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english_jokes

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5tw6jo

The Oroville dam catastrophe is Trump's fault

No manmade structure was designed to hold back that many liberal tears

5tw682

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?

So people don't confuse them with feminists.

5tw5fd

How do you encourage a bear to eat cheese?

C'mon bear!

5tw53r

What'd the cowboy say when he walked into the German car dealership?

Audi...

5tw4ge

American, German and Bosnian guys compete...

American, German and Bosnian guys compete who will fart out a wine bottle cap the furthest. American goes first, eats 1 bowl of beans and farts out the cap 5 feet. German goes next, eats a cauldron full of beans and farts the cap 17 meters. Bosnian goes last, eats 1 bean and farts. They couldn't find the cap and they give up. The next day on the news: "An UFO size of a wine bottle cap hits and kills a Japanese civilian!"

5tw3ri

I went to the house I grew up in and wanted to look around

I knocked on the door and asked if I could, the people just slammed the door in my face. My parents can be so rude sometimes.

5tw3kw

Why was the orchestra teacher angry?

Her students were pizzing her off.

5tw341

An advertiser for coke is dispatched to Israel

When he comes back, his friend asks him how it went. He replies that it did not go well. "What happened?" his friend asked. "Well, since I didn't know hebrew, I decided to convey the ad through a comic. The first panel showed a guy in a desert, dying of thirst. The secone panel showed him drinking coke. And the third panel showed him completely rejuvenated." "That sounds great! Why didn't it work?" "Nobody told me they read right to left!"

5tw2sc

I just finished the first semester in college and here is a list of things I failed at:

1.) The 1st semester

5tw2nx

Did you hear about the bakery that spent too much on cakes?

They ended up with an antoinette loss!

5tw1yr

My mother said that I'm indecisive

I couldn't understand where that came from, so I asked people. "It's because you like both dogs and cats" said my boyfriend. "No, no, no. It's because she likes both tea and coffee" said my girlfriend.

5tw1ou

Please pray for my daughter's soul

She was born a red head.

5tvzwx

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Right where you left it. I'm sorry. My mom taught me that joke and told me that every birthday and it's my birthday today.

5tvzv8

What's Trump's least favorite periodic element?

Just Tin

5tvzt7

An interviewer asks a shepard

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black ones or the brown ones? Interviewer: Brown ones. Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black ones? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which ones? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other ones? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black ones are mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown ones? Farmer: they are also mine

5tvzpi

Jon: walks out from the bathroom- "Hey man sorry I took so long, I was just fixing my hair"

Me: "Then what happened? Did you decide not to give a fuck??"

5tvz7t

The last man sat in a room. There was a knock at the door...

It was a lawyer. Edit: The last human on Earth.

5tvz4m

I would like to propose a toast! For honor...

If you can get honor. Stay honor. But if you can't come in her, Come honor. For honor!!

5tvyh7

Bunny comes to Bear's bakery...

He asks for a cabbage pie. Bear tells him they don't have that kind of pie. It repeats for a few days. Bear takes pity on Bunny and tells his wife, who does the baking: >Please, bake a cabbage pie for Bunny. He comes in every day asking for it. So the next day, Bunny is there again. >Do you have a cabbage pie?   >Yeah, we do!   >It's just gross, right?

5tvw0h

How deep do the Sandusky genes run?

All the way to boys size 12.

5tvvzo

Yo mamma's so stupid

She tried to use politics to determine if a vector field was conservative.

5tvvhg

My wife left me after being seduced by an Asian guy.

He's a real Dong Wong. I'll just show myself out...

5tvups

What's the difference between a playing card and Africa?

One is the ace of spades, the other is the space of aids.

5tvtxs

What do all women at the womens marches have in common?

They don't want the D

5tvtlu

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar

At the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT. Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

5tvtfb

What's the seamonster's favourite meal?

Fish & Ships

5tvt4u

Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines

5tvslu

I'm really torn on abortions...

On the one hand, I support it because it's killing babies. On the other hand, it gives women a choice.

5tvse3

The environment is so bad.

Dihydrogen monoxide now covers 70% of Earth.

5tvr0w

How do you get stuck bubble gum out of your hair?

Cancer!

5tvq8n

I ran over a Deer....

....dear dear old man

5tvpqd

When is pasta month?

I need to mark my colander.

