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fastai X Hugging Face Group 2022 238

i think i m happy i ve just went through a couple of month of sad dark feeling and thought best way i can explain it is a painful emptiness inside of me mentally for most of my life i ve always remember going through these phase it never a on or off switch it just kinda slowly engulf me one day i feel a little bit sad and it start this snowball effect after a couple of month of the constant painful emotionless feeling i keep getting the same thought of just ending myself but today i think i m happy it weird to explain but life seems a bit more vibrant music is touching me emotionally to the point i want to sing i hope today is the start of my happy phase and i really hope it last just a long i m so desperate to feel something again

i ve recently been planning out my suicide i probably sound like an attention seeker but i feel really terrible right now i can t get therapy and i have no where else to turn to i wa planning on attempting on the st of march right after my birthday i m so young life s barley started for me i can t handle the stress my parent don t believe there s anything wrong with me and they think therapist are corrupt people all i can do is cry and hope thing turn around for me i live in an average neighborhood middle class but just barley all my parent ever do is complain about money and recently my mom threatening to divorce my dad meaning i ll have to go live alone with my mother who s an alcoholic i don t want to die but i also don t want to live it feel like this is my only option to finally be happy

so here we go i am very lonely i tried talking to a lot of people i just can t i leave everything i want i have no idea why i just tend to leave everything and everyone i love my mind is fucked i just sit and overthink for hour in one sitting cant someone kill me already i am just a burden to everyone in existence i want to die pleasee for god sake someone kill meeee at least i wont be a disappointment i tried my best i am done i cant anymore i didnt want to admit to it but yes i am ready to die now i will have a ton of regret but it alright please kill me help

i have an awful living situation thanks to college where i live in one half of the country for part of the year and then i move back across the whole fucking country for the next fucking awful i don t have any friend i don t have any passion everything i do is well i can t do this now because i ll be cutting it short by leaving in the summer and i m running out of time to do anything meet people get a job get a fucking treatment i tried doing therapy and i scheduled one week late because there s no fucking spot available and that s one le therapy thing i can go to because i only have two or three month left before i have to drop everything and leave again i don t know why i did this i wish i wasn t here life s just a dead fucking end and i m going to be doing this forever i ve missed out on so much and it just never get better i thought thing would get better by doing this but i wa fucking stupid a hell i m going to be permanently stuck like this because i haven t done shit with my life so far and i m never going to recover from year of just nothing nothing nothing no milestone no friendship i barely know how to function i barely know how to talk to people i can t even hide behind covid a an excuse because this is just what i ve been doing my whole life it s a waste of fucking time nothing

i haven t thought about killing myself since 0 yet here we are today year later getting closer to 0 and i m in the bathroom of my workplace and the only thing i can think of is slicing my wrist when i get home i haven t slept in 0 hour and i m seriously considering drinking my pain away maybe i ll puke in my sleep and get done with it i don t care if anyone will cry for me probably will but i m in pain so much pain guy

with applying to college i m currently a spring admin freshman college student and i d like to transfer specifically i want to transfer to college out of state i know this doesn t seem like the sub to just ask random people for help with this kind of thing but i just find it so hard to get myself to do so it s just so hard and i don t have anyone to turn to there s sooo much to take into account it s extremely overwhelming i just need some kind of tip or encouragement i literally have no friend or adult to talk to about this or help guide me

i ve been sad for a couple of year now this is because of my height i am already 9 year old m but i am stuck at i feel like i am not a man because of this hence why i am extremely sad and developed body dysmorphia is this reason of mine just or am i overreacting

if it add any kind of info m almost the thing is that ive always felt down kind of bad obsessed over a lot of stuff over time mainly school and once my grade obsession wore down started getting obsession nonstop this led to me having high anxiety even higher than before and eventually not recognizing myself in the mirror that and another bunch of stuff later i finally got into therapy and a psychiatrist they gave me sertraline for the ocd like symptom and intrusivity on my thought i have intrusive thought but those were way more maneagable than these so it worked great everything wa going fine and better everyday didnt stop getting better i had an episode of hipo mania caused by the sertraline i suppose so after going back to half the pill so mg now and a new psychiatrist my main one wa sick he told me thats what the episode wa called and recommended i get new medicine a people with bipolar disorder get that kind of stuff ive literally got no clue of what to do do i get tested for bipolar and get new medicine do i stick with sertraline a it solved my main issue bipolar somewhat make sense to me but i literally dont know what to do about it please forgive any grammar mistake a english isnt my main language

hi update two i definitely go through a lot of mood swing throughout my day sometimes i feel pretty good but sometimes i feel very lonely and isolated it doesn t help that i m extremely insecure about my appearance right now and i don t even want to go out to social situation because i stress about how terrible i look i just want to look good i ve been trying very hard i ve been keeping to a strict skin care regimen i nearly cut carbs out of my diet in hope it ll help my acne and i eat like 000 calorie a day so i can be shredded it s a little rough honestly i m a male so that s not a lot of calorie to work with i guess at least it get me cooking because i can t afford to waste any calorie i ve gone from about 9 to about in like a month though i workout almost every day and i go very hard for over an hour non stop exercise i feel lonely a lot i want to talk to girl very badly but i don t have the confidence in my appearance to bother i know i m ugly so it s not like i ll be able to go anywhere with them im trying to change it though i just wish i had clear skin honestly that would erase of my problem anyways i m doing okay i guess not really satisfied with my life or all that happy but my thought have stayed away from certain subject for a few day now i guess i d call that an improvement peace out much love and good luck to everyone

first off anyone looking to help can fuck off i have no interest in your pointless recycled comment they are falling upon deaf ear i am only looking for genuine advice on how to achieve a vegetative depressive state a i am unable to find a satisfactory method of suicide to people offering advice on such a thing how do you do it i suffer from ocd a well so it hard for me to have an inactive mind what i want is to become the traditional view of completely apathetic listless depression i am sick of trying to combat it and constantly failing so am now simply seeking to find a way to give up upon fighting edit to whatever arsehole reported me to the stupid resource bot i blocked it for your information

due to a bunch of reason i wa never close to my mother side of the family there were some cousin and great uncle i saw a lot briefly a a kid one recently chatted with mother through facebook and mentioned how he loved coming to our house back in those day he actually got married a few year ago but i didn t went i feel like depression social anxiety and being a closeted trans person denied me all the relationship normal people have it doesn t help that my mother had her reason to not make an effort to be close to some of those relative but i keep thinking that they became stranger to me even my great grandfather who i must have seen him once before he passed after my mother distanced ourselves from the rest of the family i keep thinking that all of it could be different i didn t had to be so lonely and even if some of them are terrible people i could still be close to the good one like the cousin who chatted with my mother if so weren t like this another cousin is getting married next month my great uncle came to our house to bring the invitation and want me to come a well i keep thinking what the hell am i even going to say to all these people i haven t seen since i wa a kid it wa normal to be a shy child and not to speak to them but now at they will think i have development issue and what would i talk about with them after graduating college year ago i did nothing with my life i just wasted my youth by hiding at home i don t think most of them give a shit about me but i bet at least some would be curious what i have been up to oh i got to sleep at am and wake up at noon everyday after which i proceed to do nothing but waste away in front of a computer screen i m so depressed and i m so fixated on this fear of time passing that i literally do nothing but that what about you i guess i would do what my parent do and just lie and say i do freelance work my father already told me how embarrassed he is when people ask him what i m doing and that s the lie he us i have a cousin almost my age in the other side of the family which i also dread about the idea of meeting him again we were close during summer a child but i remember our last summer together when we were a i started to develop depression and it wa really awkward it wa like we became stranger and would barely speak i would feel so ashamed to see him now he is normal he ha friend he doe what he want he s independent he s talkative he s normal he s everything i am not i just want to be fucking normal i wish i could restart my life but this time without depression social anxiety and being trans i feel like i won t survive this year but i wish i could have lived a little before i go

