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Oguzz07

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Standard – this did not happen today. Actually a few years back. So, when my then gf and I started dating, I discovered early on that she can be quite physical. In the sense that she likes to push, hold, punch even. Bare in mind she is not actually trying to hurt me, she is just playful like that. I found this both adorable and fun, so I played along. And here is the fuck up… If she pushed me, I would act like I had to balance myself, or if the bed/sofa was nearby I would fall onto it. If she held me, I would pretend that it was difficult for me to get out of her grip. If I pushed her and she resisted, I would pretend it was hard work, same with me holding her arms etc. You get the idea. I always assumed she knew I was playing along and not actually physically straining myself to compete with her strength. This went on for months. One day, we were chilling on the sofa, watching a show when I realised, I was running late to meet some friends. I told her I need to shower and make a move, she decided this was a good time for a playfight. She sat on top of me to pin my arms under her knees. I played along and “struggled” to move her off me. A little more ‘wrestling’ took place, with me playing along like I do. Then I told her I really need to make a move. She was not done and continued to hold/push me back onto the sofa. Eventually I decided I need to ‘win’ this little fight and get going. So, I got her onto her back, held her hands near her head and leant down to kiss her on the cheeks a few times and let her know again that I am running late. She tried to move her arms and could not. Whilst struggling she grunted out. ‘Why are you so strong today.’ I laughed (fuck up No2) and looked at her like she was joking. Her eyes went wide with comprehension and she stopped struggling. ‘You are always this strong?’ She asked, almost to herself. ‘Come on babe, you did not really think we are of equal strength, did you?’ I replied. I then went to take a shower, got ready and as I was heading out the door, I noticed that she might have been a little glum. Me, being fully aware that I do not fully comprehend the mystery of female emotions, had no clue why she was upset. I did what all men do, I guessed. I gave her a kiss and said I won’t be gone for long and that I can pick up her favourite Chinese on the way back. I assumed she was upset about me not spending the afternoon with her. No reply. Fuck up No3 – I should have spent some time talking it through. I instead went on my merry way and had a great fucking time with my friends. She spent the next few hours brewing, simmering, seething, and of course overthinking. I came home with the Chinese and as soon as I put it down on the dining table, she sprung out of the corner and attacked me. It genuinely surprised me and I reacted by bear hugging her to my chest. She struggled with more force than she normally would and I just held her, I kept asking what was wrong. She gritted her teeth and said. ‘You lied to me.’ Eventually she stopped trying to fight me and I let her go. She then told me how she feels like I lied to her about our ‘fights’ and that really all the time I was laughing at her in my head as I pretended that she was actually winning. I tried to take the conversation seriously, but come on, how the fuck am I supposed to take this seriously. So I may have been somewhat mocking, flirting, and generally being an arse about the whole thing. A week later she broke up with me. FML TL;DR I pretended my girlfriend and I we were of equal strength. Edit 1. Haha this got a lot more attention than I was expecting! Firstly, there's a lot of she's so "stupid", "crazy" "insane" etc...it's a bit mean. Yeah, she reacted errmm drastically but overall she is a good person. Secondly, it's shocking how polarizing the comments are. There's a lot of comments along the lines of "How the fuck did she not know" and honestly loads of comments from both guys and girls about how girls can be surprised when they first realise the difference in raw strength. Big shout out to [u/starbrightstar](https://www.reddit.com/u/starbrightstar) for her comment. It's one of the top comments, and rightly so.

Thanks for the relationship advice. Next time a girl play fights with me, I’m just going to suplex her through a table. No more lies.

So, as I was making myself breakfast this morning, I for some reason started wondering what would happen if I touched one of the glowing wires inside the toaster while it was on. Being the very intelligent man I am, I of course did not want to touch it with my bare hands. I instead took a fork out of the drawer and without thinking, sticked it right into the toaster. A small bolt of electricity shot up from the toaster and the toaster shut itself off. The worst part is, I still didn't realize what I had actually just done. I just thought, "uh huh, whatever" and put the fork back into the drawer. As I grabbed the bread it clicked on me that there is a current running through the wires and that I had almost electrocuted myself. Maybe I was saved by my other hand not being on the dishwashing table, which is made of metal. If I had been leaning against the tabletop to reach the toaster better, I would have gotten an electric shock. I haven't told anyone yet, and I don't think I will. Tl;dr: Curiosity almost killed the cat.

​ >I haven't told anyone yet, and I don't think I will. *May* be the smartest thing you do today.

TIFU by showering with my boyfriend and almost passing out from shit fumes This happened an hour ago, currently relaxing in bed with the boyfriend. Because we work together we come home together, and neither wants to wait their turn so we've decided why not just take showers together, plus it saves water, apparently. We are not cheap, just saying. Today was all the same. Wake up, go to work, come home, and shower. But not even military training would've prepared me for what was about to unfold. My sweet himbo of a boyfriend is lactose intolerant. He does not care and continues to eat lactose and has the most gut-wrenching, eye tearing, vomit-inducing poops, and farts. Today it was a coworker's goodbye party and she brought a tres leches cake, which is a 3 milk cake. And him being the clueless man that would trade me for cake, he takes a HUGE piece. And it hit him hard. It hit him while we were showering. Most of us know that in the shower the smell after you fart is so much more intense. Now, this is where shit happens, literally. After being under the shower for about 5 or more minutes the tiny bathroom is filled with steam and my boyfriend while shampooing my hair exclaims loudly and lets out the longest, loudest stinkiest fart that I've ever had displeasure of experiencing and runs to the toilet, holding his ass. You would think someone was cutting trees with a chainsaw because holy shit it was so loud my mouth dropped and I could TASTE the disgusting gas that was once a tasty tres leches cake. I started heaving and gagging which became worse after this huge man nestled on a tiny toilet dropped what you would think was a nuclear bomb. It was: Wet, loud, and smelly to the point of me almost throwing up on the spot. I instead rushed to the sink that was right next to the toilet that I kind of felt bad for, and started just projectile vomiting my breakfast, lunch, and the tres leches cake that will be gone but not forgotten. Every time I inhaled, the absolute nuclear shit fumes hit me like an 8 wheeler and I kept vomiting harder and harder. This whole fiasco ended up in me almost passing out and my poor boyfriend who couldn't stop shitting his absolute blood, sweat, and tears out could not do much to help except shit more. And more. We ended up taking separate cold showers and airing out the windowless bathroom by opening the bathroom door and the front door which gave us weird looks but I'd rather not die and have "Death by poot" on my gravestone. EDIT: Oh my God! I didn't expect this to blow up the way it did. The fart beast is now considering Lactaid... or a cork. Thank you for the awards! We are both doing great! And to the people saying he's rude or inconsiderate or farting in front of each other is gross, we are doing great in terms of our relationship and each other and have been talking about marriage. TL;DR: Me and my lactose-intolerant boyfriend took a shower together after he ate a milk cake at work and him shitting his soul out almost made me pass out.

Does he want to borrow my username for a bit?

This FU occurs after a recent innovation in the bedroom. Coconut oil. It’s great! It’s solid until it’s on your skin and then it’s a wonderful long lasting lubricant that tastes delicious, and is easy to clean up afterward. It’s been my go too with my partner for a few months now whenever I’m down on that ass. What is the FU you ask? Me and my coconut oil loving partner decided on a Thai food double date. My partner orders a bowl of coconut curry. I get some fried rice. See where this is going yet? She offers me a bite of her curry, I accept. Instant Boner. The curry tastes just like I’m going to town on her booty. Coconut oil heaven. So there I am, rock hard, sitting at a table with our best friends. Doing my best to hide my extremely inappropriate physical reaction to an otherwise perfectly delicious but decidedly not sexy coconut curry. My partner thinks this is wonderful. 🥥🍆 TLDR: Ive Pavlov’d myself into getting a boner whenever I taste coconut.

I don’t like that place man, their coconut curry tastes like ass

This happened a few weeks ago. My ~6 year old son came running in to my home office the other day and said, demandingly, "Dad! Kick me!" So I did. Hear me out, please. The kick was a 3/10 on firmness. Not gentle, but not painful. He's a kid, he likes to play fight, and as he's an only child, I feel like I need to provide a bit of rough and tumble so that he can learn boundaries. I also want him to "lose some battles", and to learn to "roll with the punches". Anyway... I performed a front kick whilst making the Bruce Lee Noise. I trust that you know the one. My son recoiled. He looked shocked, sad and disappointed, all rolled into one. He didn't cry,, but it was close. He blurted out "I said KISS Me!!!" Oops! TLDR; I misheard my son, which resulted in me kicking him.

At least you didnt body slam him like the dude the other day

So a few weeks ago I woke up to a wonderful suprise. My roommate made me an omelette and brought it to me at my desk. I was really happy that they went out of their way to cook for me. However when I took a bite I was in for a suprise. It was a cold omelette with horseradish Swiss cheese, sour raisins, and prunes. It was... disturbingly gross. I couldn't even swallow one bite. I really couldn't eat it. Later in the day, my roommate came by to ask how it was. I was mostly distracted with work so I just said that I was thankful he cooked for me. Because he doesn't cook a lot, I thought that I wouldn't have to address the abomination and we'd just go back to usual. Well... He took the positive encouragement and has started expirementing with all kinds of wierd flavour combinations. This morning I woke up to a garlic, cheese, and dried cranberries omelette and it was even worse than the first. I feel like I'm in too deep at this point. I don't have the heart to tell him that I don't like even like omelettes. I like plain scrambled eggs. Tl;Dr- My roommate made gross food. I thought it was a one time thing so I gave positive feedback. Now my life is wierd wierd omelettes. Edit: holy cow. This blew up. Just sending love and good vibes to all. May all your food be tasty, and all your roommates be as nice as mine, but may they be much much much better cooks. Update: for everyone offering advice, the plan is definitely to communicate that this combination is ... heinous, but in a nice and respectful way. I'm sure they would appreciate knowing what I actually like so that their effort is edible AND a really nice thing Final update: we spoke, next day he made a plain egg for me. And I made tacos for both of us. So wins for all.

I think there’s a legitimate chance your roommate is screwing with you and wants to see how many horrifying dishes they can make before you crack and tell them to stop.

Obligatory "this happened two days ago." I had been together with my girlfriend for almost 4 years. I proposed to her about a month ago, she said yes, and we were incredibly happy! Or so I thought. About 3 weeks after our proposal, I notice she starts acting different. Not having sex with me, looking away/down when we kiss. She had also been spending way too much time (at least 4 days of M-F each week) with her coworkers drinking beer after work, driving home drunk, and often pretty late. I went to a few of these gatherings but didn't really enjoy getting slammed on a monday night when I have work the next day, so I often opted out. We would also share our google location with each other at all times. Mostly because she traveled to sketchy places for work, and I would regularly go on trails, so it helped each of us know the other was safe. I looked at her location one day and it was turned off. I texted her about it and she said that she kept receiving notifications about it so she had turned it off. Hadn't been a problem for the past year. She turned it back on, and it was off again the next day. She also had two phones, a personal and a work phone, which she would keep both with her at all times. I only had the location for the personal phone. Eventually she stopped using her personal phone and only used the work phone. Two days ago, about a month after the proposal, I decided to snoop because my suspicion was at it's highest, and I just wanted to put it to rest. I used her computer to log into her gmail account and looked at her timeline. She had been going to an address across town about 10 times in the past two weeks. I called her immediately because she said she was at the office finishing up some work that was due the next day. She said she was at work, but leaving to go to the grocery store, which she then did. I waited until she got home and confronted her about it. She said she had been meeting a guy from work just to talk and hang out, but she didn't want to tell me because she thought I would get mad. Turns out, she met him for the first time about 2 days after the proposal, and started seeing him at his house within that week. I kept prying, asking her more questions, she told me they had only kissed twice, then it turned into they had made out, and she denied every accusation of sleeping with him every time I asked. The next day when I got home from work, I asked to see her phone to read the messages between the two of them. She said she deleted them. So I said I wanted to look at it anyways, just to be sure. I started recovering the data from the last backup. She sat down beside me while I was doing it, and asked what I was doing. I told her, and the look of panic in her face was real! So she starts talking about feelings and all this other crap while the phone is recovering. I asked her one last time, "before I look at this, is there anything you want to tell me?" She was silent. I asked flat out "did you sleep with him?" and she said yes. Turns out that she met with him almost every day, starting about 8 days after the proposal and had sex with him most of those. Funny enough, the data recovery didn't even work. So that's a win I guess. Planning on moving my stuff out later this week to a new place. Havn't told her yet. Still can't believe she started cheating on me less than two weeks after she said yes to my proposal, and even more so with someone she met a few days after the proposal. Feels shitty but I'm keeping my head up. TLDR; TIFU by looking at my fiances location history and found out she started sleeping with another guy less than two weeks after she said yes to my proposal. It has been one month since the proposal now. Edit: Wow! Thank you all for the encouraging comments! They help so much more than I would've thought. Some of these really got to me, and reading that I should've posted this as a lifeprotip made me laugh. Most if all, it helped me confirm that it was not a FU on my part, but actually a gift that it happened so early. Thank you all, so much! Going to read through and respond to as many as I can. Edit 2: I know that this post was meant to be posted in another sub, but thank you for being kind, and not focusing in on that aspect haha

Tbh I don't think this is a tifu. Sounds like you dodged a bullet, no matter how hard/shitty it feels at the moment.

Obligatory - not today. This was about 10 years ago. I started doing stand up when I was in the army - in Afghanistan, actually. I started telling stories around the fire at night, but eventually started doing "shows" in the chow hall or during talent shows if we were on a bigger base at the time. It wasn't uncommon for me to do so badly that I lost people during these shows; I even had a platoon opt to go on patrol early rather than watch my whole set. I was less fun than possibly dying. I wanted to get better, so I ordered a book and started working on trying to improve crowd work (talking to the audience) and being more physical. I figured if I could make the interpreters laugh with the language barrier, I'd be on my way to being a better comic. During our next patrol, we detained several suspected Taliban fighters. We needed to keep them on our base until they could get picked up by Intel people, so we needed to watch them for 2 days. I thought the idea of a literal captive audience was too good to pass up and basically tried to do crowd work and run bits by them in an incredibly animated manner. Imagine Sebastian Maniscalco, but 2 months into comedy. I volunteered for as many guard duty shifts as I could. I'd try jokes, I'd ask for their names and where they were from, jobs, e.t.c. anything I could try to make a joke about. Never a single laugh. Eventually, they got picked up and apparently one complained about my jokes specifically. I ended up getting a stern talking to for "unconventional interrogation" because I kept asking where they were from and what they did and had to explain that I was so bored and desperate to get better at comedy that I almost inadvertently committed a war crime. TL;DR: I performed stand up comedy for detained Taliban members that went so badly they accused me of war crimes. Got a stern talking to for that.

"I was less funny than possibly dying" That hurts man

This fuck up started 6 years ago when I met my wife’s parents for the first time. Thought I had been determined to make a great first impression, ma and pa weren’t thrilled about their country girl being stolen away from them by a city boy. Conversation was stiffer than John Mayer’s penis at 4 am on a friday night, but somehow it veered into the French category. I think we were talking about the civil war. Ma stated she’d always wanted to learn the language. I thought I’d win her over by telling a joke: ”A few years ago I didn’t speak any french, but now I can speak fluently - apparently it is parler liquide” Well, they didn’t quite catch my wit, apperently speaking neither french nor sarcasm. Before this, they’d been cold to me at best, but now they were treating me like I was the queen of france - before the revolution. At first, I thought they simply loved my joke. Ooh-ing and aah-ing. Asking me to speak more french. Weird, I thought, since the joke wasn’t that funny, but maybe it was their cup of tea? Glass of wine? Jokes about french maybe was their thing. I proceeded to recite the only other french joke I know: A cat named 1-2-3 and another one named un, deux, trois were crossing a river. One made it avross. Which one? 1, 2, 3 because un, deux, trois, **cat**-re sinq. They loved that one too. Looking back on it, they didn’t understand it at all. When they started asking me about where I learn it, how long it took, if I’d be willing to teach them, it dawned on me. It being the first time meeting my wife’s family, me fearing the awkward, and her dad looking like he chops trees with his bare hands, I made the split second decision to lie. And lied I have these past 6 years. My relationship with my wife’s parents has grown steady. I’ve spent far more time with them than I ever anticipated. I would have been comfortable coming clean to them, had it not been for the fact that the frenchness is my entire identity, my being, my worth to them now. I have become a caricature. Fearing they’d suspect otherwise, I way overdid it early on which means I’ve had to keep it up at express pace this entire time. My wife thinks it’s hilarious, which is why she hasn’t said anything, and the lie has gone on far too long for me to say anything. Every christmas the family gets together and I gift them french wines, despite never having been there. I sometimes say ’merde’ after intentionally dropping something infront of them and I even learned how to make baguettes. I occasionally wear a beret and they love me for it. So much so that they decided to invite the entire family to Paris for their 30th anniversary next year (after the pandemic). They’re so excited and they’re talking about how I can translate for them and ”take them places only locals would know off” and how I’ve ”inspired them to finally visit France”. My wife’s parents are no wealthy people, it is a grand gesture from them paying for my vacation to Europe. I know I’ve got to tell them. I can’t back out of it, my wife would kill me. And I can’t wait for them to find out in France, my wife would kill me. It’s so frustrating because it’s such a small fuck up that has built up to this tremendous thing over the past few years. I have no idea what will happen once they know, but I’m not eager to find out. TL;DR: Wife’s parents didn’t understand a joke, thought I spoke french. Me being afraid of awkwardness, doubled down and became über-french despite speaking no french at all. Now they’re taking me to real french people and I am screwed.

Sounds like you have a year to learn french, OP. Bonne chance.

Obligatory wasn't today, this happened a couple months back. My brother and I have always had a long-standing agreement that in the event of hospitalization, the other one would try to convince the hospitalized - by any means necessary - that the world ended (coming from the idea of waking up from a coma to find out you slept through the apocalypse, etc). This agreement was about 14/15 years ago, but we reference it quite often, so I was convinced he still remembered. A couple months back, my brother was admitted to the hospital initially for intense stomach pains but eventually found what my dad describes as "an absolute fuck ton of kidney stones". Eventually he got out, but the stents he had to pull through his urethra snapped, and he was admitted again. I got home this time because my mom made it sound far worse than it actually was. I decided to take this opportunity to enact our agreement. Near the hospital is a really run down quarry-looking place. There's a bunch of rusted old metal shit everywhere, and a really ominous little cement shack which, to this day, no one in town really knows what it's for. So I went out and filmed a video basically along the lines of "[brother's name], if you're watching this, I'm already dead. Everyone on the world pretty much is. It's been about eight months since you went to [hospital name]. You need to head for the safe haven in Helsinki (we live in western Canada) - mom might be there. God speed." I managed to sync it up to the TV and woke him up as it was starting. This is where it all goes to complete shit. My brother began to lose it immediately. He started freaking out, screaming, basically got up, put on his clothes, and noped out into the hallway. I grabbed him to calm him down, which he eventually did. Nurses came in and I was ejected from the hospital for causing a disturbance (rightfully so). He got out a couple days later, and we've been laughing about it ever since. My mom won't talk to me and told me to just fuck off back home. My dad thinks it's funny but won't laugh about it in front of my mom. I'm no longer welcome at a hospital unless it's an emergency. I've also been kicked out of a family vacation. Worth the wait though. tl;dr: Convinced my hospitalized brother the world ended via video, pissed off my mom and got banned from a hospital EDIT: Wow this blew up?! I don't have a ton of time but: 1) I don't want to upload the video. I made it sound tamer than it was, I look, sound, and say completely batshit stuff on this video and definitely don't want to be associated with it xD 2) The TVs in the hospital had HDMI ports. I just plugged it into my Chromebook. 3) I can see why people say I made this up for karma, but I didn't create a throwaway to do that. If I cared that much, I would've posted it on my main account. 4) My mom has a genetic tendency to overreact. She hasn't been happy with me moving (western Canada to the maritimes, bitching about abandoning the family, etc), so this was probably going to happen regardless. She paid for it though and can't get a refund for my ticket so it's not my problem.

