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Oguzz07

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reddit-tifu-dataset

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Earlier this year, AncestryDNA had a sale on their kit. I thought it would be a great gift idea so I bought 6 of them for Christmas presents. Today my family got together to exchange presents for our Christmas Eve tradition, and I gave my mom, dad, brother, and 2 sisters each a kit. As soon as everyone opened their gift at the same time, my mom started freaking out. She told us how she didn’t want us taking them because they had unsafe chemicals. We explained to her how there were actually no chemicals, but we could tell she was still flustered. Later she started trying to convince us that only one of us kids need to take it since we will all have the same results and to resell extra kits to save money. Fast forward: Our parents have been fighting upstairs for the past hour, and we are downstairs trying to figure out who has a different dad. TL;DR I bought everyone in my family AncestryDNA kit for Christmas. My mom started freaking. Now our parents are fighting and my dad might not be my dad. Update: Thank you so much for all the love and support. My sisters, brother and I have not yet decided yet if we are going to take the test. No matter what the results are, we will still love each other, and our parents no matter what. Update 2: CHRISTMAS ISN’T RUINED! My FU actually turned into a Christmas miracle. Turns out my sisters father passed away shortly after she was born. A good friend of my moms was able to help her through the darkest time in her life, and they went on to fall in love and create the rest of our family. They never told us because of how hard it was for my mom. Last night she was strong enough to share stories and photos with us for the first time, and it truly brought us even closer together as a family. This is a Christmas we will never forget. And yes, we are all excited to get our test results. Merry Christmas everyone! P.S. Sorry my mom isn’t a whore. No you’re not my daddy.

Excellent Christmas drama. OP update us on who is your new dad.

The overhead fan in our bedroom uses one of those compact halogen light bulbs. 6 years ago the bulb burned out and got really dim, just barely a glow. I bought a replacement bulb but when I put that one in it was also barely lighting up so I realized the unit was bad. The fan still worked GREAT, it literally is the best fan I’ve ever had because it moves a ton of air and is super quiet. The fan had also been a gift when we moved into our house, the unit cost over $400 so I didn’t really want to replace it even though our bedroom doesn’t get much natural light so it is pretty dark. So since then over the years my wife and I have had to make due with no overhead light. We open the windows during the day, and at night use a combination of bedside lamps and the bathroom light. It’s never really as good of lighting as an overhead lamp so I keep some flashlights up there for when we are cleaning or looking for something etc. After 6 years of living in the dark, this winter I just decided I would replace the damn thing. But before I did, I decided to try one last time with another bulb because, however unlikely, it’s possible BOTH bulbs I had tried were bad. So I’m up there installing the new bulb, grab the remote (the fan has a remote) and as I’m turning the light on I realize: The goddamn thing is dimmable. For 6 fucking years we lived with the inconvenience of no overhead light and the whole time it was just because the damn thing was set to “dim”. Fuck me. TL;DR For 6 years I lived with no bedroom light because the overhead lamp was broken, but turns out it it was fine and it was just set to a dim setting the whole time.

OMG u/moby323 thank you. We moved into a new house several months ago. The ceiling fan light in my office works but wasn't bright enough. I've just been ignoring it. Your post inspired me to see if it was dimmed. It was in fact dimmed. Much better now. ​ Edit: many people have asked, so I will explain that the remote control has two buttons for the light. I assumed one would brighten and one would dim. But they both toggle. Odd, but I ignored it. Turns out if you hold the button it changes brightness. From the replies, it seems that standard behavior is a single light button that cycles through brightness. This one, the button you choose determines the direction it starts in when cycling brightness. ​ Also, thank you for the gilding, kind strangers. Did y'all know that gold comes with a week of Premium? I didn't. That's pretty kickass. Also 100 Coins which is enough to give silver. Nice.

Today was the day I realised I messed up by not realising sooner and just thinking my content was shit For the last 12 months I've been commenting on peoples posts, I've created my own posts. I haven't had a single upvote or reply to anything.. my karma has been at 885 for as long as I can remember so I just figured I wasnt very interesting (still likely true!) Last month I started to try and see my own posts through guest accounts and figured out they weren't showing, I could still clearly see my comments and posts on my account. Anyway, I finally mailed the help team and found out my IP was accidentally mixed in with some action to take out spammers, if you can see this it's all sorted now (and if you cant, I'm still in my own little Truman show) If you're procrastinating (and let's face it, you are) feel free to go through my post history and verify the lack of any human engagement.. TL;DR I was muted one year ago and didn't notice. Since then I've spent the whole time thinking how boring I must be because nobody replies or updoots me.. :-/ Edit: So I've gone from castaway to a full room of people handing me little arrows! Wilson and I thank you xx Edit 2: this is crazy! Thanks to everyone for all the jewels and things I know nothing about. I'll figure it out and pay it forwards! Special thanks to those that are answering my unanswered questions from previous posts - MVPs! Please dont be too sad about this, i find it kind of funny that I've been such an idiot for so long. It's ok to laugh with/at me :) Edit 3: Reddit is awesome. I've missed you guys! Dont feel mad at the mods, its a tough and thankless job and flooders/bots are a real PITA. Its just one of those things and I thank them for putting in the hours. I also want to use this very brief soap box to raise awareness for mental health. Most of us here use Reddit as an escape, some people here have fewer friends irl than they do on the net. Make sure each other are ok every once in a while (if someone goes missing, like for more than a month....) - if you see someone struggling send them a message of support, even a stranger can help. I love all of you weirdos <3 Edit 4: No more I promise. I'm completely overwhelmed by the response and the nice feedback. I'm trying to answer all of the questions but its difficult to keep up. I created an /AMA when this thread went down, if you relate to any of the topics close to me like diabetes, gaming, mental health, parenting etc then keep in touch. Heres a shameless pic of me with the best doggo in the world (and authentication for mods) - he listens to me even when you guys dont ;-) https://imgur.com/EgCbe6W Stop giving me gold! I appreciate it but give to charity instead! Heres something different we could do <3 https://www.reddit.com/r/Charity/comments/bbok3m/redditors_lets_do_something_different_for_charity/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

This must have happened to my tinder account

Sigh. Work was rough today and all I wanted to do afterward was to sit on the couch and let the TV watch me while eating food not cooked by my own hands. The answer to that? Delivery. Food ordered, I let the dog into the yard to burn some energy and sat camped outside with him while waiting for the delivery. Doordash, Grubhub, Uber and everyone other than Jehovah's Witnesses has trouble locating my address strictly relying on GPS so it's nothing for me to post up and wait outside for when they are close, flag them down and go back inside for a contactless drop-off. Pertinent details before shit hits the fan; my neighbor and I share a fence with a doggy door as our pups are super close and you can bet each time that if my dog is outside, hers will follow for cross-yard playtime. This was the case today and probably bad judgement on my part to think that I would be able to break up the fun quickly. Both dogs were in the neighbor’s yard at the time the notification came through that the driver was pulling up and I had to call out a few times to get my dog’s attention. Neighbor thankfully whistled for her dog and I had to put on the ”voice” for mine to acknowledge I existed and then took off running for my door while waving to the driver who by this point was getting out of the car. Pup and I have a game called Runaway where I will take off yelling ”RUNAWAY” and literally he will chase after me like some human sized fetch-stick. I use this to my advantage until he realized I was putting him inside but managed to get him through the storm door and close the screen before he could run out. Then realized that I'd left the gate locked like an idiot with the driver standing right outside by this point. I didn't have a mask on at this point and neither did she so I yelled from the porch that she could leave the food by the mailbox and that is where the fun started. ”Is that your dog?” My bullshit meter didn't go off. I thought she was asking a question with an obvious answer because duh, she was a dog person so I engaged with dog-owner gushiness. Yes; blah, blah, blah... His name is XYZ... Wanna say hi? I’ll be nice because you brought my food. But she just stood there awkwardly for a moment, put the food down and quickly jumped back into her car. In my mind I was like, ”okay weird” but whatever. Snatched the food and went back inside. Went to wash my hands and from the kitchen window, I can see the full street where she is still parked outside. Thinking “okay weird...” again but didn’t dwell on it too much figuring that she was looking at the route to her next location. I went about my business of preparing to destroy my meal. Few minutes later, the dog begins barking manically at the door. I take a glance at the cameras and realize she is still out front parked directly in front of my mailbox. Uh...ok? What’s going on here? I go outside and try to get her attention but she is on the phone and doesn’t notice me. I walk up like I’m going to check the mail and she does pull off, but towards the back of the neighborhood that only has one way in and one way out. Lots of people make that mistake and so you’ll quickly see cars turning back around but she never came back. By this time, I think I’m losing my mind so I go back in but still watching the street for the car to pass. It never does. I don’t know, people are weird so I just left it at that and went back to eat. About ten minutes later, dog starts going ham at the door so I check the cameras to see two police cars sitting outside my house. I continue to watch the cameras realizing that yup, the cops are getting out of the car and walking back and forth in front of mine and neighbor’s yards. I go out to see if anything is wrong and they introduce themselves before saying they were called because a stolen Golden Retriever was reported at my address and if there was a dog in the home. It clicked that Driver had called the police and then explained my version of what happened. They were really respectful and apologetic but asked if I could get Sir Pup. I went ahead and opened the door for the dog who took off, ready to greet the new faces outside. His collar has tags matching the address with my name and phone number on it in case he was ever lost or stolen which was proof enough for them as it was obvious that they wanted to get this over as fast as possible. No hard feelings on either side, we were all walking away when Driver’s car slowly comes creeping from the back of the neighborhood. I yelled out to them that the lady was right there and they positioned themselves in front of her car in a way she would have to stop and speak with them. I don’t know if this lady was drunk or off her meds but she rolled down the window and was literally sobbing hysterically that she saw me take the dog from the neighbor’s yard, that animals get no justice and the icing on the cake? MY KIND only owns Pittbulls and Rottweilers. There was no way he was mine and needed to be protected. I honestly did not want to deal with that mess so sorry guys, this isn’t a tale of revenge; I went back inside and stayed the fuck on my couch. My day was already shitty. Everyone left a few minutes after that so I assume she got a warning. However, I did report the incident to the delivery service and was offered credits towards my next meal. I splurged that on a bakery and now am currently fucking up a slice of carrot cake, grateful it didn’t end worse. TL; DR Ordered food, racist delivery person thought I stole my own Golden Retriever and had a breakdown when I didn’t get carted off in handcuffs. Didn’t get shot but got cake in the end. Edit: Wow, Reddit! Waking up to the massive amounts of love and well wishes was amazing! Thank you so much for your kind words! I am going to do my best and go through every comment and private message. I wish I could share this cake with all of you! Carrot cake lovers unite! Happy to share this pile of awards with other great posts and comments! Taking the sound advice to keep a close eye on the dog when he goes out. Will also share with neighbor just in case! My husband did agree with many of you to seek further action against the delivery driver but I’m pretty torn on whether to do so. Things are hard out here for all of us including the less savory members of our community but I will take the day to think on the next steps. I appreciate the sub this was posting to for restoring it after being removed. I apologize that this topic bent the rules and didn’t think 100% before submitting. This was a way to vent. Thank you for allowing this to be a place of dialogue! Stay classy, everyone!

Ok seriously, if you WERE going to steal a dog why would you steal your neighbors dog. Like they wouldn’t notice you suddenly had a golden retriever that looked exactly like their golden retriever and seemed to recognize them? I’m sorry that the most stupid people also tend to be the most racist.

TIFU by lying to my wife for 13 years… My wife hates orange and lime flavored candies. I love them. Well, love the orange, like the lime. So, she passes on the orange starburst to me. She passes the orange and green skittles to me. She passes the orange and green gummy bears to me. This has been happening for 13 years. What she doesn’t know is that the green Haribo gummy bears are actually strawberry. Shortly after we married, for one reason or another, I looked at the back of the Haribo gummy bears package and discovered this. So I haven’t said anything for 13 years. Every time we get gummy bears, she gives me the orange and green (strawberry). I’ve never said a word. I’ve enjoyed eating my little lies. Until last night… We had some gummy bears and she opened them and she started to hand me the orange and green ones. But after a few minutes, I saw her looking at the back of the bag. Then I saw her eyes get REAL BIG. She turned to me and asked if I’ve known that the green bears were strawberry. She always thought they were lime. I was honest and nodded my head yes. The look of betrayal was unreal…. She asked how long I’ve known, and I was honest. I told her as long as we’ve been married. She quit giving me the gummy bears she didn’t like. She was even eating the orange ones out of spite. I don’t think I’ll get any more gummy bear discards after this. Time to buy my own. Edit: We don’t eat these every day. A few times a year at most. I don’t just get the “rejects.” It’s a shared bag. Whenever she grabs a few, she would pick out the orange and green and hand to me. Just like I would give the pineapple to her (bleh). TL;DR I never corrected my wife by telling her she gave me strawberry gummy bears. She thought they were lime. Now she knows and is spite eating my favorites.

My Mom didn't know that a local pizza place gave free breadsticks with a large pizza. My Dad had been eating them on the way home with the pizza... for 10 years.

EDIT: I got an AMA thread now. Help me: https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/6rwl9z/tifu_by_being_the_guy_who_cummed_into_a_coconut/?utm_content=title&utm_medium=new&utm_source=reddit&utm_name=tifu This TIFU didn't happen today but quite a few years back. For obvious reasons I'm using a throwaway account as my family knows my main reddit username. ------------------------- Anyway, around 8 years back I lived in Northern Mozambique, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a 'health nut' phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of these was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market. Anyway, being a horny teenager I fapped in regular intervals. Unfortunately there was some severely stressful examinations coming up for me and as such my fapping reached a higher peak then usual and I was feeling pretty sexually frustrated. One day I hear that my mother is going to be out for pretty much the entire afternoon. Horny me decides that it would be a fantastic idea to fuck a coconut. Honestly to this day I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged. I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20ish minutes of *concerted* effort end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing (some butter) before shoving it into the coconut followed shortly by my meat. I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good so I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed and continue about my day. -------------------- For the next week the coconut is my saviour. Whenever I want to get off I simply take it out and fuck it in its *delightfully* tight hole made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter acting as a lubricant. It's heaven. Now before I continue I'd best mention that at the time our area was experiencing quite humid, muggy weather which exacerbated an already existing fly problem. Disgustingly fat, bloated flies were commonly found around our house and the exterminators couldn't really do anything because it was a localized area problem that would "go away in the winter". About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one. **Worst mistake I have ever made.** You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and *TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS*. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra. I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life. **Never again. NEVER AGAIN.** TL;DR Don't fuck coconuts. EDIT: Jesus this exploded. I'm glad my maggoty experience made some people laugh, because I sure cry everytime I think back to it. EDIT 2: RIP inbox EDIT 3: Thanks for the gold. It eases my shame a little. I'm thinking of doing an AMA for you more curious individuals. Maybe if the post hits 10K - it's quite uncomfortable to discuss though as the visceral memories come back EDIT 4: My shame has never been this large. 47.1K upvotes. My story of coconut fucking is now permanently etched into reddit's history. Lord save me.

"Huh, this thing smells like it's rotting a bit, I guess I should shove my dick in it one last time" What the fuck OP?

Minor background: I am a pretty affectionate, and at times, effeminate, dude. I'm 6'2 and have a pretty "tough-guy" background in that I was in special forces a while ago, and my roommates all served as well, but I also have thin wrists and sit on my friends' laps and blow kisses to them and shit. I'm not gay, I just am me. So while I was in a shop with a roommate a few weeks ago he saw these really cool shawls that we both couldn't get out of our heads; he returned last weekend to buy them and now we have these shawls. Mine makes me look like a Star Wars character and his looks like the Outlaw Josey Wales, these are seriously awesome shawls. The first night we wore them, everybody at the dive bar we went to (Re: dudes) thought they were awesome as well. Then this girl and her friend arrive on invite from Shawlbro, and they are seriously turned off by our sweet shawls. Like, acting pretty weird about them and making comments. Whatever. So I get a call from my GF, she's tired and wants to hang out at mine, and so I bid these mean girls and Shawlbro adieu and head home. I'm still wearing the shawl when my GF arrives and she's also really taken aback, she won't even kiss me until I take it off. We get do the deed and go to sleep, and the next morning she starts asking me if I'm gay. And she's really serious and aggressive about it. I tell her I'm not, that if I was I'd definitely know if by now, and she counters with her major evidence of the fact that I own a shawl. Anyway she gets weird and leaves, and then sends me a text later about how she's sorry and that she "needs to think about what kind of man" she wants, and then doesn't contact me for days. So yesterday I invite her out, she's stumbling over her words and talking about how she likes tough guys and how she grew up in the south and needs to get used to The Big City, but that she doesn't know this or that, and eventually I just tell her very politely to get fucked because I'm pretty insulted by this point. On the way back, now that I'm not directly in front of her, I get this long apologetic text from her but the crux of it is that yeah, she's just not that into me anymore because I wore a shawl. Later on, I tell Shawlbro about this, and he also had a blowout with the girl he was seeing over his shawl that very same night we went out. We are both going to keep wearing the shawls though, they are warm. Tl;dr: Me and my friend bought cursed shawls and now we are single. &#x200B; Edit: She's a nice girl, she's just not pickin up what I'm puttin down. It's a silly thing to be mad about. And by popular demand: [It's shawl over for you hoes](https://imgur.com/a/XXCrcM5) Edit 2: [Shawlbro](https://imgur.com/a/ZvlS5N9)

If you and Shawlbro continue to sport shawls and get new, hotter girlfriends, you should call it "Shawlshank Redemption".

So this happened a few days ago and I’m still not sure I’m 100% ready to tell the story but here goes. I’ve been with my girlfriend for about a year and I already know she is the love of my life. She’s perfect for me. We’re perfect for eachother. We’re getting ready to move in with eachother and I want nothing more than to start a family with her and spend the rest of my life with her. We went on a short vacation last week and when we returned she gave me her phone to look at some photos from the trip. She went to the bathroom while I had her phone, and as I was scrolling through the pictures it kind of jumped to a period that was about a year and a half ago. If you have an iPhone you know what I’m talking about, you scroll a little bit too fast and all of a sudden you’re back at the start of the photo album. It’s annoying as hell. But some photos caught my eye. Some photos that I really shouldn’t be seeing, of her and a previous boyfriend. There she is, the love of my life, TRYING to get her mouth around the biggest dick I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve watched porn - a lot. I’ve never seen a dick like this. I’m talking bigger than 2 coke cans stacked on top of eachother. Longer and thicker. As far as I could tell she was unable to get her teeth around it. I could see another thumbnail of her comparing the size of his dick to her forearm with a look of wonder and glee on her face. I closed the pictures and I’ve acted like nothing has happened, but I cannot get these images out of my mind. I’ve never been self-conscious about my dick size - in fact if you believe the stats I’m significantly above average, but this has destroyed my self esteem. We haven’t had sex since. I can’t concentrate on my work. I just wish I had never seen those damn pictures. TL;DR accidentally saw some pictures of the love of my life sucking the biggest dick on earth and my stupid male ego is destroyed UPDATE: There’s a lot of people assuming that this was a one-night-stand. It wasn’t. She was with this guy for 3 years.