i m not sure what i want anymore out of my life it all ha seemed to just blend into one recently and everything that i reach out to to find a sense of drive encouragement seems to be so far away it all feel like i m wandering about looking for something anything to give me a sense of meaning anymore but it just feel like i m just going in circle i just feel lonely at this point

i wish people didnt give up on me so quickly because of how shy i am i wish they didnt view me a cold or mean because i never knew what to say so i just kept to myself i wish people didnt call me weird because i find it difficult to make eye contact i wish i didnt have to mask myself and pretend to be someone im not for the sake of fitting in i wish when my brother returned home from the military after year i had remembered how to properly communicate with him we seem like stranger now i wish i had been able to make friend even friend i wish i were able to get a girlfriend whats the meaning of life if you can t spend your time with someone you love i wish i didnt have autism i feel so isolated i feel so alone worst of all i know there is absolutely nothing i can do about it there are no pill for autism only mediocre therapy session to remind you of how different you are from those around you i cant do this anymore living like this is hell

well that s where all the traumatic shit happened so yeah i dwell on it like i haven t had to hear other people bitch about their childhood and then watch them be shitty adult so sorry i can t move on from year of neglect go fuck yourself

dutifully working a job that doesn t care about my humanity training people to replace me dutifully caring for a pet that make my mental health worse training them a i stress cry dutifully filling out tax for my dead parent emailing lawyer because my sibling won t fulfill their legal obligation dutifully attending counseling with my spouse actively listening to being told my want and need are wrong dutifully laying in bed quietly so a not do disturb anyone else staring at the ceiling through insomnia and intrusive thought understanding that i don t exist i am just a tool for everyone else this is my duty

i ve been trying to walk forward despite everything but i feel like i m out of option and got no help so i m here trying to figure out if my situation is a bad a it seems to me i am a classical musician not from the u trained in a conservatory since i wa a child and over the year got to play and perform wonderful music in different country and finished two master s degree in the u i graduated the last one just a the pandemic started and eventually married my u citizen boyfriend the application for a green card is gon na take a few month at least six so i have no access to health insurance or medicaid or really anything that isn t out of pocket and super expensive i haven t had a single job or real performance in two year and my playing ha declined over this time which make it even harder to find a job in the future when i get the green card not that there are any opportunity around me anyway nobody seems to care about classical music im feeling like i spent so many year and made so many sacrifice my childhood and teenage year and friend for example just to be able to play music that nobody want to hear i know i could play arrangement of popular song but that just make me wan na cry all the hard work feel so wasted on that and it brings me no joy to play music i don t like on top of this i have no support network apart from my husband who is super busy working for both of u and can t be the only one in my support network which i understand i have no car and live in an area with zero public transportation so i have been all winter stuck in the basement we have been living in it doesn t even have window so no sunlight i do try to spend time outside every time it s not freezing but i m increasingly lonely and spiraling down more every day about everything i have terrible social skill autism so i don t even know how to make friend but i literally haven t seen anyone my age in the neighborhood or really anyone approachable at all i need help but i don t know how to find it

recently i have been having a tough time dealing with my lack of motivation is really hard to care about anything specially when i always feel like im being forced to do anything even thing that i like to do it like im being constanly dragged through life how do you guy deal with extreme apathy and lack of motivation when you dont really have any interest in existing

ha oh god i don t know why i m laughing so much i think if i could feel anything i would be scared i m laughing and i m cry i don t know what to do i think my friend is suicidal scrap that i know they are and the problem is i m kind of suicidal too i see no point in life but i ve become sort of stuck in a rut of repressed emotion for a while i feel nothing so i have no desire to do anything let alone to kill myself but i m worried they do they said they would see me tomorrow so i don t think they re going to do it tonight they said they want to but they see no point because they always fail i don t know what to do i cant ask for help for them because i promised confidentiality and i know the pain of that trust being broken i can t do that to them that is not an option i know they re safe for tonight the only problem is i don t know how to make them feel better or if i can i m terrible at comforting people at the best of time and now i m half asleep and i think i m a little triggered for context my dad used to always tell me he wa going to kill himself if i left him and he would detail how worthless he wa and way he would kill himself and sometimes he would sh and almost attempt in front of me a well a me being suicidal myself on multiple occasion so it s a touchy subject i don t need people telling me to call the police or tell anyone else i need advice on how to make them feel better i can t bear the thought of one of my friend feeling how i feel or rather how i ve felt it s fucking torture and they do not deserve that shit they said they can t talk because they feel like an attention seeker and i tried to reassure them but i m crap at it please i m begging you give me some advice something i can do to make them feel better the thought of them in pain is agonising they don t deserve that i just need some idea on what to do what to say please i want to help them with their depression but i can t even help myself i don t know how to help i m sorry if this is the wrong place i ve already posted this on suicide watch but i need a much advice a possible i ve tried thinking about what i would of liked people to do when i wa actively trying to take my life but all i really wanted wa to be left alone to die and i felt guilty a hell when i talked to anyone about it and wanted to forget about it so i have no clue on how to make them feel better i m sorry

my bf is in a depressive episode atm i m still learning and would like to know more about depression while in an depressive episode is every day the same for you do you have good day in between coming out of depression do you feel much better from one day to the next or is it a slow process with back step too sorry for all the question just want to understand better what my bf is going through

i can hear the difference voice in my head i talk with my girlfriend all night but when she s sleeping i can hear the voice sometimes or my head creates an illusion or paranoid i don t have an idea about happen with me

i m 0 about to spend most of my life try to meet s end got out of high school and did one semester of college feel like a burden to those around me i alway felt depressed always putting on a happy mask so i would have to make those around me worry went to the army for month thought it might change the first wa fun and happy but last wa hell felt depressed again got came home a try to start over watch anime which felt like it wa a cure for depression i just wanted to share this

i like not caring about anything i m at work all day just going through the motion the long hour and annoying customer don t phase me because i m not even all there mentally emotionally failing uni doesn t phase me because eh i have to be numb because if not i ll just constantly feel unbearable emotional and physical pain i have to swallow every bit of emotion so i don t completely fall apart

i m pretty sure she ha depression i m a good listener and don t judge i know how hard it is from reading alot of post in this sub i want to help her and i m genuinely concerned about her how can i do this

my family are all logical people who like to study and read lot of book the thing they study and read are about politics philosophy economics all that fun stuff since this is their favourite way to absorb information i wa wondering if there were any book suggestion out there to sort of educate my family they are open to it thanks in advanced

i am a male within the armed force and never really got the chance to speak my mind about a lot of thing i wa always told by everyone thats male shouldn t cry or even show a slight a bit of sadness or else it would redeem them weak a little bit if background before the military i wa a person that would always have friend along with people i thought they would appreciate who i am later on bad luck started to come around or at least i thought it wa bad luck to this day i do not have any idea why thing happen around me or people i love it seemed like every week or month or so i would go to a funeral that wa among all my friend i made accident suicide cancer or even by natural cause so far i been to funeral at this point and not able to cry or shed a tear it seems like whenever i try to show an emotion to what ha happened it never doe then people look at me like a monster and think i am a psycho or a robot in reality i am lost in the void of either to try to keep or make more friend eventually i got to enlisting into the military to serve or find a purpose in life and eventually found myself in a deeper hole i remember i had a platoon size or so group of buddy i drank and had fun with a brotherhood many would call it a home away from home that did not really last long one by one they killed themselves due to various amount of situation either it be from a divorce or just pure depression that dragged them to the ground despite all these thing i came to the conclusion that i always will think i am a robot or even a ghost that sens nothing but just what go on non human to the point where at one point i saw them paint their brain on the wall a i walked in to give them a well needed drink my reaction wa nothing and to just calmly report it to the mp on base i am sorry elijah currently in the service still have about two year left my wife at home with the dog i do feel love for both of them but for me not at all i feel guilt in the fact of it all happening like i am the bad luck charm i been seeing what seems like people that i used to speak to and where alive around me at time my old friend that could have been around but aren t i am not much of a paranormal type person but i feel them watching me or even expecting me to join them at some point a heavy weight on my shoulder if you will i can t lose myself in thought or else they are everywhere so i keep it to myself and ruck on but believe me the demon have learned how to swim after i tried drowning them with drinking i keep going in life but what purpose what it be if i keep losing those i love whoever read this thank you to my wife a well i love you and our dog despite my dark situation i don t want my demon to win but they try every night who know if i will ever wake up to see something bright again