The end of The Walking Dead: Rick finds himself back at the hospital bed were he awoke from the coma and Shane jumps out saying "It was all a prank bro!"

Obligatory "this didn't happen today". Well, actually I guess it's happening right now. Today is the Internet Wide Day of Action to Save Net Neutrality, and /r/TIFU is participating. We support a free and open Internet, so today we have restricted the submissions to this subreddit to give you a feel of what it might look like if net neutrality is ended. Here are some links for further reading about net neutrality: https://www.battleforthenet.com/july12/ https://www.fightforthefuture.org/ ELI5: https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/2443jw/eli5_what_is_net_neutrality_and_why_is_it_so/ ELI5: https://www.reddit.com/r/explainlikeimfive/comments/1v75up/eli5_us_appeals_court_kills_net_neutrality_how/ Video: https://youtu.be/l6UZUhRdD6U If you live in the US, you can contact your government representatives here: https://www.senate.gov/senators/contact/ http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/ You can also contact your state's Public Utilities Commission: https://www.google.com/#q=public+utilities+commission

Title should probably say TIFU by allowing net neutrality to end

So this actually happened yesterday, and I'm still shaken up over it. My boyfriend and I decided to visit Zapata Falls in Colorado after taking a social distance Covid style road trip. We saw the waterfall and it was magnificent. There were tons of people (few of whom wore masks) so we ventured in a side direction. I noticed a very climb-able ridge and trying to be spontaneous I began to climb. Well, after a few minutes I was having trouble finding my footing and looked down to see it would be near impossible to descend. Cue the panicked calls for the boyfriend, who came up after me and told me we needed to get to the top since it would be safer. I'll note at this point it looked like the top wasn't too far off. Spoiler: we were wrong. As we began our ascent I tried not to look down or up as it became apparent this wasnt just a small ledge that would lead to the top of the fall. Nope, we were free climbing a mountain. After about half an hour I was panicked. My feet slid at every attempt upwards and I heard the loose rocks I disturbed tumble off. We called 911 from a small flat ledge where we could sit down. The operator was great and told us if we weren't hurt and could make it to the top, there was a trail. That was encouraging enough to press on. In time we came to the top. I clung to the jagged rock as wind raced past while my boyfriend looked for the path. We began to spiral down the mountain, walking diagonally still looking for this trail. Long story short, we never found the trail and we spent hours slowly getting to the bottom. At one point the ground slid and I skinned my leg on a tree trunk, but all things considered we made it down with minimal injuries. From there we walked towards the sound of water and soon voices came into the mix, distant but clear. Thankfully we pinned where we parked and used a compass and map of the location to get us to safety. I cried like a baby when we got to the car. Today I woke up feeling sore in every fiber of my being but super grateful to be alive. Tl;dr: Thought I was climbing a path to see the top of a waterfall, ended up free climbing a mountain and spent 6+ hours trying to navigate out of that situation. Special thanks to TJ the 911 operator who calmed me down enough to make it to the top without incurring an expensive helicopter rescue fee. Edit 1: I am BLOWN AWAY by how this has taken off. I'm still en route but wanted to note a few things. 1. I have read comments that clarified I did not free climb but instead free soloed. I know nothing of climbing (clearly) and am grateful for the education. I'm leaving it just to further show my climbing ignorance. 2. Regarding that ignorance... I fully agree this was a dumbass thing to do. I should have stayed on the trail. I endangered myself, my boyfriend and any possible SAR that would need to save my tourist ass. I am not normally this person and I will act accordingly in the future. 3. For those who are posting kind words and encouragement thank you. I fully acknowledge that I fucked up and am trying to make the best of it. I did learn a lesson and ultimately I am trying to be gentle with myself as we all make mistakes. Thank you for your empathy. Edit 2: I got in late last night but uploaded a video of the initial climb (super grainy don't know why) and a drawn route. In the video we thought that tall rock ahead was the top. It was not. Thank you to all the people who did remind me to stay on the trail out of respect for the park, myself and others. I wholeheartedly agree. Without further ado... Accidental Mountain Climb https://imgur.com/gallery/NK30iuC

*after a few minutes I was having trouble finding my footing and looked down to see it would be near impossible to descend* No no no no no

Yesterday I ate the ends of a chicken wing. Someone told me the ends were crunchy, like pork crackling, so I tried it out. I never expected this to happen. I must not have chewed one properly. I got something lodged in my throat. To dislodge it I ate some bread and drank some softdrink. Some pain persisted but I went to sleep last night hoping it'd be fine in the morning. This morning I woke with tremendous pain in my throat and chest. I walked to the public hospital down the road because I was starting to worry. The GP noticed I had a "crunchy throat" when pressing on it. He immediately sent me off to get an Xray. That showed I have a perforated esophagus. That is, the tube from my mouth to my stomach has been punctured. The "crunchy" feeling was air that had shifted into parts of my neck it shouldn't be. To get more information I started reading a journal on the condition and how to treat it. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3219576/ They consider it a critical medical condition with a 20% chance of mortality. It's so rare that its incedent rate is 3.1/1 million people. A few random doctors even asked if they could feel my neck to experience the crunchy feeling. They said they'd read about it in textbooks, but you never see it. Now I'm waiting on the results of the CT Scan which will determine whether I get surgery or just have to fast for a few days while my body fixes it. If I'd waited over 24hrs there would be a much higher risk. TL;DR: I ate the ends off a chicken wing and now I'm in hospital with a critical condition with a 20% mortality rate. **Update:** A surgeon just spoke to me. I have to be nil-by-mouth for 7 days to help my body heal the holes in the throat and chest areas of my esophagus. They don't expect me to need surgery so that's a plus. **Update 2:** The main surgeon just spoke to me. I'll be here at least 7 days, even if the pain goes away. The critical problem is non-sterile air has passed through the hole and entered a vulnerable area that must be sterile. So I can't eat or drink to reduce the risk of that area getting infected and I need to wait until the air is absorbed by the tissue. **Update 3:** I had a tube pushed into my arm, through a vein, all the way to the top of my heart. It's called a PICC. It's how I'll be eating and drinking over the next week. **Update 4:** I'm out now and everything seems to be fine! I have another check up on the 11th of December to confirm.

Jesus Christ, get well soon friendo

I had the most vivid sex dream the other day. The kinda dream no one would want to wake up from. I was one of the founding members of the X-Men, and I was balls deep in mutant pussy. So, fucking was literally my superpower. I could cure the sick with my cum. Humans and mutants alike flocked to my cock. Including the members of the X-Men. So, in this dream, I was fucking Blink and Jubilee. Sparks were flying in the bedroom. I mean, damn. I never really gave a fuck about these characters in real life. But deep down in dreamland, I gave *all* the fucks. I experienced the most explosive orgasm. I woke up at that moment. Oof. I was in the gawd damn plane that time with a string of saliva drooling down my chin, a visible buldge, and jizz stains seeping through my pants. I'm not hung like a horse or some shit, but boners are fucking hard to hide sometimes. Especially if you're wearing loose pants. I locked eyes with the passenger next to me. She wasted no time handing me one of her pillows to place over my penis. It had the words "Best Mom Ever" on the pillow case. *Of course it had*. At that point I realized life was pulling out all the fucking stops. I was too embarrassed to really speak, but I managed to squeeze out an awkward thank you to the passenger. She shook her head as if to say "don't mention it". And then she said this fucking shit: "Don't worry, you've said enough in your sleep" "I'm sorry?" "I have a son who's also into X-Men" **Words that will haunt me for the rest of my days.** *Edit: Appreciate the Silver & Gold! Last time I checked I had like 5 comments and 3 upvotes. This, I did not see coming. Thanks for all the responses, from the believers to the none believers, you're all equally entertaining! For those of you asking for photos of the pillow, once I got off the plane, I snatched my bags and rushed to the nearest bathroom, where I changed pants. Once I did that, I tossed the pillow in the trash. An Uber was waiting to take me straight to my new job. No fucking way was I gonna bring a "best mom ever" pillow into the new office. This fuck up needs no sequel.* *TL;DR I came on a plane with the utmost shame.*

That fucking hurts my soul

Okay so you're probably wondering what the fuck that title is. Not more than 30 minutes ago I received a new match on Tinder (yay!). She was cute so I sent her a message saying hi and we talked for a bit and then I got her snap. On Snapchat she asks if I wanted to play truth or dare and being the horndog that I am I agreed. The questions were innocent enough at first, but then I dared her to send her most recent picture in her camera roll. It was her cleavage (score). In that moment I knew I had succeeded in my dick's desire. I picked dare next because she picked dare. Her dare was to put toothpaste on my dick. Now, I'm not proud of this but I wasn't super against it at first. I called her out for just trying to see my dick by putting a funny spin on it. I decided to video call her on Snapchat and she watched me pull out my dick and such. I then said that was enough and I didn't wan't to rub toothpaste on my dick but she insisted she would send nudes if I did. So, I squeezed out some toothpaste, rubbed that bad boy on my cock, and sent a pic to the girl. Not two seconds later I check and she unadded me on snap and unmatched with me on Tinder. Hoes really be out here getting guys to rub toothpaste on their dicks and leave. Now I'm stuck with a stinging cock and some blue balls. TLDR: Rubbed toothpaste on my dick and sent it to a girl for a dare and she ghosted me

9/10 dentists recommend Oral-B for the most satisfying oral.

TL;DR I was holding on to a lot of trauma, and the emotion came pouring out. She had pre-eclampsia, which is not totally rare. But she only exhibited a headache and none of the other features until her blood pressure shot through the roof. He was born shortly after we were admitted to the hospital and while it was the happiest day of my life I haven’t really had the chance to fully deal with the trauma of walking into a hospital thinking my pregnant wife would get a shot to quell a headache, only to haven’t to confront the reality of possibly walking out alone. I chose not to focus on any of that. Instead, I put my head down and concentrated on the things we could control. He was in the NICU for several weeks and everyday we had to be strong parents for our son fighting for his life. And of course, once he graduated from the NICU we suddenly had a baby to turn into a full-grown human. The lack of sleep is real. Plus, post-partum and the grief of not experiencing the full-term has been very difficult for my wife. Meanwhile, I’m a freelance artist who has been getting a lot of work recently after a VERY dry few months. Basically, I’ve had absolutely no time to slow down and think about everything. This was a transcontinental flight. He was marvelous. Slept almost the whole way, even after our flight was delayed for 7 hours and we spent the entire day at the airport. My wife had held him most of the flight while I caught up on some work. But when her back was aching I took him and I looked for something to watch. I didn’t want anything too stressful and I thought, “Finding Nemo has that Thomas Newman score and the blue and orange will be soothing.” I had completely forgotten about the beginning. Really, really dumb. But I couldn’t turn it off. Even as the snot out-volumed the tears. In a sense, it was like an ice bath—at first, it stabbed me like a thousand knives but once I relaxed and let it wash over me, I felt that part of me begin to heal. We’re both starting therapy because we have a man to make and we can’t be good parents without being ones who are as healthy as possible. This is just the beginning as a parent. But, I can’t help but think that maybe ‘Finding Nemo’ helped me figure out just how much I’d been holding inside. Which, is coincidentally kinda the whole point of the film: letting go. EDIT: I just woke up and when I sat down to feed him his morning bottle I realized my phone was going crazy. This is crazy. I can’t believe how much this has blown up! Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. I cannot adequately express how much that means to us. Also, to answer a little bit of a fair question, this is a FU because I didn’t really choose the right venue for this, or stop to think that Pixar is pretty much synonymous with sobbing. Planes already heighten our insecurities so choosing a film that will surely make me cry in that environment was not a great choice.

Babies do all kinds of stuff to your brain, sleep deprivation can literally make you crazy, and travel is another stress in its own. You guys sound like you're doing great despite a lot of stress and challenge. Sometimes your mind locks out those scary moments for survival. But it is so healthy to deal with that stuff. Just don't watch Bambi yet. Or really any other Disney movie lol they always kill off the family. Congrats on transcontinental travel with an infant. I barely wanted to take mine on a 2-hour car ride. 😆

I don’t live in the US so my native language isn’t English. There are some guys from USA who I talk to while playing GTA on PS. So we were talking, when suddenly one of the guys’ brother came to his room and hit him (not hard tho, you know, brothers) to make him die in the game. It was kinda funny and we were laughing at him and he was laughing too. While everybody were laughing I wanted to say that my brother does it to me too sometimes, so I said like “haha my brother also beats me off sometimes”. So apparently “to beat off” does not mean the same as “to beat”, as you might know. Everybody went silent and I didn’t understand why. Then one of the guys understood what I meant and said “do you even know what beat off means?” and I was like “the same as to hit..?”. So everybody were laughing hard and he explained to me what it actually means. I was embarrassed as fuck and didn’t talk much after it... I feel a little insecure now to talk to them as my English might not be good enough. TL;DR I thought that “to beat off” is the same as “to beat” and the guys were laughing at me Edit: Oh my god, just woke up to this. Thank you guys for the love and awards!

Don’t be insecure, it was a funny mistake, and your English sounds great otherwise. English can be tricky. They weren’t laughing at you for making a mistake, they were laughing at how funny the implication of your mistake was.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a month, and during the first week of us having sex, my boyfriend wanted me to use a dildo on him to stimulate his prostate. While I was stimulating his prostate with the dildo, he started moaning very loud and his body was shaking as though he was getting an electric shock. I thought that he was faking it, but the moment I saw his penis spraying cum all over my room like a fountain, I was impressed. He asked me if I waned to try it, and my dumb ass, who didn't know that I didn't have a prostate, said yes. So yeah, we did anal sex, and he was repeatedly asking me if he was "in the right spot" inside my anus, and my answer was always no. We did some research, but we both would always open a page, and always skip to the "how to" part instead of reading through the introduction and stuff where they'd usually mention that only men have prostates. So basically, we did this for an entire month and I started getting really frustrated because no matter what, we just couldn't find the right spot inside me, whereas my boyfriend would always hit his right spot and sprayed like a fountain all over my room. A very frustrated me, constantly kept searching for results on the internet until this morning, when I finally realised the truth, and how much of an idiot I've been all this time. I swear I don't know who's more of an idiot, me or my boyfriend. Although it's so embarrassing, it's hilarious, and I think on the bright side, atleast my boyfriend had fun having anal sex with me I guess. TL;DR :- Boyfriend's prostate orgasms impressed me, and we both engaged in anal sex for almost a month trying to find and stimulate my prostate.

He knew.

This happened a few years ago and I was living in Zimbabwe at the time, and I was having a pretty bad day, I was going to see my auntie who lived about 400km away from me. If youre african you'll understnad that this was no small journey. So I got in my car and set off and about 3 hours into the journey i came across a Dude by the side of the road who was going in the same direction, so out of the goodness of my heart i said jump in. we go to talking and he happened to be going to exact same village as me and he knew my auntie!. Half an hour passes and we're making polite chit chat and reminiscing about old times in zimbabwe, when all of a sudden he tell me to pull over, so I do. he runs out of the car and starts making wretching noises, so i assume he's throwing up, its dark at this point so i cant really see much, so i go check on him ( first mistake). I get out and go to his side expecting him to be there but he's not.....Then I here someone behind and me and before i know it im unconcious! so I wake up a couple hours later( iknow this becuase the sun was coming up at this point) without my car, clothes or wallet. so im thinking great. i look around and see im on some farmland wearing the giys clothes. SO i start walking in no particular direction and eventually come across a settlement. I explain to them my situation and they tell me that the nearest main road is at least a good half a days walk from where I am and they dont get many cars coming through this part but they heard one last night ( which might be our thief). I start walking in the direction they point me in and after what felt like forever i come acroos a road, so I pitch up and start waiting, ( now i know most of you are thinking why not call someone, i had no phone with me and I dont have the best memory so I didnt know any numbers that would come in handy). after a couple of hours a car stops and lets me hitch I let him know the situaion and he says we're in the complete opposite direction of my intended destination but he's willing to drop me close enough to walk the rest of the way to which I thought great! its takes a good two days to get there and he drops me off and i say my goodbyes to my driver, I take down his number so i can repay him later on. At this point im starting to recoginise my surroundings, I walk for a few miles and as im getting closer to my aunties i can here a lots of singing and what appears to be a large crowd which i though was strange. Im about 100 feet from the house and i see my Son which again i thought was strange because he was meant to be in school at this time, but instead of running to me and hugging me as he normally does...he runs away screaming to my complete bewilderment. I get to the the gate and all of a sudden the large crowd alerted by my sons scream has stopped singing and is stood silent. my wife appears and starts to run towards me hugging and kissing me like Ive been gone for months. My auntie appears and immediately faints when she sees me. I still have no clue whats going on at this point and im exhausted, so we rush to get my auntie inside and I see my picture ontop of a large box that resembles a coffin sitting in the living room.... So it turns out that the guy who robbed me and made off with my car my wallet and all my clothes was in a car crash so bad that they couldnt identify the body and because the only things they could use to identify him was my wallet, they assumed it was me that had died in the crash. since there was no body of sorts they could arrange the funeral preety quickly and that is what I had stumbled upon. My son still has nightmares to this day and and my wife has told me never to pick up a hitch hiker ever again. TL;DR Got carjacked, robber died and family thought it was me, they arrange my funeral and I somehow manage to stumble upon my own funeral.

Holy shit, pizza is here guys! OP delivers

A few weeks ago I flew out to Fresno to visit my younger sister and her family since I havent seen them in 4 years. The first night in town was wonderful and wholesome. They gave me a quick tour of the local sights and we ended up at a local restaurant for a family dinner. The conversation was mostly about family stuff and how the boys were doing in school. The older son ,"Alec", was enjoying thus far his senior year at HS and enjoyed a healthy social life dating often. On the other hand is my nephew "Dan" who does very well academically but has zero game with the ladies. When I pressed him as to why, he admitted he had a hard time approaching them and mostly stuttered and blushed. Alec chimmed in with the fact his brother seemed to fancy more "robust" girls which sent the table laughing with the exception of my sister and Dan. Being the cool uncle I let the matter drop until my sister excused herself to use the ladies room. As she walked away l leaned over and offered a bit of advice from my Marine Corps days. If he liked big then he needed to go to a place where big is not judged. But dont go empty handed. I suggested finding a clothing store that accomodates plus sizes and bring along some snacks as an ice breaker. Now that I think of it I was about 4 coctails into the evening and the snickering coming from my brother in law and nephew should have been an omen of sorts. So the topic dropped after sis returned and that was pretry much my first evening. A few days later it occured to all of us Dan was leaving the house early in the day and was returning much later at night in uncommonly good moods. When his mother inquired he explained about gaming with the friends and so on. I however was not buying it. I pulled him aside and got the truth. The boy explained after some trial and error there was a strip mall in town that had both a chicken shack as well as a reputable plus sized womens clothing store. He would buy a bucket of chicken tenders and eat on the hood of his car chatting up women as they walked by. He met a girl and they had been seeing each other. I was happy I could help and could not believe it actually worked. However things went south. A few days after my return to the east coast I received a very emotional call from my sister. She explained between curses lobbed at me she had went clothing shopping one day and when she went to enter the store there was a "Have you seen this man" flier on the door. It was a grainy surveillance photo of Dan sitting on the hood of his car with a bucket of chicken and a two litre of soda. The flier warned of a man/youth approaching women as they tried to shop and though he had been warned off he still may be a threat. When she confronted the boy he rolled on me and his father played ignorant. Now Dan is grounded until the threat of restraining orders die down and I told I am not invited for Christmas. Poor Dan cant go out to see his new girlfriend and blames me for that as well. TL;DR. I royally fucked up by telling my 17 year old nephew to meet big girls by hanging out in front of womens plus sized stores with food causing him to be forever grounded and causing possible restraining orders, as well as me no longer invited to my sisters.