I'm sorry man but I'm upvoting solely for that username.

Recently, I traveled to Denver, Colorado with my wife and my wife's parents. As a resident of a non-legalized state -- and as someone who is too much of a pussy to regularly buy illegal drugs -- the thing I was looking forward to most was the chance to buy fancy legal weed. What could possibly go wrong? So the first thing I do upon arriving (and after successfully ditching the in-laws) is drag my wife to a nearby dispensary for a shopping spree. And oh my god, it was just like in my dreams. Tons of different options in neat little sample jars and a team of helpful stoners walking me through the various strains: "Are you looking for a mellow body high? Or do you want something that gives you a bit more pep and energy? Or are you just hoping for something light to take the stress off?" "Yes, yes and yes!" I reply eagerly, like a fat kid in a candy store, and request an eighth-ounce of about 7 different options. In hindsight, if I learned anything from this experience, it is that my math and science teachers never taught me basic information, like "what is an ounce?" or "how much weed can a person consume in a single weekend?" Sure, I can tell you when two speeding trains leaving separate stations will collide or recite Avogadro's Number, but it turns out that **none** of that information is particularly relevant to getting high in a responsible and efficient manner. And it was at this dispensary that I also learned that you can't actually smoke in public places (including the hotel that my wife and I were staying at). As a result, before leaving, I begged my wife to buy some edibles that I could munch on until we found a place to properly get lit. After expressing shock as to the absurd volume of drugs that we were buying (unlike me, she is the product of private school and understands the Imperial measurement system) she relents, and we walk out of the store with what felt like a dump truck of weed plus a small package of seemingly-innocuous gingersnap cookies. When we finally get back to the hotel room, I tear those bad boys open... only to find about a dozen tiny cookies roughly the size of a quarter. What the fuck, Denver? Seeing the skepticism (and hunger) in my eyes, my wife warns me that I should go easy and look at the back of the package first before trying one. "Dose size: 1/2 cookie," I read silently as I start taking micro-bites from the edges, like a giant chinchilla gnawing on a sunflower seed. But what kind of a savage only eats half a cookie? So a second later, I covertly pop the remainder into my mouth. And then I quickly stuff another two cookies in my mouth for good measure the moment my wife turns her back. We may not have legal weed back home, but I routinely devour an entire package of Milanos in one sitting without breaking a sweat. Your move, tiny gingersnaps. About 30 minutes later we are in the backseat of her parents' rental car on the way to dinner. And that's when things start to go tits-up. My stomach growls. Loudly and angrily. My wife looks at me with inquisitive eyes that seem to say "Diarrhea?" But I merely clutch my tummy and mumble something about altitude sickness. "You didn't eat a whole cookie, did you?" she asks, 10% in genuine concern and 90% in seething irritation. "Of course not." I respond, avoiding eye contact for the remainder of the car ride. A few minutes later we are climbing out of her parents' rental car and heading into some trendy farm-to-table restaurant. I don't remember how I made it to my seat, and I don't remember even looking at the menu, but I do remember the concerned look on the waiter's face as he asked me if I was doing alright. "Keep it together, man," I say to myself. But my wife's sudden groan suggests that I may have also said that to the waiter. Things are going downhill fast. The waiter nods sympathetically, takes our orders, and then heads to the next table. The moment he walks away, my wife is staring daggers at me. I start to worry that the jig is up. "You are sweating... from your entire face," she says with both pity and disgust. Not quite knowing what to do, I reach for my napkin and proceed to blot my cheeks, nose, neck, chin and forehead. At this point, my wife's mom looks over at me with some concern. "Are you alright?" she asks kindly. "Yeah, the food's just a bit spicy," I reply, far too quick to realize that we had literally just ordered and that there is **nothing** on the table except for a basket of dinner rolls. My wife kicks me under the table to grab my attention. "Bathroom. Now." she hisses. "Get it together." I reluctantly get up from the table and head for the toilet. After splashing several handfuls of water on my face, I approach a urinal and start to pee. Now, one of the more disconcerting effects of those tiny gingersnap monsters is the feeling that time has become untethered from reality. As I am peeing, I start to get the very unsettling feeling that I have been taking a piss for the better part of an hour and that my wife must be pacing around the restaurant worried about me. But deep down I know that is absurd: I've been peeing all my life, sometimes multiple times a day. I've probably taken more than 50,000 leaks, and it usually only takes about a minute at most. So given that my typical pee is no more than 60 seconds -- and given that it feels like I am about half way done -- that means that I've probably only been standing here about 30 seconds, right? But the guy at the urinal next to me doesn't respond, and instead starts shuffling away from me mid-stream, like a startled penguin. I try, albeit unsuccessfully, to break eye-contact. After finally finishing, I again splash some water on my face and return to my seat, making sure to apologize to the table "for being gone such a long time" just in case my math was off. Next, I try briefly to engage in small talk with my wife's father, but I am far too high to understand what either of us are saying. Not wanting to start laughing uncontrollably at the wrong moment -- or, really, at any moment -- I figure the safest idea is to nod my head periodically and drink a ton of water. Nothing cures mental fatigue like water, right? To my wife's horror, I stand up, grab my water glass and thrust it out to the waiter, who unfortunately is on the opposite side of the restaurant. But he turns out to be really cool and, after making his way over to our table, tells me that he'll do his best to keep me stocked with ice water for the rest of the meal. He also helpfully suggests that if the dinner rolls aren't too spicy for me, I should probably eat one or two so that I'm not sitting there on an empty stomach. Smart man. However, after going through all of the bread on the table and three glasses of water, I start to get worried that I need actual food to offset the growing paranoia from those tiny gingersnap devils. "Do you think I should flag down the waiter again and ask what's taking so long?" I suggest helpfully to my wife. "What?! We literally just ordered three fucking minutes ago." And at that exchange, my wife loses her cool. "HOW MANY COOKIES DID YOU EAT?!" she demands. "Whoa, easy there, Torquemada," I respond, somewhat horrified at her outburst. "I had a few cookies, but keep it down. I don't want your parents to know how fucked up I am right now." "REALLY?! THEY ARE SITTING TWO FEET AWAY FROM YOU. THEY KNOW." I look up and for the first time notice both of my in-laws just staring at me... for what literally felt like an eternity. TL;DR: ate way too many edibles on a trip and wigged out during a dinner with my wife and her parents. EDIT: Wow! Thanks everyone for all the love (and for even some of the hate)! I think I have officially peaked in life. As for Part II of the story, there's a reason -- or, technically, 3 delicious reasons -- why it was cut short. At that point, my wife's singular focus was on getting me out of the restaurant before I either puked all over the table or pissed myself (or an unsightly combination of both). So after a few spastic, two-handed waves "good-bye" to my in-laws, she rushed me to the door like a Secret Service agent evacuating the president. My night after that was a whirlwind of barfing and groveling, mixed with a few vain attempts at "getting handsie" back in the hotel room. But being the absolute awesome sweetie that she is, my wife stuck with me through the whole nightmare, whispering over and over in my ear: "Please don't die, we have a mortgage."

Reading stories of people fucked up more than they can handle is my favourite.

So, didn't happen today, but last weekend. Finally getting around to really processing it all and I guess trying to deal with it. Went out for drinks with my girlfriend and met up with my younger cousin at the bar. We'd all hung out once before and had a great time. My cousin invited a couple of her friends to the bar too; we did some barhopping. I got shitfaced pretty unintentionally (The last bar was, I swear, not putting any mixers in my cocktails, they were straight alcohol). So anyway we're about to leave and my cousin's friends are trying to get her home, because she's shitfaced too. Well, my gf was our DD so we offered to let her stay in our spare room. Everyone was cool with that because who's safer than family, right? Wrong. We get home and (I had to piece together some of this later because I blacked out for most of it) apparently initially everything was cool. My cousin went to the spare room and my gf got her situated. The problems started a little later when I, in my infinite wisdom, decided to walk straight out of my bedroom with my girlfriend in it, and into my cousin's room. I don't particularly remember much except for two details which I guess are not important to the story. Well, okay so one might be. I remember her giving me a *very* enthusiastic BJ, which, as you can imagine, makes a lot of noise. Apparently after a while my gf came out of the room wondering where I was because I just fucking disappeared. She didn't barge into the room or anything, but she heard the noises which is pretty fucking obvious. So at that point, she left. Like, me. She left me, and I don't blame her. Anyway that means I wake up the next morning, having blacked out, oblivious that my gf was gone already, but I'm fucking naked next to my naked cousin. There's cum all over the bed where her face was, she didn't even sleep with a pillow. There's obviously no hiding this but I'm still half-drunk and I went to try to go sneak back into my room, which I found empty. So yeah. I haven't heard from my gf all week, and I'm sure we're done, and I don't blame her. All I can hope for now is that this shit doesn't get out to my family, because I would probably implode. No, my cousin and I are not going to start hooking up regularly. It's actually super awkward and she has hardly said a word to me either. Again, I don't blame her. TL;DR drunkenly slept with my cousin, ruined my relationship, family might hear about it, I'm an idiot.

Usually in TIFU stories there is some shred of a defence explaining away what happened, but not this time.

My son was not doing his homework so I confiscated his GBA. I told him he would get it back next week. Well he’s a pretty clever dude and knew all my hiding places, so I put it someplace he would never look. Except I suffered a TBI a few years earlier and I forget stuff. So when he did his homework and asked for it back after a week, I ... could not find it. Aargh. I looked everywhere. Narrator: Obviously not everywhere... Then we moved house. And I still didn’t find it. Spongebob: 18 YEARS LATER... I was donating some coats I had not worn in a long time. And in the pocket of a Viennese trench coat from the 1930’s, I found... his Gameboy Advance. And turned it on. And it WORKED. Pokémon appeared. I put fresh batteries into it and handed it to my 28 year old son. Who proceeded to laugh for a good five minutes. Then played it for a few hours. Then proceeded to tell my wife and other adult children how silly I was. TL/DR: Hid kid’s Gameboy, forgot where. Found it almost 20 years later. Family has further proof that I’m an idiot.

I can't believe the GBA is 18+ years old.

Obligatory this actually happened a little over a year ago, and throwaway because I don't want people on my main account to know what I do for a living. So, I work for the TSA, and have for a few years now. It's a good job overall. I'm underpaid, but the benefits are nice, and I get overtime when I want it. A little over a year ago, during the week leading up to Christmas, we had some really bad weather that delayed all the flights. I volunteered to stay late so that my coworkers could go home to their families. Most of the work was done anyway, so it was mostly just standing around waiting for the odd latecomer I was working the AIT (the space tube thingy), when three passengers came up together, a middle-aged man, a middle-aged woman, and a teenage boy. I figure it's a family traveling together for the holidays, and go about my work. Mom goes through, all is fine. Dad goes through, all is fine. Kid comes up, I get a good look at him. Hoodie, sweatpants, shortish hair, smooth face. I figure he's about 13, maybe 14. I hit the button, direct him to wait with me for a moment, and then gesture to the screen, which lit up on his chest area. I tell him that I have to pat that area down. He's a little nervous, I figure that because he's so young, this is probably his first time getting a pat down, but he says okay, and I start the patdown. I do the left side of the chest, and feel some moob, which catches me off guard because he didn't look chubby at all. I move to the right side of the chest, read what's on the hoodie, and it all clicks at once. The hoodie has the name of the local college on it. This is an adult, not a child. He's not wearing sweatpants, \*she\* is wearing yoga pants. She doesn't even know the couple that just came through. I look at her face, which is bright red, my hand is still on her boob, and I pull it back like I just got bit by a snake. I immediately call for my supervisor, who comes over and asks what's wrong, and I explain the situation to her. My supervisor covers her mouth, and at first I thought she was absolutely mortified, but then I realized she's trying not to laugh. She takes a minute to pull herself together, tells me to go take a break, and finishes screening the passenger herself. Once that was done, I apologize to the passenger, she tells me it's fine, that it wasn't the first time she was mistaken for a boy, and she probably should have said something before I started touching her. I leave her alone, and go talk to my supervisor to figure out exactly how fired I am. She tells me to calm down, that it was just an honest mistake, and that she has my back if the passenger files an official complaint, but that probably won't happen, and I shouldn't be worried. That reassured me a little, but I still groped a woman and ruined Christmas, so I feel like an absolute monster. I swallow my shame, and finish my shift, then I go into the airport proper to find some food, because I just finished a twelve hour shift and there's no way I have the energy to cook dinner. I saw my hapless victim sitting at her gate, waiting for her flight. I went up to her to apologize again, and saw that the flight had been delayed until morning (it was about eleven at night). I apologize again, she says it's fine, and I ask her if she's planning to stay the whole night. She says she has to, all the hotels in the area are book. I tell her that I'm getting some dinner, and offer to get her some food as well. After all, I already got to second base, I think it's only fair that I buy her dinner. She agrees, and we go to one of the restaurants that is open late, get some food, and start eating. She said she gets mistaken for a boy a lot, and it's not a big deal. I told her about how I had long hair and no beard in college, and at the gym people would frequently walk into the men's bathroom, see me, and do a double take to make sure they didn't walk into the ladies' room. She laughed, and we ended up talking for a few hours, before I finally told her that I had to get home, and apologized again for the accidental molestation. She said that all is forgiven, if I promise to take her on a real date when she gets back. I agreed, she gave me her phone number, and I went home, and immediately started texting her. We kept talking until her flight finally left, and when she got back I picked her up at the airport, and a few days later took her on that date that I promised her. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. She has long hair now. &#x200B; tl;dr: Thought an adult woman was a teenage boy, touched her on the boob, everything worked out better than expected.

I've been inappropriately touched on my butt by, like, three different TSA guys on three separate trips through Denver, and not *once* has any of them offered to buy me dinner. Gotta be honest, I feel a little left out.

I can never go back to my new dentist after two visits because I'm an idiot. My dentist is a very nice and professional man. Our first appointment was going pretty smoothly until he made some innocuous remark about us "being strangers." My immediate reply was "oh, you're not a stranger! You've been inside of my mouth for 20 minutes!" I did NOT intend to make a sexual joke. His face turned red and he was clearly embarrassed but he continued on like a true professional and we were probably both relieved when the appointment was over. I had my second dentist appointment today. I actually mentally prepared myself to be a model patient who didn't say anything weird, thank you very much. He had been working in my mouth for about 5 minutes when he started to seem really uncomfortable or something. His face was red and he was breathing a little heavier. I was a bit concerned and also confused. Like how could I have embarrassed him this time? I had hardly spoken! So he keeps working in there and then I realize what the hell is happening. My dentist was wearing grape flavored gloves. I had been absentmindedly licking his fingers the whole time. Never going back. TL;DR Today I fucked up by licking my dentist

> Never going back. No, keep going.

I’m couch-surfing with my sister and her BF; I work for him at the lake-side bar, trying to pay for college. My state is “open” and while I’m not thrilled, I need both the job and my scored sofa accommodations to make it work. To give them their space, and myself a break from the doomscrolling, I take a run by the lake in the mornings. This lake is bombass and draws scuba divers to the flooded town at the bottom. Today, I was in my own head running when a dark mass floated to the surface 40 feet away. I was on the craggy side of the lake and this dude looked dead. D.E.A.D. Facing away from me, his head was tipped back, eyes closed, bobbing like a fishing lure. No one else was around, so I thought he was quantum crazy out here scuba diving alone at the crackass of dawn, giving himself the bends or some nonsense. Like a jackass, I didn’t yell at him to check-in. Instead, I toed off my shoes and stripped to my skivvies to save the imbecile. The movie trailer in my head had me taking three glorious steps and launching into the deep blue water, black widow style. Instead, my tender feet hit the sharp rocks and I contorted under the pain like a slinky as I uncoordinatedly pitched myself into the water, doing a side-flop. I was also wearing my contacts so I swam hard in his direction with my eyes closed. When I open them, he was dead-ass staring at me like I’d lost my ever-lovin’ mind, so I blurted, “Are you okay?” He removed the regulator and incredulously said “yes”. My brain blue-screened while I tread water. The lake felt infinitely deep. Before I could terrify myself by hearing the jaws theme song, I turned to nope the hell out of there, yelling over my shoulder, “I thought you needed saving” to explain my idiocy. As I pivoted, another dude cleared his throat from 30 feet away on the other side. I never heard a sound from him so I freaked out, failing and belting an ear wounding scream at him. Both asshats laughed as a few more heads surfaced around us. I was surrounded by divers all wildly entertained by my ridiculous high-octane FU. After pointing to me and the beach, the merman that was my original target cautiously swam toward me after I nodded and “escorted” me to the shore. The beach was much further than I had anticipated, so I was trying to low-key breath, hiding my need to suck all of the O2 from the air. Also, the comedy of the situation consumed me and I started to giggle. Finally, I joked, “Dude, you are lucky you weren’t actually dying because It would have taken everything I have to drag your sorry ass this far.” He chuckled before offering me a “tow.” “Hell, no! Not gonna happen.” Even if I had to dog paddle, I wouldn’t openly accept that defeat. He quietly mocked me the rest of the way to the shore. I’m a secret sap for it. They were cadets or recent graduates from a military college, here for the summer. They’ve been training in pools and were doing some “open water” exercises; they had been out there at least part of the night. I’m sure I blew-up whatever drill they were running. He’s training for pre-dive school (?) and since I am an expert googler, I’m guessing that means combat diving. At the shore, I did my best to throw my shoulders back and march out of the water in my sports bra and undies in front of what I can only imagine are some pretty badass men. I did invite him and his clandestine crew for an absurdly overpriced beer at the bar tonight before shame-jogging back into the woods for my clothes. TL;DR I tried to save an injured diver-ended up crashing some kind of military training. EDIT: It's Lake Jocassee in SC. Also, the mereman cheated: he was wearing a floaty vest and fins, that bastard. Ok, I’ll admit there is a part of me that is attracted to his mysterious appearance from the shadow realm, and I’m definitely imaging that he’s constructed from some kind of aluminum steel alloy, but he was also funny and kind. I was vibing his proclivity for witty and sarcastic comments and have a million questions I want to ask him. Ha EDIT2: Okay, at work now and had to turn off the notifications because you snippers are blowing me up. To all the ladies giving advice earlier...yes, I left the dragon-flies at home and went full cute sundress and Jesus sandals. Tried to wear my hair straight, but it's hot as hate out here and it'll be beach wave sweaty before long. My sister's BF has blabbed the whole thing and all of the staff is in full-on ribbing mode. Kinda great actually. They are currently reading the Reddit post so they are cackling at you people too. So, even if he doesn't show, we're gonna have a great night. We have a long way to go since it's just the dinner crowd, but thanks for making my day great people. EDIT3: Solid dinner crowd, but no mereman, or frog prince as you people have started to call him. Our lakeside drinking crew will start rolling in another 1-2 hours. I thought you salty bastards of TIFU would chew me up and spit me out, but look at you all showing up in the name of love! You guys are awesome, even if I get ditched it was worth the day with you. EDIT4: 1 hor later. Still no show :( EDIT5: HE SHOWED! Holy shit, a little bit ago. Yes, I was as dorky as you would have imagined and now I’m typing this from the bathroom like a dumbass again, but I feel like you people are on the ride with me. He’s handsome and funny and he smells great. Yes, I hugged him. I’m southern…its what we do…not the smelling, the hugging. He’s nice, and smart and keeps defending me from my jackass friends at the bar, who have almost called him merman to his face. I think he low-key likes that everyone knew who he was, but not sure how he’ll feel about being a Reddit celebrity. I’ve learned a lot about him, but it wouldn’t be fair to share without his permission. His whole crew did not come, only one and his bud immediately started flirting with my co-worker. That’s a good sign. I think. Holy, shit you’d think I’d never met up with a guy before. Also, my friend straight up asked him if he saw my “dragonfly undies that look like penises with MASSIVE, glow-in-the-dark turquoise blue balls” only she used the Reddit version (thanks for that nickname Reddit). He didn’t answer but smirked the truth to me after she left. It was cheeky but cute. He’s also been sharing some of the shit that he's been taking today from being “saved”. He has the same self-deprecating sense of humor as me. I think we are vibing. So, that’s all the updates for tonight. He’s getting the rest of my attention. Keep sending me those good vibes and peace people. EDIT6: Last and final update because you guys are not letting up. I know this may seem weird since I posted this whole situation out into cyberspace for everyone to see, but yesterday it was just a comical story about a guy I didn't think I would ever see again. Something funny to share when we all need a giggle. Today...well...it feels different to talk about him now that we've spent some time together. I like him. There’s chemistry and similar interest and we have plans to see each other again. I don’t need the pressure of Reddit to help me screw things up. You guys know I’m a bit of an expert in that regard. That’s all, so go do something you love and find a way to at least balance the doomscrolling with some belly laughs. Sending much love to each of you. EDIT7: “Updates!” You people keep screaming over 3 weeks later. Don’t you have better things to do than pester me about my love life? Ha. The merman, the frog prince, the dashing man from depths, the king of the shadow realm (and the many other nicknames that Reddit has bestowed) is still very much in my life. He’s better than I can describe with my mortal words. Fangirl him if you must because I will understand. Thank you all for the well-wishes and positivity that this post has given. I hope something amazing and magical happens to each of you, and if it happens to be shamefully funny, I hope you will share because we all need as many laughs as we can get. Be safe, everyone.