throwaway acct never really post so excuse formatting or content i have hit the point now where i am really wondering what the point of it all is i m very tired i feel like i ve been running forever my medical bill are continuing to pile up i haven t been working because of my medical issue so money ha become my biggest real life issue my relationship with family and friend are deteriorating so quickly i don t even know how to stop it my education proved to be the biggest waste of time my work skill are so unremarkable that i cant get anything more than a warehouse job i m a complete definition of a loser i feel like my life is spiraling out of control it feel like it s all my fault and i know it is i just don t know how to fix anything and these random event keep happening to me that make me question if maybe it is just some cosmic entity screwing with me because every time i tried to do something for someone else or tried just taking action to do better somehow it ended up in failure i tried getting a new job and i unfortunately my medical problem hit causing me to lose that new job just a month after getting it prior to that i took a better job offer only to get hit with even worse working condition for an additional 0 hence me leaving to try to get a new job or how about the two time i went christmas shopping for my family i had to replace two tire on my car one each time i went out i mysteriously got a flat tire that went unnoticed both time resulting in me having to buy new one because the sidewall were screwed or my favorite one i decided to take a trip to another state on a whim one weekend for a concert at that time i had felt that i wa at the lowest i could get so i said screw it and decided to go i decided to go out the night before to check out the city and found a local band playing a bar i ordered a beer and the next thing i remember is waking up in a hospital they proceeded to then let me just leave the hospital and i wandered the city with a dead phone for a few hour looking for my car to go home i got a lot of nice thought from family and friend initially but then the jokey so you didn t get raped did you and then just laughing it off most likely because i m a male i honestly don t know if i did i remember nothing and i would rather it just stay that way everything i do in my life seems to result in the worst possible outcome whether it s my fault noticeably or whether i want to blame the void for all my problem the outcome is still the same and my pile of problem doesn t change i just want to do right but i can t seem to do that i want to give up completely every time i think thing can t get worse they do this isn t a final post or anything like that i just want to scream everyone look and talk to me like i m some stooge and maybe i am but damnit i just want people to care i m trying but failing at every corner so i am at the point now where i don t do anything i ve sat unemployed with a friend a my flatmate for a bit now and i get the sense he doesn t believe my medical issue and i sense this relationship ha also lost it end i m so lost i don t know where to go from here hang in there everyone i m sure it get better sometime just maybe not soon

the phrase and concept it get s better eventually how can anyone keep living without something other than that flawed statement there s no trick or ploy here i just don t get it i m tired of trying to convince myself that idea ha merit or is at least worth pursuing for myself i m tired of leaning solely on that because time after time i can t find anything in this world to look forward to anything to believe in to want maybe no one will read this post maybe everyone hyperbole will i know i don t have a flashy premise i know i m just some random person the average scroller doesn t have to get attached to or invested in because they may never hear from me again i know this question is gigantic and a colossal ask to any one person i just need something random aside fuck betrayal fuck blatant liar

i don t want to d e but also don t love the idea of being alive i feel like im just existing my life somehow sound really cool on paper and in real life it s extremely meh im in a long term relationship working in entertainment like i always wanted for myself living in new york i have some solid friend but none of it feel good am i just an entitled brat i feel no excitement anymore im just constantly working on arbitrary goal that i set for myself so i don t just lay in bed all day call it high functioning i don t really want to keep doing this whole thing i m tired and over it and i ve gone through too much shit this past year and i am still dealing with ptsd and sa stuff and i just feel like i don t want to deal with it anymore i want to give my life to someone else and go live on a beach somewhere and i know that life is hard and i hate that i wish it wasn t so hard i m not strong enough to keep fighting i want to give up seeking advice please or some word of wisdom or something how do i find my spark again

what are you been doing lately how life s going for you in my side i started studying at college i m very proud of what i ve accomplished mostly managing my anxiety still got a lot of work to do the only thing that is kinda bothering me now is that i feel lonely abandoned

hi i wa wondering if anyone ha this happen to them i have have had depression for decade i have good day and bad day no period that last for week or month like i did when i first started having symptom 0 year ago thank god it is mostly occasional bad bout most often i just have a dull low depression that i can dell with using moving muscle using cognitive dispute today i had one of the rare event that i used to get often i wake up early have a cup or two of coffee yet i feel really exhausted i slept fine the night before i end up having breakfast but that exhausted feeling becomes overwhelming and i go back to bet by 9am the entire day consists of me sleeping having lucid bat shit crazy bizarre dream the dream are not nightmare in fact they are rather creative but the local and situation are like the came from somebody imagination in a distant galaxy they would make really interesting sci fi fantasy i also dream about being lonely i have no family few friend one thing i remember wa this gut wrenching sadness about a girl i dated over 0 year ago thought she wa the one but it fell apart after about 0 to hour i get up have something to eat i feel hung over an d it is like a storm passed through my brain spent it s energy and now calm ha returned i wa wondering if anyone else had had similar experience like this it would be concerning if it wa a frequent occurrence which it once wa in the early day of depression again that wa decade ago thanks in advance for any observation or comment peace

is there any way to bring my appetite back due to unfortunate life event that gave me emotional stress over the past time i ve started loosing my appetite while some people were gaining weight this quarantine it wa the opposite for me this isn t normal for me since i wa enjoying eating meal now food doesn t faze me that much i ve lost desire to eat and i m concerned about my health i miss the feeling of enjoying food p s sorry i forgot to add i m a minor and i m strictly forbidden to go outside i wa hoping if i could do anything inside the house that s useful but i ll consider other comment given thank you

it will be two year this november since my brother died from a fentanyl overdose this completely shook up the family dynamic i moved back home to be closer to them about a year before his death while i am happy i did get to spend his last birthday with him since he is gone and the family is all split up now i hate living here i used to make double doing the type of work that i do here where i last lived my job is actually financially draining me i am a caregiver aid for disabled kid and have been for over year but ever since my brother died i find myself in very dark place then i get really angry for a second because i know he is gone and never coming back then throw in the caregiver fatigue with the grieving depression and i just feel so crazy in my head sometimes one minute i m fine the next minute i hate everyone inflation isn t helping because i am having to skip meal to make sure my kid are fed which also isn t helping my mental health i dunno how do you all cope

i can t stand the constant shitty feeling of depression in my chest head and stomach idk how to put it into word but pretty sure every depressed person know what i mean i can t shake the feeling and everything is starting to get under my skin and send me into such a downwards spiral of overthinking and overanalyzing everything so much to the point that i overanalyze feeling sad in the first place and minimize my own feeling i m not motivated to do anything except sit around like a blob and waste time and space my fiance is a blessing and doe so much to make me feel better but he can t be my savior and it s been so hard just to get through the work day and go through the motion i know it s temporary and will pas cause that s the illness but i feel so awful and helpless rn i forgot what i m supposed to do i hope typing this out will make me feel better thanks so much for reading and have a wonderful night

i m not writing this in a negative way what is your point having a point make the difference i think between your life you need to know why you are doing something before you do it

it feel we live in such a cruel world people torment each other always wanting to make others feel worse give each other covid or hate or rage or despair i don t sleep well i ve met some people recently whom have treated me badly ghosted me pretended to be my good friend and i ve suffered a lot of emotional pain i always ask what ha been the point of all of this i ve had some terrible pain last few year what wa the point or is it all meaningless