This kid is going places because only a fucking legend would do that type of shit that takes balls of steel and a heart of gold

I'll admit I haven't been the most attentive husband lately. My wife has told me I need to make more of an effort in our relationship or we would have problems. I've tried really hard to invest in our relationship ever since finding out my wife is not feeling as happy as she should be. This fuck up happened last week. My wife's birthday was coming up. I decided to go big. My wife absolutely loves surprises so I decided to surprise her with a romantic night and lots of flowers and presents. She had to go to work in the morning of her birthday and I had the day off. A lot of time to plan everything out. I decided, being the idiot I am, to pretend that I had forgotten my wife's birthday just to make the surprise, well, even more of a surprise. The plan was as follows: my wife wakes up and I don't mention her birthday. She thinks I've forgotten it. She goes to work and I get everything ready. She comes home in the evening after work and tadaa!! When she opens the door I'll be waiting for her with gifts, flowers dinner and everything romantic I could think of. Sounds like an amazing plan right? WRONG. Nothing special happened in the morning and my wife left for work while I slept in. During the day I got everything ready and apart from mildly messing up the desert everything went great. Then it was time to wait for my wife to return. She was supposed to get home after 4pm. 4.30pm nothing. 5pm still nothing. I was starting to get worried and I texted her where she was. Around 5.30pm she read my message but didn't reply. I called her and she didn't answer. I was starting to get extremely worried and texted her if she was okay. Thats when she replied. She texted me opening up about how she couldn't believe I had forgotten her birthday even after her expressing to me how she had felt neglected in the relationship and wanting me to put in more effort. I, in all my stupidity, still decided to play dumb to make my big surprise work. I told her to just get home so we could talk about it. Big mistake She told me she was done talking and started mentioning divorce. Fuck fuck fuck. Thats when I called her and she still wouldn't answer. Then I panicked and started explaining everything to her by text. I took pictures of all the things I had done around the house, the gifts the flowers the decorations the dinner everything. I just wanted to surprise her that's all I wanted. I tried calling her to no avail. She read my messages and after not getting a reply I just broke and started crying. After what felt like the longest wait of my life my wife comes home. She's crying saying she's sorry. I told her it was my fault and we both just cried holding each other. We spent the night crying and cuddling and eating the dinner I made. She told me it was the best thing she had ever eaten (obviously a lie, it was mediocre at best and already cold). It wasn't the surprise I had hoped to give her, I'm just glad to still be married to her. And yes we are working to fix our relationship. I love this woman with all my heart. I had her permission to share this Tldr: Wanted to surprise my wife for her birthday and pretented to forget her birthday to make the surprise better. She got really upset and started talking about a divorce. I ruined the surprise trying to explain myself and we spent the night of her birthday crying and cuddling. Edit: Wow thank you for the kind words everyone! I can't reply to everyone so I just wanted to say I appreciate it here! For all the concerned people, yes we are getting help and fixing things like I have stated before. I appreciate the concern but with all due respect I'm going to take relationship advice from professionals and not from reddit. It's weird to have people arguing about my relationship when frankly no one knows us or the situation we are in. I just wanted to share this story on here with my wife since we already talked this issue through. Still, reading your personal experiences and what you have gone through is helpful so please do share if you feel like doing so! And to the people messaging me calling my wife horrible things I sincerely want to say, fuck you. Calling me an idiot is justified, calling my wife horrible is not.  Edit2: I'm getting so many comments about this that I've decided to address it here. I commented this before but I'm going to put it here too so people can see it better hopefully. Like some have said I wasn't really thinking about her when doing what I did, I made the whole surprise essentially about myself even though I didn't mean to. It was never my intention to make her feel bad even though I now realize that of course she would feel horrible for the whole day after I pretended to not remember her birthday. I've apologized for this and these things were talked about. Really the only thing I was thinking was about wanting to surprise my wife and not about how my way of going about it was going to make her feel. My dumb logic was that hey, my wife loves surprises so I have to make the surprise as suprising as I can, any way I can. I never intended to make her feel bad but my lack of thinking made that happen and I feel horrible for it.

This is why you always say happy *insert special event*, even if you have a surprise planned later in the day to celebrate.

Title says most of it. I was at a tech conference today. I like to broadcast random WiFi hotspot names to mess with people and after the recent story about the Planet Fitness I thought it would go over well as a joke. I mean, who hasn't seen "FBI Surveillance Van" as a network? *Holy fuck.* **Do not do this!!!** Cops got called. I got to spend about 45 minutes chatting with them. They asked a lot of questions. They had to make sure I'm not a threat. I cooperated fully. I have no doubt being a white guy at a nerd gathering probably helped. I was told I wasn't being charged. I was, however, told to leave by the venue and not come back. Flash forward two hours and I go to log into my work email on my phone. Huh. Password failed. Huh, again. Ok, let's not fat finger this and lock the account. Pull out the laptop, remote into my work PC. Go to log in. "Your account has been disabled. Contact your systems administrator." 20 minutes later I get the text message. *You are being placed on paid administrative leave effective today 5/23 while the agency investigates today’s events surrounding you being removed from the <venue>. You are not to complete any work, access agency networks or report to the office during your leave. We will contact you when the investigation is complete.* tl;dr: Immature joke kills career, film at 11. **EDIT:** Thank you for the influx of comments and messages. Most of you are right, I am a fucking idiot. One doesn't come to r/TIFU to brag about the good shit they've done. No matter what you say, I'm trying to keep up. You're helping me cope.

Obviously if you secretly wanted to remotely detonate a bomb, you'd call your detonator's hotspot "bomb detonator".

I was replying to a Redditor on another sub about why diamonds are actually extremely common and why they're essentially worthless. I was on FaceTime with my girlfriend and she noticed I was typing a lot and asked me what I was writing. I start telling her about diamonds, how they're formed, where they come from and so on. My mind begins to get sidetracked as it always does, and I talk about the different types of stars and how they "die" and what the fate of our Sun will be. As she starts to worry about the end of life in our solar system, i get sidetracked again and try to reassure her that we don't have to worry about the Sun swallowing Earth in its outer shell as a Red giant because our neighbouring galaxy Andromeda will already be merged with our galaxy, making it impossible for us to be have a home here anyways. As my girlfriend digests this information, she starts to think of how humanity may end completely and how life, and our existence is basically meaningless which sends her into a panic attack, causing her to freeze up, have difficulty breathing, and start crying for about five minutes straight. Now I'm here, typing this up and trying to get her to relax at the same time by explaining how we are a relatively young species and have a long time to figure out a game plan, though I'm not sure if any of it is really helping. TL;DR I told my girlfriend the sun will eventually burn out, swallowing Earth in the process and eliminating all life, causing her to have a panic attack and cry before bed.

Do not tell her about the heat death of the universe.

So I'm at work it's about twelve pm today... I get the urge to shit real bad, maybe it was the hot sauce on my eggs this morning, IDK. I race walk on down to the men's shit house, I arrive finally, push open the door and head for the most private stall in the back because I had a feeling this one was gonna be quite loud. Upon getting to the door of the stall I noticed that the latch was sort of in between locked and open. I didn't think it would be wise to just open the door because it may well be occupied so I took a couple steps back to look under the stall to see if there were somebody's shoes in there that would tell me if it was indeed occupied.... Two things happened. As I bent down far enough to see under the stall, the occupant was looking under the stall right back at me...awkward...really really awkward. And given the urgency of the situation, the pressure of my leather belt against my lower abdomen caused me to fart, real loud, at that exact moment. I don't know if there are words to describe what seemed like an eternity when we both locked eyes with a loud, slow motion fart going off in the back ground was like. Wanting to laugh but afraid it would cause me to shit my pants, I waddled to an open stall and let 'er rip. TL;DR TIFU by waiting too long to head to the restroom, looking under a stall just to see someone staring back at me and I farted real loud at the same time because I had to take a crap so bad.

Last Christmas I was in an airport bathroom stall when I had a similar occurrence. I had to go for the last 30 minutes of the flight but held it because I hate the plane crapper. Once we are about to land I’m regretting this as its becoming clear I’ve eaten something I shouldn’t have. We land, I rush to the bathroom and get into the only available stall. Things are just starting to happen when a toddler age girl crawls under the door and stands up with a confused and somewhat alarmed look on her face. I do my best to cover the twig and berries but there’s nothing I can do about the furious explosion of 5 hours ago airport deli sandwich. Once the echo dies down my new friend starts to cry but she stood her ground bravely. What I assume was her father has reacted with some alarm however and starts calling her name in rather urgent tone as he paces back and forth in front of the stalls trying to find her. I’m almost frozen in shame / shock / realization that horrible smell is me combo but manage to creak out “in here” between cramps. I guess that broke the spell though because my visitor scurried back under the door and she and her father left the bathroom without a word spoken. I may never poop in a public bathroom again.

This happened 2 days ago. So last week I found a thong on the floor in my living room. Smelt it like the animal I am, was clean, and put it in my wife's underwear drawer. 2 days ago in the evening, my wife is getting ready to go take a bath, when she comes down 2 minutes later asking me where the hell does this thong come from. Huh... I found it on the floor, surely it felt from the laundry basket? It was clean so I put it in your drawer. What it's not yours? Angrily, she answers it's not hers. You just want me to believe it just appeared on the floor?!? I tell her what the hell am I suppose to say. She goes back upstairs really angry at me. So last week my wife was out of town for work and a female friend of mine came take a beer with me. I send her a picture of the thong, asking if it hers. It is. We're both a bit confuse as to how it ended in my living room... We came to the conclusion maybe it got stuck at whatever she was wearing that night by static electricity while it was in the dryer... Now the real fuck up. My wife is in the bed. I go tell her that my friend was here last week to take a beer. Just texted her and the thong is hers. The only explanation we managed to find it's that it was stuck by static at her clothes. YOU WANT ME TO BELIEVE THAT?! THAT MAKES NO SENSE Jesus Christ, I don't even believe my explanation myself. I tell her to believe what she wants, I don't fucking know how the thong appeared in my living room, that I don't have anything to redeem myself. I take some clothes and go sleep at my parents' home. The next morning she calls me. She tells me that she decided to believe in my stupid story, because the thong was indeed clean and it's logical that I'd put it in her drawer. And if I was cheating on her, I'd be fucking stupid to put my mistress panties in her drawer. Asked me to come home and we laughed a lot after that. TLDR : Found my friend's thong on the floor in my living room, put it in my wife's underwear drawer. Almost lost my wife to it. EDIT : OMG it exploded. Thanks for the silver mystery redditors! I know a bunch of you called me a liar and a cheater, that's ultimately your right! Had fun with the others that told similar stories :) And yes, I told my friend that I sniffed her panties, asked her what her fabric softener was. EDIT2 : The [thong](https://imgur.com/a/KtGzDeU) in question EDIT 3 : Wow thanks for the gold! I answered to a bunch of you, but I'll not be able to keep up! There's too many comments! I hope you guys have a nice day! EDIT4 : addressing some comments. No I don't think my friend did it on purpose to have my wife divorce me so she can have me all for herself. Yes I have the right to hang out with other women and have a drink with them. My wife also has the right to hang out with other men and have a drink with them. Finally, my friend's fabric softener is Fleecy.

Did you tell your friend you sniffed her panties?

I suddenly remembered this story today. I don’t think I have ever told this story to anyone before. So here goes. This happened a few years ago when I was a pre-teen. During the summer, my family and I went back to our hometown to visit my grandparents. We were short on rooms so my sister and I shared the same room the entire summer. We had separate beds, but sometimes my sister would trade blankets with me because my blanket was thicker and warmer. One day during the summer, I discovered porn. But instead of finishing the job when I watched it, I went to sleep that day without completing the experience. I woke up with wet spots on my bed and underwear the next day. At the time, i was about 80% sure what came out of me wasn’t pee, so I went on google to figure out what happened. I learned that I had a wet dream. I washed my underwear and my bed sheets but for some reason I did not wash my blanket. When I went back into my room, I saw my sister had switched blankets with me and I freaked out. I didn’t say anything and just quickly left the room. I ran out of the room and googled “Can you get someone pregnant from a wet dream?” Obviously none of the results I was looking for popped out. I thought my life was over and I accidentally got my sister pregnant cuz she was using my blanket that had a little bit of my ejaculation on it. The idea haunted me and I did not tell anybody because I was too scared. Maybe like a week after that, I finally got the courage to tell my dad that i got my sister pregnant. This was the conversation. Me: “Dad, remember when I accidentally peed on my bed” Dad: “Yea?” Me: “It wasn’t pee” Dad: “Yea I know it wasn’t pee, you’re going through puberty, it’s perfectly normal.” He walked away. End of Conversation. After that conversation, I just decided to wait a few months to see if my sister was pregnant. Needless to say, she was not pregnant. I was just a really dumb child. TL;DR I had a wet dream and I thought i got my sister pregnant bc she used my blanket. Edit: Holy shit this blew up, this is technically my first ever post. I’m glad you guys enjoyed my suffering. I also want to add that I actually didn’t learn sex-ed until 9th grade so everything I knew before was from google. Edit: Thanks for the awards, it almost makes up for the weeks of anxiety and stress lol

Thought this was going in a whole other direction

So my 4 year old son liked to dance around naked after baths and while changing him. As cute as he can be, it gets old after a while, and if you've ever had a boy, you know how they can become obsessed with their peckers. I told him one night that if he didn't put it away, the Pecker Snatcher would come and take it. He looked at me with some disbelief and said I was kidding him. I told him it was the truth, and that is what happened to his sister. His eyes got big and he put his pants on. Fast forward a couple days and him and his sister have now elaborated on the story, and the Pecker Snatcher is now a man who has a basket full of peckers that he carries with him, and other elaborations on the story. All was good and well until he explained the entire mythology they created to their grandparents and teachers. Now I'm the weirdo. Parenting is dumb. TLDR: I created a fictional Pecker Snatcher so my son would put his pants on, and he and his sister elaborated on it and told other adults.

well my kids are in bed now so I have time to offer you my response. 46M, my son is also four (just started jk), and he has not paid particular attention to his penis since forever. Since school started he's been doing some weird stuff that I will attribute to school jitters working themselves out of his system. He started humming a song the other night, probably Thurs or Fri, no words, just a tune. I asked him at shower time what he was singing, he said nonchalantly my penis song. I was like...okay, can I hear the words? "I love my penis, penis...penis...pennie...pennie...penis penis penis, this is my penis pennie pennie pennniiiis." He decided to regale my inlaw and the entire family this morning during our monthly Zoom call. My wife was **crawling at\[up\] the walls/clawing at the wall**. *Edit: thanks everyone and the awards? Finally getting around to changing the misspelled words.*

So I’m a middle school teacher and my district is fully online (going back to in-person soon though). I was teaching my class like normal when out of the corner of my eye, I saw my cat jump up onto my plant table, attack the leaves of my money tree, and knock it over, spilling soil and broken branches all over the floor. Now, this money tree is my most beloved plant. I’ve had it for 4 years and we’ve been through a lot together. So when he knocked it over (breaking off 3 of the largest branches in the process) I was PISSED. I told my students I’d be right back and thought I muted myself, so I went to assess the damage and yelled “NO” several times. Then I tried to grab him so I could shut him in another room while I cleaned up my plant, but he kept running away from me. At this point, I said/yelled “come here you FUCKING RAT BASTARD!” (A nickname sometimes said endearingly, although not at this particular moment). After successfully shutting him in another room and quickly trying to salvage the remains of my beloved money tree, I went back to my computer to see the following messages from students in my Zoom chat. “YOURE NOT MUTED” “THAT WAS WILD” “OMG MRS WE CAN HEAR YOU” etc. Let’s just say I had some apologizing/explaining to do after that fuck up. Let’s hope I still have a job tomorrow. TL;DR: my cat knocked over my beloved plant in the middle of my teaching online, and i thought I was muted when I yelled off camera “you fucking rat bastard!” My students informed me after the fact that they heard everything I said. Big yikes. Edit to add: [Cat tax](https://imgur.com/gallery/Bx3HG7Q) Edit 2: I went back to teaching and came back to my phone seeing that this has blown up :D All the comments have me cracking up. I love this community of cat lovers/haters! Stay safe out there everyone, much love!

You obviously just jumped in popularity with your class.

This happened on Halloween. I imagined the evening going down more or less like this: 1. Slip into a white robe. 2. Stick on a cactus crown. 3. Moonwalk out of the house as Jesus. 4. Remember never to break character. 5. Hop into an Uber. 6. Show up to celebrate Halloween with friends. 7. Go HAM. 8. Go home. 9. Go sleep. 10. Go for a job interview the next morning. This is what I would've called a good night. However, after #7, things didn't quite go as planned. Here's how shit actually unfolded: 8. Got shit-faced. 9. Drunk me turned into drunk Jesus. 10. Fell into my friend's swimming pool and almost drowned after attempting to walk on water. 11. Realized wearing all white, plus water, equals everyone seeing your shriveled up shlong through your tighty whities. 12. Drunk dialed my religious mother in the middle of the night to tell her I'm proof that Jesus is fake as fuck and that I'm gay, gay, gay. 13. Unleashed an unholy amount of vomit in the Uber driver's car on the way home. 14. Missed my job interview the following day after waking up laughably late. 15. Realized drunk me set the alarm on my phone two years into the fucking future. For the record I apologized to my mom. We cool now. TL;DR Fell into a swimming pool, got all wet wearing white, exposed my cock to a crowd, roasted Jesus over the phone with my Christian mom, woke up late the next morning and missed my job interview.

Never go full Jesus

Yesterday evening my GF and i thought it would be nice to watch Lord of the Rings after coming home quite late. After aproximately 4 hours i was really tired and couldnt think straight anymore. She had her "strawberry week" so she was plugged, which I frankly didnt care too much about. We just came along the credits in the movie and i was casually stroking her ass when i realised there is a thread hanging somewhere. I thought its just a random thread from the blanket, you know the ones hanging from some clothes. I think it was muscle reflexes or something like this, my tired brain didnt think at all and i just pulled hard without realising of what i just did. My girlfriend said: " WTF are you do-" and it was already out creating a mess everywhere until i realised what actually happened. After explaining that i thought its from the blanket, my GF couldnt stop laughing and i felt quite ashamed. Made up the bed right after and went to sleep right next to my still giggling GF. **TL;DR:** Accidentally "unplugged" my girlfriend while watching a movie creating a mess in my bed **Edit**: Wow my first gold and first silver! Thank you kind stranger! **Edit2:** And Platin! Thanks a lot guys!