I feel like there are probably easier ways to get a guy. A+ for effort.

This literally just happened. I was discussing this subreddit with a guy (we’ll call him M) I’m flirting with... and we come across the hot sauce story, felt like it sounded like our mutual friend (he can be called B) So I take a screenshot and go to send it on FB messenger to send to B.... muscle memory kicks in and I send the photo so quick my camera roll hadn’t updated... I accidentally sent a nude I’d taken half hour earlier. This wouldn’t be an issue usually... but this guy is like a brother figure. He’s not answering his phone so I’ve just spammed the fuck out of the conversation to stop it popping up. All the while I’m on the phone to M, the initial intended recipient....who is also in a band with B. For anyone curious here’s me [trying to claw it back](https://imgur.com/gallery/888ILDh) TLDR; tried to send a screenshot to a friend. Sent my tits instead. Ughhhhhhhhhhh Update: if this gets 666 upvotes I’ll post the photo. Edit: hi Dan. I know you’re lurking ahahahhaha Update: I love you all. You’ve cured my depression. Let me be your [big tiddy goth gf](https://imgur.com/a/WqWZqtc) Edit: Oh my god gold!!!!! *I NOW KNOW FB MESSENGER HAS A DELETE FUNCTION* thanks, I hate it.

"ITS MY TITS. DON'T LOOK." Let me know how that works out for you. LOL

This happened to me yesterday and I'm still baffled. It all started when I posted a comparison picture of a dog which looks like the actor William H. Macy. I couldn't stop laughin over it but I never thought it would gain so much attention. However it ended up on the front page with much more upvotes I could have imagined. This alone was crazy for me because I never expected to have a submission on the front page. When I checked my phone the next morning my reddit inbox exploded over the sheer amount of youtube links I received. I checked them and found my submission on the latest Jimmy Kimmel Show with Reddit Co-Founder Alexis Ohanian. I was mind blown over this. They proceeded talking over reddit users and Jimmy ended up checking my history. Well I hardly ever post filthy stuff but I commented on a NSFW TIFU a few days ago and I think Jimmy thought it was my submission at the short glance he took. Keep in mind they even named and showed my username - he made it look like there was a lot of filthy stuff going on in my history so this was quite embarrassing for me and Im getting a lot of crazy messages now. I don't know if this perfectly qualifies for a TIFU but on the one hand it felt like one, when he revealed my history with 'filthy stuff' as he said. On the other hand it's just cool and a story to tell. However I regret nothing! tl;dr: Jimmy Kimmel had Reddit Co-Founder Alexis Ohanian as a guest. They ended up browsing my reddit history and Jimmy made it look like there's filthy stuff going on. Link to the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vzkw2zD7gE&t=9s (starts at 2:10) OH and thanks for the gold! Things are going so fast here I didnt even see it until now. Thank you unknown and kind strangers!

the sheer look of terror the Reddit co-founder puts on when jimmy starts clicking your username to view your post history as he knows what could end up on live tv. *nervous sweating*

My buddy and I ordered a pizza last night. Unaware that I already paid with my debit card, I walk to my door with $30 and gave him a 20% tip on top of that which had been paid online. The driver was about in his mid 30's, barely spoke English and he was driving a beat up car. He said "thank you!" very enthusiastically which made me realize in about 2 seconds that I just gave him double the money for the order, which he would obviously receive as a tip. I was about to admit my mistake and ask for the money back... before I saw his reaction while he was walking to his car. He had a smile from ear to ear like he found the cure for Covid or struck gold or something. He even did this little mini jump before he hopped into his car. I'm not exactly Bill Gates, I still have debts to pay, but I'm glad I fucked up to help someone who needed the money more than I did. Anyways, I felt pretty dumb after, but the joy I saw in that man made my week. Not a very interesting story, but it was pretty cool for me, as my Dad moved to Canada from across the world with only a bike and a few hundred bucks. TL;DR Paid double for a pizza by being drunk. No regrets. Ok... little to no regrets.

As a former pizza delivery driver, I remember every one of you guys who tipped way beyond your means due to alcohol. I carry the stories and my gratitude is immeasurable.

So I (39F) have a son (15M) and he brought a friend round today. They immediately went to their room and I assumed they would just play some video games or whatever so I was totally fine leaving them. It was about 30 minutes in when I was walking past, I heard sounds such as 'Omg that's so good' and 'Its so good with that in it' and various 'mmmm' sounds. It really sounded like they were having gay sex, I was super weirded out by it so I quickly went downstairs and waited for his friend to leave. When this friend left an hour or two later I asked my son what they were doing in his room (because although I don't mind him being gay, and ik it's normal for teenagers to have sex, a condom really should be used) so I planned to confront him about that. However the answer shocked me to my very core. They weren't having sex, they were _eating hummus_. I was shocked, and initially didn't believe it. We had never had hummus before and I asked him to show me the hummus if this was true. So he did, and I ate hummus for the first time, and oh my god was it good. We experimented with different things in it like bread and carrots and it was great. Apparently his friend had heard about how he had never had hummus before and thought this was absurd so had planned a date for a hummus party. So yeah, it ended up being quite a good ending, i discovered how nice hummus was. TLDR: Thought my son was having gay sex, he just really liked hummus.

Oh I see you got hit by the emergency hummus. I always kept open hummus inside my closet for when I was having sex with my friends. You never know when you may get caught!

I think I have wasted my whole life to be honest. I am Joe, I have been a lurking for a while. I created this account to get my story across, I have no idea what I am planning to achieve by doing so, but I hope it can help those who are at crossroads and are stuck between passion and safety. For the past 15 years of life, I have been a dentist, a path that I chose after leaving a job to study further in the hopes I will make more money. I do not even know why I cared about money when I did not even spend any of it. I met my wife before I started school, when I was 20, when I was a risktaker, a dreamer and wanted to change the world. Now I’m in a place where I have chronic pain, a cheating wife, kids who don’t love me, a life of staring into mouths all day, a dull brain, no more passions and hopes, no real purpose in life. I wanted to work as a social worker or an educator, but my parents and wife thought that I could help people in other ways that pay well. They convinced me to take dentistry and I did. I hated every minute of school, I did not want to be in a place where my back would ache, neck would ache and it was not solving the real cause of the problem, but just the result of what happens after people let go of their teeth. All my friends convinced me that it will be rewarding, and I will make a lot of money when I am out of school and I let them. When I was a young man, I wanted to do so many things, I used to play music, I wanted to become a musician, I wanted to be a teacher raising future people who could change the world. I loved physics and mathematics, but my parents told me to follow money instead of passions. Today I have 2 kids, a wife and they all expect me to provide them with a luxurious lifestyle. I have never cared for money, the most enjoyable time in my life was when I was sleeping on a futon in a rental running a small business selling jars of jam made with strawberries from a local farm and also working as a tutor for a bunch of spoilt kids. I had very little, but I was happy, I feel like I should have become an educator/business owner instead of taking a career I hate. From the past 15 years, I have developed chronic pain from doing dentistry, gained at least 20 kilos, made a million dollars but for what? I can’t even do anything because of chronic back pain. After becoming a dentist, I worked 9-4, 5 days a week, I would come back home exhausted, plan my next day, manage the business side of things, have dinner with my kids and wife, sleep and repeat. Have a few weeks here and there as holidays where I would take my family away for a vacation. My kids don’t even talk to me anymore, my wife and I have not had sex for months and I’m 100% that she’s cheating on me with a better-looking man who is older than me, I have seen her phone and confirmed this, but I will not bring it up because I don’t have anyone except her left in my life, she has been my only support throughout this and if she leave, I have nothing left. My kids will probably be split and hate their dad because their mom has raised them, my life feels like a joke. I remember when I was in my 20s, I used to be popular with the girls, I had countless opportunities to go out with girls I found more attractive than my wife but I didn’t because I cared for her. In hindsight, I should have just done what I wanted to. Maybe my wife would still be attracted to me, I would be healthier and fitter. If I had my life all over again, I would not settle down so early, I would date more and find more interesting friends, I would never choose to be a dentist! I should have stuck to my passion for business/physics/teaching/music etc. Even though I would have been broke, I think I would not have cared, I would wake up everyday working towards a better future, work harder because I am not handed money on a silver platter, the list can go on. I feel that it's too late to go back to pursue my passions now, my kids have expectations, my wife has expectations, society thinks that I am useful and important. Sorry if this is a long read, but I just had to say it. I truly have made a joke out of the one life I was given by choosing money, stability, safety, other people’s opinions over my real passions. To all the people stuck between money/stability/safety and passions, just chase your passions because the safe path does not guarantee that you’ll live a life that was worth living. TL:DR – I ruined my life by continuing to do what I hated – dentistry. It has ruined my marriage, health, family, my passions, my mind. Do what you are passionate about, f\*\*\* societal expectations. &#x200B; EDIT: I was not expecting this post to get so much attention as it has, I just posted it as a whim to tell atleast someone about it. I was very emotional at the time and did not proof read anything that I typed. Honestly reading your thoughts, encouragement and most importantly your own personal stories, I feel like I'm gaining a new perspective at life and how I can change it, for the first time in a very long time, I feel that maybe this is not the end. I don't have to die a slave to a system that does not support my life or adds any value to my life. I will put down answers to recurring questions below as they come up and keep you guys updated on what I will do with my life in this post. Thank you reddit for giving me hope.

If it is any consolation, I did the opposite - followed my passion of writing, became somewhat successful journalist and editor, and after 20 years ended up HATING writing, so I dropped everything, moved to another city and began a new life at the age of 40. It wasn't a bad move and I don't regret it, but now I'm grinding 9-5 at a dull job for little money and with no real passion left for anything, afraid of getting old and poor and dying soon (I'm nearly 50 now). Midlife crisis is a bitch.

Obligatory this happened several months ago, tl;dr at bottom. My son has autism (level 1, previously called aspergers) and due to that he also has a psychiatrist, multiple psychologists and doctors. We decided to get a new primary doctor who works closely with his other providers to better coordinate his care this past summer. I brought my son in for a standard "well child" visit, and spent nearly an hour with this new doctor going over his issues, and medications, history etc. Toward the end of the visit she says to me, "Well, he can get the gardasil vaccine today," to which I reply, "Oh, no he can't have that, I don't want him to get autism." I should maybe note here that I am an aspie too, and while I think my sarcasm is on point, I must have been a little too serious looking because she just stared at me. The silence lasted an eternity while I imagine she was deciding how to proceed. Eventually I laughed and tried to assure her I was only kidding, but she only returned a nervous sounding chuckle and left the room. As my son and I were discussing whether I was offensive (he thought I was hilarious) in walked the nurse with a stack of information about vaccines. He started his lecture about vaccine safety and potential risks, etc. and no amount of my assurances that we are not in fact anti-vax would stop him. He just kept saying, "Okay, well I have to tell you this," in a way that suggested that the doctor told him to give me the full spiel. Tl;dr: Jokingly told my son's new doctor that I didn't want him to get *more* autism, got a 15 minute lecture on vaccine safety for my already fully vaccinated kid. Edit: Of course we took the gardasil. Shout out to nurse Pete for being the first nurse to ever give my kid a vaccine without him crying or fist-fighting everyone. I wish everyone could have a nurse Pete. Also, since I'm editing, thanks for the awards!

This isn't your average everyday autism. This is... Advanced autism.

So, three months ago or whenever it was that the Quarantine started I started an online course for a few subjects. To provide some background, these aren’t my school classes or anything and I’ve never met these people before. There are maybe ten other kids in class and the teacher is actually pretty great. So the first two days go pretty well but on the third day I fuck up big time. We were in between a Physics class that had already been going on for an hour and I’d completely gotten distracted half way through. I have an incredibly low attention span and this was already too much for me. When the teacher called my name to answer his question, I had no idea what he’d been talking about so I tried to google it. However I have shitty internet so it took like really long to load and the teacher was getting pissed as to why I wasn’t responding and why I was typing. So, completely freaking out I decided to text him on the Google Meet chat and make an excuse that my laptop’s audio AND microphone are not working today and I’ve been reading the subtitles which take quite some time to load so I hadn’t quite gotten his question. In my immense panic I phrased this somewhat vaguely and said - *I can’t actually hear I’ve been reading the subtitles they take quite some time to load* To which the instructor said - *Oh! I’m so sorry. I wasn’t aware that you are deaf* In my intense panic and anxiety I just went along with it. Dumb as fuck. It actually worked out fine, I’d type out all the answers sent to me and even bought a hearing aid that I sometimes wore in class. Now I say *sometimes* because I don’t actually have the focus and commitment to remember to put it on every class. When asked about it I told the people in class that even with the hearing aid I can’t hear much so I don’t usually bother wearing it. They bought it. Everyone in class likes me a lot now too and they find me very endearing. There’s a girl, Carla who says I have the most beautiful smile she’s ever seen. So this was actually going really well for me. But like most of my antics, this backfired on me big time. When I made this godforsaken decision all that time ago I was sure I’d get away with it. We were never going to meet irl. However, about a week ago the instructor decided to meet irl as the lockdown in my country has been lifted. I spent all night watching videos of deaf people and trying to figure out how to behave. I decided to pretend to also be completely dumb so I wouldn’t have to try to speak like them. It seemed very hard and I didn’t want to try. So anyway we meet up and everything goes well. No one uncovers my secret or anything. I spend the entire irl meet with Carla who is completely fucking stunning in real life. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s kind. We keep handing each other notes on tissue papers and it’s the cutest shit ever. I haven’t ever been this attracted to anyone in my entire life. Toward the end of the meet however, Carla hands me a tissue paper with one little heartbreaking sentence on it. *Will you date me?* Fuck. Panicking, I tell her I need some time to think and she’s chill with it. I’m supposed to be meeting up with her tomorrow. I can’t pretend to be deaf and dumb while dating her it’s fucking impossible but if I have to keep this charade up I’ll have to let her go and I don’t want to do that either. There’s also the other option where I tell her it was all an act. Best case scenario is the extreme embarrassment + amazing girlfriend and the worst case scenario is she thinks I’m an asshole and I lose her anyway. tl;dr - I pretended to be deaf because I wasn’t paying attention in class and now I might be missing out an amazing girlfriend. Edit - She just texted me what time to pick her up. The date is actually TONIGHT not tomorrow so I have way lesser time to make this decision than I expected. Haha, I’m like a disaster that keeps on happening. Anyways, you should have an update in about 6-7 hours which is when I’ll meet her. UPDATE - So this is the update y’all have been waiting for, I just got back from the date with Carla. So basically I prepared really hard for the date, googled what the appropriate flowers for apologizing for your lies are and got her White Orchids. I then put on my best clothes and set out. She’d come to the date with a cute little notepad and two pencils for us to write notes in which melted me instantly but I was so anxious and nervous that at first I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. But as we sat waiting for our order to arrive, I kinda snapped cause of guilt and scribbled down into the notebook. *Hey, there’s not easy way to break this but I’m not actually deaf . . . . . Or dumb* To which she replied with, *I know you’re not deaf but you ARE pretty dumb :)* At which point I said *What the fuck* out loud. She then laughed and explained that she’d thought I was so cute that she’d googled me long ago and found my Instagram which has highlighted stories from concerts where I’m screaming and vibing. So she only asked me out to figure out for how long I’d keep it going. So she was actually playing me the whole time. I was feeling pretty bummed that she only wanted to date me for that but nevertheless I apologized profusely and showed her the Reddit post to explain myself. Best.move.ever. (Thank you so much everyone in the comments who asked me to do this) She found the post funny and cute and ‘adorkable’. I told her I totally understand if she wants to end the date now but she didn’t! We had a great time and aren’t officially dating or anything but we did set a second date for next Wednesday. She also told me that while she understands why I did what I did and that anxiety, especially social anxiety is so hard to deal with but she also believes that I was a little offensive especially with the hearing aid. She explained to me why that was so insensitive and I’d like to apologize for anyone I might have offended on here, it really wasn’t my intention! Also, for our second date we’re planning to volunteer at a centre for deaf kids so I can redeem myself. Thank you fucking Reddit, y’all might’ve just got me a girlfriend!

Show her this post. It explains everything. Let her read it and watch her face. If she’s really cool she might think it’s hilarious and you’ll be telling your grandkids the idiot move that led you to their grandmother. Btw: I’m rooting for it working out and someone basing a heartfelt rom-com on your story someday. Edit: thank you for my first Reddit awards and OP please update us on the outcome😊 Edit 2: @ OP- so stoked for you! I feel a little bit weirdly responsible for being the first to tell you to show her the post and that makes me so happy inside! Glad that you came clean, that it worked out and that you get to volunteer and grow personally through this experience to boot! What a fantastic story! Please someone make a rom-com from this!