so for awhile now i ve tried multiple time to hang myself and also tried to slit my wrist but all my suicide attempt have failed and im trying to find happiness in life and find a reason to live but everday i just wan na end all my suffering anyways here s why i feel suicidal so basically my mom and dad are abusive and make me feel like shit and then my brother and sister don t uderstand what im going through so they make it worse and my parent threated me if i call cps or anyone about what happens at the house i would get whooped till i turned red and got brusies and alot of bad thing somebody please help me before i take my life

i ve felt like this for a bit but never super realized until i looked into a depression a i ve thought more and more recently that i might have depression i ve just kind of been watching youtube and show recently not doing anything i like recently i haven t had any good motivation to get up and do stuff like playing video game even though i want to i just can t get myself to i ve been failing school i can t motivate myself to sit down and even do that which i really really need to do and i feel bad for it too since i haven t done really anything and my mom stuck her neck out to help me i ve just about always had good grade up until spring of last year i think i m always happy when out doing stuff around people basically but i m not always feeling that way i ve just kind of been feeling off and a bit sad i want to reach out to people but i don t have the courage to do so even if they re a relative or a close friend i don t want anyone feeling sad because i am and i m just kind of trying to keep people other than myself happy people have asked me sometimes if i m ok but i always respond with i m fine sometimes i know like at the beginning of conversation i sound a bit sad which is why people ask if i m ok but then i kind of just go to a normal somewhat happy tone i don t want to really say i m depressed cause i think it s just my own fault for being too lazy and i know recently especially i haven t been getting to sleep really at a time i should just cause i don t feel tired basically ever so i just stay awake and sometimes force myself to sleep i m not really ever cry which isn t very depression like which is guess is kind of why i ve just thought for awhile that i don t which i probably don t i m sure i m exaggerating but i don t really get to a point where i feel sleepy and then when i do go to sleep i sleep for hour and even if i do set alarm i wake up but i m just not motivated enough to actually get up so i usually just fall back asleep but i just haven t told anyone up until now especially not irl until now but even this ha taken some courage to admit even to myself but i probably didn t say everything a im just kind of piecing stuff together in no specific order or anything and just ramblind on but i m sorry this ha been long thank you for reading and have a nice day or night i did forget to mention some stuff i don t really have suicidal thought i mean i ve thought of suicide but never actually thought about doing it and i have been thinking about talking to a friend that i believe ha had depression in the past but i don t know if they still do so i don t really want to put that weight on their shoulder a well and also i haven t been eating a much probably not because of depression if i even have it which i m sure i don t at this point and also my hygiene i haven t been taking care of my hygiene the best i kind of stopped brushing my teeth for awhile i hate to admit it but my teeth are pretty yellowed and i haven t really been taking care of thing such a acne a well

i feel like i can t get high enough to forget the shit that s happening in life rn i want to self harm so bad because i m so sad and idk what to do with myself and how i ve reacted to my relationship struggle

i think i am having a nervous breakdown i need help i have too much going on i cant even get into detail i had a panic attack and i kept hitting myself in the face it 0am right now i dont want to say whats going on particularly but i have absolutely nobody there for me or anybody willing to help i had a panic attack about minute ago it am a im writing this right now i got up from my bed and walked into the bathroom and i got into the bathtub and sat down and stared at the wall for minute i dont know where my head is ive been sitting here for 0 minute now i really need help right now ive never posted anything like this to a subreddit or any other website so this is almost a last resort for me

f i am just so tired i hate my life i know there s a beautiful side to life but oh my god i don t even wan na see it if the thing i ve been through are always going to be in the back of my head i don t feel guilty about leaving my friend or family anymore i just feel ready what i m worried about is failing

everyone i have ever met in my life ha told me that i m beautiful some even the most beautiful that they have ever seen all my life i ve expected the rest of the world to bow down before my beauty and tell me that i m beautiful i always rely on that validation and reassurance i keep on waiting for people to tell me that i m beautiful i keep track of who tell me i m beautiful and who hasn t for those who haven t i wonder if they think i m beautiful this happened with my 0 year old same sex female teacher i wa expecting her to tell me that i m beautiful even a she wa rejecting me and i noticed that she didn t tell me what i wanted to hear and just pointed out aspect about my personality i wa cry over it my own thinking ha led to me having many problem in life i lack even the most basic common sense even when something is so obvious like flying to germany and showing up unannounced at the airport asking to be picked up at pm and expecting to free load for two week with relative i haven t seen in year over christmas being invited to a friend s birthday party and not even talking to her and wondering why she became cold to me even at work when toothpick fell i wa picking them up to put them back on the bottle i wa stacking clothes that they kept on falling my coworkers who are younger than me helped me and their mind are more mature than mine when my former professor 0 year my senior told me he loved me and that i wa the most beautiful woman he ha ever met i wa blown away i wa so distracted by him telling me that i wa beautiful that i could not see that he could have been lying i have received a couple of complaint about my personality someone told me yes you are beautiful in look but ugly a hell at heart you are narcissistic and manipulative you surely do act like the world revolves around you another person ha told me you told me that you are when i wa talking to you i felt like i wa talking to a year old you are a very immature woman and you re not that bright either is this why i don t have any friend is there more to life than being beautiful would people find my immaturity to be unattractive

i don t know what to feel but i just am tired and over it and there s no end to running on a hamster wheel of constant sadness ugh

i cant do this i just cant anymore i wan na be happy again im dealing with lot rn ever since i watched some verg graphic gore smoked weed had dpdr researched solipsism it all too much for me i wan na be happy again i just cant see the world the same anymore but i want to please someone help ive had this kind of depression for year it come and go i hadnt had any kind of major depression tho for a while this doesnt feel like itll go away i rly need to know and make sure itll go away because i just cant especially at night thats when it get rly bad i just don t know what to do this doesn t feel like it ll ever go away please please help im desperate i just wan na be happy again i can t deal with this again

death seek me life besieges me i want to die why oh why fuck bring the pain i am ready for the ocean whatever happens i ll be with god please god forgive me i have failed you i am so confused please help me why is my life such a painful struggle i want peace in sobriety with you forgive me god i am sorry

i ve decided to mourn my break up of year together that happened week ago last night i dropped all my hope and faith she d come back to me we both were evil to each other definitely not ready for one another we did love each other like no one else we both were each other s first love and then my heart my soul feel like some nasty hand came to my soul ripped apart half of my heart watched me die on the street alone and giggled at me i don t want this amount of pain it almost led me to act on you know what last night i ve ruined every decision i ve made in life i don t want to ruin more tomorrow is not promised then i want to change my personality since i never made friend with who i am i want to i just want to change 0 degree of who i am today but this pain it s killing me how do i get over this pain a quickly a possible i ve no friend to speak to about it i m alone here and dying to just have someone in a similar experience and help me with it irl friend i haven t had in so many year and being at home is killing me too for so many year but i want to change it all

i think i m starting to feel an emotion that i haven t experienced naturally in year you know that feeling where you have a vacation coming up and the whole week before you re like excited because you have something to look forward to i ve been feeling that all week but i have no plan or break until the end of the semester i wa trying to express this feeling out loud to my friend when it occurred to me is this what happy people feel like like do they feel satisfied just walking around all day it s like my stomach is warm and content even though nothing is different and i have nothing going on anyone else have thought on this

my appetite extremely lost itself day by day and week by week i can t even enjoy eating sweet anymore or even the most delicious food make me want to throw up except for liquid such a coke im addicted to soda and milk tea i feel sad and pity myself im fully aware how my health is deteriorating yet i dont know how to deal with it i suffer from did mdd bipolar and cptsd i m in early phase of therapy so thing aren t really going good these day im really concerned about my health im already severely wasted underweight sometimes i just think thats it better to not eat cause everytime i eat i get depressed feel discomfort and idk why from one cup of rice to one half cup to and now i only eat spoon per meal i don t even drink much water i want to change it but i just dont know how