Lord of the Strings

Obligatory it didn't happen today, however I realized my idiocy today. I am a small game developer part-time (I also have a regular job). Since more than 1 year I have been working alone on a puzzle-platformer that I've been thinking of for 2 years. It's a labor of love. After about a year of hard work, I had something that I was proud of, and that I considered ready for release. It's a web game and when you release a web game, what you usually do is that you put it on a game portal. Maybe you remember flash game portals where office workers were slacking off on in the 00's (personally for me it was at school). Well they are still a thing except games are not made in flash anymore, but the idea is the same. Also, when you are a web game dev, it's very well known that russians love web games. So if you manage to have russians liking your games, you are half the way there because you will get tons of players. So anyway, I was ready to release my game, a bit apprehensive of course, I managed to get my game on a couple portals including a huge russian one. In Russia, my game got wrecked. Everybody hated it. My game is a 0.8/10. I'm not kidding, I don't think there is a worse game on this portal. It felt like shit, and I was very puzzled. Today, I showed it to a colleague at my normal job, explaining to him that russians hated my game. I clicked fullscreen. Then I noticed it. The downvote button on that website was overlapping the restart button in the game. So people restarting a level (which happens fairly often) gave me a downvote along the way. I don't know if it's clear so [here is what the buttons look like](https://imgur.com/a/wu6rG9m). You can only see it when the game is fullscreen, which is why I did not notice before. So here I am, a bumbling idiot. Where any scammer in his right mind would have used this trick for evil and profit, instead I tricked them into burning me to the ground. TL;DR: spent more than a year making a game, released it on a Russian game portal where the restart button was right under the downvote button. Everybody restarted, everybody downvoted and now I am the proud maker on the worst web game in Russia EDIT: wow thanks for the load of suggestion everyone! It looks like this post is blowing up, it's a first time for me! I think I'll try out move the buttons, then email the russian portal to explain what happened and ask them if they would reset the votes. Also since a lot of you asked for a link, my game is called [BombHopper.io](https://bombhopper.io/), if mods want me to remove this link I'll gladly comply EDIT 2: I'm currently at work, so I need to go for a while but I'll check back soon! EDIT 3: Holy shit this is crazy everyone! Now I have 21 times more upvotes on here than downvotes on the portal. And thanks for the Platinum, Gold and Silver! EDIT 4: I'm going to bed now but first I'd like to thank everyone who said nice things to me. I really appreciate it. I'm still overwhelmed by it honestly. This post made it to /r/all whooooo! I'll edit again when I get the answer from the portal. EDIT 5: It took a lot of time to get in touch with the portal, so I forgot to edit this post with the outcome, sorry! But for the few people that still stumble upon it: now BombHopper.io is actually the best rated game on Titotu (the portal) because they were kind enough to remove all the downvotes. But they kept the upvotes! Props to them!

In Russia game downvotes you

Friends, my marriage was on the edge of a knife just now. Story time. My wife (40f) comes into the bedroom with an unknown dress she found in the dryer. Wife: Where did this dress come from? Me: It's not yours? W: I know my own dresses. (At this point she is making light but there is smoldering anger behind those brown eyes and I am legit in danger). Me: Umm, I have no idea. At this point I'm scrambling to come up with anything that doesn't make it look like I'm cheating, cause even I realize that despite being innocent this doesn't look good and I'm in trouble. I have no idea where the dress is from. Stalling for time I ask what size it is. A dumb fucking question. Not her size. Fuckity fuck. More scrambling and I say: Maybe it was from daycare and sent back with my kid's (3m) dirty clothes? A stretch but I'm painfully aware the longer this mystery goes on the more screwed I am. No one has stayed at our house in the last 2 years. The whole time I'm thinking: shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit I suggest maybe someone is sabotaging me. It sounded stupid the moment I said it but I mean, WTF is happening?? I say: It's kinda nice, maybe you should try it on. Please no one ever take advice from me ever. Her eyes are beginning to promise my horrible death despite still seeming amused but don't be fooled, the reaper was at my door. I'm literally sweating at this point and trying to keep it light-hearted is becoming more and more difficult. Has my dryer wormholed into another person's house in some twisted cosmic joke? Anything is possible now. My wife is losing her humour by the nanosecond as I stare dumbly at this goddamned dress. I'm at a complete loss and then a revelation comes to me in my moment of need. An epiphany for the ages! A memory to redeem every forgotten thing my notoriously bad memory has forgotten over the years on the daily. Me: Was it with that skirt my mom gave you? Wife: \*visible relief as she checks her phone\* Sure enough there is a picture of the dress in her messages of the items of clothing my mom gave her. High five brain! Marriage saved to screw up another day! &#x200B; TL;DR An unknown dress materialized in the dryer and neither my wife nor I had any explanation for it. This did not reflect well on me, to say the least. Eventually we figured it out and my marriage didn't crash and burn.

My husband’s underwear were getting pretty worn. I purchased him a bunch of new pairs, washed them, and put them in his drawer. His response the next morning: “Somebody put a bunch of underwear in my drawer and it’s not mine”!

I want to start by giving some background here. I basically live, eat, sleep and breath Amazon. I need something, straight to Amazon. I use kindle and audible daily. Want to stream music, Amazon music. Want a new movie, prime video. Run out of something randomly, "Hey Alexa......." Laundry soap, toothpaste, shampoo, dog food, fish food, subscribe & save biotch. Amazon has the answers to all of life's problems. So when looking for a place to store photos, I see "prime members have free unlimited photo storage with Amazon photos". Naturally, my next move is to take full advantage of this being a prime member. Automatically upload photos from my phone? Even better. Rewind to September 25th, my mom's birthday. I thought about her gift for a while, but when I remembered she didn't have a smart TV, the answer was easy. I hop on Amazon shopping and use my Amazon credit card to purchase one FireTV stick. She was so happy she could watch Netflix on her TV now. Yay, success! Or so I thought. Yesterday I get an email from Amazon with the subject line "welcome to the Fire TV family" and thought oh good, she's finally setting it up, she's gonna love it! Not even in the smallest darkest corner of my mind did I imagine that it would sign in to my Amazon account without even asking for a password. Surely she'd have to use her own account. Fast forward to today at a family bbq, the tv was turned on to the fire stick home page and people were playing with it, using different apps, etc. Eventually it's forgotten about and left to turn on its screensaver. Sitting in my mother's kitchen, I glance behind me towards the tv to see a giant lit up 65" photo of my vagina. I spit out my drink and everyone looks at me. I happen to be sitting in a position where the tv is behind me so every single person in my family got a glorious view of me, bright red, choking, scrambling to find the god damn remote with a horribly x rated backdrop. I'm not a person to just take one picture like that and call it good. I took probably 40 pictures that night for my SO to include dildos, butt plugs, the like, in all different positions to get the perfect photos that were now being displayed on my parents television for my ENTIRE FAMILY to view. I have tattoos that were visible in the pictures so there's no denying this is me and no way to talk myself out of this one. Nobody helped me. The remote was nowhere to be found so pulled the device from the tv and took it straight home with me where I'm currently hiding under my blanket in shame and misery. I didn't give anyone a chance to say anything, I just ran away. The worst part, I asked Alexa how to recover from pain and humiliation aaaaaaand "sorry, I'm not sure about that." Fuck Amazon. Update: I promised an update but it's not really worthy of its own post. I talked to my mom who assured me that it's not as bad as it seems, nobody really noticed, and it's just like when my cousin replied to the group text with his dirty laundry, no big deal. However, my brother says the opposite and that my mom has threatened death and dismemberment for anyone who dares mention this to me for any reason. I'm not sure how to prove that this wasn't an Amazon ad, I just wrote it how I wrote it because I thought it was funny. I wish Amazon was paying me for this crap. I'm just going to laugh about it and see how it blows over. Yes I fucked up, I was a dumbass, that's why I posted it here. Yes, I should have known this could happen. Call me whatever names you want, but yes, sending unsolicited nudes to each other is something me and my SO do. It's fun. I don't intentionally save them, but my photos were set to automatically upload on wifi. It happened. Thanks to everyone for the awards and sharing your similar stories, they made me laugh. And thanks for checking out my cat!!!!! TLDR my sexy pics ended up on my mom's tv at a family party.

Live in the cloud, die in the cloud.

So this happened 6 years ago. My laptop with 8 GB RAM stopped working so I showed it to a repair guy. He took the laptop, repaired it, and returned it to me after 2 days. The laptop started working again and I was really happy. However, the speed felt slower than before. Previously, I could open multiple chrom tabs and still be able to play games while they were open but now it would drop a lot of frames and my laptop would start overheating. I thought maybe it’s getting old so that’s why the performance is dropping. So I didn’t care much. Fast forward to few days back. The same laptop stopped working again, so I called the same repair guy. He took the laptop again, repaired it and returned it to me in 2 days. This time when I started using the laptop, I could IMMEDIATELY tell something was off. The speed was RIDICULOUSLY slower than before. If opened just 2 tabs on chrome it would still overheat. I checked on YouTube for solutions and came across this video where he said to check on computer settings whether all my ram slots were functioning properly and all my ram cards were being detected. So I open computer setting and guess what I find out? It’s reading only 2 GB of RAM! How the fuck did it drop to 2 GB from 8 GB?! I thought it must be an error so I restarted the laptop multiple times and it still read 2 GB. Then I called the repair guy and asked him about this. He replied “It’s just a minor error. It will fix automatically over time. Don’t worry.” I was so confused. I didn’t believe him so I opened the laptop myself and checked the ram slots and Guess what I find? ONE OF THE RAM CARDS IS MISSING AND the RAM card that was in it was NOT the one that I got with my laptop because I remember it had a stylish border. So I looked up the card number online and found out that it was only 2 GB. I called the repair guy again and asked him about this. He said that he was also repairing another laptop and swapped ram cards by mistake and he was really sorry. So he came home the next day, swapped the ram card with my original one and was about to leave when I asked him “What about the second card?” RG: What card? Me: The one that you stole from me years ago. RG: I don’t know what you are talking about. Me: This is only 4 GB RAM. Don’t try to fool me again. I’m calling the cops. RG: Wait wait I’m sorry!! I think I remember now!I’ll bring it! I had forgotten about it! So he brought it back and now my laptop is as fast as ever. I guess I would have never known about the stolen RAM card If I never called him again. TLDR; Laptop repair guy stole one of my RAM cards 6 years ago and I learned that recently. I confronted him about it and after threatening him of calling cops on him, he surrendered and returned it to me. Update 1: HOLY SHIT!!! I did not expect this post to blow up!! Thanks for all the awards! I have never got these many awards before! Speaking of the theif, I reported it to the customer service of his company. They told me they will take action against him. I will ask them again tomorrow and update it on this post. Update 2: The guy got fired from his company and got arrested! Apparently he had made over $5000 by selling stolen electronic parts from all his customers. He had stolen things like cameras and graphic cards etc. His company gave everyone of his customers a huge discount coupon in return as a token of apology. The cops are still investigating the whole chain of these scammers. I hope they get caught soon! Also I read most of the comments and I wanted to clear up some misconceptions people had: 1. He obviously did not return the exact same RAM card to me. He must have bought the same model from one of his friends from the chain. 2. How is this my TIFU? Well if I had investigated this the 1st time my laptop got slow 6 years ago, then I could have not only saved 6 years of slow processing of information, but also prevented others from getting scammed in that time period. That fucker got arrested. It’s a shame it took him so long. The lesson we should all learn from this is to be careful with whom you give your products to and try fixing things on your own. Don’t be an idiot like me.

You really should still report him though. He probably scammed so many more people who will never know.

I (22F) I work at a hotel bar in a large city. I worked a particularly slow day and during those shifts I like to talk to the guests. One of them was a 22 year old teacher who was traveling by herself and a guest of the hotel. I get cut early and I decide to go out for a couple drinks. At a bar nearby, I see the guest - she is very clearly drunk and proceeds to throw up all over the bar. Now this part of town is kinda known for sleazy guys and she’s by herself - so I take her back to the hotel and get her in her room safe before anyone can take advantage of her. I leave her my number to text me when she’s awake to make sure she’s okay and she thanks me the next morning and explains she was blackout drunk and barely remembers any of the night. I thought that was the end of it - until my boss pulled me into a room and proceeded to fire me for “fraternizing with a guest”. I explained that I only got her to her room safe and was worried because she was young and alone, but nope. I’m officially unemployed now. For helping a drunk girl get back to her hotel okay. TL;DR - got fired for helping a drunk girl get back to her hotel room okay. Edit: for those asking for more information: I did take her in the closest entrance which was the employee entrance. I think this has a lot more to do with it. My boss is not a rapist and didn’t slip her anything. And while I’m thinking of naming them, I don’t want to get at risk of going up against a large company. I’m a broke 22 year old (and I am a girl, for all y’all who thought I was a man) who was living paycheck to paycheck. I can’t afford a lawyer. I did file for unemployment. I appreciate everyone’s well wishes. TW: I actually had a very bad episode as a result of this and attempted. I’m in the hospital now and will not have any way to update further for a while. Edit 2: thank you everyone, sincerely, for all the well wishes. I’m back from the hospital and am staying with family until I’m a little more stable. I appreciate everyone’s kind words and support. I’m unsure if anyone will see this since it’s been some time, but I thought I’d update. After much consideration, I’ve decided to name the hotel: Viceroy Chicago. Whether or not you decide to stay there is entirely up to you. There are some wonderful people working there, but it seems they place liability above the mental or physical safety of their guests and employees. This is a passage from the email HR sent me: “In regards to your employment status with Viceroy Chicago, entering a hotel room with a guest, is in violation of Viceroy policy. Colleagues are not allowed to stay at the property in which they work and Unauthorized entrance/access to any Viceroy space/facility, offices, guest rooms or computer information sources is conduct that Viceroy considers inappropriate and leads to disciplinary action, up to and including termination of employment, which due to the severity of this infraction, we will terminate employment at this point.“ So there you go. Do with this information whatever you wish. I understand their decision from a liability standpoint personally, but not from a moral or ethical standpoint. While I’m the hospital I realized it was best I got out of there now anyway. I wish you all the best.

How is helping a clearly ill guest back to their room fraternizing? It’s not like you were out drinking with the guest. If your hotel chain has a corporate office, I would escalate, assuming you actually want that job. What I’m curious about is how your boss even knew?

The wonderful, wonderful guy (27M) that I’ve (27F) been seeing for the past few months invited me to come over to his place last weekend. Let’s call him Gardening Club Guy. So I spend the day before plucking, prepping and getting the perfect outfit together for my night with GCG. I ultimately choose a nice little push up bra that matched my undies and made the titties look very nice. I don’t normally wear bras like that, but it seemed like the occasion to. What started as a great night together, turned into a great morning together, which turned into a great afternoon and evening together! I eventually return to my place and start reminiscing of the stellar sex that was had, and decide to shoot GCG a message about how last night I thoroughly enjoyed whatever he did with his tongue that made it feel like there was a tiny tornado rampaging my clit (I firmly believe if your partner does something you like/ that gets you off and you want them to do it again..TELL THEM) GCG thanks me and then says “ So last night when I was feeling your breast..” and here I am, getting in the mood to do some reminiscing when all of the sudden GCG drop kicks my life with “...I felt a firm lump on your left breast. I didn’t want to not say anything.” So now I’ve gone from horny to horrified in 2 seconds flat. I had just gotten a breast exam a few months ago, so it seemed downright impossible.. At this point, I’m grabbing my breasts like a mad woman trying to feel for any weird lumps, when the deceivingly nice little push up bra thrown over the chair catches my gaze. The realization sets in and I start spontaneously laugh-crying. GCG got a firm hold of the spillage/over flow of boob that didn’t quite make it into the bra. He grabbed the fat. Then proceeded to inform me of his findings. I thanked him and let him know about my previous cleared breast exam, but welcomed him to come by to feel me up and really show me what he meant..you know, just to be sure. He was happy to hear I had one done so recently and said he’d be more then happy to show me. Basically I’ve found a super sweet guy who I get along with wonderfully, and clearly doesn’t want me to die anytime soon. I’m extremely thankful. TL;DR hook up thought he found a lump in my breast that turned out to just be a fat roll due to an ill fitting bra Edit: I got a breast exam at my local plannned parenthood yesterday just to be sure. No cancer here, just fat! Edit: I’m sorry I forgot to tag NSFW! My bad, I really should have seen that one coming. For those asking about planned parenthood, the facility in my area is called a family planning center. They offer yearly exams, information about birth control, std testing etc. I believe they work with planned parenthood. And to clarify the fuck uppery on my part lol, I could have avoided a really awkward conversation if I had just worn proper fitting clothing.

To most people having safe sex means using a condoms. To real champs it means screening your partner for cancer. Breast, Testicles, Prostate, and Colorectal. One good fuck finds them all!

This actually happened over Christmas last year. My family, including (paternal) my grandparents, Aunt, Uncle, and cousins and 2nd cousins were having Christmas dinner. My grandfather brought up that he did AncestryDNA (or was it 23and me?). I don't remember the exact one, because I can barely think about it. It's hard just writing this up. It was really cool to hear what he found. He found mostly Scandinavian spread out over the British isles, particularly Wales. We knew this part already, but then it was discovered he's 3% Persian! Very small, and probably doesn't mean much really, but cool nonetheless. He's a huge genealogy guy, so he's been working on his lineage. The only ancestor he's mentioned that makes me question the validity of his findings is that we're a direct but illegitimate descendant of King George III. The reason why I question this is King George III is recorded as one of the few Kings who never had a mistress. However, he believes it because there's a diary passed down our family from the brother of this woman who supposedly was a mistress of King George III (we are descended from the woman). He mentions traditions and the honor, etc etc etc. ANYWAY, off topic. I thought it was fascinating, and I love hearing what he's found. I brought up possibly using my Christmas money (we get money from them instead of gifts) to get one of these kits. I don't think I was really going to do it, I usually use the money to pay bills. Silence. And it was that thick, uncomfortable silence. Everyone but me, my sister, our husbands and parents left the table. My sister and I look at each other quietly, wondering who's the half sibling. My parents haven't said anything yet, and trust me, this is a complete surprise that it would even be an issue. We look like our parents, the only thing that's different is my eyes. I have weird Hazel eyes that can shift from bright green to a weird shade of blue with an amber ring around the iris in light or because of the outfit of the day. My sister has hazel eyes too, but hers are just a green/brown color. I always just figured it was one of those things where it was a recessive trait that just decided to pop up in me. I never really thought much about it unless my sister whines about how it's not fair I have such cool pretty eyes. Well, okay. Dad starts first. Dad (D), Mom (M), Sister (S), and Me. D: There's a chance 3ar3ara_G0rd0n, that you're not my daughter. S and Me: Imagine that wide-eyed stunned look. My sister grabs my hand (I love her big sister ways). Me: Okay, um... D: Your mom never had an affair. This isn't some cheating story. Me: Wha.. (I start to feel very sick). M: I hoped to never have to tell you this. I was raped. The reason we're not sure is because your dad and I had sex earlier that day. Me: (I want to die, I start crying). Everyone else knows though, if they left the table. D: Your grandparents know. S: Okay, well, the guy is in jail, right? M: No, they wouldn't move forward with the case. Me: He's still out there? S: But obviously we're far away from this guy, right? My dad and mom look at each other. M: It was my brother. I felt so sick. I felt... dirty. I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. I couldn't stop shaking. My sister came into the bathroom with me and we just cried. We probably should have been with my mom then too, but we weren't thinking. Our husbands were just stunned and quiet. The rest of the vacation was just weird. If it weren't for my nephews, I'm pretty sure I would have just gone home. Oh my nephews are wonderful. Well, we came home, and I had to battle with the "Do I want to know?" thoughts. I could get a DNA test. But I couldn't do that to my parents if it came out... wrong. But it weighed on me too much. I had to know in order to move forward. So I asked my dad if he would submit his DNA with mine. We weren't going to tell my mother if it wasn't the outcome we wanted to save her the grief. It was hard asking him to not say anything to her. He should be able to talk to his wife. So we submitted the test. I am my father's daughter. I cried when I got the results. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. I made a decision not to tell my dad - I wanted to surprise them. I kept saying I hadn't gotten the results back. I did tell my sister though. I gave them the piece of paper on Mother's Day. I was going to wait until Father's Day, but I couldn't. So I got a blank card. Inside I wrote: "Mom, Open the paper." She opened it and I had written Happy Mother's Day, and Happy Early Father's Day. Lots of hugs and tears that day, yah? Thank God. EDIT: left out half a sentence, oops. It was my uncle on my mother's side. I have met him. My sister and I were never without our mom or dad in the room if he was there. Family did sweep it under the rug, because there is a much longer history between him and my mother. My parents did try to get him charged, but the prosecutor wouldn't go through with it. Two sperm donors created reasonable doubt even though yes it was her brother. Incestuous relationships happen more often than we think there I guess was his reason. Plus my maternal grandmother and the rest of them didn't believe her. My mom didn't go No Contact until 2005 when the straw finally broke the camel's back. Why that long, I have no idea. Those are her reasons. She did resume contact a few years ago bc my grandmother was dying. I guess there was a big talk and she begged for forgiveness. Grandmother is dead now. This happened in Louisiana. EDIT 2: Mods, if this isn't considered appropriate for this sub, please feel free to take it down. I thought I fucked up by the secret coming out in the first place. But it is a happy ending. I leave it up to you glorious mods. **TL;DR:** I found out I could have been the product of a rape - by my Uncle. Anxiety and tears ensued. Found out I am my father's daughter. Surprised them. Happy Ending!