Today I had been looking forward to the qualifying for the Formula 1 this weekend, and was browsing Reddit whilst also watching some older Formula 1 footage on YouTube. So it got me wondering, “Some of these races used to really get me super excited for them, now they’re just boring and far too controlled”. So I posed the question to /r/Formula1 to ask their opinions also. Shortly after posting, it transpired that the way I had asked the question could be perceived as...A little...’Hitlerish’. Check out the link below ~~smash that subscri~~. It somehow grabbed the attention of many people, and managed to get to #1 of /r/all and now my inbox is broken. Unfortunately for me, I am very anally retentive with things such as e-mails, texts, etc. that I must open every single one. It would actually play on my mind so badly that I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t open them, so I must open and read EVERY GODDAMN COMMENT. Probably the worst thing to have to feel the need to do if you plan on making it to the front page. I thought it was slowing down, because it got to a point where I was reading messages faster than they were coming, and the number of notifications was going down. But then, ~~everything changed when the fire nat~~ USA woke up. And I’ve been playing catch-up ever since. Took an opportunity to make this post since the message count was less than 100. Let’s see what I go back to now... Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/formula1/comments/bnaceq/if_you_could_eliminate_a_race_within_the_year/ EDIT: Thank you for the gildings you’re all giving me, it’s rather overwhelming. The original post has now made it to be #1 post of all time in /r/Formula1 somehow. As of 19:42PM GMT, I still have over 600 responses to read through. I will be reading them all, but I won’t necessarily be responding to them all. I’m really glad that I could make a lot of you smile and laugh today, that wasn’t the original intention, but it’s a great positive to take away from this experience! EDIT 2: UPDATE - At around 20:20PM GMT, I opened up AlienBlue on my iPad to read these comments faster than on the official Reddit app, and when I started from there I had 934 unread messages. 20 minutes later, reading the messages and making some replies, I now have 976 unread messages -.- EDIT 3: UPDATE - It’s now 21:09PM GMT, I did have my inbox down to about 900 at one point, but now it’s back up in the 4 digits. I am seriously sleep deprived right now, I have been awake since 16:00PM yesterday, being unable to sleep due to coughing fits. Finally they’ve subsided and I’m feeling really tired now, so I shall pick up reading and responding tomorrow. Goodnight to you all, very bizarre experience today. I honestly didn’t think this TIFU post would blow up like my first post, but it seems to have done so much faster and on a much larger scale. EDIT 4: Finally I’m able to read the comments and messages faster than they are coming in. Back down under 1000 left to go now, and it’s been a truly interesting experience. I didn’t realise how quickly and openly people would comment something racist, I also didn’t expect some of the truly deplorable messages I have received, but thankfully they have been in the minority. It’s 6:00AM GMT here so time to soldier on until the end of the inbox! EDIT 5: Final edit, I’m now up to date with all my inbox now, 10:17AM. It’s been great to see this happen, and I’m sorry to those who thought Reddit was accepting casual racism for a brief moment TL;DR - Made a post asking a question, worded it wrong and now everyone thinks I’m a racist bastard.

>It would actually play on my mind so badly that I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t open them, so I must open and read EVERY GODDAMN COMMENT. It would be a shame if this post were to reach the front page too. ;)

**UPDATES BELOW** Throwaway account, this literally happened like an hour ago. So I (M25) have been involved with an older woman (F44) lately. It started a few months ago with the onset of Coronavirus, I was on Tinder trying to find someone to hook up with during quarantine so as to stay safe and also kill some time. I saw this very attractive older woman and decided to swipe right because you know, it’s every 20-something year olds dream to hook up with a Milf. A few days go by and I get a notification that I have a new match. Wahoo! I open up the app and lo and behold it’s the fine ass cougar I was hoping for. We start chatting and flirting, it’s going really well. Out of nowhere she messages me and says “I’m not sure how this app works, do we just meet to have sex or do we go on a date first?” I was drinking coffee at the time and promptly shot it out both nostrils. My chance had come. I replied back that people generally just meet up to go to the Bone Zone together but I’m easy either way. She replies “well good because I hate formalities” I nearly shit my pants in excitement. She sends me her address and tells me she’s free on Friday and to bring wine. The rest of that whole week was a complete blur of anxiety. I could not fuck this up. So Friday comes, I show up with wine, she looks fucking smoking hot. Better in person. We talk about music and travelling and all that, not many personal details (which would come back to haunt me) just sort of arts & culture talk. A few glasses of wine later and were full blown going at it like rabbits on the middle of her living room floor. I left a little while later feeling like I’m the king of the entire universe and go to sleep. The next day she texts me saying how she had a great time, and it made her feel young again and blah blah blah. She says she’s off every Friday and Saturday and that next week we should do the same. This has been going on for roughly 3 months, we meet up once or twice a week, fuck like animals, and then go on our merry way until one of us gets horny again. Sweet deal right? Wrong. I messaged her yesterday saying that I had today off of work and asked if she wanted to meet up, she said her son was taking her out to lunch, and that I could come over at 3pm. She had mentioned she had a son before but didn’t go any further and I didn’t really care to ask. So 3pm comes and I’m almost at her house when she messages me that she’s running late; no problem. I park on the road and sort of just wait in my car because her car wasn’t in the driveway yet. I’m sitting there listening to the radio when an oddly familiar SUV pulls into the drive. I sorta looked at it funny and then I immediately realized where I knew it from. My coworker(M23) jumps out of the front seat, goes around to her side of the vehicle, gives her a kiss on the cheek and a hug and then jumps back in the car. My jaw was on the ground. He reversed out of the driveway and stupid me is sitting like a deer in the headlights in plain sight. He turns around and is literally 10 feet in front of my car and staring directly at me. My face goes bright red and I feel like I’m going to vomit. Me and this guy work together every single day and I consider him a friend of mine, I even trained him when he started at my company. And the kicker is I’ve been telling him (in detail) about this older lady and he’s been giving me immense kudos about it saying that it’s “his dream”. He pulls up beside me and looks very confused, asks me what I’m doing and how funny it was we ran into each other. I panic completely and stumble over my words and pretend like I’m on the wrong street and trying to find my cousins house. He looked skeptical but sort of shrugged it off. The whole time his mother is standing there watching us through the curtains. He directs me where to go and I pull off and then circle back once he’s gone. Needless to say I went inside and told her what was up, and we both sort of sat there in silence before I left. No boom boom today. I am now panicking, there’s no way he’s not going to know right? And he’s gonna realize all these wild escapades with this she devil night mistress I’ve been telling him about is actually his mom? Fuck. I already called in sick for work tomorrow because I cannot look him in the eye. Will update if anything happens. Pray for my soul Reddit. UPDATE: she just texted me and says that we should tell him and come clean because it’s the right thing to do. WHAT THE FUCK. How do I politely explain that I’ve told her son in detail about our escapades including the time I dripped candle wax on her butthole? (she a freak) UPDATE 2: she’s adamant about telling him, even after I informed her about the explicit details I’ve been sharing since we started doing this. What is wrong w this woman. I’m seriously debating quitting my job, I know her son well and he’s gonna want to fucking kill me. She keeps insisting that “he’s a grown up and he should realize that his mother is a person too with desires like any other person” THATS NOT THE POINTTTTTT. Fuck. I’m fucked bro’s. UPDATE 3: she said regardless of what I say she’s telling him tomorrow, because she can’t “live with the guilt and deceit” she won’t answer my calls at all. Not going over to her house because she’s out somewhere. I’m fucked, will update again. Let my tombstone read “died doing what he loved best”. UPDATE 4: Well gentleman, the cat is out of the bag. His mother pulled the trigger and came clean about it all. I don’t even know what to say. He called me saying it was super weird and he’s mindfucked but he’s not mad because he knows we had no idea. He asked if it was her I’d been talking about the whole time and I said yes, then he must’ve felt suicidal because he asked “....even all that crazy stuff?” RIP BRO. Needless to say I laughed and changed the subject, you’ve been through enough today my child. He also said he’s gonna look for a new job & already gave his two weeks notice because it’ll be weird working together. Damn. He genuinely just seems bummed as fuck. His mother is an idiot and I feel scummy as hell. He also said he put in a transfer so we won’t be working in the same building until he’s gone. Jeez. Going to see his Mom later and telling her we can’t do this anymore, she caused him to lose a job and a friend and a reason to go to therapy over something we could’ve likely played off. I think that’s the end of it though, didn’t expect this to blow up so big but thanks for all the awards and comments! At least someone gained something positive from this rollercoaster haha. Can’t believe I made my own son quit his job. Damn. Thanks Reddit! TLDR; banging hot older woman for a few months, go to meet with her. Coworker drops her off and I learn that she’s his mother. He sees me waiting and seems skeptical about my lie as to what I was doing. My world crushes. RIP Me. Edit; fix spelling / grammar

Just go into work on Friday. Put your hand on your coworkers shoulder, give him a pat, and say “It’s gonna be alright son.”

Obviously a throwaway. To put things into perspective, I (M 20) and my GF (F 21) had been dating/together for four and a bit years. Typical high school sweethearts, we wanted to move away and start our own lives after college. We decide to spice things up a bit and “open” up our relationship a little. It was pretty much a join decision but looking back she was kind of insistent on the whole “sex is fun” idea. She is on a night out with some friends when she phones me and asks if the whole open relationship thing is still cool, explaining she’s met a guy (M 24) and asks for me to pay for a hotel because she wasn’t working at the time. I agreed. I tell her to go for it, and she does. She texts me to say she had a good night and that all was well. The week after, she mentions she’s meeting up with this guy again. Wasn’t expecting it but I’m cool with it. Again, asks for me to pay for her hotel. A decision I would live to regret. She doesn’t text me the entire night. Weird, but okay maybe she’s just having a good time? The next day I receive a load of messages about how she needs a “break” from “everything” right now. Meeting this guy has apparently opened her eyes. A little more conversation and we’re over. She’s completely cut me out of her life. I check her snap chat story, and of course, she’s with him. I’ve heard from her friends that they’re dating now. TLDR; Agreed to an open relationship, basically paid for my girlfriend to find someone better and dump me.

"The worst trade deal in the history of trade deals"

Last night I finally managed to convince my fianceé to smoke weed with me. She's always been anti-420, but now that we're just a few weeks away from getting married and being all grown up and shit, she's gone full YOLO. Fast forward to me seeing my fianceé high for the first time. She became extremely relaxed and talkative. It was cute at first, listening to her go on and on about life and love. But then shit kind of got specific. She mentioned how she never expected to be with someone like me. I didn't even have to encourage her to explain because the floodgates were already wide open. All those details spilled out without any fucking filter. This is what I learned from my fianceé that I never knew before: 1. Most of her past relationships ended because she was notoriously promiscuous. 2. As per #1: one of those relationships came to an end after she cheated on her boyfriend by hooking up with his younger brother, while also cheating on the damn brother, with his best friend, who just so happened to be the same sex. 3. I'm the first guy she's had to do the "fake orgasm thing" with. Apparently all her exes pushed all the right buttons whereas I don't. 4. My asthma is a turn off when it comes to sex because she feels like she needs to hold back, so that I don't get too excited and die. 5. All her exes had horse dicks (of course they did!). I'm her first average. Those were some of the key points. I was too traumatised to register whatever else she said afterwards. I don't think I blinked for the rest of the evening. **TL:DR Convinced my fianceé to get high on relationship-destroying weed.** *Update: Even though I knew what my fianceé said would haunt me forever, I was willing to bury it in the back of my mind and pretend like last night never even happened. However, my fianceé wanted to talk. So we did. It was brutal. She said my mom was right about her being wrong for me. Long story short, all of this shit was building up to her admitting she'd been sending nudes to one of her horse dick exes. A fucking Chad. I'm emotionally destroyed. It doesn't feel real yet, so I have trouble accepting it's over. But it is. Guess I'm returning that ring and getting a PS5. Appreciate all the advice.*

I am very curious how this will turn out Edit: Well, I guess we have our answer now guys. The wedding is off and he's getting a PS5 (If he can find one by the end of this year). I commiserate with the OP.

Hello, Reddit, this is u/spez, your usually confident CEO. But today, I'm here in a different capacity, as a fellow Redditor who's made a big oopsie. So here it goes... TIFU by deciding to eliminate third-party apps, and as a result, unintentionally creating a crisis for our beloved platform. Like most TIFUs, it started with good intentions. I wanted to centralize user experience, enhance quality control, and create uniformity. I thought having everyone on the official app would simplify things and foster a better, more unified Reddit experience. But oh, how I was wrong. First, the backlash was instant and palpable. Users and moderators alike expressed concerns about the utility and convenience that these third-party apps offered. I heard stories of how some apps like RiF had become an integral part of their Reddit journey, especially for moderators who managed communities big and small. Then came the real shocker. In protest, moderators began to set their subreddits to private. Some of the largest, most active corners of Reddit suddenly went dark. The impact was more significant than I'd ever anticipated. Frustration mounted, and so did regret. This wasn't what I wanted. I never intended to disrupt the community spirit that defines Reddit or make the jobs of our volunteer moderators harder. Yet, here we are. I've made a monumental miscalculation in assessing how much these third-party apps meant to our community. I didn't realize the extent to which they were woven into the fabric of our daily Reddit operations, particularly for our moderators. In short, I messed up. I didn't fully understand the consequences of my decision, and now Reddit and its communities are bearing the brunt of it. So, here's my TIFU, Reddit. It's a big one, and I'm still grappling with the fallout. But if there's one thing I know about this platform, it's that we're a community. We're in this together, and we'll figure it out together. I'm listening. Let's talk. TL;DR - Tried to unify Reddit under the official app, phased out third-party apps, caused chaos, possibly destabilized the platform, and learned a lesson about the value of diverse user experiences. Edit: a word Note: this is a parody

What is really strange is that had this been real it may have actually worked.

My son was born with a condition called Pectus Excavatum. In layman’s terms, his chest is sunken in. His condition was so bad that he only had two and a half inches between his sternum and his spine and his heart and lungs were bruised because of it. In December, he had surgery to correct it and they put two nickel bars in his chest to give it space and train his bones to grow correctly. About three weeks after his surgery, a kid punched him and dislodged the top bar and he had to have another surgery to put the bar back in place. The kid has been through a lot. Well, the doctor cleared him for most activity last week, just no skateboarding or bike riding but he could now lift his backpack and go hang out with friends and play pick up, non contact sports. Unbeknownst to me, a kid in his class had been bullying him all semester. And because my son was afraid of getting hit again, he just took it. Well, the evening he was cleared he came to me and said, “Dad, I’m cleared now. A kid has been bullying me and hitting me for months. Can I kick his ass?” Well, my son isn’t really a fighter. He’s fought with his brothers but never anyone else, and he’s always gotten his ass kicked. So I just figured he was just talking. But this is the first I had heard about the bullying and I was concerned. I could tell he was distressed about the situation so I told him to knock the fucker out. He just nodded and went to his room. Now, his older brother is s tough SOB. He had a traumatic brain injury two years ago and he missed a year of school so he’s in the same grade and coincidentally takes the same class. I talked to him about it and told him to handle it but don’t get in trouble. He told me that the kid walks in every day and punches my son in the head. I asked him why he allowed that to happen and he said he wanted his brother to get tough and once he was tired of getting hit, he would do something about it. While I kinda agree with his thinking, I instructed him to handle it without getting in trouble. The next morning I took them both to school then drove back home to get my younger daughter who goes to a different school that starts later. On the way to take her to school, my wife calls me. “Have you taken xxxxx to school yet? Well, after you do, go pick up your son. He got in a fight.” I just assumed it was my oldest son. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the school office to see my younger son with a grin from ear to ear! He was beaming! He pointed to another kid sitting in a chair holding an ice pack on his face. “I warned him.” I was so proud. He had walked into class, sat down, and the kid popped him in the head like always. My older son got up to intervene and before he could, my son decked the kid with one punch. He said the kid was bawling on the floor and that it was the best day of his life. He got suspended for three days. TL;DR I gave my son permission to beat up his bully because I didn’t think he would and he did it. EDIT ONE: The kid who punched my son in the chest was one of his friends. It wasn’t malicious. Just two boys clowning around. He was horrified that he had hurt my son. The bully punched my son in the head every day. Once he found out my son couldn’t do anything about it, he just kept on. My son wasn’t the only one he bullied, either. Also, the bully’s brother came to my son later and told him that he had warned him once my son COULD fight, that he was going to get his ass kicked. EDIT TWO: My son has some social anxiety and since the fight he has made a LOT of new friends. He used to hate going to school but now he’s disappointed that school is out for summer. Crazy! EDIT THREE: Thanks for the precious metals! And holy shit! Front page?!?!

Nice zero tolerance. Kid hits your kid every day, no one does shit about it. The second he fights back, SUSPENDED. What a crock.

TLDR at the bottom- Well I recently started a new job about 5-6 months ago, doing some tech work (trying not to be too specific). With that being said I’m pretty young, 24, definitely the youngest that works there why far. I also mostly work with other men, 30-40. We have a GroupMe for the store I work at, which includes the owner, the manager and 5-6 other employees. The previous night I had been feeling a little frisky and desired to take some pictures/videos for the guy that I was with at the time. No biggie right? The next morning I had work, go in as normal, pretty busy day actually. Noon rolls around and I needed to post a picture to the groupme about a issue I was having with a computer I was working on. I typed what I needed to said clicked the camera roll icon and just as I clicked the picture, a customer came up and started asking me a question, I hit send without thinking and go on about my day. I should also probably say that by this time I was working alone and closing so no one else was around. The customer who came in kept me pretty busy for 30-45 mins, when they finally left I went to check my phone and saw I had a bunch of missed calls from my boss... at first I thought he was just calling me about the question I had, while the phone was ringing, I went back to look at the groupme, to my horror I CLICKED NOT JUST A PICTURE FROM THE NIGHT BEFORE, BUT THE WHOLE DAMN VIDEO. My heart dropped, instantly when I realized what happened my boss picked up the phone, he began questioning me about what my “intentions” where with the video and that he’s never had anyone do such a disrespectful act in the company before. I tried to explain but needless to say that was my last day working there. Lol on the bright side the coworker I had a crush on...finally got his attention. 🤷🏼‍♀️😂 TLDR: tried to send a picture of a customers problem to my employee groupme, turns out I send an entire nude video of myself, still got the guy in the end! Edit: please stop upvoting for the love of godddd Edit: since it stopped climbing, fuck it, here’s the video https://imgur.com/a/eJfs0uy

Need to see video to decide if boss was justified in firing you.