i ve had depression for a long a i can remember really some day i m sad for absolutely no reason that s how today started now i m in my head and i m more depressed than i ve been in a very long time i hardly ever cry i haven t cried in probably month i m cry right now i m fucking sobbing like a lil bitch my boyfriend is in jail not sure how long month idk i live in our house with our year old he s my sister kid but i have custody my best friend ha depression and her boyfriend struggle with drug and she work a very full time job she doesn t reply much to me anymore i m not mad at her i know her life it very tough and she struggle with depression a well i m just sad because she s my go to person and now i m lucky if i get a reply i m 0 day clean from fentanyl so the chemical in my brain probably aren t in the greatest shape i miss my other best friend i saved all of our video and picture she wa my best friend from around 0 0 i wa in a very toxic relationship and she constantly tried to break u up rightfully so once i finally broke up with him the girl and i we fine we were great one night we went to a party and then the next day i went home and wrote her a long text telling her she wa toxic towards her boyfriend we got into a huge fight then they started stupid rumor about me trying to get with her bf wasn t true then i went 00 step too far i got with this new guy who wa total gang gang and a snow addict at the time i knew a window in her house wa broke and could always open while she wa at school my new man and his friend robbed her house and by rob i mean only took the bong and weed that wa one of the biggest mistake of my life the whole time it happened i sat at home have an anxiety attack because i wanted to tell my man nevermind but i didn t want him to think le of me how fucking cool of me i have a very guilty conscience and i m empathetic a fuck i ended up telling her the truth she already knew she s not stupid i knew she wanted to kill me the moment i confessed to her face a week later i ended up giving her 00 00 to make up for what wa taken i hoped she would want to continue our friendship but it wa over i don t blame her i wa the toxic one all along i needed to do deep soul searching well now it s 0 and that happened year ago i still think about her everyday i miss her more than ever i love her soul and that s rare to find i ve been looking at all our old video picture that i saved to my eye only on snapchat i have hundred of snap of u my point is if anyone is actually still reading do i try to message her on facebook or should i just be happy that she wa apart of my life did i forever ruin what could have been i feel like i m just getting through everyday not living i m prescribed very strong sleeping med i m tempted to take a couple but i won t i m tempted to walk to the gas station and drink my sorrow away but that ll only make thing worse i could go across the street and sit on the swing in the park but it s dark now i m just babbling on about nothing i feel like it s the loneliness talking

that mental struggle when you know you should reach out because you think you might sh but a big part of you doesn t want to try too hard to get help because f everyone and everything amp x 00b i ve tried half heartedly all day to reach out to people but no one ha responded with anything other than their own issue i guess posting here is kinda reaching out part of me doesn t want to do it but most of me is just angry and want to put that into something

m i have been dealing with depression anxiety panic attack for 0 year and also have adhd i kind of suck at everything i am failing my rd university almost have no social life have no girlfriend for year no job no goal and no achievement i have been trying to get my life together for year i quit alcohol and cannabis completely i am working out regularly forcing myself to socialize and learn new skill and trying to date failing miserably i am only successful at quitting drug which i can relapse anytime i suffer month of a year have some good day so what is the point of living if i won t be happy and achieve anything what kind of man i am who can not attract a woman and never be able to and why do i bother to live if i am failing every job i took and every university i went to i always feel lonely hate myself and can t look at the mirror anymore i am about to give up but i can t decide please answer objectively thanks

it been like this for so long and my first problem ha always been there it will never go away if i were to change this problem i wouldnt be me anymore it started when i wa a mute child now i have social anxiety and depression i never received treatment the first time when i wa and got prescribed and then they stopped suddenly i dont have anything i dont even have a friend to tell nor an adult i cant just seek help i dont trust anyone at all and im far too scared to even speak about it because i go silent when i have to talk about thing like this im so i have no way to seek help for myself i dont have any friend at school and i havent had any for year every time i try to make one i just cant keep up and it so exhausting trying to talk and i just never speak again a lot of people hate me i wa verbally bullied in some school no one wa ever there to help me ive been alone for so long it been getting so much worse with constant de realization severe intrusive thought and at this point i cut myself everyday i genuinely dont see a future anymore

im a year old guy in highschool i suffer from bipolar depression and have been addicted to painkiller before and went through rehab during my freshman year during my addiction i had a girlfriend and we decided to go to a dance together she didn t show up my first reaction wa to not worry but all my friend had their date and we re having fun i immediately went into a panic and took too many pill i overdosed and almost died i decided to break up with my girlfriend after the incident and felt it wa best we moved on now i m a junior the first year i m allowed to go to prom and i don t wan na go i m single this year and all my friend have date and are probably going to have fun i don t think i will enjoy myself i don t want to relive a traumatic experience that nearly killed me my parent want me to go because they feel it is really important and will show my emotional growth they say that me going will make them happy and called me selfish when i said i wasn t going my dad keep telling me that i m going and that i need to look for a suit and stuff pretending like nothing is wrong my mom is telling me that i m selfish for not going and that it would make them happy if i would go i don t know what to do can i get some advice

it wa dumb they were talking about what day do they put out trash and i said something like every day is trash day if you hate yourself but still go outside they nervous laughed and looked at me asking if i wa serious and i said well everyone hate themselves a little bit and they just didn t respond cool just me ok lol

i ve been struggling with motivation to do anything work related for the last month or so because i m depressed a a result i m super far behind on a lot of stuff my manager hasn t really noticed because i ll get the thing done that they need but i m in a really bad place mentally this week and i have done almost no work on a big project that i need to finish by tomorrow i ve been debating going out on fmla for the last few week but i have to use up all of my vacation time if i do go out i ve been seeing a therapist weekly and i ve been on wellbutrin for a month my doctor just increased my dosage yesterday it really hasn t done much for me up to this point do i just take fmla until i get my depression under control i feel like i m stuck between a rock and a hard place i hate disappointing people but this depression is debilitating i m also really scared to even start the process for fmla

i feel like everything i do i get tired of very quickly i dont feel like challenging myself or bettering myself when something happens to me i put myself down real quick im functional enough to get out of bed clean myself and go to work but thats really it nothing else my interest in activity isnt there i used to be on 0 mg of sertaline a year and a half ago but i got off it thats back when i wa suicidal and to be honest i have improved just not to the extent i think i should have i thought my brain would start getting back into a completely healthy rhythm by itself but it didnt thankfully im not suicidal and the fact i admit i want to improve is a very good sign

at first i thought i wa being picky but i kid you not i ve worked at over 0 different company over the last ten year don t get me wrong some job were garbage and had high turnover to begin with but other job people would go crazy over from some of the most reputable company in my area to the easiest work for great pay many of these job are not in a field i m passionate about the work stagnates i become disengaged and i quit if it s not that my coworkers or my supervisor suck if it s not that the schedule is off if it s not that the pay is off hell if it s not any of that a speck of dirt landed on my shirt so screw this place i m leaving i m terrified of being stuck somewhere i don t want to be and it gradually defining my career but the more i jump around the more time i waste in the process people younger than me are becoming my bos and i sit here wondering exactly what i m doing with my life and what i even want to be doing with my life i m year old i haven t had a long lasting job let alone a solid romantic relationship in over a decade the more time that creep by the harder it get i ve worked so many job now and have become so experienced doing so many different task i can very quickly spot out a bad gig or come to a decision if it s an environment i want to be in when i wa a kid working the only job i ve spent more than three year at my supervisor told me i should be a drifter in life and jump from town to town at the time i didn t think much of it today however i wonder if that s really what my true aim should be considering i ve kind of been doing that for most of my adult life anyway fuck