This is one of the best stories I’ve read on here

(Obligatory "didn't happen today.") My husband and I have been married for 5 and a half years now. My husband was raised by a single mom, and my mom passed when I was 16, so each of us only had one parent at the wedding. Our parents met during the wedding planning, and quickly discovered how much they had in common and how well they got along. After a few too many glasses of wine, they danced together at the wedding reception. We noticed a little bit of flirtation between them, but didn't think much of it until they started seeing each other regularly after the wedding, going out together for drinks, going on walks together, going fishing together. Even though it was a little weird for us that our parents were ambiguously and later officially dating each other, we truly didn't care because they just seemed so happy. Yesterday, my husband walked his mom down the aisle to meet my dad at the altar. My husband's mom and my dad said their vows, and became husband and wife. And my husband and I became... stepsiblings. Tldr: my husband's mom and my dad started a romance at our wedding, and yesterday they got married, which makes my husband and I technically stepsiblings.

You think this is awkward? Just wait until they announce they're expecting your little Brother / Sister...

So my wife and I have a four year old and a one year old. When our one year old is up to mischief and we tell him "no" he immediately looks up at us and starts crying. It's actually pretty adorable. In order not to upset him we frequently refer to it as the "N Word" when he's around. Queue two weeks ago when our four year old is in daycare and telling all his friends and the teacher that "mommy and daddy use the N Word all the time and it upsets his brother and makes him cry". Teacher berated my wife and told her we were horrible people and didn't really get it when my wife explained that it was a big mix up. We also got Child Protective Services called on us anonymously. Think it's the teacher but it may have been a parent. TLDR: Everyone at our kids school thinks we are constantly throwing "the bad N word" around our sons and are horrible people and parents.

My manager was yelled at due to a similar situation. Her daughter was really into superheroes and would say she had super powers everyday based on her outfit. So purple shirt = purple power, red shirt = red power. It was okay until she wore a white shirt to daycare and told everyone she had white power.

I really didn't think this could possibly backfire on me until about 30 minutes ago. My daughter is **d r a m a t i c**. She would step on a piece of dirt on the floor and fall down screaming "Me hurt foot" or hit her head on a pillow and make a huge deal out of it. We don't watch soccer so I have no idea where this behavior came from. She is 2. I am her mom so she believes everything I say. I used this to my advantage and told her that kisses fix everything. Stub your toe? Get a kiss. Smack yourself in the face with a broom? Kiss. Cut your finger with the fake knife? Kiss. It was going great. She caught on quick and, instead of screaming, always asked for a kiss for her "hurt". How could this go wrong? Well I did not foresee the world falling apart and needing to work from home with my 6 month old and 2 year old. Some days it's great. They are amazing and the only reason I'm staying sane. Other days.... Nothing makes you reevaluate your decision to have 2 kids 18 months apart like being trapped in a house with them 24/7. *kidding* Today is one of those days. My daughter was eating her breakfast while I was on a video call. She bit her tongue and started crying. Then she stopped and I saw the look on her face. She recovered and I thought she figured it out on her own and forget about it. So here I sit on a very important video meeting and my 2 year old comes running in screaming "MOMMY KISS TONGUE". I am trying to shift my 6 month old so I can turn off the audio and video. I managed to mute it (after she screamed of course) but didn't get the video shut off in time. My 2 year old sticks her tongue out and shoves it at me for a kiss as I'm opening my mouth to tell her no. And that's how her tongue went straight in my mouth while all my coworkers were watching. Next time on Our Series of Unfortunate Events, she will probably be naked climbing the cabinets in the background. Edit: For all of you so concerned that my terrible parenting is the reason my daughter is dramatic - My daughter's behaviors are constantly and appropriately ignored/redirected and she uses a social-emotional program to learn how to handle big emotions in a little body. (Almost like I do this for a living!) She is intelligent, kind, caring, and yes, *dramatic*. She is strong-willed and a performer. She will put on a show even if her teddy bear is the only one watching. And yes, I did teach her kisses fix her hurt. That is something I specifically did for MY child because, personally, I don't think it's so bad to live in a world where mama can fix everything, even if only for a little while. TL;DR: taught my daughter that kisses fix hurt and she French kissed me

>We don't watch soccer so I have no idea where this behavior came from. best line in this whole post, hands down

Now this TIFU didn't happen today, it was a couple of weeks ago and I am still struggling to come to terms with the embarrassment, for both me and my girlfriend. So, a few weeks ago I was at my GF's house, usually the plan when I go is I sit around with her parents for around 30mins-1hr or so with just general chatting etc then we go off to her room to watch TV, play games and other stuff. Everything was normal, I chat to her parents then go up to her room with her and start watching general TV. This is where the fuck up happens. After around an hour or so, me and my GF were bored and she was feeling pretty horny today (not normal behaviour, especially whilst her parents are home) and begins to undress me and start giving me a handjob. I'm enjoying this more than I ever have, most likely because of the risk factor involved with her parents being home, which just made it feel so much better. Although the risk wasn't huge, because her parents have never disturbed us once since I started going there, they just leave us to it but still, the slight risk just made it feel really good. She starts kissing my chest, them down to my waist and then starts sucking my dick. Literally within less than 30 seconds, I'm already ready to release my load, I try to get her to slow down and stop to save my embarrassment from prematurely ejacating but I just can't, it feels too good. Right on queue, her door starts to open so my girlfriend quickly stops, in walks her mother to ask us a question about going out for dinner together... she instantly gets an eye full of my girlfriend on her knees on the bed next to my dick whilst I'm there in my birthday suit. My girlfriend stopped too late though, so whilst she's staring at her mum in shock who's staring at both of us in even more shock I release my load all over my body in front of both of them, and she wasn't even sucking my dick at the time. Not only was it a ruined orgasm, her mother also got to see the final credits. Her mother didn't even say a word, she just walked back out and closed the door behind her. I sit there completely naked, covered in my own cum in just pure embarrassment. My girlfriend went to get me tissue to sort myself out and then I hid in her room until they had gone to sleep and it was time to leave. Although me and my GF are still together, I haven't been back or spoken to them since :( TL;DR - GF was giving me a blowjob whilst her mother walked in, she stopped but it was too late and I ejaculated all over myself in front of both her and her mother, whilst in my birthday suit.

You mean she didn't walk over and show her daughter how it's done? The internet lies.

Last Saturday, I woke up in the middle of the night. No big deal, but I immediately noticed something wrong with my left ear. I had no pain, but every few seconds I would hear a loud crackling noise in my ear. I have experienced an earwax blocking before, but I had never heard this sound before. This made me concerned, so I tried googling my symptoms, but to no avail. "It's probably just an earwax blockage, right?", I think to myself. I stuffed a cotton pad with olive oil in my ear to soften the earwax and returned to bed. After putting the cotton pad in my ear, the crackling sound stopped, but it was replaced with some soft ticking sounds. It made it hard to fall asleep, but eventually, I managed to drift off The next morning, the noises in my left ear had stopped. Great, but there was still wax in my ear, because I could hear it move when I put pressure on my ears. Over the course of the next days, I tried to remove the ear wax myself. I put water in my ear, more cotton pads with olive oil and I even tried to get it out with tweezers (I know I shouldn't have done that, but I was impatient and really wanted to just get the earwax out and be done with it). All these methods failed to get the earwax out, until today. I was once again stupidly poking around with tweezers inside my ear, when I finally managed to grab the earwax. Excited, I took it out and wanted to look at what my ear had just birthed. To my horror, the blockage in my left ear was not caused by earwax, but it was caused by what looked like a kind of tiny moth. This creature had somehow managed to climb into my ear at 2 a.m., caused me to wake up and couldn't leave my ear because of the cotton pad I had stuffed inside. I am still trying to process that I had a dead moth in my ear for half a week. Edit: Thank you for the awards and for all of your own ear bug horror stories in the comments! It makes me feel less unfortunate to have experienced this. Also, to answer a common question: I posted a picture of the moth in the comments and people have been asking how big it was. It looks pretty big in the picture, but it was only around a centimeter big. TL;DR I thought I had an earwax blockage, tried removing it on my own, turned out it was a moth trying to make my ear its home or something.

I'm never sleeping again.

I’ve began visiting this new health-drink tea/smoothie shop by my work. I guess i misunderstood the menu in that i thought i was choosing nutrient boosts to add to my tea that i ordered, not knowing that those boosts were entirely different drinks that come as a smoothie. Those take longer to make than the tea so each time he had given me my tea, i had taken it and left before he could make my smoothie. It’s only 1 dude who works there and he finally stopped me today. I was so confused why i was getting 2 drinks and he was equally confused at the fact that i was confused why i was getting 2 drinks. He explained it to me and i realized what i had been doing. He tried to do the math and give me a cash refund for all the days i had left without picking up my other drink, but i just put it in his tip jar. TLDR: I’m an idiot EDIT: for those who are curious, this is NOT a Herbalife or other MLM shop. I’m very aware of Herbalife so when i heard of a new health drink shop opening up i rolled my eyes. Did some research, talked to the owner, and can gladly say this is not one of those 🥳 EDIT: wow i didn’t expect this to blow up. Thank you to everyone who’s enjoyed the story of my clueless self! I’m glad we can all laugh at something together during these rough times

Shit happens, but good on you for giving him the money in the jar.

Hey guys so today is the first day of the new Semester where I'm from (germany) and i woke up at 11:02am since i thought my first lecture would be at 2pm. I then woke up to an e-mail saying there was a zoom meeting at 11am. So i immediatly turned on my pc and joined the meeting and asked a friend of mine if he also joined ? He didnt even know what i was talking about so i texted him the meeting id and the password and asked him if he wanted to listen to the lecture together on discord. He said "yes" so we hopped onto the discord together and begun trashtalking the prof for the bad communication where i called him a son of a bitch for sending the mail at 10am for a lesson at 11am. Now heres the problem. Every lecture i had last semester immediatly muted everyone who joined so in my mind i was muted....Turns out i wasnt and immediatly my phone got flooded with messages asking me to turn my mic off.Great start to the new Semster, i hope you guys had a better day than me today :D &#x200B; TL;DR thought i was muted and called my prof a son of a bitch in fornt of 150 people while trashtalking him with my friend

Muting in meetings and saving in games and documents ... the lessons you either force yourself to learn or life will make sure to teach you. I wish for ptt in Teams ... is it there?

I’m a college student, hustling as a waitress in a swank restaurant to pay for school. A cute married couple are my regulars. One recent date night, they were sniping a touch at each other about their son, who was struggling in math. They asked my opinion. Then the wife asked me if I would consider tutoring him this summer. I thought I’d see them again the next week, but then the wheels fell off the world. Last night, I was running delivery out to cars. I see Mr. Married. Shifts are limited, so I need cash badly- online tutoring would be great. I virtually body slam my co-worker to deliver his food. On a piece of paper, I scribble my number and march out. He smiles. I hand him the food, and then I slip the paper with my number to him. Cue the deer-in-the-headlights stare from the man. Slow blink. I do not clue into the FU. I say, “Your wife said you were interested…” His head shifts 45 degrees, cocked and questioning. He stares blankly at me, inexplicably silent. In a moment of cognitive dissonance, I hear my brain misfire as I realize he thinks I’m propositioning him. I blurt, “Tutoring. Your wife wanted me to tutor your son in math.” He nods slowly, and we both pretend that shit show didn’t just happen as he says, “Yeah. Alright. Okay. Bye.” I fake a smile and bolt back inside. I’m half-hoping I never have to see the man again but the other half knows that I have 4 packs of ramen left and prays this traumatic cringe has not made it too excruciatingly awkward to hire me. TL:DR gave a married man my number to tutor his son. He thought I was hitting on him. Edit: thank you for the concern about my supply of ramen. I am strapped for cash, but my BF is still working and very willing to share. Also, my boss sends us all home with all the leftovers he can spare. Seriously, thanks, fam. You are spectacular humans!

As a married guy with kids in school, I'd simply be relieved when you offered the explanation ("wait, what - have I forgotten a conversation we had previously??"), and wouldn't think further of it. At worst I'd chuckle inwardly about how my mind went so quickly to an odd place. You may be over-thinking this :)

This actually happened on September 11th 2001 and the memory has just came back to me. Here is a little background leading up to the fuck up. I was 11 years old and began to have really bad pains around my lower back. Went to the doctor and x-rays confirm that I was having a kidney stone. Doctors thought it was highly unusual for an 11 year old to have kidney stones so they made me an appointment with a specialist. Fast forward a week later, 9/11, I return to a specialist doctor so they could check me out and run more tests. So, my dad and I are waiting in the room waiting for the doctor, playing "I spy" or something, and they doctor walks in. He tells us that he wants to check my prostate to see if there is anything unusual going on. My dad consented and then I was told to drop my pants. The doctor puts on his gloves, gets the lube ready and then it was go time. The doctor then checks my prostate, feeling all around to determine is there was anything unusual. Here is where the fuck up comes. While the doc is doing his thing, I look straight into my dads eyes and say "wow this feels good". My dad just looks at me with a blank stare. At the time I didn't think anything of the comment but now looking back, i'm not sure who felt more uncomfortable, my dad or the doctor who was still conducting the test. I cringe every time I think about this now. &#x200B; tl:dr -- Got my prostate checked out by a doctor in front of my dad and told him it "felt good"

This is the best fucking "where were you during 9/11?" Stories ever...

This happened last night/the wee hours of this morning. Last night while my SO was at work, she asked me to pick up tampons on my way home. She is a bartender and didn’t want to stop at a store or gas station late night when she got off. Me, being a guy, completely forgets until about 30 minutes until she is scheduled to get off work. So I jump in the truck and haul ass to the nearest 24 hour mega store. While I’m making my journey, I decide to roll the windows down and blast some music to enjoy the summer air. I’m in a pretty great mood. I had the day off and my SO was about to be off and we had plans to binge watch some New Girl. My journey into town is about a 35 minute drive down a road with literally no streetlights and no buildings. Just open desert. So while admiring the full moon, my mind starts to wander. “What can I do to add a little romance to this situation? Cover the bed in some dove chocolates? Maybe some flowers?” I make it to the store, retrieve the items, and start my trek back home. Miraculously, I made it back home before her. Finally I decide, “Nah, romance isn’t nearly as great as comedy.” So when I get home, I break open the box and spell out “Anal?” on the bed with the tampons. SO gets home and goes straight to the room to change. I follow her in seconds later and find her on the floor laughing. She takes a picture, posts it on r/funny (her second post ever) and it blows up. Now she won’t stop teasing me about having more karma and how she is “famous”. I’ve created a monster. TLDR; Spelled out “Anal?” with my SO’s tampons. She thought it was funny and posted it on reddit. Reddit agreed and now she thinks she’s famous and is holding her new found karma over my head. Edit: WOW! My first ever medal. Thank you kind stranger. Now at least I can hold this over her head whenever she randomly shouts out how much karma she has. Edit 2: gentleman, we are currently in the lead. Whoever has more karma at the end of the night gets to fuck the others ass. Edit 3: we are ending this “contest” at 11:59 PST on 7/17/19. It looks like I am going to win but since she is not able to edit/update her original post, I would like to say a few things... I had no clue this would blow up like this. I thought I’d get 10 upvotes and send it to her as a joke when she was being obnoxious about having 2500 more karma than me in the span of a day while I’ve been in here for a year. This has made our day off together one of the best ones in a while. That being said, please go show her some of that love I know reddit is so capable of showing. She is truly my better half and deserves all the attention and happy comments.

Just get married. Your karma assets will be combined.

I want to preface all of this by saying that Ben Shapiro sucks, and I’m in no way attracted to him, which is why this is such a monumental fuck up. I have found myself extremely amused by all of the Ben Shapiro memes that have been going around. I found the interview where he said, in response to Megan Thee Stallion’s song WAP, that his doctor wife told him women didn’t get wet absolutely hilarious. That’s about the extent of knowledge and familiarity I have with him and his viewpoints. The other night I met up with a tinder date. Things were going well and we ended up going to bed together. This is NSFW and sorry for the TMI, but he said “you’re so wet” to which my brain, for some reason, decided this sexy moment was the perfect time to crack a joke. “Don’t tell Ben Shapiro” is what it wanted me to say. With all of my might I tried to force this comment down, not wanting to bring up Ben Shapiro during sex for the first time with this guy, and succeeded in not letting it rise to the surface. But my idiot self was so amused by the dumb joke I had made in my head that a felt a laugh bubbling up instead. Now, most men don’t really feel so good when a woman laughs in their face right after they’ve gotten undressed, so I was really trying to divert that laugh in whatever way I could and decided to try and let it out as a seductive sigh. But clearly the raging conflict and suppression I was engaged in caught the attention of my sexual partner, and he stopped and said “what?” My brain was in such a state of disarray that the seductive sigh came out as I answered his question in the most basic terms possible: “Ben Shapiro,” I moaned. His expression was indescribable. Shock, uncertainty, revulsion, all crossed his face in the same split second. We still did the deed but he didn’t finish lmao. I feel like even if I tried to explain myself, there’s no fixing it. Haven’t heard from him since. TLDR: brain wanted me to make a Ben Shapiro joke during sex, accidentally moaned his name instead Holy shit this blew up. Just gonna address a couple points - this happened mid coitus. After the momentary pause he went back to business. I was kinda frozen up by what occurred and by the time I regained my sense it seemed like I’d be digging my own grave deeper if I brought it back up - obviously I know I did pretty much everything wrong I could have done. That’s why it’s in this sub and not in r/MyLifeIsAwesome. If I could go back I would change things. Next time I’ll just make the joke lol - neither of us has reached out since. I think we’re both happy just pretending it never happened I’m glad my unfortunate sexual encounter could bring y’all so much joy haha. Makes me feel a bit better about it. Maybe one day I’ll try stand up and incorporate this story into my routine haha

No no, you really should share that with him. That went so horribly wrong. At least it would give the guy context.

I (a 18m) fucked up tonight. It was about time I was going to bed, but I needed to take a shower. Right before I went to the bathroom, I popped a warhead sour candy in my mouth. I went to the bathroom, stripped down and hopped in the shower. just as I put my head up in the shower to rinse my face, the warhead in my mouth slipped back and *got stuck in my throat AND I STARTED CHOKING.* I realized this, and after a few seconds of 'AWGHWAGWHAGWH' I jumped out of the shower and RAN out of the bathroom, to my parents room, the only place where people are that could help me. I BARGED into their room, cheeks out, balls-a-dangling, and continued my 'AWAGWGHAWGAHW' noises. Their initial reaction is what you would expect for you to run in buck naked in front of your parents. Then, they realized I was choking, and my dad jumped out of bed, grabbed me and proceeded to do the Heimlich maneuver on me. That hurt like hell, I'll tell you that. after a few reps, the warhead in my throat shot out and landed on the carpet. I collapsed on the ground, soaking wet, legs splayed with His Majesty in full view. I then realized what just happened and I, AN 18 YEAR OLD DUDE, am lying naked in front of my VERY CONCERNED STARING parents. I grabbed the candy, which was lying next to me, shouted a thank you, and BOOKED IT back to the bathroom. I haven't seen either of my parents since, I would like to book a 3am flight to Alaska, if anybody can do that for me HMU TL;DR I choked on candy while in the shower, and my parents had to do the Heimlich maneuver on my naked self.

Meh, remember, they once wiped that junk of yours and powdered it and put a new diaper on there... I think they're happy you're OK and I wouldn't worry too much.