Happened last night. Wife's 8 year old very large goldfish was passing away. Had dropsy, was suffering, and was on the verge of death. Wife and I looked into the symptoms and there was practically no hope of him making a recovery, so she asked me to euthanize him. Looking into methods, it seemed pretty agreed upon that the most effective and quick way to euthanize a fish was blunt force trauma. Now, when I was a kid my family were huge anglers, and I was designated as the fish killer when it was time to cook them. Back then, I was told to slam them on the ground as hard as I could. Well, my 8 year old body wasnt strong enough to kill them instantaneously so I had to do it multiple times. Honestly it kind of fucked me up a little. Flash forward to last night, I didn't want that happening again and I wanted it to be painless. I asked my wife to leave the room because she was very upset and I chose to do the deed by putting the fish in a plastic grocery bag and slamming it on the counter as hard as I possibly could. The poor fish was absolutely obliterated. The force ripped open the bag and sprayed bits of what used to be a goldfish in every direction. Told my wife to stay upstairs and she started getting suspicious so she comes down after 5 minutes and its just everywhere still. On the counter, on the stove, on the fridge, on the freaking Christmas tree we still have up, I was still finding pieces of it this morning. Wife was aghast and traumatized. Cried until she went to bed. TL;DR I euthanized my wife's dying fish quickly but in the most visually traumatizing way possible.

On the plus side, a piece of your beloved goldfish will live on with you forever. Or until the smell helps you to find it. Edit: wow, this blew up like OP’s goldfish!

Obligatory this happened a couple of days ago but I’ve only just psychologically recovered from my utter embarrassment. So. After lockdown ended in my country there’s been a huge sale at my local laser hair removal clinic and so I thought fuck it, I might as well go for it. So I paid for my 10 visits and set off for the first one, a little nervous but excited for my new, hairless body. Now I decided it would be a great idea to get a full Brazilian, allll the way from front to back. Pretty normal right? The lovely nurse comes in and gives me a brief heads up, explains how it all works sorta thing. So she leaves the room, leaving me to strip down. She comes back in, and decides that we are going to laser away the hair around my asshole first. All well and good right? So the instructions I’m given are “lay on your right side, and use your left hand to pull up your bum cheek” So here I am, lying on my side, hand pulling up my bum while this lady sticks a laser round my asshole. Now, on my left hand, I wear this gorgeous silver ring with a bright blue gem- it was handmade by my best friends boyfriend so it’s pretty unique. So this lady saw my gorgeous ring, and decided to break the awkward silence with a “that’s a cute ring you have there”. And of course, I happened to forget I was wearing the damn ring. It just made sense in my head that this nurse was complimenting the ring of my asshole. Yeah. I know. So, still on my side, I tell her “thank you! It’ll be a lot nicer when it’s hairless lol” Cue awkward laugh and then silence, until I realised that she was not, in fact, talking about my bum. Finished the rest of the appointment without speaking and dashed out of there as soon as possible. Still recovering. TL;DR: my laser hair removal complimented my ring on my finger while doing laser hair removal on my asshole, and I thought she was saying I had a cute asshole Edit: clarity Edit: for everyone asking, this is the [ring](https://imgur.com/uqhSqij). It’s not super intricate but I was more impressed that it was handmade and the stone is pretty imo. For everyone asking, my friends boyfriend has started a jewellery business and I bought the ring to support them- nothing funny going on there.

Nurse: How many carats? OP: About 4. Yeah, I think I can fit 4 carrots in my asshole Edit: Of course my best comment would be about shoving things up an asshole. Don't change Reddit. Thanks for the awards, you made my birthday a special one.

Happened a couple weeks ago I was at a party and saw a girl across the room. She was wearing a skirt, holding a drink in one hand and had the other hand in her pocket. I saw her skirt, thought to myself how cool that skirt is having pockets. A lot of women I know complain about not having pockets, so this is a very progressive thing. A bit later, I got around to talking to her. I complimented her skirt, and how pockets in a skirt is great. She looked very confused, said “my skirt doesn’t have pockets, why would you think that?” I mentioned that I had seen her earlier with her hand in her pocket. Her face went bright red and revealed that her hand was amputated. What I thought was her hand in her pocket, was her stump resting against her hip. I apologised immediately, but luckily she thought it was funny because she’d never heard that comment before. I’m still dying inside though. TL DR; Complimented a girl on having a skirt with pockets, turns out she just didn’t have a hand.

This reminds of one night in a festival in Bilbao when one of my friends was smoking a rolled cigarette and someone from behind asked us for some tobacco. My friend said yes and handed the tobacco and papers. The guy cleans his throat and asks quite timidly if we could roll him a couple cigarettes and my friend answers rudely: "dude are you missing a hand or what? Roll them yourself ffs". Then he taps my friend's shoulder with his stump... never seen my friend apologising so many times in a row.

TIFU by saving my reddit log in to the computer at my work. I forgot to deselect the box that remembers my log in information and now my co-worker and anyone who uses the work computer has access to my reddit account and can do whatever they want. In fact, I don't even know I've FU yet. My co-worker is hoping that I discover that I FU when I receive replies to this post. Reddit, please let me know I've FU and give my coworker recommendations of how to increase the consequences of staying logged in. TL;DR: I forgot to log out of my reddit and now my co-worker can do what ever they want, like say the true user of this account has a small penis. But it's coming from me so you know it's credible, and that I, u/MisterWhisler_ am not the slightest bit hung.

I applaud your frank, honest admission of penis size. The world needs to hear there are more of you out there, the hero we all deserve.

So this TIFU isn't as crazy or wild as others I read, but I thought others would appreciate how much I'm laughing but how many horrible regrets I have over this situation. Let me start by saying it's important to note that whenever I cook hotdogs, I slice the package, take out a few, roll the rest back up in the plastic packaging, and fasten it all with some good old fashion elastic bands. .. Today. I did not. I couldn't tell you why my dumb ass decided to just fold the plastic over a few times and place it back on the shelf, but here we are. So my spouse comes running down in their few minutes between endless meetings to make their lunch quickly. We are the only two in our house, plus our little rescue dog who was a stray and an absolute MOOCH. I mean, this dog will weave between your feet, eyes GLUED to the floor hoping for even a single speck of crum because woe is him he's never been fed a day in his life. So we're all in the kitchen, I hear the fridge open, and it suddenly dawns on me in horror that my spouse is MOST DEFINITELY going to go for those hotdogs I wrapped like a dumbass. I quickly turn around to say something, and my spouse in slow motion, wide-eyed stares at me as the hotdog package unrolls like a fruit-by-the-foot commerical and DOUSES my dog's entire skull in too-much-to-be-reasonable-in-one-fucking-package of hotdog water. My dog lost his SHIT. Like a Christian grandma with the second coming of Christ my dog just tears ass across the entire apartment with the worst case of the zoomies I think we've ever seen him have. He proceeds to spend the next 15 mins singing our praises as the greatest humans alive as he rolls across every piece of furniture we own. I'm talking every. Piece. Of. Furniture. Now I don't hate hotdogs but the smell is weirdly overpowering, and every time I sat down on something else all I can smell is godforsaken hotdogs. My dog loves it though. And now I'm figuring out how to shampoo out hotdog water from my life. I have so many regrets. TLDR: My dumb ass didn't seal a package of hotdogs properly and my spouse accidentally dumped hotdog water all over my dog's head and now I'm living in a hotdog smelling hellhole because my dog decided to excitedly roll on EVERYTHING we own. But at least he's having the best damn day of his life because of it. I probably hate hotdogs now. Edit: Oh my gosh I'm trying to go through all the comments! I'm so glad so many of you got a good laugh out of this too! I don't know what awards do, but I want to thank you kind folks for being so cool. <3 Edit 2: I didn't know how to add the doggo tax so I posted pics in the comments!

Why are all the TIFUs about dogs the absolute best ones LOL oh god I hope you get that smell out soon !!

My friend Jenna moved into a nice, new condo last month and I finally got a chance to check it out for the first time today. I ended up arriving before she got home from work so she told me to let myself in with the spare key under the potted plant and to make myself comfortable. I made myself a sandwich and was meandering around eating and checking out her swanky new place when the front door opened and a really large and unfamiliar man with a duffel bag came in. Dude was intimidating and I'm a 4'11" woman so I was immediately scared. He looked shocked to see me. I'm looking at his duffel bag and realizing that I surprised some piece of shit burglar! I panicked and threw my sandwich at his face and then locked myself in the bedroom. I'm shaking and he pounds on the door yelling at me to get the fuck out. I start screaming at HIM to get the fuck out and that I'm calling the police (total bluff because I didn't have my phone.) He then yells back that HE is calling the police on ME. This gives me pause. At this point, I look around and realize the bedroom I'm in definitely appears to be of the male persuasion. I ask him through the door if he knows Jenna (last name). He tells me yes, she is his next door neighbor. WELL. Apparently, Jenna's neighbor ALSO keeps a spare key under a potted plant. So, today I fucked up by letting myself into my friend's neighbor's place, smacking him in the face with his own sandwich and then screaming at him to get the fuck out of his house. TL;DR Today I fucked up by wasting a sandwich.

This story gets better if you date each other. No pressure.

Not to much to say, really. My girlfriend came to visit and I guess I got distracted. My colleague who is, as mentioned in title, much smarter and more handsome than I am, seized this opportunity with gusto. He realized the shared computer was already logged in to reddit and immediately checked the username. "Ahh... Justifire989, you have fucked up." Immediately he knew where he should post first. Unfortunately, I am a lesser man and not subscribed to [r/TIFU](https://www.reddit.com/r/TIFU/), so he must have had to navigate here before beginning his tirade. How he must have cackled, laughing at my puny karma score. Nearly 5 years on reddit and all I've amassed is 485 measly internet points. I imagine he must have checked all my posts and perhaps even read some of my comments. I started to worry... "Wait...! Have I posted anything embarrassing?!" As soon as this thought occurred to me I, of course, went to check my comment history, hoping I hadn't commented on anything in [r/furry\_irl](https://www.reddit.com/r/furry_irl/). It was then that I began to wonder what else he may have done to my account while I was gone. Upon inspection, I found that he had subscribed to several subreddits I never would have subbed to. Who knew that [r/sounding](https://www.reddit.com/r/sounding/) is a thing? NSFW WARNING Now I must begin the process of cleaning up my account. Or perhaps I'll simply discard it and start fresh. I just can't believe that I was dumb enough to let this happen while I was in sitting in the next room. Pray for me reddit, I've been bested by a better man. TL;DR left my account signed in, colleague messed with me UPDATE: My shift is over now so I'm headed out. OP called me a few minutes ago to say "Well played." when he started getting notifications on his phone from r/gayr4r. I feel I've done good work this night. UPDATE 2: The first update and the post itself was made by my colleague, not the owner of the account. I see a few people are upset by the post that was made in r/gayr4r, but i assure you it was not made with any malicious intent nor was it made by me. Huge thanks to all the people who have given awards btw! I will make sure my colleague is provided with the satisfaction of knowing they did good.

This colleague of yours seems to be a man of great learning and sophistication.

Probably my biggest fuck up ever, which will haunt me for the next 18 years. Just feels so surreal, not necessarily panicking tho. I'm 23M and my female friend, whom I've known for the most part of my life is currently 22. I still remember us playing every day as little kids to hanging out almost everyday as teenagers, we often went on vacation together either with my or her parents. She was sort of like the sister I never had, and people now hearing that I got her pregnant feels almost like it's illegal. A few months ago, I was at her apartment both of us super drunk, and yeah it somehow just happened. It was good, so I guess in the following weeks it accidentally happened quite often🤷🏽‍♂️. We did use condoms , but she isn't on birthcontrol. How the hell did she get pregnant. I know that there are a few, who even get pregnant on birthcontrol, but never thought it would happen to us. She took 5 pregnancy tests and 1 week later went to the gynecologist, who comfirmed. We both can't bring it on ourselves to abort the baby, so we're keeping it, we're financially stable so I don't think it would be a problem. We're planning on telling our parents this evening, so akward since they've seen me grow up with her etc. The only one who's been shipping us since day one, was her grandma lol . Still can't believe I'll have to spent 18 years of my life ,well it's not even 18 years it's a life commitment lol. TL:DR Got my childhood friend🤰🏾🤰🏾 For those of you suggesting me to get a partenity test. : Yes she even told me she doesn't mind if I'm doubting that the child is mine, since the scenario is somehow unlikely. She told me she didn't sleep with another guy for the last 2 months. I'll be taking a paternity test, but I'm already 99% sure that child is mine. *UPDATE* Ok guys, I just went with her to her parents house, we actually wanted to go in the evening as I said, but the sooner the better I guess. I was really nervous ,her dad was working in the garden and her mom was cleaning around the house. After thirty minutes, everyone was gathered in the kitchen, so we thought a better opportunity wouldn't come. We told them and I could see the horror in their eyes lol. Idk they seemed kinda happy, but also shocked. Her mom started tearing up, so I guess she's either happy or disappointed. Her dad asked why we didn't tell them that we're ,,dating" and my god that was such an akward moment because both of us didn't reply, (akward silence). They were asking a bunch of questions, and we even called her grandma telling her that her prediction was right. We made up an excuse and left, later on in the car she gave me a kiss and told me that she was proud of me, the whole drive her hand was resting on my thigh. Like does that mean she likes me?? I don't want to misinterpret anything to make things even worse. She's a very very kind person in general, so a bunch of guys always thought she liked them meanwhile she was only being nice. Final UPDATE: Okay Guys that'll be my final update, maybe if I remember I'll update in 9 months let's see. I discussed everything with her that needed to be discussed. We're planning on moving together when she's 6-7months pregnant, and we'll just see how it works. We both admitted to having feelings for eachother, so we'll just see were it goes, and leave our relationship how it is bestfriends, who live together and fuck I guess. Thanks for all the encouragment, this post shouldn't even be on TIFU anymore lol. I'm kinda excited on being a father. And btw she's reading the comments...... *To clarify, apparently a few didn't get it,yes we are dating* Bestfriend+ fuck= Dating UPDATE: Hey Guys, It‘s been awhile. Almost forgot about this post. I‘ve received alot of nice messages, unfortunately I couldn‘t reply to all of them, since it were alot. Anyways here is the Update, can‘t lie but those months were definetly more stressful and complicated than I expected them to be, considering Us being so young , nontheless it was all worth it the first time I held my little baby girl in my arms. We didn‘t know the gender of our baby, since we wanted it to be a surprise. When it comes to gender I don‘t necesseraly have a preference, but I‘d be lying if I said I never wanted to be a girl dad . And for anyone wondering if she‘s my child , Yes she is haha, she even inherited a family illness of mine (not saying that‘s good) So I think the question most of you want answered is, what happened between me and my bestfriend ? Well we did move in together , which was definetly a financial burden for us, and money in some months is really tight, since we pay everything out of our own pocket. (I don‘t really like the idea of using our parents money, even if this would help us alot) I found it sort of funny how people were actually believing that I was this oblivious, which I actually wasn‘t haha. Well maybe a bit, realizing she has been dropping hints, since we were like 16 . But yeah there isn‘t much to Update, I feel like I mainly highlighted the negative consequences , but it‘s honestly pretty awesome too. The best feeling is to find a Bestfriend in a Lover, and I couldn‘t imagine loving anyone as much as I love her. That‘s it have a nice day :)

Grandma sabotaged those condoms

This wasn't today, it was actually Sunday. The other night my wife and I were getting ready for bed and being kind of flirty. I had to use the restroom, so stayed downstairs while she went up to bed. While I was sitting on the toilet I got a text: "Bring a bucket and a mop." Crap, one of my kids must have thrown up. I finished my toilet biz and went down to the basement to check the cleaning supplies. I found a bucket, but couldn't find a mop. i found one of those squeezy sponge things, but the sponge was missing. Figuring the vomit was probably congealing by this point, I just grabbed the bucket and a bunch of paper towels and ran upstairs. I got to the upstairs bathroom and found no mess. I carried the cleaning supplies down to my kids rooms, but found no vomit. I went to our bedroom and found my wife lying on the bed. She asked what had taken me so long, and I said I couldn't find a mop, and where was the mess? She started rolling around on the bed laughing. Suddenly I realized "Bring a bucket and a mop" was a line from "WAP (Wet Ass Pussy)." My wife had been in the mood, and I had spent 15 minutes looking for a mop in the basement. She was laughing so much that the mood was basically dead. TL;DR: My wife texted me a line from a Cardi B song to tell me she was in the mood. I thought she wanted me to bring cleaning supplies because a kid threw up.

As a dude that has been married for 25 years... this story resonates so much. You just get in a groove - words, phrases, signals are just there and you need to be really tuned in to what's going on or you will miss them. This is a perfect example and really funny. Bucket and mop is a puking kid, sink leaking, dog took a dump on the carpet - certainly not WAP. That being said, you did the right thing. If the script was flipped (you run upstairs with your pants around your ankles) to a puking kid... well, that would have been an unfortunate result. You did the right thing. Score one for you.

Edit: Extemporaneous typing. TL;DR: watch the Apple memories of 2020 videos by yourself first. This happened about 45 minutes ago. So... anyone that has an Apple device may have noticed they do these “memory videos” for 2020. Anyways, I had just discovered this feature and was watching it with my girlfriend. Slowly, other immediate family members joined around us after having heard the “chill” music played along the montage. We saw some cute pictures of our pets, museums visits pre-COVID, my GF and I spotting deer, us decorating our new apartment, time spent at my moms house, visits to forest preserves, and other no contact activities we did this summer and fall. Then it happened. About 3 minutes into the montage it shifted from a picture to a short clip of me sliding 2 fingers into my girlfriends vagina. Time froze. Someone said, “Oh my” in the tone of an antebellum age southern lady, and I whipped my phone down. People walked away, but a proverbial fly on the wall would have collided with the amount tensions in the air, which would require more than a knife to cut. I’m now home laying in bed typing this and thinking about how 30 years from now, this is going to be one of those embarrassing memories that keep me up at night.

