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short_jokes

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From now on when skinny girls say they're fat I'm just gonna be like, "Yup" & walk away.

What did the homeless person say to the gay job interviewer when asked for his address? No home-o.

How many people with dementia does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side.

What type of fruit is not allowed to get married? Cantaloupe...

I like my women like I like my coffee... I don't fucking like coffee.

butts are truly the final frontier. to think we know more about SPACE than we do about the human butt. two fleshy mounds of mystery & wonder

I find like geologers make really good friends... ...they are very down to Earth.

I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the artic... ...Doc says I might have "Buy Polar" disorder! EDIT: arctic*

Heading to Chinatown after work... I heard it's Erection Day.

How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.

I want to start a coffee shop that only plays ambient/electronic music... and call it Brian Beano.

I like my girlfriend's new glow-in-the-dark braces... ...her smile really lights up the room now.

This bank pen tastes like it's been in a lot of other people's mouths

Redditors don't like this [Deleted]

Mom writes to her son in Poland's army: "Dear Son, I am writing this letter ever so slowly..... ....because I know you cannot read fast"

Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!

The best thing about adolescent humor... is that it never gets old!

I hate how the losers of every election maintain such a high view of themselves... They're conceded

I didn't see mommy kiss Santa, but my sister saw her kiss the mailman, which explains why I'm the only one with brown eyes in the family

Why did the vampire attack the clown? He wanted the circus to be in his blood.

"It's 5 o'clock somewhere." - a shitty watch.

How do I know when your sister's on her period..... Your dad's dick taste like blood

What do you call going Doctor to Doctor... What do you call going Doctor to Doctor to figure out what your inflammatory bowel disease is called? A Game of Crohn's.

What's the difference between a pizza and a black man? The pizza can feed a family of 4.

Knock knock. Who's there? Benjamin. Benjamin Who? Yes, Benjamin Netanya Who.

If you hear the words "oh yeah, suck it" coming from my bedroom, it's probably just me vacuuming.

A photon walks into a hotel The bell boy walks up and asks, "Do you have any luggage?". "No," says the photon, "I'm traveling light."

If your'e anxious and you know it..... ...clasp your hands.

its macaroni and cheese not macaroni and steve

People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]

*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people

Here's two short jokes and a long joke: joke. joke. joooooooke.

"911, what's your emergency?" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.

What do you call a relaxed redneck? A chillbilly.

Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today... He just yelled at me.

Ever since the news came out about Samsung.... Their phones have been blowing up.

Osama Bn Laden Jokes in the title.

What is the term for a group of Canadians? Is it "an apology"? "Oh look, there goes an apology of Canadians"

Trump wants to appoint Ben Carson to the Department of Education, but I think he would do better in the FDA He can feed everyone with all of the grain in those pyramids.

Putting a woman on a $10 makes sense . . . . . . no one really wants a 1 or a 5. (As heard on Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me)

I always check my smoke alarms to make sure they're working. I call it "cooking"

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police] "why isn't he wearing a shirt" we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

Put the punchline in the title. How do you piss off a redditor?

I just found out I am a hipster Because I started using #NotMyPresident 8 years ago.

What's the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer only has to have information punched into it once.

I just released my mixtape in Tianjin. It was da bomb. Too soon?

How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout "Heroes in a half shell." 3) When a girl yells back "Turtle Power," marry her.

What's the sharpest thing in the word? A fart. It goes right through your pants and doesn't leave a hole.

*calls into work* "yo boss i'm real sick" "you don't sound sick..." "ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys" "wow u do sound hella sick"

I'm not saying that girl's a slut... But she has touched more wieners than Heinz ketchup.

A Kiss can make my whole day... But anal could make my hole weak

The best joke you'll never hear

how are a silver medalist and a priest alike They both came in a little behind

I wonder if a ghost has ever watched me masturbate.

S is my favorite letter because it changes biscuit to biscuits.

Saw a homeless guy babbling about conspiracy theories that doesn't really make sense... You could say it was a vague rant.

Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?

Don't judge me because I like 80's music. Judge me because I had a late term abortion because a baby would ruin my holiday plans.

When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don't invite people to my house.

What's a con-artists favorite holiday? Scamentine's Day.

An infectious disease enters a bar... the bartender says,"we dont serve your kind here". The disease replies, "well you're not a very good host!"

If four out of five people suffer from radiation poisoning... Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Having the option to erase and re-record after having to leave a voicemail is one of my favorite things about life.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Stealing mosquito repellent... Jacking Off!

What do you call a small, noisy dog? A subwoofer.

September is Alzheimer's Awareness month... remind me tomorrow.

Well it's like my dad always told me "When life gives ya lemons" Chances are you're in the fruit aisle.

What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !

I just saw the Assassins Creed Movie Trailer... I did not expect The Spanish Inquisition.

Why do Canadians do it doggy style? So they can both watch the hockey game.

Dad and son A son asks his father "Why does my bum hurt" while the father replies "Because I love you son"

Why does little sally have a limp? SHE WENT TO JARED!

A programmer began to cuss Because getting to sleep was a fuss. When laying in her bed Looping round in her head Was: while (!asleep()): sheep++;

"Oh you just put lotion on? You're not going anywhere." - Doorknob

I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes and my dad's really going to get the hump!

When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

Islam is a race. Because it's inbreeds fucking each other.

Why don't you want your nose to be 12 inches long? because then it would be a foot!

Political Joke The Economy

Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton

Why do midgets laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls

When someone tells you to "get a Life," just take theirs. They'll be happy you took their advice, and you'll be happy they're dead.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: "Well, isn't this quaint?" Day Two: Murder

How to get a job... Interviewer: "What's your biggest weakness?" Interviewee: "I never learn from my mistakes" Interviewer: "Oh, why's that?" Interviewee: "I never make any"

I showed my son a floppy disk today... ...he said: 'oh cool, you 3D-printed a save icon'

What do golfers do on nights out? **par**ty.

How does an Australian clean is bum? Bidet, mate.

I feel quite light today. Pounds aren't what they used to be.

"Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP" -first rule of Sprite Club

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Yo mama... Yo mama is so poor, she can't even pay attention

Difference between priest and acne? What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? Acne waits until puberty to come on a kid's face.

Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be? Me: Can they both be dead?

T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.

Since Michael Jackson's death hundreds of children have gathered at the gates of Neverland. Police have said that they will let them out once they find a locksmith. - http://ww.key-n-lock.com

Did you hear about the constipated dyslexic? He had trouble moving his elbows.

Why are mountains so funny? Because they are hill-areas