Edit 2: Vielen dank für ihre guten wünsche. Mein deutsch verbessert sich, aber ich lerne immer noch. Ja, ich weiß. Lange zeit. __________________________________________________________ Edit: Wow. Ok. First, thanks for the gold and the silver. My most popular post ever is about me being a moron. Good feeling. Yes, I will never be looking at my phone without sitting or lying down again. Second: for those claiming I'm lying because I haven't answered, I'm Australian dudes. I posted this at 11pm and then went to sleep. I'm in the hospital. Calm the farm. For those who require it though: Broken Leg https://imgur.com/gallery/ur4ietO Third: the language I was working on was German. I'm aware of the limitations of Duolingo, but I find it fun. And I'm pretty addicted to the whole streak thing Fourth: yes. I'm an idiot. That's why I posted in TIFU. Right now I'm in pain and I thought someone might be able to get some enjoyment out of that because of the absolutely stupid reason. _____________________________________________________________ This just happened today, on mobile so please forgive any typos. Including the one in the title. Should be Duolingo So this morning was like any other Tuesday morning. I woke up at 7 ready to head into work for my favourite work day of the week. I was gonna learn some new stuff and sit at a desk, not having to interact with customers at all. I get dressed and head out into our stairwell, not bothering to turn on the lights as I head towards the bottom floor and the garage. As I'm heading down, I figured it was a great time to pull out Duolingo. Gotta keep up with my streak and all that. As I'm completing the lessons, I'm getting towards the dark bit of the stairs. Not noticing or looking where I am going at all, I put out my foot for the next stair and suddenly, I fall. There is a massive crack as my foot hits the floor at a bizarre angle and I let out a scream. I reach down and touch my leg and notice that my shin should not be bulging like that and scream again, this time with more panic. I can't move the leg, it hurts too much. I crawl my way over to the phone and notice Duolingo still open. Naturally the first thought in my head is, 'well, this needs to be closed' before I called my husband for help and some crutches. As I'm waiting for him I look down at my phone. Sure, I'm in immense pain... But those daily lessons... I stabilise my knee and promptly reopen the app. And there I am, waiting for crutches, sitting at the bottom of a stairwell, with my leg and ankle bent in two places in a way those parts were very much not supposed to bend, finishing the very lessons that caused me to fall in the first place. That was 16 hours ago. I am now lying in a hospital bed, unable to sleep, with my broken leg in a plaster cast - and yet still the haunting "Hoooo" of that owl calls to me. TL;DR: I fucked up by keeping up with Duolingo and ended up breaking my leg.

Makes no sense. The Duolingo owl is only supposed to break your legs if you *don't* keep up your streak.

This happened today. Just a few minutes ago, in fact. A bit of context: I got banned from tinder a few years ago for selling feet pics (oops) but was recently single and wanted to get back in the game. After deciding other dating apps were a little too wholesome for me, I decided to go for Tinder. I needed a phone number that wasn’t blocked, so I used my mom’s and then called her and got the code. I figured, she’s like 60 and probably doesn’t even know what a dating app is, so no harm, no foul right? Today we’re all sitting at the table getting ready to eat breakfast and my step dad comes out and sits down. He’s calm as can be as he butters his toast. He glances up from his paper and says to all of us, “I am packing my things and leaving this afternoon.” I almost spit out my orange juice. My brothers start crying. Mom is sputtering, trying to figure out what is going on. She keeps asking why, and he pulls out a literal printed page from the google search results of “what is tinder”. He hands it to my mom. She doesn’t even know what is going on at this point, she doesn’t remember giving me the code months ago. I grab the paper from her and read it, and realize where I fucked up. I turn to my step dad and let him know, frantically, that it was me. He asks why in the world I would need to use her phone to make the account. I scroll through my phone, find an album of different angles of my FEET, and explain to him. He was thoroughly disgusted, and went back to their room through almost tears of laughter. I don’t think he’s still leaving but my family will never look at my the same again. TL:DR: tried to sell feet pics, got banned from tinder, used my moms phone, danger is afoot

You get an upvote for "danger is afoot"

I (25F), work with older people (40 - 50+M/F) and today they added me to the whatsapp work group chat. One of my co-workers came to my desk and asked me if I was aware of what my picture was on whatsapp. I use whatsapp very rarely, mostly with friends if we are not using other apps available i.e. Snapchat. I had to check as I had not been on whatsapp in a while. So I open whatsapp to check my picture and felt like throwing up. So the story behind my whatsapp profile picture is that I saw it on Twitter, showed it to my friends because I thought it was hilarious. One of them said I wouldn't set it at my profile picture, and I said bet. So I set it on an app I never use and completely forgot about it. The picture is a very detailed and pornographic image of Iron Man and Captain America having sex. Picture Attached: [WhatsApp Picture (NSFW)](https://imgur.com/a/MzTNCpr) Once I saw it, I immediately changed it to the most professional picture of me I could find. As I'm panicking and not knowing what to do, wanting to change my identity - a co-worker comes up to me who usually chats with me and is very friendly with me could not even look me in the eyes. My boss saw this picture, all my co-workers saw this picture, I feel like I have scarred these older people for life. Tomorrow I have to go back to work and I don't know what to expect or what to do. TL;DR My co-workers saw a pornographic image which was set as my profile picture on whatsapp. Update: [https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/uu5g8o/tifu\_by\_joining\_my\_work\_groupchat\_and\_now\_i\_feel/](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/uu5g8o/tifu_by_joining_my_work_groupchat_and_now_i_feel/) Here is a link to me telling the friends mentioned about the whole situation for anyone wondering of the aftermath: [https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1490361790](https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1490361790)

Go to work dressed as Captain America .

Obligatory this didn’t happen today, but actually close to a year ago. Last October to be exact. So backstory. I had been dating this girl at the time for about 4 months. Her parents were awesome and loving towards me, helping me with car repairs (her dad is great with cars) and her mom just being a very lovingly mother figure. They just didn’t want one thing: us having sex before marriage. They had a lot of reasons. And we were actually planning on it. But we both weren’t virgins, and her parents had no idea she had already lost her virginity. So of course, temptation got the better of us. Okay, end of backstory. She was a senior in high school and I had just started college about an hour away. We rarely got to see eachother, but when we did, we made it count. We would have fun date nights, cook or go out, and then go back to my place and do the deed. Everytime she would leave I would get sad, but knew I’d see her again. One time when she came up, she told me she needed to let her mom know she made it safely, and tried calling her. No answer. She said she was gonna text her. Made sense to me. Once she said we had, we got right to business. She put her phone on the bed, and I didn’t even Things went on for awhile. Lots of foreplay and we tried some new positions. Lots of fun. And by the end of it, we both laid down and it was dead silent. Followed by some vibrating. It was her phone ringing, but we couldn’t find it. Then we found it under my ass. We laughed about it for a sec, before she answered. It was her mom. And within seconds, my girlfriend’s expression went from one of laughter, to pure shock and horror. Turns out that she hadn’t clicked send on the text she sent out. So her mom has called us during our deed to make sure she was safe, and our best guess is her phone was underneath, and my ass managed to answer the phone. And in turn, she heard some unbearable noises, followed by my girlfriend calling someone “daddy” who was definitely not her dad (the mother’s words, not mine). She told my girlfriend to get her ass home now. My girlfriend started bawling and started having a panic attack. I attempted to calm her down but she wouldn’t. So I drove her back in her car, all while trying to calm her down and make myself remain calm. Her mother called again and started screaming at her, saying “how could she do this” and other things along those lines. My girlfriend said that we were on our way to talk. Her mother absolutely said I was not allowed over. So we got back to our hometown, I parked very close to her house, but far enough where we wouldn’t get caught. She drove home. I called my mom for a surprise “I’m home for the weekend”. She came and picked me up, and I bawled in her arms. I told her everything. She comforted me and told me she loved me and would do everything she could to help. We got back to my house, and I laid in my bed, anxious and nervous. I cried and just waited, hoping to hear from my girlfriend. For the longest time, I thought I never would hear from her again. Then finally, my phone rang, after 4 hours. She said she was coming over and we needed to talk. Once she got to my house, we talked for about 30 minutes. She said her parents were calm now, and then I was gonna be able to come talk. I was nervous, but I loved her so I did it. When I got to their house, I walked in and instantly just started apologizing. I went on and on about how “we won’t do it again” and how “we’re just stupid teenagers” and most importantly how I was gonna “rebuild their trust”. Eventually they told me things along the lines of everything was okay, they understood, and they just wanted us to be safe. We opened up a lot about my girlfriends past relationship, and how that guy had hurt her pretty bad emotionally, and they just wanted to protect their daughter. At the end of it all, I learned they just loved their daughter and didn’t want her getting hurt. But they trusted me. And we are still together, now at 1 year and 2 months in. And everything is cool. Sometimes I worry it’s still weird with her parents, but they still show me the same love and support. TLDR: My girlfriend and I took phone sex to a whole other level. Edit: holy fuck you guys I went to class and come out and this is what I see???? Thank you so much for the gold stranger. My first gold!

That ended a lot better than I was expecting

Obligatory this happened 5 years ago. I had been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks, pretty casual but she was really fun and funny, if not a bit intense. After a few weeks she starts referring to me as her boyfriend and talking about meet her parents, I’m not feeling it but being a douche-y 21 year old I go with it cause she is having sex with me (!!!). So it all comes to a head one night when she pulls me into a room off of her bedroom (insert John Mulaney bit here). Laid out on the floor are dozens if not hundreds of pictures of her. And I’m not talking about sexy pictures (which would still be weird) but regular pictures of her. Pictures with her family, her friends from high school, definitely at least one Christmas card with her whole-ass family on it. She than proceeds to ask me to have sex with her right there. Shit was creepy so I left real fast after I finished. After regaling some friends with that bizarre tale (they were pretty sure she was cursing me or stealing my soul) I cut it off with her and she proceeded to come by my work daily, for hours and stare at me. That went on for a couple of months before we banned her. After that she would send me messages on Facebook about how we were meant to be together and how much she loved me. I’d get a message every couple of months before I eventually blocked her. Haven’t seen or heard from her in years thank god. TLDR: Had sex with a girl on top of a bunch of pictures of her, she proceeds to stalk me for half a year

"Shit was creepy so I left" Of course. "real fast" Understandable. "after I finished." You fool!

Title speaks for itself. I was trying to inject mice to give them cancer and accidentally poked my finger. It started bleeding and its possible that the cancer cells could've entered my bloodstream. Currently patiently waiting at the ER. Wish me luck Reddit. Edit: just to clarify, mice don't get T-cell Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia (T-ALL) naturally. These is an immortal T-ALL from humans. Update: Hey guys, sorry for the late update but here's the situation: Doctor told me what most of you guys have been telling me that my immune system will likely take care of it. But if any swelling deveps I should come see them. My PI was very concerned when I told her but were hoping for the best. I've filled out the WSIB forms just in case. Thanks for all your comments guys. I'll update if anything new comes up

Back in the '70s, my dad (a biologist) was working with a guy who studied this tapeworm that can eat up a deer's brain (it was killing the population he was trying to study), and a human's brain, just as easily. He (the other guy, not my dad) accidentally poked his own finger with a primed syringe full of lethal tapeworm, quite possibly putting a 12-18 month cap on his lifespan. From the next room, my dad heard "Fuck! YYYEAAAAAGHHH!!!" and then the sound of shattering glass. Dude grabbed a scalpel, sliced his own finger open down to the bone, and dunked it in rubbing alcohol, killing any tapeworms that might've made it into his system before his circulation could send them to his brain. He passed out from the pain and broke the beaker of alcohol, and obviously needed a trip to the ER for stitches, but he survived the experience. **EDIT:** Some have asked what the tapeworm was, so I emailed Dad, and he said: > It was either Echinococcus granulosis or Echinococcus multilocularis. The correct names could have been changed by the Taxonomy Politburo since then. It's only been half a century. I don't know what that means, and it may imply that I've gotten some details of this story wrong. If so, I apologize; I just recalled it from memory as best I could.

So I’ve been spending A LOT of time around dogs. I’ve recently been hired by friends families and family friends to walk or watch their dogs. My reddit is COVERED in dogs from various sources. My Facebook is solely dog pages and dog-related charities. Basically everywhere I turn, I see dog. Not a bad life to live. Until yesterday (YIFU I know). I walked one of my mother’s friends dog to a dog friendly pub and sat in the garden enjoying a drink and the sun. It wasn’t very busy with only a few other people sat outside around me. It’s hot. I’ve just walked in the sun for maybe 20 minutes, stupidly, without water. I want to blame dehydration for this FU, but really I know I’m just an idiot. A couple of young ladies are sat a few tables away from me, talking and cooing over a pushchair. My first thought is that in that pushchair... is a dog. I don’t know. It’s a hot day and I’ve seen dogs in pushchairs before. Maybe they didn’t want its paws on hot tarmac. Maybe they’re just a little extra. Regardless, the thought that babies exist didn’t enter my tiny stupid brain. As they got up to leave and walk by me, I decided to be a friendly fellow dog walker and looked up at them, uttered the words “What breed is it?” and gestured towards the pushchair. They looked very confused, and slightly offended, and proceeded to hurry away. It was a baby. A HUMAN baby. I’m so glad they took the traditional British approach of confused stare and silence. If they had said something I think I would have disintegrated on the spot. It was a long walk home after that and thankfully, I didn’t pass anymore pushchairs. TL;DR I asked a woman what breed her baby was after seeing one too many dog on the Internet.

So... What breed was it?

My (31M) wife (32F) and I are in a healthy and happy relationship. That said, we’ve been together since high school, so we both feel that we missed out a little by being each others’ only sexual experiences. We’ve talked about this at length and decided a few years ago that we’re ok with having a few hall passes in our relationship, since we very much intend to stay together the rest of our lives and don’t want any resentment over missed possibilites. Plus it’s pretty rare that we could even find such an opportunity, as it’s a little hard to find hookups when you’re in a committed marriage and don’t go out much. We even gave each other advance approval in case a situation arises, so long as we’re safe about it and tell each other immediately afterward. We’ve both used one HP, each with someone we knew well enough but would never see again, and no issues came out of it. In fact, it’s only made us more secure in our relationship and how much we genuinely appreciate being with each other. Recently, I had to travel to London for work. I don’t normally get to travel for work, so I decided to make a trip out of it and spend a few extra days of my own time in the city after the project was done. My wife couldn’t join because she didn’t have any vacation time left but was very supportive of me taking some time to explore since I’ve never been to London and she has. Being cheap, and being a pretty outgoing guy when I’m so inclined, I decided to stay in a hostel. I was interested in meeting other travelers since I didn’t know anyone in the city and love being sociable with new people. I chatted with several of the people staying there, and in particular a very attractive French girl (mid-20’s) who dressed super goth. For context, I love the goth girl look. I’ve been sucked into the goth gf propaganda online, much to the annoyance of my wife. It isn’t her style, but she has been nice enough to cater to me by putting on a sexy goth outfit on occasion, since she’s knows it’s a huge fantasy of mine. Still, I pester her constantly to be more goth because I enjoy it so much. Anyway, I ended up spending a little bit of time with goth French baddie - we both went to the hostel’s happy hour event and hit it off there. I found out that she was recently single and was in London for an art show. It turned out we were both into emo music, and we talked about our favorite bands. I had the thought that she was acting a bit flirty towards me, but didn’t think too much of it, until I later found myself sharing a sink with her in the hostel bathroom. The hostel was co-ed, so each floor had a small shared bathroom with a communal sink, and a door that was meant to be kept open but which people frequently closed for the sake of having more privacy than just a stall to shower in. So I’m brushing my teeth while chatting up the real-life version of Shadowheart (who, mind you, is wearing an extremely low cut top), when she suddenly closes the bathroom door behind us. In my mind, my wildest fantasy is about to come true. It’s even more exciting because of the adrenaline rush of being in a semi-public setting, and a girl being so into me that she would make such a bold move. I can’t believe this is actually happening to me. I instantly get hard. Then she turns around and asks “Are you interested in learning about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?” She had me cornered for 10 minutes trying to talk me into salvation, while I grew increasingly despondent and immensely disappointed, with the whiplash of going from what could’ve been one of the crowning moments of my life, to pure and utter dejection. When I told my wife this story, she laughed for a solid hour. She said it’s karma for annoying her about wanting a goth gf. TL;DR life dream was to bang a hot goth girl. Thought I was getting the opportunity, but got cockblocked by Jesus Christ. god is real and he hates me.

Not the kind of missionary you had in mind, eh?

It over is a pretty normal day at university and a conversation came up about our parents. A friend of mine, “Jenny” shows us a picture of her father so I pull up Facebook images of my mother and father. A friend of mine saw my father and said I looked just like him but when he saw my mother the color in his face drained. “Chad” watched me scroll down my picture of my mon then asked about my siblings. He described them in detail, PERFECT DETAIL!!! He then said to me, “Lilly, I think I fucked your mom.” I laughed of course, Chad has a reputation and I figured it was a joke until he described my siblings, my mothers home, the neighborhood and ect. I felt horror. Sheer horror. He looked at me, and I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I looked at him! Just a few days ago he was flirting with me and what not! And now I find out, he’s a motherfucker! Literally a motherfucker! TLDR; college friend fucked by mom, described her and my family in detail, and had been trying to put the moves on my days prior without realizing I was her daughter. MOTHERFUCKER! Edit: To clarify some more things, apparently he found her through a hook up ad. She had someone watching my siblings while she took him to the bone zone… so the bed I’ve sat on has mom and Chad juices on them. He asked me to call him daddy now. I feel homicidal. Edit 2: my parents haven’t been together for as long as I’ve been alive. My Mom has not had a long lasting relationship through out my life and I kind of blame myself for that. I say this because I was never an easy kid. I was bitter and sad and no one wants a woman with a child that doesn’t receive the necessary mental help to thrive. My mom and I also don’t have the best relationship either. I always felt she was a bit envious of me do to the fact that I’ve been able to maintain a relationship longer than she has at my young age. While I’m a bit frazzled at the prospect of my friend doing my mom I guess I can’t be mad at him because he genuinely didn’t know. A little ways down the road we’ll both laugh at this. My Giga Chad sigma male friend will not end up sleeping with me tho because I am deeply into someone else. My partner said I should fuck his mom tho to assert my dominance. Update: fucked his dad. I’d been plotting hard and I did it. I fucked his dad. His dad fucked me on Chads childhood blanket.

You should bring him home for dinner sometime. Sit back and take in the awkwardness

This is so stupid and it happened last night and I'm SURE we'll both laugh about eventually but husband is still kinda ticked... So I was being a trash goblin last night and staying up into the wee hours to eat easter candy and play video games, which I don't do that often. Anyway, does anyone else enjoy robins eggs? Those neon colored malted milk ball eggs they sell this time of year? Well, as a kid I used to do this stupid thing where I would lick them and smear the color all over my lips because hey, free lipstick! Do not ask what compelled me to do this, but i did this last night with a blue one. Then of course because I am a trash goblin i forgot all about it, fell asleep slack jawed upright on the couch with the lights on and TV still going. Next thing I know theres shouting, panicking sounds, and I'm being shaken violently, and by the time I come to I see my husband fumbling with his phone? I kind of... flapped my arms angrilly and said something like "whazwrongwitchyou?!" Yeah, he had been about to call 911 because he just walked out on his wife passed out with blue lips, he thought I was choking. He was pretty incensed when I told him it was candy, it's the dumbest thing I've ever had to explain in our whole marriage. TL;DR: I accidentally did a candy coated immitation of the recently deceased causing my husband a panic attack and a near summoning of an ambulence. EDIT- Didn't expect this to be so popular, thanks for the awards, and the discussions on different candy eating rituals! My husband has steadied his nerves and is now just ribbing me mercilessly- not just for scaring him senseless, but also because I've been training for a triathalon and eating really healthily, so this lapse was extra grotesque.