Not as bad as the time Amazon fire started automatically slideshowing my dick pics on my family tv... For months... No one said anything

So, this is gonna be long and one hell of a ride. NSFW or for anyone, really. And I may not be alive much longer, because I’m probably going to be murdered. I’m at the bar the other night, watching the Hall of Fame Game. After it’s over, I go over to charge my phone, and get one last drink before I Uber home. This girl sitting next to me, very attractive. Out of my league. Like wayyy out. I’m just scrolling through memes on my phone. And she asks me “hey! Can I trust you to watch my things and not drug me?” “Uhh what?” “Can you watch my stuff while I go pee and not drug me” to which the bartender said “oh you can trust Greg, he’s really nice”. Annnd this is where the bartender fucked up. Girl comes back from the bathroom, sits back down and started to talk to me. Just random shit. Showed pictures of our dogs to each other. Talked about shows n stuff. Typical ‘meet a girl at a bar’ flirting shit. She asks if I’ve ever seen the show Years and Years. I say “no, but I’ve seen the band perform live”. So she goes on about how great the show is, and how I need to watch it. Asks if I have HBOGO. “Yes because I forgot to cancel my cable after GoT”. So she makes me download the APP, so I could start watching it when I get home. Thanks for the recommendation! I’ll probably check it out never. So a few minutes later, she said “hey do you live close by?” “Yea, like half a mile” “we should go watch the show right now, we can curl up on your couch and watch it together. I have a bottle of whiskey in my car” “Idk, my house is kind of a mess right now” “That’s okay, I have pets too” (or something like that. All I was thinking was that this girl wants to bang at this point) “I mean I guess, but I have to be at work early tomorrow” “That’s okay, I can only stay 30-40 minutes and then I’ll have to go home” “That’s fine” heh, cuz that’s all the time I’ll need! AM I RIGHT, FELLAS?? No. Nononono, this was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life at this point. It’s about, 11pm at this point. I think? And mind you, I’ve only been talking this girl for maybe 20 minutes. So we tab out, get in her car. Which is a stick shift. And I say “oh no shit, I like you even more now! No one drives a stick anymore! I drive one every day!” Which I’m excited about, because at this point I’m thinking to myself “hmm this girl is hot, has tattoos, likes shows I like, and imma bout to get laid” We talked about driving a stick shift the whole time on the way to my house (this is important, because it wasn’t the first time that this subject came up). Which is just a half mile away. So was a short drive. She parks behind my car, blocking my car in. Go inside, I try to clean up a little bit as she meets and plays with my dog. While I try to get my Chromecast set up on my living room TV. Ya know, to “watch HBOGO”. She runs outside to her to grab the bottle of whiskey. It’s fucking Evan Williams. And this is the first time where an “oh no” thought crosses my mind. Kids, I’ve slept with some strange in my time. I don’t know how or why I get myself into these situations. I honestly feel that I’m a decent looking, charming, sometimes funny, nice person. Sure I troll the fuck out of people on the interwebs, but I do genuinely care about other people. Being nice does pay off, and karma is a real thing. But in this case, I was dead wrong. So after some talking about random shit. We get the show playing. I couldn’t even tell you what happened in the first few moments of that show, because she gets up grabs me by the hand, and leads me into my bedroom. Sex. So after, we’re just laying there. Pillow talk. Was a good night. I just got laid. She asked if she could stay the night. We’re gonna go to sleep. Everything is cool. I let her know that I have to be at work in a few hours, so I need to get some rest. Now, up to this point in the story, it all sounds like a great night. Pulled off another one night stand. *high fives all around* Right? Wrong. I say “that was great we should do this again sometime” “I don’t think so” “What why?” “I don’t think my husband would appreciate that” I am speechless. I don’t think I’ve ever felt my heart skip that many beats ever. Millions of thoughts crossed my mind all at once. Like, how the fuck did I not see this coming. Omg imma home wrecker. I’m probably gonna get shot of he finds out. Me: “Ummmmmmm WHAT? Is this an open relationship? Does he know where you’re at? Like, why didn’t you tell me that?” Her: “idk, does it matter?” “Uh yeah, I’d be pretty pissed if I was him” Now I’ve been cheated on before. And that feeling sucks. I’ve been in a similar situation like, 10 years ago. Where I didn’t know that I was sleeping with someone who had a bf at the time. I had found out a couple days later, and I found him on fb and let him know. He thanked me, and didn’t get mad at me at all. Cheating is the worse thing ever. So this is where shit starts to hit the fan. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but it went something like this: Her: “we’re getting separated soon” Me: “well you’re still fucking married to him” “Yea but that’s okay” “How is that okay?” “He’s been..... abusive” There’s a slight pause, then she starts crying. So this is where the sober me starts to kick in. This girl is struggling. She’s in a bad spot. And no one should ever lay a finger on a woman. And now I’m trying to empathize with this trashy Evan Williams drinking bitch. Like I legit felt bad from all the shit that she was telling me. Que the panic attack. She starts going nuts. Ripping posters off my wall, running around my house butt naked. Knocking shit over. Basically trashing my house. She asks me to get her medicine out of her purse. Which I do. She takes it. And calms down. (For the most part). Now this is like, 2 or 3 am now. I tell her that we need to go to sleep. Because I have to work in the morning. She tells me “(bartender) was right, you are a really great guy” Btw, Evan Williams isn’t that bad when you’re slightly inebriated and you just had sex with a crazy bitch. We finally get to sleep around 4? Maybe? I wake up late, she wants round 3. And who doesn’t like morning sex. I’m still kinda drunk at this point, and could give 0 fucks. So I gave her a fuck. Anyways, I need to leave for work. But her car is blocking mine. I tell her that she needs to move hers, but she can’t because she didn’t know where her clothes were. And told me I couldn’t move it because “I didn’t know how to drive it” “Uhh, this is the third time we’ve had this conversation. I drive a stick every day, I can move your car” I move her car. I leave for work. And I just let her stay at my house. I let her stay because one, the shit that she told me about her husband is pretty crazy. Two, I was already running late, and fuck it she’ll probably leave before I get home. A couple hours into my shift, she stops responding to my texts. I get concerned, because I’m starting to sober up, and piecing all this shit together. I came to the conclusion that I should find the husband on fb, and message him, letting him know what happened.... BUT, I see that she had already messaged him. FROM MY FACEBOOK ACCOUNT! My computer was still logged into fb when I left, and I didn’t think to log out or shut it off or anything. I tell my boss about everything that has happened up until this point. He lets me go home. When I get home, I find her still naked in my bed. I get her friend to get her an Uber. And I leave. Oh also had the sex one more time because 🤷‍♂️. Go back to work. Thinking everything is over. That’s the end of that. Wrong again. I get home from work, to find her on my couch wearing one of my shirts. And only that shirt. Like vag all out and everything. This girl is afraid to go home. Which I’m worried about at this point. Because I want her to go somewhere safe. She’s refusing to reach out to any friends and what not. Oh yea, she had me find her phone. Which had 40 something messages and 28 missed calls from her husband. And several others from other people. She hands me $20 to order a pizza. And after we eat the pizza, she’d Uber home. Fuckin bet. I ordered the pizza, and she wanted one last round of the sex before the pizza got there. I kid you not. I’m sitting on one end of the couch, her on the other. And she just opens her legs and says “make it quick” This bitch has already hit and kicked me, trashed my house, and I’m just ready for her to leave. Sex. After, we’re just sitting there, and she starts crying again. Asking to go home. And I’m like “I’ll get you an Uber home, but you gotta put pants on” “No” “What do you mean ‘no’? You can’t get in an Uber with your pussy out” “No” So I gather up all of her belongings and clothes. And try to help her get dressed. To which she refused to allow me to do. Most guys will agree, one of the hottest things ever... That “arch” thing that women do when you’re pulling their panties off is a fucking amazing feeling. #I had the same feeling when I got her panties ON. Pizza arrives. I go outside, sign for the pizza n stuff. Come back inside. Panties are off again. God dammit. We never even opened the pizza box. She’s saying that she wants to go home. But is refusing to get dressed. I’m starting to panic myself. Because I don’t know how I got myself into this situation. But, am me. She eventually hands me her phone, with the conversation that’s she having with her husband. And I read through the conversation, it’s her sending multiple texts saying “I’m so sorry babe” “idk where I’m at” “come get me”. And him saying “nope sorry” “this is on you” and “call 911” That last one though. That’s what I did. Before I called 911, I offered to drive her car back to the bar where we met, because I knew the husband would give her a ride back there. And not to my house. Because now I’m starting to worry about my safety. I don’t want homeboy to show up on my porch with a shotty. But then again she states that “you don’t know how to drive my car” with it being a stick and all. Even though this is 4th or 5th time this was brought up in conversation. I told them that I have an inebriated woman in my house that is refusing to leave, even though she wants to leave. Etc. I tried to call our one mutual friend, (the bartender from the previous night) but she didn’t answer. The ~20 minutes before the cops arrived were the most awkward 20 minutes of my life. This girl is drunk crying. Trying to get me to go for yet another round. Where at this point, my dick hurts. Also, “girl you need to get dressed, you’re gonna be going home” Finally got her panties back on, I didn’t tell her that I had called the cops. I told her that the Uber was coming. And was trying to get her to put her pants on. Cops show up, I go outside. Explain the situation, was kind of freaking out. But I kept my calm. I told them that I was concerned about her safety, because of all the shit that she told me about her husband. But they can’t force her to go anywhere she didn’t want to. She wanted to go home. Officers ask if she was presentable. I pop my head back in the door. She’s still wearing my shirt and her panties. So I’m like “I guess?”, and then I let them in. She yells “are you fucking serious? You called the cops?” “Uh yea, you didn’t wanna leave. Even though you said you did. Plus your husband said to call 911, so that’s what I did” The officer said to her “you’re on this man’s property, and he wants you to leave” Que crying and what not. Cops ask me to gather all of her stuff. Which I do. Her husband calls her phone, so I accept the call, and then put it up to her face. Tell her to tell him what’s happening. And that she is getting an Uber home. Apparently her card and PayPal was getting declined for the ride. So she couldn’t do it herself. They live like 5 miles away from me, so it was only $8 or something. I live pretty close to downtown, so ordering a Lyft/Uber usually takes 2-3 minutes after calling for one. Once cops tell her that her ride is on the way, and gonna be here within 2 minutes... Girl finally decides to get dressed. I had to help a 30 year old woman put pants on... I could see the officer’s partner struggling to keep a straight face during that ordeal. Lol. Anyways, I hand her hat, keys, bra, shirt (she’s still wearing mine) to the officer. Made sure she had all of her belongings. We get her to walk out of my house to the Uber. But she tried to grab the bottle of Evan Williams. To where I audibly laughed. “I don’t think they’ll let you take that” Cops didn’t let her take it. She got in the Uber and she was gone. Policeman handed me the bottle back. Where I say “usually this is the other way around, ha” Po-po leave, I call it a night, and it’s over. Flash forward to today. I get a message from our mutual friend (the bartender) and she’s asking if crazy girls keys are at my house. I was at work at the time. So I wasn’t able to check. But I’m 98% certain I handed those over to the cops. I look for them when I get home. Found nothing. Oh, and this girls car is still parked across the street from my house. So that brings us to now. I haven’t heard anything from her. Or the husband. And I’m not sure if it’s safe for me to go home. But ya. Know what? Fuck it. I’m glad I could share this story with y’all. There might be more to come, but you’ll probably have to read about it in my obituary. The moral of the story is, drug every girl that asks you not to drug them at a bar. 😂 Jk don’t do that. And don’t stick your dick in crazy. TLDR: Took a girl home who I didn't know was married. She trashed my house. Edit: I’m not gonna change “que” to “cue” because fuck you, deal with my mistakes while I deal with mine. Edit 2: the messages, https://imgur.com/gallery/jju2GIa Edit 3: her car is still there. Can’t get it towed, because it’s on a public street. I’m still alive. I see a lot of you have sent me messages privately. I’ll get to them when I can. Edit 4: FML. I sent her a text saying that she needs to come get her car. No response. Bartender texted me late last night and asked if I used a condom. Which many of you have asked.... And no. I didn't. The girl told me that she was on birth control and that she's allergic to latex. So I think I may have been baby baited. Edit 5: I’m still not dead. Her car is still in front of my across the street neighbor’s house. I just happened to see said neighbor step outside to smoke a cigarette. So I walked across the street to tell her about the circumstances of getting that car towed, since it’s front of their house... This woman is only wearing a bra and either boy shorts or short shorts. And she’s most likely high on meth. Because when I asked her “hey do you wanna get this car that’s in front of your house towed?” She said “no, noooo hehe” I’m like “yea, I’ll talk to y’all tomorrow” just wtf. **UPDATE** I’ve been texting a mutual friend of the couple. Apparently the husband is a really good guy, and this has (probably) happened before. I’m in the works of a TIFUpdate. But I’ll need time for editing screenshots and stuff. I’d like to protect the privacy of those involved, but I’m just too lazy to do it right now.

Forget Netflix and Chill, what about HBOGO and OH NO

Our friends fighting for net neutrality contacted us to ask if we would once more make a stickied post about this topic. Since net neutrality is important for everyone who wants to keep enjoying a free internet - a group to which most redditors belong - the mod team has decided to allow it: --------------------------------------------------------------- Hey everyone, the chairman of the FCC is very likely to announce a vote to gut neutrality, possibly as soon as Nov. 22nd. Once a vote is called, it will become much, much harder to stop ISPs from charging us extra fees to access sites like reddit, and controlling what we see and do online by throttling and blocking sites, apps, games, and streaming services. But there’s still hope. The most effective way to can stop this is by driving as many calls as possible to our Senators and Representatives, now through Nov. 22nd. We're getting word that there are lawmakers who are sympathetic to our cause and considering taking action to slow the FCC down, but they won’t act unless they get more phone calls from constituents. Please, head over to https://www.battleforthenet.com and give your Senators and Reps a call telling them to stop the FCC from slashing Title II net neutrality protections. The time to act is now. We also have ready-made banners, modals, and graphics of various sizes here: https://www.battleforthenet.com/#join Thanks.

I was encouraged to post this here from a comment I made elsewhere, even though it didn’t happen today, or even this decade, so mods please remove if it goes against the rules. It’s a very funny story though. When I was young, my brothers and I snuck a copy of San Andreas into the house. We spent days holed up in our basement taking turns playing, and down there my parents didn’t bother us too much. In order to get tons of money for guns (we had yet to figure out my parents’ dialup password so cheats weren’t a thing for us yet), we would go to the strip club and stand on the stage, absorbing the money dudes threw at the women and just let the game sit for 10-20 minutes. We had to be careful though because sometimes the strippers would do a move and bump into CJ and the bouncers would shoot the place up. One day while I was playing my mom yelled down to the basement at us to get ready, we’re going to Pizza Hut. In a stroke of genius, I drove to the GTA strip club, got on the stage, and then turned the TV off and we left. It was to be the heist of the century. My dad, however, was at church at this time, practicing for a gospel concert he was singing in. He always filmed the practices so he could take notes at home upon playback, and this time was no different. While my mom and brothers and I were still at the Hut, he arrived at home and plugged his camcorder into the VCR. We had just one VCR, and it was connected to the basement TV. Back at the Hut, my mom gets a phone call. She puts her napkin down and slowly looks around the table at us and says ‘ooookay’ a few times into the phone in this really calculating, specific way that she always did when she knew us kids were in trouble before we did. Naturally, it was at this point that we kids knew we were in trouble. For what, though, we didn’t know. After a very quiet minivan ride, we get home and my mom says “Boys why don’t we go down to the basement. Your dad wants to show you his gospel practice downstairs.” It was then at THIS point we knew why we were in trouble. So we drag our feet down the stairs, and lo and behold, my dad is sitting on the couch, TV on, a stripper’s polygonal titties swung stiffly back and forth onscreen to En Vogue’s “My Lovin’”, with CJ standing mere inches away, collecting money. My dad starts in, “boys I don’t even know where to begin. This PlayStation was a blessing to you for Christmas and this is how you repay us? By breaking our trust??” He is holding the controller up now, gesticulating with it. “Here I am, practicing to bring glory to God, and-“ but he was cut off, as he inadvertently squeezed the controller, causing CJ to punch the stripper. My entire family stands in silence, watching together as the bouncers in the strip club shoot the place up for what seems like an eternity. After the shooting stops, and CJ appears in front of the hospital, I look back and see my mom silently weeping into her hand. I look at my dad as a single tear rolls down his cheek and he prays under his breath. After another eternity of silence, without a word, my dad bends down, disconnects the PlayStation, walks back to the family computer, disconnects it, goes to his car and drives away. For the next four months he kept the PS2 and PC locked in his office at work. It’s one of my favorite memories of growing up. I miss my brothers. TL;DR: Wasn’t allowed to play GTA growing up, of course got caught playing it, my dad interrupted his own lecture by accidentally punching a stripper and immediately asked for God’s forgiveness. EDIT: Thanks so much for the response, I’m glad I could spread some laughs with this story! I just want to clarify that my parents weren’t crazy at all, so no need to insult them. I love them so much, they just got overzealous and dramatic from time to time. I had a really great childhood with two loving and involved parents who tried really, really hard to live and raise our family by their convictions. It just doesn’t always work out for everyone involved, like in this case, but it made for a great story that we can all laugh about now. I’m very much an atheist and my parents know it, but we still get along great :) EDIT 2: Also my brothers aren’t dead, we’re all just spread out across the country now! I don’t get to see them very much anymore, that’s all! EDIT 3: Alright now I’m not being so nice. I’m an atheist, but all you other atheist weirdos calling my parents crazy are weird. I hesitate to inform people I’m atheist because of houseplants like you. So self-informed on my life because you’re drunk on your own over-inflated, homuncular ideas about spirituality in people’s personal lives, it’s no wonder r/atheism isn’t a default sub anymore. Look how you’re acting, trying to tell me “bro you need to get out of there.” The story is over a decade old, apparently none of you can read! I shouldn’t be surprised at what I’m reading! However, if you do still feel inclined to let the pea that rolls around your empty head, whose sound you mistake for a competent thought, inform you of some truly transcendent comment in which you consider calling my parents whack jobs and nuts, it says way more about you and your small-mindedness in acting like you know better just because you have an internet connection and a lifetime full of trauma on your own. STOP BEING WEIRD NERDS IN THE COMMENTS.

"bringing glory to God" *punches stripper* Look on Mom's face: Priceless

I get sleep paralysis. I have for the past few years off and on. Usually every couple of months I’ll get a sleep paralysis dream. I’ve talked to my parents about it before. The fuck up is not that they know. The fuck up is that I decided to try drawing what I saw over my bed last night. And then sent a picture to my mom. Now, my parents are hella catholic. Like, homeschooled for 6 years and went to church every day catholic. Like, when things go bad in life my dad wholeheartedly believes it’s the devil actively attacking us so we lose our faith. Which explains their reaction when I showed them [this picture](https://imgur.com/gallery/NPknvMj). Cue the panicked phone call from my parents who now believe the devil visits me in my sleep. I spent 30 minutes on the phone with them trying to find a bible or a rosary so my mom could sleep without worrying my soul would be stolen. They want me to talk to a priest and get my house blessed and use holy water every time I enter. The next time I visit them, I may end up in an impromptu exorcism. Wish me luck. TL;DR my mom thinks the devil visits me at night

If I have nightmares about that fucking thing you're getting an earful tomorrow OP

Let me preface this off by blaming all of you, the entirety of reddit for desensitizing me, and giving me major trust issues on April fools day. So here it goes... Yesterday I got a group text from my wifes (sarah) side of the family stating there was an emergency family meeting happening that night over dinner at my mother in laws (Barb) house. I immediately had april fools spidey senses starting to tingle, but we haven't all got together since Christmas so I overlooked it and said we (my wife and I ) were in. We were the last to arrive and it was pretty somber when we walked in. We all sat down at the table and my wifes brother (Tim) informed the family that his wife (Ashley) has been having an affair and they are divorcing. The affair was with a long time close family friend (Chris) who lived a block away. Chris' wife (jen) had caught them when she came home early one day last week and broke the news to my brother in law Tim. Both families have been friends for years. They live less than a block from each other, they each have been married for 15+ years, have 4 kids right around the same age. Honestly, I have always thought both of them were picture perfect families. Hell, all four of them and their kids were at our house two weeks ago for a bbq. Anyways after airing a lot of dirty laundry, and their plans to divorce, how it could effect future family functions, and opening it up to the group of any questions... there was silence. I broke the silence with laughter and a slow clap. Saying this was the best april fools gag I've ever seen but I wasn't falling for it. I told Ashley and especially Tim they need to consider going into theater, their performances were top notch and tears seemed genuine. Being the newest member of the family (my wife and I married 6 months ago) this was probably not the best thing to say in hindsight. I probably should not have said anything. Everyone in the room looked horrified. My mother in law, who had been crying the entire time, lost all composure. She left the room in hysterics and did not return before we left. Tim, just shook his head, and his cheating wife actually let out a brief chuckle before calling me out for being a dumbass for thinking this was a ruse. Then berating me for being so insensitive. The rest of the family sat in silence shaking their heads as my wife berated me for trying to make a joke out of a serious situation... I am still dumbfounded. In hindsight, I probably should have sat in silence... but I honestly still feel like I was calling out an april fools gag. #tldr My borther in law's wife has been cheating on him. They told the family they are getting divorced. I broke the awkward silence with a slow clap and laughter saying I'm no april fool. *Edit* Wow this blew up, thanks for the golds and silver. *Edit 2* I don't think I'll be posting the nest video of this situation anymore. This blew up and I just got multiple texts from my wife telling me I fucked up even more by posting this as she saw it on the front page.... And I didn't change any names *Edit 3.0* Ok it's been fun everyone, I may see you all again next week with tifu by making a tifu post about divorce that ultimately lead to my own divorce. *Edit 4.0* Uhh this post is getting deleted. It's been fun, just got home from work my wife is pissed. *Edit 5* Final edit. Fuck it, this could be me making another bad decision in a series of bad decisions, but my wife said to leave the post up. Apparently it further shows her family, (who is also on Reddit) how big of a dumbass I am. Thanks for everyone who said I'm not the asshole. I may have autism, but I'm not an asshole. *Edit 6* Once again was wrong, /pinnacleclub what up Give me a couple days to sleep on releasing the video. I've got it, I've just got to convince my wife to release it.