5tvp3n

I hate when people misuse "it's" and "its"

Tits very annoying

5tvol1

TIL: 80% of people will believe a fact if it has a percentage in it

Or so I've been told

5tvnft

TIFU by being dyslexic and kidnapping 42 people

Sorry, wrong bus.

5tvmme

Putting it in.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

5tvmis

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A Brick.

5tvmfk

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember...

that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

5tvm3a

Why is everyone scared of my hard drive?

Because it has a terabyte.

5tvlt0

What was the most destructive dinosaur of the prehistoric era?

*Tyrannosaurus Wrecks*

5tvkx8

What advice did the family therapist give to Jerry Sandusky Jr.?

Always remain in-touch with the community.

5tvk5h

Tomorrow, I'm going to go to my girlfriend, get on one knee, present flowers and a ring, and say...

"My love for you is like these flowers and this ring. It's gonna wither and die by the end of the month and is also insanely overvalued."

5tvk0u

How did you know that the exterminator was attracted to termites?

Because he pitched a tent whenever he saw one...

5tvjxp

Is your refrigerator running?

If it's not, you better check the connections on the back, or call a maintenance guy. Hopefully you didn't lose power. I'd make sure to get it figured out soon so your food doesn't go bad.

5tvjoa

Why isn't Hitler playing in Esports?

I wonder why Hitler haven't been invited to a Epsorts event yet. His KD ratio was 6,000,000 to 1.

5tvjcr

I might've just wrote the greatest joke of all time.

But I think I'm gonna wait until someone else posts it here first though...

5tviq8

Why is Fiora always banned?

Great Reposte no counterplay.

5tvhzw

Ravens and Crows

A good friend told me a story once. When she was a kid her family would often go to zoos and museums while on vacation. They were in the aviary on one of those visits looking at birds. My friend saw a crow asked the zookeeper a question. "What's the difference between a raven and a crow?" The zookeeper looked at her, smiled and started to answer. "Have you ever heard of a pinion feather?" he said. "Pinions are the the feathers at the tip of a bird's wing that allows it to fly. They are also the ones that people will trim to prevent birds from flying away. Crows have 5 pinion feathers while ravens have 6. So, if you think about it, it's really just a matter of a pinion." To this day, my friend and her family don't know the real answer to "What's the difference between a crow and a raven?"

5tvhcr

A government man is walking his way to work...

As he carries his heavy suitcase, a Russian woman comes up to him with a whiskey bottle in her hand and says, "I'll jerk your dick while you chug this, deal?" The man, not even thinking about the situation, agrees instantly and they rush off to the restroom, find a stall, and start doing it. While being jerked, he caps of the whisky bottle and starts chugging. A moment after, he starts feeling funny and dozes off to sleep. He wakes up, unknown of the time that has passed, and looks down only to realize his pants and underwear is gone, including his suitcase. Horrified, he runs out of the restroom, his thong going everywhere and 'bout, and yells, "Help! Help! I've been jacked!"

5tvh1j

Can February march???

No, but April may.

5tvezi

What's the best way to get bubblegum out of your hair?

Cancer.

5tvei0

What do you call her when St. Nick's wife dumps him to join a biker gang?

A rebel without a Claus.

5tvedl

You're a very beautiful girl

... and you have a nice personality and a beautiful smile Girl: you just wanna get into my pants Boy: you're intelligent as well.

5tvdz8

Why are women attracted to intelligent men?

Opposites attract

5tvdu5

I'm obsessed with pushing my penis between my legs and pretending I'm a woman.

It all started when my dad used to tuck me in at night.

5tvcw2

Why should you always use your middle finger on a woman?

Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

5tvcvp

I didnt like my beard at first

Then it really grew on me.

5tvcn9

Are you Samarium, Arsenic, and Hydrogen?

because I want to SmAsH

5tv8xf

What kind of planes do rappers fly?

Spitfire

5tv7lx

Aliens come to earth, and they're friendly! [NSFW]

Aliens finally arrive on earth, and they're just as social as we are. They meet with the human delegation and have a lovely chat, talking about how each species eats and sleeps and so on. "Really! you guys put food in your face hole and throw away any leftovers. We just lay on it and absorb what we need." Stuff like that. The topic turns to procreation and both delegations admit they're curious and that a demonstration would be probably be best. The aliens go first. One hops on another's head, starts spinning and after ten minutes or so a tiny new alien falls to the ground, dusts itself off and politely asks for sustenance. Then it's our turn. The two volunteers come out and after a couple minutes they've finished (at least one of them has). The aliens stand there for a moment before one leans over and shyly and asks, "so, uh, where's the new human?" The humans reply, "oh, it'll be here in about 9 months." The alien asks "Then what was the rush at the end for?" The woman looks into the camera and says "Amen!" as the studio audience bursts into laughter and the credits roll.