idk who s going to read this but it doesn t matter i m only writing this for myself i always had friend growing up i wasn t the most popular kid but i had my small group recently some drama happened and i m no longer in the group i wa wronged and i will play the victim because i am i don t have any friend now i haven t got a few year i fell into a terrible life style the only thing i do with my life is go to college work then rot in my bed consuming medium it took a while but it hit me during one of my break away from school and work i realized that i have nothing making me happy i wake up and go on my phone watching random shit all day in my bed at night i m afraid to sleep so i just consume medium until i can t stay awake any longer i recently started think about what make me happy nothing i have no interest to pursue no friend to talk to no life to live i ve seen everywhere that in order to find yourself you should start a hobby based on your interest that s bullshit coming from people that don t have these problem i don t have interest no hobby appeal to me saying find a hobby that interest you is like me telling you to start a hobby that you don t like i don t like anything anymore i don t know who i am and i don t know how to find myself being betrayed by the people closest to you is a blessing and a curse i know they weren t real but i also know loneliness i can t crawl out of this state because i ve got nothing i want to do how do i become curious how do i start to desire thing again i m so lost i don t even know if i have depression or something all i know is i m constantly hurt unless i m consuming medium being idle just hurt i don t know where else to say this

i literally feel empty and hollow i feel like i m slowly just losing touch of what it mean to be alive i had people to talk with for awhile and it wa great it made me smile knowing i wasn t lonely anymore but look like that disappeared from me the one i talk to just stopped no concern no care just treated a a stranger that really broke my heart i feel so sad and unmotivated about anything anymore it such bad timing because i figured what i wanted to do in life and this come to weigh me down i literally feel like ending it would give me a sense of peace for once i don t know what to do so much stress is on me i don t know how to deal with it anymore what am i supposed to do now

i m crippled by my past mistake i had the perfect life and threw it all away now i m with someone who treat me like shit and i m staying because i feel like that s what i deserve every day is a struggle and i m ready to be done with this life i ve ruined the world would be better off

it s been and a half month now the depression is getting way worse with suicidal thought antidepressant don t help me at all trazadone moklobemid i can not cope with his death i ve dropped out of uni my life is meaningless now i have 0 hope i don t look forward to anything anymore all relationship i have now feel empty also i m an adult now year old i don t think it s even possible to make real friend at this age i ve grown up alongside him went through middle and high school with him all the memory i have with him are just a burning memory now and the worst of all is when you don t believe in god or afterlife anymore you just know that your best friend is nothing but a brain rotting in a cold grave right now and you won t ever see him again never ever

i dont bother doing anything all day and im failing college yet im still tired and im constantly thinking about suicide

that one week wa the best in a long time around month of constant depression ha quite honestly made me want to kill myself but i have too many people in my life for that i m grateful for having supportive friend and family member but i just want to die

been feeling my worst bought of depression in year i m not very socially graceful and i had a substance abuse problem for a long time clean year and sometimes i worry i pickled my brain lol because what s common sense to most people doesn t really register for me i get dismissed by people a lot and i m really struggling at work because of it i m looking for a new job unfortunately nothing pay a well a my current job and i m already living paycheck to paycheck i recently got a cat though and she help with the loneliness

i did not have a good day today felt confused and felt like i had no control over my own life but i m reminding myself that i need day like these to really appreciate the good one even though it feel like i ve been in this rough patch for a while and at time it s been really hard to keep going it is the hope that will get me trough this and is getting me trough it right now those feeling of dread and complete defeat can get the best of you and have you seeing no happy ending for everyone reading this i just want you to continue having hope for a brighter day and so will i you are strong

do you ever just day dream of an alternate reality where your the main character where your almost like a superhero and everyone love you and your life is so perfect and you have all the thing you want life like your in a movie then you return to face your reality of sadness and face that grimness of it all i do this almost daily it s depressing

my father is very smart he ha so much achievement in his education and he always graduated top on his class his dream profession wa to become an engineer but because they were poor he wa not able to pursue it back then he would always persuade to become an engineer now i m at college studying engineering but i am struggling to keep up with college whenever i share to them my struggle they just expect me to easily overcome it i cry every night thinking that i am just a failure and a disappointment to my family this ha all started when i wa still in elementary and have been reaching a top in the class i wa introduced to the computer and got hooked by it i basically grew up in high school facing my computer most of the time i would no longer study and just play all night long not knowing the impact it that would cause me today my habit have completely changed i became malnourished my education ha deteriorated and i graduated high school not knowing how to add a simple fraction now i am at college i am struggling to keep up especially math and i have a failing grade we have a programming subject and what i have realized is that i actually feel happy when taking the lesson i have been thinking to change my career instead but i know my family would not agree i have so many thought right now about what ifs but the urge to just end my life is too strong because i know at this point of my life i have no chance to succeed i have been thinking about this for week i have completely lost my faith and motivation i am disappointed in myself knowing if i would continue it would only get worse i ve already prepared everything i m only waiting to actually be able to pull the trigger

i hate this shit that is called life and myself a well i seriously just wan na be normal and mentally stable i turn in month i suffer from bipolar adhd and severe social anxiety lol and i live in a country that do not give two fuck about mental health not even my family know about this they just think am weird i always find it extremely hard to be social or have a solid jobe interview without sweating or going completely red lol i also have some leftover acne scar so that made it alot worst have one friend that i feel a connection with and i love that i mean hopefully thing will get better am in my last year of college or i will get the courage to and my miserable life

hey last year i went through a horrible horrible depression and it s wa because i wa going through a lot and i wa always doing thing for people i forgot about myself and this year i just want to focus on me but it s like people from my past are trying to come back into my life and i don t want nothing to do with them i m also trying my best to protect my energy so sometimes i get in a mood of i don t want to talk to anyone like i m perfectly fine just being alone and it s like human these day don t understand this they get upset i don t want to be a bad person but i just can t handle too many friend or a lot of people in my life just hanging out in the background if i could just be alone forever i honestly would i been through so much trauma i don t trust anybody

i m a 9 year old male currently in college doing engineering living with my parent i love my parent and they love me and you know the pandemic for the last year forced college to be online learning so i m at home studying with no job yes my parent pay for my education and everything i feel very depressed every day and i became this awful person that yell back at my parent and me sitting at home made me very lazy that if my mom tell me to do a chore then i become angry now is it that i don t have a job i feel depressed and lazy i know i need to change this anger inside of me but don t know how to start the next step thanks for reading this please share what you think

coming from an asian household i ve been told to become a doctor since the age of the constant pressure for good grade led me to repeat my senior year of highschool drop out of university graduate from a local college and then re enroll to another program then drop out since my parent hated the program i graduated from i want to thank them for the support they showed especially when they called me useless dumb an embarassment and how they would disown me now i m year old with a fairly decent working from home job that i may get fired from since i ve ignored my workload due to cycling back into a depressive state i now purely cope by playing video game and jerking off i live everyday day dreaming and at the same time regretting my wasted youth all the while my parent look at me with disdain and remind me whenever they can about how i ruined my life that s the end of my ted talk fuck my life man

i m having a horrible night and i m too nervous to call the suicide crisis hotline i just need someone to talk to really bad please

i don t know if this is the right place but i just want to get this out of my system somewhere and a journal won t do if it doesn t belong here please delete my girlfriend and i are in an open relationship we both agreed on it and i never had any problem with it but after year of trying i have had zero success while my girlfriend can basically choose and it hurt it hurt seeing her choose other guy over me it hurt knowing she d rather spend time with them than with me what hurt the most is seeing her being happy listening to her talking about how exciting it is how much self esteem she gained from it and thus knowing that if i ever tell her that it hurt me i ll make her sad and i don t want to make her feel said even if it mean cry myself to sleep while she is having fun with our friend it s not her issue though she is always asking beore and afterwards if it is okey checking in on me and she would stop this instant if i would tell her about any of this but i know it would still hurt and limit her losing this part of her life and i can t and don t want to do that because i know that if i loose her my life would get miserable i d most likely stay the rest of my life alone and die alone i d lose almost everything positive in my life and i d rather die than having to live 0 miserable year alone thanks for putting up with my ridiculous and self inflicted shit and just remove it if it doesn t belog here

anyone who also went through a heavy depressive state not moving around eating or doing anything etc know how to get their appetite back most day i ll only have one meal and that ll be it but i went to the doctor today and they said i might actually contract an illness a a result of this and would like to get me tested so i kinda wan na start fixing up