The cheating wife berating you for being insensitive is the funniest part of it all lmaoooooo Edit: OP if you're leaving it up you might as well post the video. YOLO.

So this happened about 5 hours ago. So today I woke up and had really painful cramps due to the deadly woman’s monthly cycle, mixed with some spiced chicken that hadn’t set right in my belly all night. I go to the toilet about 3 times before work this morning but it’s eased off a bit so take tablets, grin and bear it then leave for work. Now my job is a working within the Prison System and escorting prisoners to certain places, including courts. This is where it all went downhill. I had to escort this prisoner over to the witness box and stand next to her (open court) So I do my usual but my tummy has started to really hurt again. I’m trying my absolute best to put off a fart which I know is brewing but can’t hold it much longer. So I do a really silent one and pat myself on the back thinking I had got away with it.... That is until the Prisoner starts coughing and retching and shouting, ‘what the fucks that?!’ I quickly realise what it must be but can’t admit to such a foul, putrid smell so start crinkling my nose as well and gagging. The admin clerk walks slightly closer and retches so hard she had to swiftly put her head in the bin. By this point it’s getting loud and chaos is starting to ensue (not what you want in court, in front of the District Judge) He quickly tells me to take the prisoner back over to the closed dock and states it must be the pipes. He stands down the whole of court and makes maintenance come in to check all pipes for any leaks, cracks, ANYTHING which could of made that smell happen. Prisoner still has watery eyes, Im pretending to gag and the clerk is sipping water next to a bucket. TLDR: So yeah, court was stood down for over an hour whilst it was searched for the cause of a smell. Not knowing the cause was back down in the cells, hanging her head in shame and regaling to her co-workers about the ‘leaky pipe’ upstairs.

>He stands down the whole of court and makes maintenance come in to check all pipes for any leaks, cracks, ANYTHING He didn't check ALL the cracks.

Link to OG post! https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/acyy54/tifu_by_not_knowing_that_the_guy_i_like_works_on/ Two months ago, I fucked up. I was infatuated with this super cute guy who came in and guest lectured for one of my classes. I ended up realizing, not in a way that I wanted to at all, that he actually works three labs down from the lab I work at. Basically, most of the floor was on holiday and my close friend and I were hanging around the hallway joking about my crush on this guy when I said, "I would even let him fuck me in the ass if he wanted to..." He overheard, came out and told me and my friend to be quiet, then winked at me. I was so fucking mortified. I didn't come back to to the lab until winter break was over, hoping that the large influx of people would somehow prevent me from ever seeing him again. That didn't happen. On my first day back, I was in the break room making some toast when he walks in. "Oh fuck," I had thought knowing that a confrontation was probably inevitable and that I ought to apologize for my crass comment. But instead, I frantically looked away and focused on putting peanut butter on my toast because if I do that, he can't see me right? That didn't happen again. Instead, he came up right next to me smiled, and said "Hey [my name], how was your break?" I looked up awkwardly and told him it was fine, mainly just stayed on campus and worked at the lab. He told me that he basically did the same but went to see his family for a couple of days. He didn't bring up what happened either thank god. Then he said something along the lines of, "Is that all your having for lunch?" and I was like, "Uhm yeah, I was in a rush and forgot to pack something." Then he said, "Oh I was gonna go grab something to eat at [a sandwich place near us], do you wanna come with?" I was like what the fuck, that smooth fucker. I tried not reading into it and brushed if off as him being nice so I said sure and we went. Well. We ended up having a great lunch. Inevitably as we were on our way back, he finally made a crack and was like, "So tell me, after our lunch today, how many seconds do you think I spent staring at you?" I literally just looked at him blankly with my jaw dropped before he chuckled out, "It has to be longer than six seconds at a time right? That has to mean I like you." (Btw what he said was a reference to what me and my friend were talking about that day when he overheard). Even with my shock, I managed to laugh and make a wise crack back at him. Well, tomorrow is our one month anniversary! We have not done the butt stuff. He told me after a couple weeks that although he appreciated my comment, he's not into putting his dick in buttholes. Looks like I will be retaining my butt virginity and I managed to get a super cute, intelligent, and kind boyfriend out of this whole ordeal. TL;DR: Despite my fuck up, it all worked out. We're celebrating one month together tomorrow! Also, I'm a girl (got two comments asking if I was). Edit: Yes, I accidentally wrote "guess" instead of "guest." My b, my b.

You know he spent the whole rest of winter break trying to come up with the perfect pick-up line...

Obligatory this story actually happened about a year ago: I (18F at the time) was dating a boy named, Jacob (18 M at the time). His father (early 60s) was a mechanic, and his mom (mid 50s) was a SAHM. They were a pretty typical white suburban family in the south and had asked Jacob if they could meet me even though we had only been dating for a month. At the dinner, I met his mom, dad, older brother, older sister, and her newborn daughter. The dinner went well and I was chatting about my volunteer work at my college's blood drive, to which his father explains that his doctor told him he was O negative and a universal blood donor. My boyfriend mentions he is also O, but his siblings casually mention they are both AB. I don't think anything of it because my bf had mentioned that his mom was married once before and was widowed. The following conversation went like this: Me: Oh that's really cool. You're a really rare blood type. If you don't mind me asking: is your mom's blood type A and your dad's B or your dad's A and mom's B? OS (older sister): What do you mean? He's O. \*Gesturing to my bf's father\* Me: Oh I know. I was just asking about your bio father, but of course, you don't have to answer if you don't want to. \*I notice his mom get really pale, and it was in that moment I realized I fucked up\* OB (older brother): What do you mean bio father? Me: I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. \*Jacob's dad got real quiet and looking at his wife's face. He knew instantly. I look over to Jacob who I think was starting to put the full picture of what was happening together\* Jacob's dad: Are you saying they're not my biological kids? Because my wife swore up and down in marriage counseling (By "Marriage Counseling" they mean with a pastor) that they were my kids and she would never cheat on me. (yeah... turns out she never had any kids from her previous marriage) Jacob's Mom: I would never cheat on you. OS and OB are your kids. Jacob's Dad: OP, why do you think they're not my kids? I tried to excuse myself because it was very clear the cat was out of the bag, and with a quick google search from my boyfriend he starts cussing out his mom. She starts to sob and apologizes over and over again. And I am forced to explain 9th-grade biology to his father about the fact that the only kids he could have produced were with the blood type: O, A or, B; but absolutely not AB. Jacob was the only one with the possibility of being his son. They all start screaming at one another. OS eventually leaves because her newborn is screaming too. His mom goes and locks herself in the bedroom. His older brother follows her screaming asking who his real father is. My boyfriend is trying to figure out if his dad still wants to *be* their father. I eventually have a friend come pick me up. Yeah... we broke up shortly after but not after figuring out that none of the kids produced from the marriage were his (Edit: They found out via paternity tests, for sure weren't his kids) and they divorced soon after. **TL;DR I accidentally revealed that my boyfriend's mom was unfaithful by pointing out the fact that his older siblings who both had the blood type AB could not have been biologically related to their O negative father** Edit: For those asking how they knew their blood types -- Jacob donated blood for the blood drive at our school. His sister just had a baby so she was probably informed during pregnancy. Jacob's dad was told by his doctor for (probably) underlying medical reasons I don't know (I wasn't ever really close to his family after that for obvious reasons) and I don't know how his brother knew. Edit/PSA: Reading through the comments I have discovered many of you don't know your blood type: **Go find out your blood type! It can save your life in an emergency!** If you are parents find out your children's blood type. If you discover you are not biologically related to one or either of your parents. I am very sorry, but you should still know your blood type and I would suggest some therapy.

That's an amazing life experience. Not many people get to be the catalyst for a family disintegrating by holding an impromptu high school science lecture. Dope.

(This happened yesterday) Also, throwaway since I don't want IRL friends finding my account So there's a video going around of the Wake vs. Duke football game of a girl leaning in to kiss a guy and him not returning the kiss, and looking away. It's on r/therewasanattempt, and currently on r/popular, as well as trending on TikTok, Instagram, and Twitter. That guy is me. I have gotten texts from high school friends I haven't talked to in years, random college classmates, and my sister and mom who have all seen that video, and I'm gonna take this brief moment of internet fame to explain what actually happened. Basically, I've been talking to this girl for a while and we just started dating about a week ago. I tell her she should come to the Wake game since we are undefeated and will probably win. She says yes. We go with a group of friends, and we are having a great time. Throughout the game we are flirting, hugging, kissing a little bit, etc. We also do this thing where one of us leans in for a kiss, and the other person leans away, which is an inside joke between the two of us. So, we do our little inside joke thing, and unbeknownst to us, we are being recorded. After the game, I find I'm on the wake forest old row Instagram page, and within the hour I'm on the official old row page. Then, I'm on TikTok, Twitter, and apparently Reddit too. Just to clarify a few things: 1. She did not get rejected, we were just playing around 2. We did not know we were being recorded 3. If you want proof, check our TikTok accounts (hhhhggggllll and sandx.lop) 4. It was also her first (maybe last?) college football game Anyway, the internet is full of horrible people and I haven't done any work this weekend, so I'm gonna go do that now. Peace TL;DR I didn't kiss a girl at a football game and now I'm paying the price. edit: I'm using a throwaway so people don't read my post history, not to hide my identity, for all those asking.

Ahhhh the joys of relationships. No one on the outside understands that weird shit

So this literally just happened 30 mins ago. I would freely and happily admit if I tried this on purpose as a warning to others, but legitimately fucked up here. Came with a couple of friends for the weekend to Amsterdam for a birthday. It’s a great city, pretty to look at and loads of fun. I’m sure most people know the Dutch have decriminalised the use of weed and you can visit ‘coffee shops’ and buy and smoke joints. Had a fun party night last night in town. Went to some coffee shops, got stoned, went to some bars, danced at a club. Had a great night, but only a couple of hours sleep. In a rush packing this morning, as slept through alarm, I put on last nights jeans on with a joint in plastic tube in pocket (front weird pocket in front of main pocket) left over from last night. Got to airport in reasonable time considering slept through alarm. Rushed towards security when suddenly this hideous sensation of my stomach dropping, like in a falling lift...’did I ditch that joint’? At this stage my rucksack is going through the scanner and the airport staff are guiding me through a body scanner tube that you stand still in with your hands in the air, whilst something revolves around you. ‘Sir, do you have anything in your pockets’ says the customs lady as she steers me towards the body scanner. Holy. Fucking. Shit. What to do? I’m still not 100% at this point if there was a joint in my pocket or not. Do I come clean? No way-too late for that. Got to try and style this out, as pocket might actually be empty. Go to tube, put hands up, get scanned no problem. But, Schiphol Airport as policy, possibly because of weed, frisk everyone as soon as out of scan tube. I’m asked to put my hands in air again as airport guy starts to frisk intensely all over. I’m sweating bullets and my scrambled mind is trying to remember the hazy details of last nights outing-did I smoke that joint??? Airport guys hands pats pocket. I feel object being pressed into hip. FUCK FUCK FUCK. ‘Sir, empty your pocket please’? Says airport guy. My partner in the mean time has passed security and is watching on. In slow motion I see the penny drop on his face. I dig into that weird front mini pocket, and pull out a small joint in a plastic tube (as sold in coffee shops) of my pocket. Audible gasps come out of other passengers in queue behind me. I feel my face turning almighty red and feel the room getting a bit spinny. I’m dying inside. I say to pat down guy, ‘oh god. I’m really sorry, I forgot that was in th...’ ‘HAHA, SURE, SURE - THATS WHAT THEY ALL SAY’! Laughs airport pat down guy loudly. I’m placed to one side. Customs security is called over (was left a nerve shredding 30 mins before he turned up). Just gonna take this moment and opportunity to say-the Dutch are a fucking fabulous bunch of people. Customs man comes over and takes one look at me quivering/near to tears and says, ‘Don’t worry Sir! Don’t look so scared! You are 20th today and you won’t be last! I’m sorry you have a government at home that is so restrictive, but unfortunately I can’t let you leave Amsterdam with this joint as you will get in trouble at home’. I almost wept with relief. I was made to sign a form to say he’d taken joint off me....and that was it... I’m in a bar in Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam having a drink to steady my nerves. To all you Dutch-bless your hearts. You’re the best. I’m sorry I was a hot mess and added to the problem of being a dumb fucking tourist. TLDR I was a hot mess and genuinely forgot I had a joint in my pocket. Got caught with it. Dutch customs were amazing about it. Edit-spelling (my hands are still shaking) Edit 2, Thanks for the shiny stuff. First awards (on a story about my drug use). I’m from UK for those asking.. My flights just landed and I made it through UK customs without discovering any other forgotten drugs. I’ve just found the docket the nice customs man handed me when he took the weed. It says under what was taken, ‘joints’. Edit 3-Schiphol doesn’t frisk as matter of routine, yes I get it. Thanks for correction.

I love hearing people’s stories about Amsterdam, they almost always have a happy ending.

This happened two days ago (Sunday). A friend of mine is currently on his second mission to the ISS. I saw a call come in on my iPhone and the caller ID said “Us Gov.” I first had that thought / feeling you get when the principal calls you to their office. “Crap. What did I do that I thought I got away with but maybe I didn’t?!” I was in the middle of something with a bunch of people and showed them what it said on my phone and everyone was all "Don't answer it!" Between everyone's suggestion and my gut feeling of being in trouble, I sent it to voicemail. Turns out it was my buddy calling from SPACE. I had a chance to speak to someone that wasn't on Earth and screwed it up. First thing he said in the voicemail was “You probably saw a call from Us Gov and turned it down.” I know he’ll call again, but damn I feel like an idiot right now. TL;DR My buddy called me from the Iinternational Space Station and the caller ID said “Us Gov” so I sent it to voicemail and missed a call from space. Edit: He called back tonight! What a fascinating and amazing call! I asked where he was flying over and he said the Western coast of Africa. I asked how the ride was and he said smooth and awesome. He said the second stage acceleration was incredible and that they hit over 4Gs, then at SECO they got thrown into their straps from the deceleration, and bam…orbit. Took roughly 8.5 min to get into orbit. They have a couple of days off (not because of Memorial Day). The conversation was 12 minutes long but we had to end it because of a satellite issue that was about to happens (exact reason is out of my wheelhouse). Ironically, I made him and I laser engraved rocks glasses and I was drinking out of it when he called. We also joked about some funny stuff that happened when I went out for the launch. He was cracking up about the situation with the first call that I shared here and said that’s a common occurrence :)

"Who on Earth would be ringing me at this hour?"

About three weeks ago, I began preparations to get a nice gift for my bf, who I'll call "Ray," to celebrate 4 years of dating. We live in a terribly humid place, and all summer he's been complaining about how sweaty his ass and balls get whenever he goes outside. He's been buying the same brand of cotton boxer-briefs since we started dating. I thought it would be a nice homage to our great relationship, a great way to take care of the butt I get to squeeze on the regular, to splurge on a mail subscription service to some silky micromodal underwear. They are pricey but known for being wicking, cooling, and overall very nice on the buns and balls. I ordered the first pair to present to him on the day of, and set up for a pair to be delivered monthly thereafter. I used his email on the sign-up so that I could simply pass on the account to him after the first pair came; that way, he'd have full power to pick his colors and style every month, and easily return any if there were unexpected problems. One small problem: the receipt for this whole transaction is now resting in his email where he can find it and spoil my surprise. I sneakily hacked into his computer while he was out (by which I mean I entered the password he's shared with me, because he foolishly trusted me not to wreck his shit) and opened up his email. I simply archived the existing emails and set it up so that future emails from the company would be auto-marked as read and archived as well. I know how to do this because I'm a brilliant hacker (I googled it). While carefully double checking my devious work- just to ensure nothing slipped through the cracks- a new email pinged on arrival and caught my attention: A SHIPPING CONFIRMATION FOR AN ENGAGEMENT RING. I immediately noped off his computer, and of course I didn't open the email, but the damage is done. Secret's out! My heart fell right through my butt, you guys. I actually died and now I'm a ghost writing this. I probably should have pretended I never saw that, and taken the secret to my grave, but I was too pumped and couldn't keep it in. Within the hour I broke down and called Ray to sheepishly confess what I had done. He wasn't angry, but sadly disappointed that I spoiled the surprise. Here's the kicker: he didn't actually propose yet, and still intends to make a thing out of it. My punishment for snooping is that the suspense is KILLING ME. I've been forbidden from telling anyone that we're getting engaged until it's officiated. Every time we go out, the suspense that this may be the night drives me crazy! A romantic date at the beach the other evening ended with me saying "damn, I thought for sure we were getting engaged tonight." "Why would you think that I'm going to propose to you?" He said. "That sounds like something you wouldn't know about because I'd keep it secret IN MY PERSONAL EMAIL!" Now he's started intermittently faking me out. The other day, he walked into the kitchen and presented me with a little hinged box, which turned out to contain a tie pin from his work. He keeps getting down on one knee... Looking up at me... And saying, "Gotta tie this shoe!" The emotional stress of keeping this exciting secret within me, not sharing it with coworkers or family or anyone, is MADDENING. Every false start sends my heart right back into my butt. One more thing: I somehow fucked up the email settings. The shipping confirmation for the underwear didn't get archived on arrival, and he saw it within a few hours. So that surprise got spoiled, too. Turns out I'm not a master hacker, and my attempts have only brought woe into this house. I guess it's not all bad: he reports that the pair of boxer-briefs that arrived are very nice to wear, and I do indeed enjoy squeezing his buns in them. If we ever do actually get married it'll be nice to be hitched to a guy with sweet, silky buns and balls. (Edit-a misspelling) TL;DR tried to hide an email receipt for some fancy underoos, found out about an incoming engagement ring, now I'll never get a husband

I love every part of this.