At least you know your husband loves you a lot.

I finally get to post a fuck up. Happened an hour ago, still afraid for my life. My gf and I were playing mario party 7 for the first time ever. Awful game by the way. Anyways, as most of you probably know, you can pick what direction you character travels around the map. The gf, in 3rd place with nearly 100 coins is making her way around the map. The star was right in front of her at the crossroad. As she approached the crossroad to pick up the star, i sarcastically suggested she go right. Which she immediately did. I have never seen anyone so angry in my life, and I've worked both as nightclub security and loss prevention in my time. Nor have I ever been so afraid. She ended the game with 0 stars... "I will kill you in your sleep" she stated. The rest of the game was spent in dread. Its now 3am and I'm hiding in the bathroom typing this while she makes serial killer noises. Goodbye. Tl;dr Mario Party 7 is a terrible game.

I can't believe OP is fucking dead.

So I’ve been living in Japan for almost two years now and have been seeing a girl for about six months. Today being Valentine’s Day, I made reservations for a course meal at a hotel restaurant. Admittedly, it’s not my usual style; I’m perfectly happy going to cheap izakayas and that kind of thing, but variety is the spice of life and we both decided it would be nice to dress up a little and have a fancy meal. Two course meals were already going to set me back a pretty penny, but the fuck up was when it came time to order drinks. As befits a romantic dinner, we decided on a bottle of wine. I have long since decided not to pretend to be a wine expert and to just ask the servers for their recommendation when it comes to this kind of thing. Our waiter went for the drink menu, came back with a tablet, and made a few suggestions, all around the ¥16,000 ($160) price range. Of course I tried not to let it show, but I thought that was a bit on the expensive side and swiped to an $80 alternative. I asked him if it’s a good wine. “Oh, that’s a very good wine, sir.” I told him we’d go with that one, and he politely took the order and left. My girlfriend spent the next 10 minutes or so joking about the wine ordering process, and I thought she was making fun of me for going with a cheaper wine. Fair enough. The wine was served to us and we both agreed it was really good. She kept going with the joking, though, and it was when she said that she hoped that it was 80,000 yen and not 80,000 dollars that it finally hit me. Somehow, even after living here for as long as I have, my brain misfired and I equated 80,000 yen with $80 when it’s actually more like $800. By that point, we were well into the bottle and there was no going back. Needless to say, that was a shocker, but I did my best to take it in stride and just enjoy it. She was pretty cool about it too, laughing about it but also showing concern about the (for us) outrageous price. I’m fortunate enough to not have to worry about it, and I’m thankful for that, but my bank account definitely took a hit tonight. I had to mentally prepare myself for when the bill arrived. Anyway, as I told her, we’ll just be drinking tap water for the next 10 Valentine’s Days. TL;DR - During Valentine’s dinner, messed up the yen-dollar exchange rate in my head and ordered a $800 wine at a restaurant instead of an $80 one. Edit: Well this gained traction while I was sleeping. Here’s the bottle for those asking, complete with wine dribbles on the tablecloth: https://i.imgur.com/Lx4PGvh.jpg

Paying my respects to you. I have a $1000 Egyptian isis (the goddess!!!!) pendant i bought because of the same misunderstanding. It took me like three years to afford a necklace to go with it.

When I was 7 ,about 12 years ago, me and a few of my buddies here playing pretend as spies on the bus home from school. So spy's have the cool invisible speaker in their ears to contact people and I thought it would be a good idea to use a googly eye that I had lifted from school in the place of this speaker. The googly eye idea worked perfectly for a minute until I had pressed it too far into my ear and in trying to grab it out I pushed it even further in. I was kind of worried at this point and decided to ask my big cousin, who was on the bus, if she could get it but she said you couldn't see it in my ear. I could hear it rattling and it was very annoying but being too scared to tell my dad, I stupidly decided to let it be for the time being. After a few days it stopped rattling and i assumed it had fell out and that was the end of that... Skip forward to this Tuesday; I do kayaking at university and got a big slap on the head with a paddle and I was submerged under water, after I emerged and pulled my boat out I could hear a slight rattle in my ear and I knew instantly what it was. It's now Friday and the rattling happens every time I turn my head and I still haven't build up the nerve to go to the doctor and confess my unusual prosthesis. TLDR: Put googly eye in ear 12 years ago, thought googly fell out shortly after... It didn't UPTATE: So this got alot of traction and a good few fellas are posting that they don't believe it, which is fair enough cause I think it's abit mental aswell. However I'll get a doctor's visit sorted by the end of this week hopefully and I'll get some photos up onto the sub in an update post. Alot of people are saying about getting my ears checked up yearly and I can honestly say I don't have yearly checkups or have had an ear exam by an actual doctor, someone correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think they're as big of thing in the UK. Thanks for hearing me out

I'm wondering how gross that googly eye must be by now. Go to the doctor and get that sucker out

Just happened. So yes, today. But not so sure it's a FU. Maybe realization that I've been FUping for like 4 years? So bit of context. I'm a bit of a bigger guy. 6'2" and a fairly huge ass. We moved into our new house 4 years ago and the place has these teeny little doll toilets. They are usable but you have to sit with your knees around your ears. Meh... maybe the place used to be owned by hobbits or something? For the last 4 years every time I take a shit it turns into a "crayon" experience. You know... you wipe and wipe and wipe and every time the TP comes out with a brown streak like you are wiping the end of a crayon. When I think I've finally got things clean I head out for a walk. Half a block later I've got this burning down there and a sticky feeling and when I get home sure enough a chunk of shit has worked it's way down into my ass crack and made a sticky mess between my cheeks and maybe into my under ware. Did I mention this has been going on for FOUR YEARS? Several times I've thought of seeing a doctor and maybe it's some kind of colon cancer or who knows what. Like not enough to really do anything about it... but a worry none the less. So a week or two back our toilet started doing a little mini-flush every few hours. Annoying. The valve inside it was leaking. Some investigation and it turns out this little doll toilet has a strange flush by wire sort of thing and a complicated two stage flusher. Home Depot has a replacement but it's $81. And I hate this thing anyway. So rather than pour good money after bad I headed over to Costco and pick up a new toilet. Changing the toilet on my own was a real challenge. Those things are heavy. I got very sweaty, took off my shirt, hauled the old one out to the garage, got the old icky brown wax ring all over my hands and headed back towards the house. Meanwhile the nice young Christian lady next door pulled up and said "Hey!" Being super sweaty, no shirt, puffing like a hog, I held up a brown apparently shit covered hand and said "I've got some toilet issues!". She looked horrified and quickly closed her garage door. FML. Today the toilet is installed and I decided to christen it with an inaugural shit. Life changing. I finally discovered my 4 year's of FU. With my knees down at the normal position and the bowl much much larger it can now accommodate my entire ass. The shit came flinging out like it should. (Edit for clarity: The old tiny hobbit bowl toilet was apparently squeezing my ass cheeks together preventing a full release of my poo - thus the Crayon effect). Better still, the larger bowl can now accommodate not only my gigantic ass but also my hand can now reach all the way up into my ass crack! I can finally properly clean my poo hole. Couple swipes and no more crayon! I'm CLEAN! I almost felt like running next door to tell the neighbor about my triumph but ya... think I've freaked her out enough for one week. Edit: Well this sure blew up beyond all measure. Thanks for the over 10K upvotes (and counting!). The "helpful" and "wholesome" awards made me laugh but thanks so much for all your kind awards. Many helpful hints on how to sit on a toilet, how to spread ass cheeks and all the rest - much appreciated. I will also strongly consider your suggestions for a bidet. I've always thought they were sort of gross... but reading over what I just posted... ya... not so gross. Even the negative comments made me laugh. Thanks all! You guys are hilariously the best. TLDR; I spent 4 years shitting in a toilet that was made for hobbits.

So did you never shit in a different toilet for four years? Like you didn't notice it was better at work or someone else's house or a hotel or a restaurant or a rest stop or etc? Edit - I sure am learning how much shy poopers love telling everyone they're shy poopers

I teach sixth grade, and today was the first day of (virtual) school. In an effort to make things less boring, we played “two truths and a lie.” I gave the kids my example, which was: “I have two brothers. I’m from Texas. I love horror movies.” Unfortunately, I messed up my own directions and gave them two lies—the brothers and horror movies. For inexplicable reasons, I just...rolled with it, only corrected the brothers thing, and the kids were delighted at my “cool hobby.” Now I have kids excitedly emailing me to ask about my favorite horror movies, and they’ve promised to make me some really fun artwork based on our (presumed) shared love of this genre. Apparently a middle-aged, mom-type teacher who loves horror movies is some kind of unicorn to them, and I don’t have the heart to correct them. I feel my only option moving forward is to just embrace the lie. To get started, I watched a shitty (yet still scary to me) horror movie on Netflix after school. Now Netflix is suggesting other horror movies which I’m afraid of based on the title and font alone, and I guess I’ll never sleep again. TL;DR: Lied to children; must quickly become an expert in a genre of movies I truly hate. EDIT: Thanks for the suggestions! I have a long list of movies get through now. I may end up writing this story for my students (and thus coming clean) when we study personal narratives later this year. Also, thanks for the awards!

I can't believe you lied to us

This happened only minutes ago. The graphics card in my old PS2 decided it wanted to give up on me recently, so I decided to replace it when I had a little extra cash. I was out browsing different sites like Craigslist and the like, when I stumbled upon the PS2 mentioned in the title. It looked like a great deal at the time. $25 to buy it from this guy, whereas a secondhand store in town was selling them for around $45 to $60. At the time, this seemed like a no-brainer. Now, I should preface this by saying that I have a strange faith in the honesty of others. Benefit of the doubt and all that noise. After all, the car I drive now is one I bought from a guy on the internet, and it runs great for something that is 27 years old. Why should this be any different? Starting to sound like a mistake yet? If the answer is "no," then have no fear. That is almost certainly about to change. The model the seller advertised on Letgo was one of the larger black brick models. Like, the first generation ones. When I finally met the seller, we had a brief handshake and exchange. When he showed me the goods, It was actually one of the slim and silver PS2's from later in the console's production run. He told me he had already sold the larger one. My first instinct, as many logical redditors would tell me, is that I should have walked away when I saw I was being sold something that was improperly advertised. Unfortunately for me (and I guess, fortunately for the rest of you reading this), I was not in the most logical mood. It was kind of a shitty drive to a pretty sketchy part of town, and it had already been a long morning. I just wanted to get this thing and go home. Back at the ole ranch, I hooked up the console, slapped in Kingdom Hearts II, and got ready to enjoy the rest of my day. I'm off work and done with class, what else would I do with my evening, right? I was pretty happy with my life until I realized I had been waiting for five or so minutes and the disc wasn't reading. Strange, but not altogether discouraging. I slapped in another game that I new for sure was working. Didn't read. I repeated this several times with discs I knew would work; same story. Now I'm starting to get slightly pissed. I'm sure you can see where this next part is going. I open up the app to message the seller and let him know he had sold me a defective console. Not so much to my surprise, he had blocked me. I've now got no way to contact him. Of course not, he just took me for a fucking ride. All I could do at that point was report him and live in my shame. That, or I could get onto YouTube and try to find a fix for a disc-read error. I picked the latter option and went on my merry way. After a video about a quick mod I could make to the system, I was feeling pretty confident that I was going to get the last laugh on this one. Oh golly gee fuck was I wrong. Now at this point, I begin to tumble from my perch of the high and mighty, and start snowballing right down that tall fucking mountain. I manage to get the appropriate screws out and pry that bad boy open. It's putting up a little more of a fight than I saw in the videos, but why wouldn't it? It was never meant to be opened this way in the first place. With a little elbow grease, it starts to give. I'm also starting to spot a bit of rust in one of the memory card slots. A bit annoying, but the other one was working a few minutes ago so I can live with that. The further I get it open, the more rust I see on some more critical pieces. I'm sweating again, but holding out hope. Finally, the plastic casing comes free, and I experience the joy of a man that is working with his own two hands to solve a problem. I experience this joy for maybe a second and a half. You see, after prying the top casing off of the console, the bottom half sort of clattered back down onto the desk. The first thing I notice is that the inside is covered in rust. The second thing I notice is that some of the rust is moving. Oh, that's not all rust. *Ohsonofabitchthosearefuck-motheringcockroaches.* Do you know that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indiana Jones is like, "Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?" That was me. Except with Cockroaches. They are the one insect that fill me with more disgust than anything else. And now they're crawling on my hands. And these are the quick little tiny ones that don't give two fucks about whether you've stepped on them or not. I threw that whole console on the ground post haste, which only made them more riled up. They're getting everywhere now. I'm yelling for help to my roommates and stomping the ground like a fucking mad man in a fit of terrified panic. You would think that something caught fire with the way I was yelling (which is what my roommate said he thought had happened), but no, just cockroaches. Tiny, $25 freaks of nature. Eventually I managed to eradicate most of the insect horde with stomping and shouting alone, at which point I grabbed a can of Raid from the laundry room and finished the job. At least, I *hope* I finished the job. I'm fairly certain there are at least two of those little fuckers still running around under the bed, but at this point I'm a little too emotionally drained to care. I also get the extreme pleasure of wallowing in the fact that I *basically* just paid $25 to get covered in my least favorite living thing on the planet. Jesus, it's only 3 in the afternoon and I already need a stiff drink. TL;DR: I bought a used PS2 online, opened it up to fix it, and got covered in cockroaches. Edit: Hi, Reddit! I just wanted to say many thanks for the gold AND all the offers for cockroach-free PlayStations! warms my heart, and I'm super happy you guys enjoyed my writing as well. Happy Redditing!

You need to get you some good roach bait traps. Not the cheap shit at Walmart, good bait traps. Because I doubt seriously if you killed them all and if you didn't you WILL have a whole new infestation in the coming months. Especially if you are not super good with cleaning after yourself. Oh...and be glad it was roaches instead of bedbugs.

10 days ago, my younger sister started developing a cough. Understanding I'd now need to shut myself in for at least two weeks, I set about getting a few supplies. Near enough everything was completely sold out online, however, I managed to find an amazon listing for 40pcks of ramen. Couldn't believe my luck! All were sold out bar the spicy chicken flavour. Not a problem - I like a bit of spice. Without reading the ad, I purchased immediately using the buy now button, thinking I'd found the listing just in time... It arrived a few days later and I eagerly grabbed a pack. I noticed it read 2x spicy on the front. No worries, as a Brit, a hot curry and a pint is pretty much a weekly occurrence from birth. I excitedly cook my first batch. Pouring the included sauce on I notice it's blood red, thick and viscous. Once mixed In though it looks OK. The noodles smell great. Oniony, chickeny tomato like smell. Right up my street. I took my first mouthful and messily slurped up the noods, getting the sauce all over my lips. It tasted pretty g- OH MY GOD WTF THE PAIN!!??? It was IMMEDIATELY screaming hot. Intense heat within 2 seconds flat. I coughed, inhaling some of the oily sauce and having it stick to the back of my throat, making me cough more and more. I ran for the milk, which offered me only temporary relief. I suffered through and finished the bowl. By the end, I was crying, sweating, pouring out from my nose and had turned a lovely shade of red. I had a Google of the brand and it turned out these are the hottest ramen available on the market. A limited "nuclear fire" edition release with double the spice of their already extremely spicy "fire" ramen. Just the originals are so hot that it's become a trend online to film yourself attempt to eat a single pack. I now have 39 more packs of the twice as hot kind to get through. I refuse to let these go to waste. I'm 5 packs in so far, each pack literally makes me cry. I sincerely regret panic buying. Let this be a lesson for anyone. Just shop normally and read things before buying them. Don't be a twat like me. Tldr: panic bought the hottest instant ramen on the planet in bulk without reading the product description. Now suffering greatly for my stupidity. 35 packs of suffering left. Ps. My sister had a common cold, nothing to worry about. :) Edit: the noodles are samyang 2x spicy fire chicken ramyun. Alternatively, Google "worlds spiciest ramen" Edit2: Please, get out of my dm's. I will NOT send noods. Edit3: Wow, apparently saying as a Brit I can handle spice makes about as much sense as saying as a fish I can handle dry land. Apologies for triggering the spicelords... Edit4: So you're saying ketchup ISN'T spicy???? Edit5: I have started to piss streams of fire. Genuinely painful burning sensation up through the inside and tip of my wingly wangler. Who'd have thought that was a thing??

That's horrendous. Just make the ramen without the sauce and put your own spices in. Or add less of the sauce so its spread out

My kid is Minecraft mad and has been since she was 5 years old. She's a great builder and comes up with really interesting creations. But she's stuck on consoles and her iPad and has been making noises about wanting mods for the past 18 months. I keep telling her bedrock doesn't do mods and she always replies with "well buy me a computer". Well two weeks ago we were talking about her gym class she goes to where they do fun physical fitness stuff for kids. Its at a real gym with real gym instructors. She said they did a plank for 30 seconds as part of her class. And I (stupidly) said if you can beat my plank time id buy her a computer. Now my time is 2.25. And my wifes is around 3.15. So the gym instructor asked all the kids what their goals are this year. Just a general life thing not related specifically to physical fitness. Some said stuff like "read more" or "finish X game" etc. my kid says "To do a 4 minute plank". Well the instructor suddenly had something he could work with. So he said "ok lets do that!". In my kids bravado she had forgotten the original bet was 2.26 or better. In doing so she overshot it by a fair way and made it considerably harder for herself By the end she was a sweaty crying mess, her form had gone to hell but it was definitely still a plank. The instructor yelled 4 minutes and she said "can i stop now?" between tears and heavy breathing. She stopped at 4.08. Anyway, whats a good mid level graphics card for Minecraft with some shaders? TL;DR Made a stupid bet with my kid about buying her a PC if she beat my plank time. I lost and am now poor. EDIT: Thanks for all the replies, generous offers of parts and build specs! Wow this blew up while I was asleep on Australia time. She woke up this morning and I said "Are you sore from yesterday?" and she says "No why?". Well, now im really annoyed. Promise i'll post an update.

4 minute plank? My life could be on the line and I wouldn't make it past 2 minutes, but your 8 year old with abs of steel can do 4 minutes for a computer. I need to rethink some life choices.

TIFU by dying in class I was in study hall yesterday morning, and I was hella tired cuz I had stayed up late the night before. So I put my head down on the desk and took a fat nap. Shortly after I fell asleep, my nose started bleeding. A lot. There was so much blood, it formed a massive puddle on the desk. Everyone else was gone at this point. My teacher is a G so he lets us play dodgeball during study hall from time to time. He figured I was really tired so he didn’t wake me up for it. Eventually they all came back, and saw me with my head on the desk and a puddle of blood forming around it. They all started freaking out, and all the commotion woke me up. So then I sat up and I was like, “huh?” The end TL;DR: fell asleep in class whilst everyone else was gone playing dodgeball, got a bloody nose, looked like I was dead when they all came back EDIT: did you die? Sadly, yes. But I lived

Hey man it sucks that you died, hope you’re doing okay now.