5tv5k2

Me: (To Reddit) will you be my valentine ???

Reddit : " I am married and i have many childs (SubReddits) "

5tv545

Jeff won 20 million dollars

But he did not know about it and his family did. They were afraid that if they told him he would have a heart attack, so they chose his favourite brother Ted to tell him easily. "If you won 20 million dollars, what would you do with them?" Said Ted. "I would give you half of them" said Jeff. Today is Ted`s funeral.

5tv498

Math class

Teacher asks Johnny: "Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?" "An orgy?" Edited: names spelling, grammar.

5tv41j

How do bread cells divide?

They sbread apart through mitoastis

5tv3yv

Everyones keeps teasing me about being so damn lazy

I just can't do this anymore. I think I'm just going to kill myself. But the gun is like... way over there.

5tv3wa

!false

It's funny cause it's true.

5tv36i

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Zero.

5tv286

Sex

I know, I don't get it either.

5tv0pn

I'm selling an authentic French rifle..

It was never fired and only dropped once.

5tuztc

Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars

The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

5tuzkp

How to properly propose to a stoner

Marriage-you-wanna?

5tuywc

The bartender asks the first one "What can I get you?"

Two race conditions walk into a bar.

5tuysg

Two gay men in are having sex.....

Two gay men are having sex in bedroom. After a while one of them decides that he needs a break and goes to bathroom. The second one thinks he's away for too long so he goes to check him. When he finds him in bathroom, whole room is covered with semen. He asks with anger: 'Why didn't you wait for me?!' but second one sort of surprised answers: 'Oh you mean that? I just farted....'

5tuy8f

What did the pea wonder before an 8 hour road trip?

To pee or not to pee.

5tuxbl

Why was the teacher cross eyed?

Because he couldn't control his pupils.

5tuxa3

Old McDonald had a farm...

2.71828 √(-1) 2.71828 √(-1) (5-5)

5tuwy5

Manager gets caught stealing from his pizza job.

Upper management says, they caught him stealing "dough".

5tuvep

What kind of bee produces milk instead of honey?

A boo bee

5tuu4o

Why did the muslim guy rig a competition?

So he could win Allah the prizes.

5tuu3i

What do you call a doctor named Otto?

An ottometrist

5tutkq

Donald Trump's greeting to all Mexicans on 14th February.

Happy Wallentine's Day.

5tusy1

Why were the Vandals so fat?

Gravity

5tuswx

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and looks like a duck...

Then the humans will suspect nothing!

5tuspr

What is the difference between Snickers and a dick?

Try Snickers sometimes

5tusk0

My father died from an overdose of Viagra recently.

It's been a hard time for us.

5tuqfk

Mexican word of the day: Chicken

My wife tried to come to America, but thanks to trump chicken not get in.

5tupjq

Do you like duck sausage?

Then duck on over here and get some.

5tuond

What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export?

Troops

5tuntg

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..

Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

5tunql

I learned sign language

It's very handy!

5tumj3

Does anyone else get as excited about Valentine's Day coming up as they do about Christmas?

Or is it just because I'm Jewish?

5tume2

You know what's really odd?

Numbers that aren't divisible by two.

5tumbp

My grandpa said to me: "I don't think these "Free (someone)" things are working..."

"I mean I've seen millions of these "Free Wifi" -signs through the years, but as far as I know, the poor bastard hasn't been freed yet!"

5tulqd

A monkey is getting stoned in a tree..

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!" The monkey looks down and says, "Fuck man! How much water did you drink?!?"

5tullq

What do you call the cleavage of a woman with fake breasts?

Silicone Valley

5tukgs

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?"

I asked an old man, "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?" . OLD MAN: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her

5tuk5x

How does Hellen Keller drive?

One hand on the steering wheel, the other on the road

5tujua

This administration is doing everything they can as quickly as possible

So much so, even their scandals are Russian.

5tuiq5

What did the gay horse eat for brunch?

Hay HAY Hay

5tugln

There's one good thing about being a porn star.

You're always going to be satisfied with the job.