m i ve been in a major spiral the last half a year or so with all kind of major issue coming up all at once i went to the hospital for sa in january and had to go back only a month later for sh and alcohol abuse on my campus usually when i get depressed however i get really really sad or destructive towards myself or i reach for weed or drink to keep me from thinking about thing but tonight is different i ve managed to keep myself from the drink so far tonight and i m out of edible so i can t vibe like that and i m having my usual spiraling out of control thought and feeling incredibly shitty but i also kind of just feel nothing normally i d be a wreck cry on the floor right now but i just feel like a hollowed out egg like my skin is only millimeter thick and the slightest tap will cave me in i can t emote at all i feel like i want nothing not even death rn just pure nothingness and it suck anyone have any experience with these feeling is this some sort of disassociation because i ve never had this acute of an experience before hopefully someone see this

i feel like nobody really care if i m gone even my closest friend replaced and forgot about me i just want to sit in my room and rot i just want to stop existing last night wa the worst i couldn t sleep because i broke down and my head keep screaming i want to die i want to die i want to die i don t know if i want to ever get better when there s nothing to get better for i even got excited because i got covid before and thought if it get worse i could finally die but i just had to get better it wa my one chance to die and i got better i m so sick of living i m so sick of being abandoned by people i thought cared about me i just want to be gone and stop existing it s so painful it hurt to cry every night and exhaust myself to sleep in that way even waking up had me cry i m just waiting for something to happen to me so i don t have to kill myself instead to save my family from the shame they d experience if i took my own life instead

so i had a really really rough childhood growing up my parent were abusive to me and i lived in an area where i got into a lot of fistfight trying to make it to the next day wa the hardest battle i attempted suicide by trying to hang myself when i wa i think the attempt failed however it left me with some minor brain damage i have a very difficult time trying to remember thing and think about thing sometimes at time it feel like i can t even read english it just doesn t click with me i ll sit and stare at it for like minute at a time before i finally understand it a for the memory issue i have a difficult time recalling some thing that have happened i will completely forget about something that happened say minute ago that most people would instantaneously remember anyway so i ve been feeling extremely strange lately i moved away from my parent after i turned and now i live in a completely different state and i am doing much better but i feel like i m still there i feel the aura of my childhood house it felt heavy if that make sense something keep weighing me down i m also smelling food that aren t being cooked food that i used to eat when i wa there i smelled a very strong scent of digiornio s pizza earlier but nobody here wa cooking it i ve also been sleeping in through the day and waking up at night so this weird feeling is intensified by like 0 time everything feel so dreamlike and liminal i can t tell the difference between reality and fiction anymore why doesn t anything feel real am i wrong to distrust my eye ha anyone else felt this way it would bring me great comfort to know that i am not alone

i m so tired of the inertia of my life this never going anywhere meaningful for me i think about all the thing i d love to be doing and grow angry that certain circumstance constrain from doing them i hate that life is 9 doing thing because other people coerce you to do them i would like to feel like i have agency but you have very little when you re slaving away to just survive the worst thing is that this bid for survival is artificial and man made human being hate that other human have free will and must wring the autonomy from each other they use money and debt to control every aspect of your life they create law to tell you what to do with your body life and time i just want to do what i want to do with my finite life i want to accomplish what i want to accomplish not conform to society s view of materialistic success i want to live my life unencumbered by other people s stupid judgment i want to be free edit i m sorry if the above is incoherent i just feel so trapped in my life so helplessly trapped

i m am a year old male and i don t know if it s healthy to feel this way one of my relative is not feel so well and i myself feel like this have been affected me a lot recently and i also feel like i can t take all the thing at school i just feel like a total failure and that i will never be anything or get a good job and i feel like the only think i know is that i shan t to impress my dad but i just feel more shit every time i fail a test i feel like i m disappointing him more and more

im falling apart bad i fell from grace and i don t know where i m going where do i begin i m so insecure i just got a bad haircut today and i feel ugly i m and a guy im just constantly in pain a little over a month ago my girlfriend left me this wa on february th i had such a beautiful girlfriend who didn t care about my height she started liking me in high school i m starting to feel like i m giving up i miss her so much she treated me like i wa a human and now i have no faith in anyone else looking at me like that she wa with me for and a year and left me i feel like my life is crumbling i don t know how to stand back up and take back over i had a fall from what i thought would never end i never thought she would leave me i m literally just a pit of despair and i act everyday like i m not i go laugh a little go to class go to the gym it s all fake i feel like garbage inside i went to party the last week and had fun all fake my heart ha been in my stomach since she broke up with me and i m seriously falling apart i don t know what to do i can t even gather my thought on here to type what s the point anymore i m barely hanging in there anymore

i m 9 male and autistic i have never had a relationship with anyone not even a date i had a few crush but i m too shy and socially awkward to act on them when girl try to flirt or hit on me i miss the sign because my brain doesn t work properly so i accidentaly reject them just to realize what i did a few hour later and get even sadder because i blew another chance i don t understand how i m supposed to find a romantic partner but i really want one i also don t think i would make a good partner my sex drive is high every slight mention of anything sex related give me a semi i really want to lose my virginity but the idea of being that intimate with another person is terrifying to me i would have to break so many social boundary to let anyone get so close to me and i wouldn t be comfortable breaking those boundary for another person either i stopped trying to talk about this with people close to me because no one understands i just wish i didn t have to deal with all these urge i ll never be able to fulfill i hate my life

i feel like i didn t do a much a i should have done in term of content creation and getting myself out there during 0 9 and 0 0 i know there s obvious reason a to why i couldn t do some of this stuff in 0 0 but i sometimes get myself really down for not doing certain thing i could have done in that time on my own i try to comfort myself when i see others who did certain thing at my age but sometimes it not enough i really hate how i feel so disoriented with my age due to not feeling like i did enough what i wa supposed to i m thinking of trying to see if i can be prescribed anti depressant so i can feel le crappy about myself

bullying ha really given me trauma i have social anxiety because of it i wa bullied in middle school because i wa ugly and i went to a prestigious school so lot of rich kid i m poor and i wa bullied for my clothes i only have friend i m starting to hate going to school and want to become a shut in it s so unfair i used to be so confident and social and now i m scared of raising my hand in class to use the restroom i try to make up natural look for clothes now but i can t do anything about my stupid ugly face and i wish i had the courage to vent irl but i just passively wait for someone to ask first

i don t really feel like i could talk to anyone here about it i sure a hell don t have the motivation to get a therapist though it would likely help honestly sometimes i wonder how i m expected to make it so many year there s just no way i can afford to smoke enough weed to get through even though i graduate in a couple month and move to college i know it s not gon na get better it s the same but new and ill just get to relive this hell again truthfully i have no hope for the future despite my inability to pull my own plug i realized however i don t think i could kill myself not anymore so i ll just keep sitting here though i really don t want to

it all started a couple year ago when i wa about to start a new job i wa lucky and bet that the stock market would go down with the few thousand dollar i made from my internship of course this wa when covid wa just hitting so i became hugely profitable from only a couple thousand dollar to m in value in only a month thinking back on it i wa crazy reckless i made my first million and then le than a week later i made my second million i wa feeling incredible thought i could retire and never have to work again but like all gambler i kept putting my money in trying to make more and more of course with the risk i wa taking eventually it would all come crashing down fast forward today i m now k in debt plus another 0k in student loan on the surface my friend think i m hugely successful because i flexed i made m to them didn t spend a dime though just kept trying to make more and more i also make 00k a year 00k salary with the rest a a one time bonus but only have in my bank account currently i no longer play in the stock market but have recently been doing sport gambling of course i keep losing money on that there are time that i go on a nice streak but it s like every time i lose i keep trying to make back my loss which make me do even dumber play i m not sure what i m expecting by writing this but i feel so embarrassed to tell the people i m close with my girlfriend of multiple year know that i no longer have a lot of money but don t know i m in debt my parent are super supportive but i m too embarrassed to tell them how bad my situation is i guess that s why i m writing to a bunch of stranger online i know my pursuit of trying to make back my money is wrong but i can t stop trying to get out of debt i feel so dumb it s like i see a rock in front of me but i keep on tripping over it it feel like i m slowly unraveling and feeling incredibly hopeless i can t sleep thinking about how my life ha gone downhill in such a short period of time my younger self would be straight up embarrassed if he could see me now i don t have suicidal thought yet but no longer feel the same motivation in life that i used to if only i never made that money in the first place