So this happened yesterday... my family (wife, kids and in-laws) and I had just returned from a pontoon cruise for the evening. It was later than usual so I sent the wife up on the golf cart with the kids and in-laws to get them some dinner while I covered up the boat. About halfway through covering up the boat, I notice someone halfway across the cove in the water all on their own and she appeared to maybe be in distress. She wasn’t making progress swimming one way or the other and occasionally going underwater. There were people on the opposite shoreline yelling at her but I couldn’t tell what they were saying. I yell asking if she needs help and she says yes. I call my wife and tell her to come down on the cart, someone is in the water and needs help, I’m going in. I might need help getting the person out. I put on a life jacket and grab the throw cushion from the boat. I swim out to the person and pass off the throw cushion. She appears out of breath. First thing she says to me is “I’m topless”. I responsd with “umm ok, but are you okay?”. I also immediately think to myself: 1. My friends are never going to believe this 2. What is my wife going to think with a topless woman swimming to shore with me She then says she’s running from her boyfriend who is “messed up”. She also asks if it’s shallow enough to touch yet. It wasn’t going to be. I help her to the dock where my wife meets us. She tells my wife “I’m sorry but I don’t have a shirt on”. Again my wife just asks if she’s okay and she tells us the boyfriend story again. Sure enough as she gets out of the water she is topless. But she is carrying a white Tshirt that she quickly throws on. She then immediately begins running to shore. At the same time we notice a pontoon cruising towards our dock yelling at us. At first I think this must be her boyfriend chasing her and we are in the middle of some domestic dispute. They quickly get closer and I realize it’s two sheriff deputies who flagged a pontoon down to carry them across the lake. As they are jumping onto the dock we notice the girl had just jumped into our golf cart and was riding away on it. Apparently she was allegedly involved in a string of burglaries and the “boyfriend” she was running away from was the cops. I had unknowingly aided her swim across the lake to escape and she used our golf cart as getaway. The cops chased her for awhile through the night tracking her down once more but she escaped again. We looked all day for the golf cart today with no luck. I notified insurance if the theft around lunch. About an hour ago someone notified us through social media that it was parked behind a house in a neighborhood over. So we recovered the cart and it seems ok. They put more warrants out for the suspect and are still looking for her. TLDR: thought I was saving a topless woman in distress but unknowingly aided a crook in escaping the police.

I wish I had a golf cart.

This was a few years ago. Took the family to Ginnie Springs, a beautiful Florida water spot for a day of swimming and a little picnic. So as I was swimming in the crystal clear water, watching my son floundering around in his water wings, and just having a good ol time, my son suddenly stopped, pointed at the water and said "Look daddy, a lizard!" I looked over and saw that no, it was NOT a lizard that was swimming over to us, it was a snake. After a quick examination, I realized that this was a Water Moccasin, and a large one at that, heading right for us! So Yelling for my son to back away, I waded out to grab him and drag him back to shore. The snake was making a beeline for us, which is weird because most of the time they avoid human contact. I started to splash water at it, trying to slow it down enough so I could reach the shore before it got too close. So as I was backing up, slapping water at a poisonous snake with one hand and dragging a laughing child (who had no idea what was going on) with the other, I reached close enough to the shoreline to grab a branch that had fallen from a tree. It was long and pretty sturdy. It was perfect for what needed to be done. So as the snake got in close, I went all caveman on it and bashed it a dozen times with the branch. It worked. The snake started to float away, dead as a doornail. I then realized that all the people swimming around in this water would not take too kindly to bumping into a four foot dead moccasin, so using the branch, I launched the snake for a stretch of woods off to my right. Well, I guess the snake was not balanced right on the branch, and I was full of Adrenalin, so instead of the woods, the snake flew high into the air, drifting off to the right where **PLOP**. It landed square on a picnic table. To make matters worse, it landed on a pile of shoes that a girl scout troop had left when they went wading in the water. "Oh Crap!" was all i could think, as I began to quickly swim across the spring to remove the snake from the table, but as I was swimming, I heard them.. the giggles and laughter of little 12 year old girls returning to get their shoes. I stopped cold. I was too late. I began to swim away, trying to hide myself as I saw the first curly haired head approach the table. There was laughing, there was chatting and talking... then there was a pause. And that is when the screaming started. If you have never heard a dozen 12 year old girls scream in horror as they saw a large, bloody snake draped across their shoes, I cannot even begin to explain the sound. Even as i dove underwater, I heard the screaming. Sometimes... at night... I still hear the screams. &#x200B; TLDR- Killed a snake, launched it with a stick across a table filled with 12 year old girls shoes. the screams... they still echo in those woods to this very day.

This is hilarious, the best bit is picturing you dragging your laughing child away while frantically smacking the shit out of the snake

My family loves to over share. This lack of filter sometimes has the tendency to get people into trouble because not all the information is provided, even when it's meant harmlessly. My parents are a bit older (prime "Ok, Boomer" age). I was talking to my Dad the other day on the phone because his birthday dinner was a few days later. I asked how mom was doing and he goes on to tell me a story how my Mom and Aunt (Karen) were at the store and the cashier made a mistake. My Aunt went off on the cashier and asked to see the manager. My Mom was mortified and tried to calm her down but she wasn't having it. I then mentioned to my Dad, "That's such a Karen thing." He goes on to say "Yeah, your Aunt does that a lot." I tell him, "That's the funny part, the Karen meme is a real thing. It's when an entitled (typically white) woman gets angry at the smallest mistake and asks for the manager." My Dad found this hilarious and I explain in more detail. I send him a few links to sites explaining it online. He finds all of this hilarious and she even has the Karen hairstyle. This sends him down the google images rabbit hole and the next few days he sends me random meme's of "Karens" doing Karen stuff adding "Your Aunt did this last week" or "I think this one is about your Aunt." This leads up to his birthday dinner with extended family. My Dad's birthday dinner is going well. Everyone is having a good time, good food, and drinks, etc. Suddenly my Aunt (sitting a few seats down from me) leans forward and loudly shouts down the table "Hey [my name], what's this whole thing about making a meme about me?" I respond "Huh?" She then tells me my Dad sent her all these memes about things she's done. He didn't give her the context that it's a generic meme from the internet and what it's about. Now, my Aunt thinks I made all these memes about her real life events. At this point, the entire family thinks I created this meme on the internet about my Aunt's antics in public. There is a back and forth discussion about it being really rude of me. She's pulling a Karen and starts chewing me out. Meanwhile, I am looking at my Dad like W-T-F, back me up here. My Dad finally steps in to say that this is just a random viral internet thing and that I didn't make these up behind my Aunt's back. Even after explaining, she's a bit irritated. It is apparent she is embarrassed that she is so much like a "Karen" and couldn't tell the difference between the stories online and her own encounters. TL;DR: I told my Dad about the Karen meme because my Aunt is named Karen and acts like a "Karen." My Dad sends my Aunt memes he found, my aunt think I made them about her, she bring it up at my Dad's birthday dinner, and pulls a Karen on me. edit: redundant sentence

Shes embarrassed that she couldn't tell the difference between her life and the memes. The embarrassment. Karen is becoming self aware.

My girlfriend and I were laying down on our bed and watching funny videos on YouTube. She was laughing hysterically at quite a few! So much so that it caused her to let one rip (fart) more than once. This was obviously not intentional which made it both hilarious and adorable. After the third time it happened she said “I’m really gassy”. I took this as an opportunity to quickly press down on her stomach which then almost immediately triggered an enormous fart. I lost it! It was so funny and I could feel the vibration as the pressure caused her to fart again and again. I couldn’t help myself and kept doing it. This is how I f**ked up. After a few successful attempts I tried for a final push. I wanted to end it on a huge one. It was so funny and she was laughing so much!! I pushed down and nothing. So.. I pushed again but this time MUCH harder... Now this is where I should note that she was wearing nothing but one of my T-shirt’s. Hence she had no underwear on. My girlfriend sharted. She sharted and then had a SEVERE follow through... all over our bed. She was mortified. It went from pure joy to absolute chaos and horror... she was just staring at me blankly like she had just killed someone.. I didn’t know what to do as she went quiet.. my legs covered in shit..I stared right back, gently held her hands and walked together to the shower without looking back at the bed or down at my legs.. we didn’t say a word. I cleaned up my legs before leaving her to clean herself up. She made me promise not to go into the bedroom. I adore her completely. She looked so scared when I left her in the shower and wouldn’t let me clean up despite my offering to do so. Eventually, I walked in the bedroom to help. She was so apologetic although I assured her that it’s completely fine. She burst out laughing when I said to her “Don’t worry. You will always be my little shit”. Don’t worry guys. All good! Luckily I have thick skin and can take a lot of shit ;) I adore her. TL;DR - Pushed my girlfriend to hard for shits and giggles. Ended up getting more shit than giggles!

All shits and giggles, until someone giggles and shits...

so about 2 weeks ago my s/o started live streaming on twitch and then was very disappointed when he had zero views. I my self don't play video games or know anything about twitch so I just said sorry and I sympathized. then I got the idea to look into it and see if maybe I can find a way to support him. I created a twitch account and started watching all of live stream and even commented a coupled of times. omg this made him so happy!! he came running into the room to tell me all about it. he has no idea its me. he now gets so excited to play and stream because he believes that even though he only has one person watching, that is one person that believes in him. COVID has been really hard on all of us and this is the first time that I have seen him this excited in like a longggg time. now I feel like there is no way I can tell him its me. ugh I feel awful, I had good intentions and now I feel like I am hiding something from him and I am scared that he will be so disappointed to find out that this one fan was me all along. &#x200B; TL;DR I tried being a supportive partner and now I am forced to keep it a secret from my s/o because of the fear of disappointing him. &#x200B; edit : guys!! you are all amazing humans <3 he is so excited but trying to play it cool hahaha he is like " I have never had these many comments, idk how to keep up with the chat lol" you guys are so sweet and this is honestly the best day of 2020 for the both of us!! thanks for all of the awards and for supporting my s/o <3 &#x200B; edit: guys I might have to come clean to him, we had a secret together reddit but some are commenting about it on his chat :( &#x200B; \*\*\*\* UPDATE \*\*\*\* Hi guys!!! thank you so much for the overwhelming support and kind words!!! I was not expecting this to get this big like at all!!! <3 so after he finished streaming last night I came clean, I showed him the post and he was very moved by it and at a lost for words!!! we stayed up until 4:00am reading all of you guys comments!!! beyond grateful to all of you beautiful humans <3 I know some of you guys were asking for his link, here it is [twitch.tv/gullygunzttv](https://twitch.tv/gullygunzttv) , if you stop by tell him I said hello <3 he is streaming right now! &#x200B; \*\*\* UPDATE #2\*\*\* Hello beautiful humans!!!! just wanted to say thank you once again for all of the love <3 you guys are all amazing!!! so the hubby has made a schedule and the web cam should be coming in anytime next week? I hope lol but soon you guys will be able to see his pretty face and MAYBE mine hahaha Monday 7:30PM-10:30PM Tuesday OFF Wednesday 7:30PM-10:30PM Thursday OFF Friday 7:30PM-10:30PM Saturday 7:00PM-11:30PM Sunday 12:00PM-6:00PM *All times are Eastern Standard Time*

The only thing left to do is DM me his twitch. I’ll follow him. I can keep a secret. Edit: Thanks for the awards and all. First time experiencing anything like this Gullygunzttv is his twitch Feels good to see what this snowballed into. Sort by new wins again!

This literally just happened and I've decided to lock myself in my room until further notice. I was surfing through my newsfeed this morning and I happened to see news articles that Jeffrey Epstein (rot in hell) has committed suicide. Now, my family and I all talk about current events and politics. My parents were up and about getting ready for the day, so I figure I'll go tell them the news. Their door was cracked open, so there's the fuck up. I walk in and am greeted by the sight of my mother blowing my dad. As I hear my mom say "Do ya mind??", I immediately walk the other way, and back downstairs to my room. All the while trying to burn away what I just saw. They leave for the weekend at noon, and I have no plans on seeing them again this morning. TL;DR: Jeff Epstein decided to scar me from beyond the grave. Edit: In one hour on a throwaway, I get more karma than my 4 year old account, first time getting silver, and front page for the first time? Huh. Anyway, back on the "Fuck Jeff Epstein" train.

So they still don't know about Epstein?

Floor 8 of the of place my employment, inside the mens' shitter. &#x200B; I'm sitting there, doing my sit-down-business because boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. I've just finished the dirty work and I'm about to perform my ablutions, but I delay it because it's a "paid to shit" thing, dicking around on reddit a bit. At this point I feel something jump onto my balls. Something I had never hoped I would ever experience, let alone talk about on the internet. &#x200B; I shriek. Not a barbarian shriek. Not a viking shriek. Psycho-Shower-Scene shriek. &#x200B; A huntsman spider has crawled out of the toilet bowl and jumped onto my low hanging fruit. &#x200B; I bat the spider off, smacking myself in the nuts, keel over in pain. &#x200B; Spider dead. Good news. &#x200B; My banshee wail has not gone unanswered. Bad news. &#x200B; Someone comes into the bathroom and knocks on the stall door. "Mate are you alright? Have you fallen over? I'll call an ambulance." &#x200B; "NO. FINE. EVERYTHING. IS. GOOD. JUST SLIPPED. FINE. NO NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE. YOU CAN LEAVE NOW." &#x200B; I flush the world's smallest sexual predator to try and retain some of my inner pride, wash my hands, and make the very VERY long walk back to my desk. &#x200B; My manager's desk isn't too far from the bathrooms, and he comes up to me afterwards. &#x200B; "What happened in there, is everyone alright?" &#x200B; "Yeah... Everyone's... FINE." &#x200B; &#x200B; And then I make the dumbest deciscion of my life, and explain to him what had happened. And the audacity of the man; he LAUGHS. He laughs so hard he has to sit down so he doesn't hurt himself. &#x200B; His hyena/kookaburra hybrid laughter has gotten the attention of some of the other members of my team. They're looking to get in on the funny, funny joke. &#x200B; Bossman wheezes "GET... GET HIM TO... TELL THEM HOLY SHIT" &#x200B; And because I'm incredibly susceptible to peer pressure, I tell them. Like a fucking gimp. &#x200B; I'm gonna skip past most of the laughter because it went on for what felt like forever. &#x200B; I come back from lunch, and Bossman and two other members of my team come up to me as I'm sitting back down at my desk getting ready to get back to work. Bossman is holding a piece of paper. &#x200B; "Look. We need to have a chat about something. I've brought two of your friends in the team as support since this is obviously not something that's easy to talk about." &#x200B; I am confused. &#x200B; "I have a blank HR report here. I'll need you to fill this out. You confided into me that you were sexually harassed in the workplace and it's my duty of care to make sure the 'POOPITRATOR' is brought to justice. Under the space where it says 'which hand did they assault you with', just put x8. We understand this is a traumatic experience for you and I just want you to know that every resource we have is here for you." &#x200B; &#x200B; TL;DR I need to fake my own death because I screamed when a spider jumped on my balls while I was on the toilet.

Mate, it was a huntsman. They aren't small spiders. Unless it was a baby one. If a fuill-sized huntsman jumped on my nuts, I'd be screaming bloody murder as well. You're good mate. Spider-taint, spider-taint, slap your balls and make you faint...

Girlfriend was about to take a shower, and was seriously getting her hustle on getting out of her kit. She was making proper fucking haste for the tub, and I realised that all her defences were down. Note: in my household, bare asses are hunted down and terminated with EXTREME prejudice. I went for the Mother of All Ass Slaps. It was completely undefended territory, and I was intending to create a masterpiece. I was aiming for that initial dull *thwack* and the resultant perfect, satisfying vibrato, complete with concentric assflesh ripples *à la* that glass of water in Jurassic Park. I made contact, and immediately discovered the reason for her hurry. My girlfriend was on the second day of her period. I learned the term ‘arterial spray’ from Dexter, and have now found its southern companion. I was reeling. She was reeling. Did I say ‘Bloody Mary’ three times in the mirror before spanking dat ass? I couldn’t remember. Fortunately, its trajectory as such was so that most of the menstruation creation spattered handily in the bathtub – including The Clot: a penny-sized curd of uterine lining best visually described as Gumby’s aborted cousin. Unfortunately, our bathmat did not escape entirely unharmed. Its cleaning was immediately and firmly relegated to ‘boyfriend work’. By the way, has anyone seen The Thing (1982)? Good movie. Tl;dr: slapped dat ass as my girlfriend made a beeline for the shower; blood. So much blood.

If my ass could be slapped so hard that my period ends in one gush, I'll bend over on day one and wait for it.

This all started earlier tonight when I replied to one of his posts, calling him out for frequently lying (as so many politicians are wont to do) and capping it off by calling him a traitor. We then had a brief back and forth and he laid down the challenge. He wants us to go at it either in a ring or in a dojo. I told him to message me before he gets here so we can actually make this happen. I’m not sure if I’m in over my head or not but I’m not about to back down. I have a surface-level amount of training from my time in the infantry and in law enforcement but he has a similar background. While I highly doubt he will follow through, I better start legitimately training just in case. Never in a million years did I think he’d respond let alone challenge me to an actual fisticuffs like we’re in the 1800’s but here we are. I can provide redacted screenshots in the comments for proof if mods allow it or I can provide them with screenshots if they want to verify. TL;DR - I pissed off a sitting U.S. Congressman enough that he challenged me to fight him in 2022 and I accepted. EDIT: Welp, this blew up. Just woke up. I will read through all comments as time allows today and reply where I can. I just posted a couple of redacted screenshots in the comments. Thanks for the encouragement, fellow Americans and random fellow humans around the world. EDIT 2: As usual, internet sleuths have figured it out. The congressman is Clay Higgins. Do your thing, internet. Maybe we can find a way to use this to raise money for charity even if he backs down. PR folks, message me. Not sure how to proceed but I’m willing to train and make this happen for a good cause. EDIT 3: Here’s a quick update: I have had a couple of PR folks and trainers reach out to me and we will see where all of this goes. Realistically, I suspect Clay will continue to ignore all this as numerous people mentioned that is his MO and apparently this isn’t his first time challenging people to a fight on social media. But I will train anyway as it’ll be fun and good for me. For those who were wondering, I was a Republican until around 2012 when I shifted left of center a bit and became an independent. I joined the Democratic Party in 2020. I hope someday the GOP shifts back toward moderate but I won’t hold my breath. We really need more Adam Kinzinger’s in that party. Anyway, it’s going to take *days* to read through these comments and reply to some so bear with me. Thanks for the support.

He won’t go to Alaska. Bring the fight to him. This would be a great gofundme opportunity. Attend his public events and call him chicken. Have posters made up in old time boxing clothes. You could help to bring down a congressman.