i have been caught in a cycle of depression v being hyper active it is a struggle to stay focused in either of those state of being doe anyone have a track or a song or even something you made yourself to help get out of this hole i love music and i need a new sound please help

why do i feel like when i m about to talk to someone i always see what am i lacking and how to provide solution for it and then not going to tell it in the end wtf

i m really starting to believe my life will not get better i ve been so sad for so long i don t see a fkin point sorry for the rant just really over life and fkin shit people

my entire body hurt i m so weak it took me minute to finally pick up my phone from my nightstand and type this i can t get myself to eat i m starving if the bathroom wasn t right next to me i d be having issue i m supposed to be doing school i can t even think about it right now i sleep hour a day and spend the rest of it wishing i could sleep more i feel like i m captive in my own bed i look disgusting i wish i could just die in my sleep i feel so much pain this is what hell must feel like my parent can t afford to institutionalize me therapy doesn t help my life ha no structure if suicide doesn t kill me then i ll die of dehydration or malnutrition i m stuck here and left to rot i need help my situation is dire but what do i even do at this point honestly i ll just kill myself and i ll no longer be a burden to my family

i went to a friend wedding with my boyfriend today and had a pretty bad episode we walked into the venue and i felt fine ten minute later i m having a panic attack in the bathroom i wa mute the entire time disassociating i couldn t eat i had so much anxiety we had to leave early amp i just felt so embarrassed my bf is very supportive and understanding but i still feel guilty and burdensome i wish i didn t get hit so hard by the low

hey everyone i ve been a long time reader of this sub and i wan na say first of all that i wish you all the best of life truly i m writing this in great sadness my life isn t bad i ve got a good family awesome friend there s nothing obviously wrong about me i study i work i m in my early 0 i ve made the life for myself that i thought i should and needed to have the problem is there s absolutely nothing about my life that make me happy that i can say that truly satisfies and fulfills me about two year ago i decided to made some radical change in my life i lost a ton of weight i started working more on my look my social skill budding up my confidence i got a job that despite being shitty af ha made me somewhat independent financially i feel like i ve come so far like i ve overcome so much yet right now i m writing you this in such a deep sadness i simply feel sad i feel empty i feel alone mostly i feel alone i feel misunderstood i feel like i m out of place i don t belong anywhere that i try to go t i don t belong to anyone and it s been like this every single day for the last year i feel like i m going mad i ve tried all i can and i truly mean this all that i possible could have done to find even the slightest resemblance of happiness but i haven t sometimes it feel like i m finding a way like i m finding some light but then suddenly it all go away i m tired guy it s my biggest shame in life to have to admit this that i somehow find myself in my early 0 saying i don t have any will to live the many year of life that i still have ahead of me and yet this is the truth i m tired and i don t want to continue not this way at least sometimes i wonder why me why did it happen to me

i just don t know what to do i m too cowardly to just end my life once and for all but at the same time i just can t fucking take it anymore i don t get why good thing happen to bad people and bad thing happen to good people this world is unfair and bullshit and the people in it are toxic what should i do

i ve been feeling really down recently don t really want to be alive but i know that if i tell my therapist i am suicidal she ll put in me in a psych ward so while i will tell her i m sad and depressed and why i m those thing but i won t tell her more don t really want to be in a ward probably won t try to kill myself if i m being homest but don t want to be alive

i feel hopeless like time is passing by and i m just here useless like nothing i do or say can change a goddamn thing i m tired of feeling this way but a soon a i get close to getting out of this hole something reel me right back in i don t have anyone to share these thought with so here i am i feel stupid for even posting how i feel like i should have someone to spill this to but i don t stupid pathetic worthless it s all that defines how i feel

this is a rant i saw a video about how this one person love every day of the week for a different reason and i immediately started cry cause i realized i can t remember the last time i wa excited to wake up the next day i haven t brushed my teeth in day my room is absolutely disgusting the stupidest thing make me sad or angry i got mud on my shoe bawled for hour dropped and spilt my drink cried got a craving for cooky but knew i wouldn t make them cried i feel like every day is a loop i m only and i miss school at least once a week and now my mom force me to go because of my many absence and it s sooo hard i feel like a disappointment to my parent because at the beginning of the year and i always have been a straight a student in advanced class now my grade are filled with c s and d s even though i m trying so hard

like a battery in a remote s back that keep it working i wish i could also remove the battery and just turn off for a while

this isn t getting better and i don t want to be here anymore

hi i ve been focusing on my mental health recently and i think i have depression here are my symptom i am constantly irritated i do not like any human interaction whatsoever for some reason i just don t like dealing with other people this varies from day to day i don t know if it s from past experience but i can t stand other people physically i have no energy finding interest in anything is an arduous task for me i am happy for those close to me that achieve or accomplish something but i just can t express it i notice this because i don t smile or act happy when it happens i have no motivation i am financially confident but i don t see the value of my work i don t know that to do with the reward i have earned with work i sleep a lot i probably sleep around 0hrs a day if anyone can explain if i do from past experience or if you are a professional please reply thanks

i just spent a good half of my morning trying to convince myself to get up and go to class how it is unbelievably stupid that i wa and had been skipping all the class just to lay around in bed practically doing nothing how my parent and relative would be disappointed that their money is being wasted on me me who don t know what i want to do have no idea why i m even still breathing all these good reason to get up and brush my teeth and go to class and i just pulled my blanket over my head and wait till it wa too late god why am i like this

my first appointment is on saturday but i can t fucking wait this out it s only two more day i need fucking help but it s over a fucking zoom call and i really can not keep going on anymore i need help so bad i don t feel comfortable talking to anybody else fuck this should i just die already i can t keep waking up anymore

just curious i ve been prescribed psychiatric medication my whole life and not a single one ha ever worked for me the best it could do is make me tired but in every other case it either did nothing or did something but not in a good way for example adderall and zoloft when i took adderall routinely in 0 9 i became malnourished because it killed my appetite and my teeth started breaking i developed clubbing on my fingertip and i wa manic depressed suicidal irate pissed off anxious scared and stressed the fuck out constantly every single day for 9 month straight with little to no break whatsoever from march december 0 9 zoloft made me sick a a dog that one morning i took it on an empty stomach there wa other stuff i didn t like too like trazodone which i started taking when it first came out and it wa like a huge trapezoid shaped pill that wa painful to swallow although they later changed this which made me uncomfortably tired a if i were being tranquilized then risperdal which made me have weird thought and grow tit and another one that wa really bad wa rexulti which wa rather new and experimental at the time i took it and after taking one of them i experienced full blown psychosis depakote did nothing for me whatsoever and clonidine made me a zombie when i first started taking it and all remeron doe is made me tired i wa actually given a dna test by my old doctor and she found that hardly any psychiatric medication of any sort including antidepressant and antipsychotic would work given my chemistry but she did find that i wa very receptive to cannabinoids the only psych med that ever made me feel good wa thorazine i took at a psychiatric intake when i wa upset and it kinda made me feel stoned from the best of my memory but then again i only took it one time the only medication that ha ever worked for me is marijuana hemp like the delta ape blunts that are delta 9 and 0 thc because delta 9 even in hemp is still controlled with no more than 0 allowed in a product since it is the psychoactive component in regular cannabis that get you too high and cause all that trippy paranoia shit you usually get off stronger stuff and even then this ha only been legal since 0 i ve noticed that weed not only uplift my mood when i m on it but even after it make me happy and improves my mental state in the long term the only time when i m not happy is when i m dry you re not you when you re sober no amount of chemical in a lab is going to fix that