Sorry for the length and formatting. On mobile. TLDR; I ignored the warning of a friend about a guy who asked me out, I lived to regret it This happened in 2008, shortly after I got stationed in South Korea (Republic of Korea, officially.) I was a lowly private, albeit a reasonably attractive woman in my early twenties. I was out one night with some friends, when a tall, funny redhead guy, who happened to be one of my friend's soldiers, asked to take me out to dinner. Friend told me it was a bad idea. I asked why, but he wouldn't give me details. My exact words were "what's the worst that could happen, I get a free meal and we don't click?" As you may have guessed, this was not, in fact, the worst that could happen. The following evening, we were supposed to meet at the taxi stand outside post, but he was late. He calls to tell me he's at the ATM and ask if I have cash for the taxi. Not a great start, but, sure, I can spring for the taxi. He gets to the taxi stand, we ask the Korean taxi driver, in our mash of Korean and English, to take us to the nearby Air Force base, which houses the only Chili's on the peninsula. Something to the effect of "Adishe, Osan ka-ju-sai-oh" (Sir, take us to Osan, please.) We're going through back roads, and I ask what he thinks of Korea so far. He starts going off on a rant about how "these people don't even speak English" and I must have looked at him like he had lost his mind. As I open my mouth to speak, a little boy loses his ball and runs into the street to get it. This set Red off all over again, talking about "these people have no common sense!" and just really racist, weird and out of touch comments. When he finally takes a breath, I remind him that we're in their country, not the other way around, and that everyone's been really respectful, so I'm not sure what his problem was in the first place. He gets mad, and puts his headphones on, not saying another word to me the whole way to Osan. When we finally pull up to Osan Air Force Base, I lean forward to pay the driver, and he says, in perfect English with an American accent "thank you, ma'am, that will be X amount of wan." and I could feel the blood rush to my face. Red does a double take at this man's English and darts out of the cab. I apologize profusely, and the driver reminds me he speaks English, tells me he spent ten years in Chicago, and that he knows I wasn't the one being awful. I tipped him as well as I could, thanked him, and apologized again. We had to take another, shorter taxi ride once on base to the Chili's. Red remained silent, and, not surprisingly, I paid for this one, too. Red, who is about 6 ft 2, dressed in baggy, bleach-white shoes, pants, t-shirt and baseball cap, decides to go to the restroom as soon as we're seated. He comes back, immediately and loudly commenting on "everyone" staring at him. Trying to lighten the mood, I say that it's strange how clear it is which guys are Army, and which are Air Force. He asks how I can tell, which is almost funny to me, and I use the phrase "pretty boys" to describe the AF guys, and say the soldiers all look a little tougher. He starts *yelling* actually *yelling at me* that if I like AF guys so much, I should go out with one of them. I just stared at him Server comes, I ask for a water- there's no way I want to be drunk around this dude. He insists that the margaritas are the only reason to come to Chili's, and orders one for me. The server is a young woman who looks at me nervously, but I just nod to let her know it's fine. I ordered a Buffalo chicken salad, he orders two appetizers, beer and a steak. I had one sip of the margarita, and "let" him finish it, on top of the three or four beers he has. He snaps at the server, sends his food back, just everything he could have done. We don't talk much. The server brings the check and he says to her "Oh we'll split it right down the middle" or something very clearly to the effect of I'm paying 50% of that number. She looks at me again, and I take the check from her. I am totally done at this point. "Oh, if we're going to split it, let's split it! These beers are yours, the steak was yours, the appetizers are yours... technically the margarita was mine, even though you drank it, but I'll take that and my salad, and you, *sir* can pay for the rest!" The server is just standing there awkwardly staring as I finally raise my voice at this jerk. He opens his mouth to say something and I snap "What?! Did I *miss something?!*" and I hand her cash, as he hands her his card. He didn't even tip, but I did. (Off post, tipping is rude, but, frankly, she more than earned it.) He was totally silent the entire ride back, which, of course, I paid for. I let his supervisor/my friend who had warned me know how it went down, and apologized for not heeding the warning. Somehow, at PT the next morning, Red had showed up in the wrong uniform and was smoked quite severely, I heard, but we never spoke again. EDIT: *Thank you* to everyone who has been kind in the comments. I didn't think my default worst date story would cause this kind of ruckus. INFO: I was an Army medic, stationed on Humphreys at the time. *We were briefed that it was considered rude to tip servers in Korea.* At least one person with more personal knowledge than my own on the matter has clarified this in the comments. I was a server before joining, and strongly support people tipping their servers well and often where it is customary/necessary for them to pay their bills.

You should have stayed in the 1st cab.

So this started 2 weeks ago I went to my mom's house for holidays just left today, so my younger brother(17) still lives with my mom. Doing the basic family reunion stuff catching up bugging my brother about women, when to my surprise he announces he had a GF. Naturally I start being an asshole and bugging him about the fact that she doesn't exist, very cliche stuff. I get to teasing him about him not losing his V card, my mom is not liking the conversation. His gf ends up coming over, I stopped the teasing I'm not a monster. So I'm talking to his gf getting to see why she is with my brother, she's a half decent girl says she's throwing a party but my mom is being a stickler and not letting my brother go. I tell her not to worry about it I'll talk her into letting my brother go out. I get to talking to my mother about how she should let him go, she is being very defensive. My argument was the fact that she sheltered him a little too much, we were raised Ying and yang I grew up partying, doing drugs, teenage gang stuff. He grew up in his bedroom talking to his friends, nothing wrong with it but little to no face to face. Saying how a party would be good for him I even offered to go, (I'm only 23) she was worried about if he had sex and what not, I told her he's old enough she brought up that she had me when she was 17, and didn't want him to make that mistake (I know how that sounds). So I finally convinced her she agreed. So I decide that I need to give my lil bro the wrap your willy speech, he is super awkward about it. I knew my bro was losing it that night. Fast forward to the party, I drop him off so my mom thinks Imma be there. I pick him up he is grinning ear to ear. Bring him home and my mom is not happy with me appearntly her friend saw me at a bar, interrogation begins, he's hung over not wanting to answer. Skip to yesterday, his gf tells him she's pregnant and going to keep it. Well holy fuck did I get reemed out, appearntly she convinced him to go in raw and make her a toaster stroodle. Well as you would all expect a virgins pullout game is not strong, but he has some strong swimmers. So now my mom is pissed and blaming me, my brother is becoming a father, and I'm becoming an uncle. TL;DR Convinced my mom to let my brother go to a party and lose his V card, he got his gf pregnant. Update 1: So she is swearing up and down she has not slept with anyone else, she agreed to a paternity test. So we gotta wait a bit for her to get it. I'm on the same thought train of all of you thinking they were getting frisky for awhile, they have been together for 2 months. My brother is getting tested for STI's I was all over him about that. Also thanks for the gold and silver (I have no idea what that does). Thank you all for the input and advice, and compliments of my writing. Update 2: Everyone is asking for an update, can't really give one we have to wait for her to be farther along for a paternity test. My brother does not have any STI's or STD's my mother is still being unreasonable and blaming me for this,I'm helping him look for work if it does turn out to be his. There are quite a few of you wondering what the "teenage gang stuff" was you can DM and I can explain what I did if curious, how I got out, how my life has changed and all. Update 3: *in Maury povich voice* the test results have come back and you are the father! Mother is crying brother is in shock and the GFs family is trying to convince her to get an abortion. Everyone pray for this child. Update 4: They are keeping the kid, mom still doesn't talk to me, I helped my brother get a job, and helping him graduate highschool. I've started a savings account for him, and my GF and I are going to move into a place with him and his GF to help them out.

Get your brother to take a paternity test, there is something fishy afoot.

This is like out of a damn cartoon. A couple of days ago the cows in my village were going absolutely bonkers. Me not being able to sleep and having an exam in the morning had the billion dollar idea to take my most soundproof earplugs and go to sleep. I fell asleep in like 5 minutes. I also like to set my ringtone to a very quiet bird noise so I dont wake up scared to death and stressed. Of course, how I should have foreseen, I didn't hear my alarm and overslept by three fucking hours. When I woke up, my exam had been over for an hour. Now this is not that big of a deal. I just have to get a doctor's note and I can retake it. So off to the doctor's office I go, trying to fix this mess. I had to come up with a reason why I couldn't go to my exam today. I told the doctor I had massive ear pain, a headache, and some nausea. Doctor checked me and I ended up having an infected wisdom tooth. I just didnt notice it somehow. I had some pain here and there but it felt like it was coming out of my tempomandibular joint wich I have had problems with before. Anyway at least I have my doctors note now. First problem fixed. I chose to get said wisdom tooth pulled because it was crooked anyway and the infection would probably reoccur. Mom drives me to the dental surgeon. I got drugged up real good. Tooth pulled, everything went fine. Got in the car with mom, told her about every time I have done drugs, and about all of the gay sex i have had (she didn't know I was gay). Now I am in a shit ton of pain, my mom won't look me in the eyes anymore, and I cant sleep because the cows are going insane again. TL;DR: tried to bamboozle my doctor into giving me a doctor's note because I overslept my exam, ended up having to get my wisdom tooth pulled and came out to my mother high of off my ass. EDIT: 1.this did not happen in one day. It was over the course of three days. 2.I will not use the enter button. Ever. 3. Earplugs are pura-fit moldex, work great if inserted properly 4. The drug was Triazolam 5. I barely passed the exam. It was math. 6. Some of the comments will look real stupid now

That story got wilder and wilder by the second

So the build up to this fuck up... I work out at home and have done since my child was born. I like to work out to music and there is one particular song that for some reason really helps me get in the mood to squat. It's a song that I'd played for some time without question until 4 months ago because it has a few swear words in it. My child had been listening to the song a lot more because they recently got into dancing to my music, I realised this when they repeated some of the lyrics and I explained to them why sometimes there are words that we don't use and why ect. My child is very emotionally in tune and can express themselves very well. So after this conversation they were very alert to any 'naughty' words, so if they hear anyone swear now they will tell them it's not okay. Let's fast forward to a few weeks ago, my child is now having a lot of big feelings that are resulting in big tantrums. Tantrums where they start lifting their fingers up and crossing them over into the shape of an X, and then saying 'off mummy, off' while moving this little X made of fingers in my direction. That confused me for a bit I must admit. Then came the realisation. We were sat down eating dinner and I said the dreaded word that every toddler hates - 'no'. That one word started something that let me know how intelligent my toddler really is. My toddler lifted their fingers, crossed them over, stared at me and said 'x off mummy'. I sat there for a minute while it dawned on me. I composed myself, and then I asked if 'X' meant something else? My toddler silently nodded while staring at me... I asked what it meant and I was met with 'I can't tell you, it's a naughty word mummy'. This was all the confirmation that I needed but I knew I still had to continue to address this issue. I asked if 'X' was the same word from the song. My toddler broke out laughing, smiled at me and said 'yes mummy'. They had been telling me to fuck off in their own very unique way during tantrums for a few weeks now, and I didn't have any idea until it dawned on me that X had another meaning. TL;DR Toddler repeated a swear word, and got told not to use swear words. Toddler then created their own swear word in response and had been swearing at me for a few weeks

Once my then 2 - 3 year old yelled at me ‘You Are A TOY!!!’ at the top of his lungs. He’d been watching Toy Story and to him? That was the worst insult ever! I had to turn around so he wouldn’t see me laugh!!! Edit: Holy cow this blew up while I was putting that same child to bed! However, he’s now 11 and talks my ears off about Fortnite and Pokemon and Roblox!

My Girlfriend and i love to try a lot of weird sex-stuff to keep things spicy. Yesterday she came along with a balloon fetish she read something about. This does not push any boundaries for wither one of us, so we sat down, had a lot of tequila and blew up some balloons. At one point our inner children came to shine and we just bashed each other with them, some occasional tickling, her screaming and one or another balloon popped. I'll spare you further details, since I'm sure you get the idea. Fast forward to when we were done. We're not tired yet, so we start up some streaming page and watch a movie. after like 5 minutes there is a blast, like someone hit the side of our building with a car, and again and again. i quickly grabbed my underwear from the floor and put them on while drunkenly moving towards the door to check what the hell is going on. I'm still one room from the entrance, but have a line of sight when the door blasted open and a Special Forces Police Unit team of 6 stormed into our apartment. well.. i was standing there, in my undies and deaddrunk. my GF naked in the bedroom even more drunk. I'm doing some occasional artsy craft, and from a sale I got to own about 7 completely disassembled mannequins and baby dolls. For a lack of proper storage they're cutrently spread throughout the apartment. It kinda looks like a cheap horror movie at the moment. So I was laying there, face down and surrounded by taped babydolls and limbs of mannequins. That for sure does not look good. They put a hood over my head and brought my girlfriend and me to the police station for questioning apparently someone heard her screaming and the bangs and thought someone was murdered Well.. I just came home from the police office where I got laughed at for this story and I thought it might give you a good laugh as well. TL;DR spicing up sexlife with things we found on the internet lead to Special Forces Police Unit kicking in our door Edit: it seems important to mention that I'm not based in the US Edit2: yes this happened. i was there when it did. here's the door with one of my babydoll projects in the background: http://imgur.com/gallery/U34z3OG Edit3: police paid for the door. carpenter will come in on monday Edit4: the hood was to protect the identity of the Police Unit since they also do a lot of undercover shit

“I’ll spare you further details because I’m sure you get the idea”. For the life of me I can’t figure out what you did with these balloons. Send help

I work as a waiter in the biggest restaurant of my city, and today the mayor came here for dinner with his friends and his wife He drank alcohol for all the time, and at the end he was drunk as fuck (when he is perfectly lucid he acts like a moron, so imagine how he could be a prick when drunk) At the end of the dinner, after hours passed insulting me and my co-workers, he asked for the fruit and said: "garçon, we want watermelon and you better hope it tastes good" I said ok and I brought the watermelon, he tasted it and he said "it tastes like dick" After saying that, he assumed an arrogant facial expression and a stupid smile, and I literally lost my ability to be calm and patient I just wanted to jump on the table and slap him 'till I was out of strength, but I couldn't My brain took control and said without my consent "so you ate a dick?" The sad thing is that nobody laughed and I lost my job, but I was underpaid anyway. He lost his mind and he literally shout "I'm gonna talk to your boss and after that you won't be able to pay for a piece of bread". I may be unemployed, but I'm happy TL; DR: I work as a waiter and the city mayor came here for dinner. He acted like a prick for all the time, treating me like a slave. When I brought the fruit to his table he said "it tastes like dick" and I answered "so you ate a dick?". At the end I lost my job, but at least I have happiness now...

Maybe you lost your job but he's the one who's eaten a dick.

Happened this morning, about 5 hours ago. I was on my way to work, following a guy towing a trailer behind him. I noticed some sparks coming from somewhere underneath the trailer. Normally, I wouldn't think twice about it, but I was having an especially good morning and wanted to help. Plus he was hauling a decent sized excavator and didn't want something to happen to it, because it looked pretty new. We pull up to a stop light, and I hop out of my truck to run up to him and let him know. Apparently he didnt see me, because when I said excuse me (his window was open) he turned and punched me in the jaw. Being one who didn't want to escalate the situation, I let him know about the trailer and proceeded to apologize for scaring him. As I turned around to go back to my truck, the light turned green. The way this intersection is, there is the lights we were waiting at and another light 50 back down the road to tell incoming traffic what the light is, as it's somewhat if a blind curve. As I'm walking back to my truck, a woman comes around the corner and slams into the back of my truck, pushing it forwards into me. It didn't move very fast, but hit me hard enough to knock me over and crack a few ribs. She then gets out and yells at me for being stopped at the intersection as I'm laying on the ground in quite a bit of pain. The way she viewed it, I was an 18 year old kid who got out of my truck to do something stupid. The cops got there and she got cuffed after trying to assault one of the officers. TL;DR I stopped to tell someone about a chain dragging under their trailer, got punched in the jaw and hit my my own car Edit: to all the people saying trucks often drag chains, this wasn't a semi or tanker truck. It was just a couple dudes hauling their excavator to a dig site in a ford F-350

Show me on this map of Florida where this happened to you.

So yeah, the majority of you were right, they were having sex (I did think it sounded like it). They ate some hummus first, then put it away (didn't do anything at the same time like some of you freaks suggested) and then had sex. My son's boyfriend (I think they're boyfriends) saw the post and couldn't stop laughing, so told my son (thinking it could be about them) who told me because I think he felt a bit guilty about hiding it. Other than that, nothing really exciting happened. We had a long awkward talk, I told him I don't really endorse him having sex but he should really use a condom etc. Now onto the more important thing, hummus. I really like hummus now, I'd never had it before because it just looked kinda disgusting (yellow and sludgy) but I have learnt appearances can be deceiving. It was homemade so I'm going to have to ask for the recipe so I can make some more (I've finished all of it) Also what are some other good things to dip in it? I've tried the obvious things (carrot, cucumber, breads) and any suggestions would be appreciated. A lot of people have recommended Baba Ganoush as well? Is that similar or better than Hummus? TLDR: My son is actually gay, but also I really like hummus

This has to be a troll 🤣

I've been a self-employed confectioner for the past two years and I recently started trying to get back into one of those fancy jobs with an office thingy again. I should also mention that for almost ten years I've used the same handle across multiple social media platforms. It's by no means a secret identity, but it's also not explicitly connected to my real name. Or so I thought. I had been happily emailing my resume and cover letters to many potential employers when I received this email from one that I was particularly excited about: ***I have to say when "Titty Boobowitz" appeared in my inbox I got quite a chuckle, and had to figure out where that came from! Your twitter profile is great - so much personality!*** ***I look forward to reviewing your application and will be in touch shortly.*** Ooops. My stomach fell right out of my ass when I read that. And of course the most recent thing I had tweeted was just a stream of swear words. I tried to do damage control, but I did not have high expectations. Today I finally received the follow up "you're not moving on to the interview process" email. TL;DR: Somewhere along the line while I was connecting social media accounts to my email, my real name was changed to Titty Boobowitz in gmail and I never noticed. Then I attempted job hunting. No wonder I got no responses. EDIT: Just because I didn't make it clear - I emailed a gracious response to the person who does the hiring to let her know that it was my unintentional, embarrassing oversight and I appreciated the heads up. We had a warm back and forth, it was a positive experience overall. I'm relieved to know that this kind of thing happens to TONS of idiots like me. At least I didn't put "attention to detail" anywhere in my resume.

Here is the bright side, you can just re-apply with your real name now. "omg this guy is just as qualified as Titty Boobwitz but not insane, let's hire him"

&#x200B; So some background: I'm a college student and due to the current situation I am using Zoom on a regular basis for all of my classes. Typically in my in person classes, I am usually just there and get my work done and leave, I usually just blend in and go under the radar in most classes. Basically, I have recently been seeing the memes and TikToks of students joining with funny backgrounds, and some are hilarious. So last night, I'm sitting in my room, bored, and decide I want to try some out for fun on my own Zoom call and see which one is the best. Basically, I found the best background to be [this one](https://imagez.tmz.com/image/12/4by3/2020/03/19/1231d07ca52a4a5ca98d72132a0c0e6f_md.jpg) and I'm just having a good time. I am thinking, “who could consciously join their class with something like this with your face and your name on it?” **Mind you, I am under the assumption that this simply stays in one call and goes away.** I am sure you can see the fuck up already. Fast forward to this morning, I join my literature class for presentation day, and I am not paying any mind to my own screen as I am half asleep and just woke up for this. Suddenly the professor gasps and starts cracking up, as does everyone else, when the professor is like "[/u/iamnotonaplane](https://www.reddit.com/u/iamnotonaplane/) WTF is that on your screen", and I am like "Whats what?" when I open my own screen and see myself inbetween the legs of the one and only. Time to drop out. FML. &#x200B; TL;DR accidentally joined my zoom call for my class with a large black dick in my background. EDIT: Thanks for the gold!

Now that is hilarious. I'll give you an F in chat for this one.

About two hours ago I was heading home with a bunch of shopping bags, and I saw a cat sitting in the corner of a side street, so I approached the cat and went "psps hey baby!", and I see a woman coming out of that side street. We lock eyes and I immediately say that I'm talking to the cat and point at the cat, only to do a half step on the sidewalk, twist my ankle, fall down, hit my right leg hard on the street (not sure exactly how it happened as I just ended up on my back with a lot of pain in my leg), with one of the bags I was holding ripping open and my things scattering near me. I heard laughter and a dude ran towards me and helped me get up while another collected my things and put them in the other bags for me. They made sure I was ok and left. Then I stood there in pain and extreme embarrassment for a couple of minutes. Tl;dr I catcalled a cat, worried a woman would think I was harassing her, tripped, fell, got hurt and embarrassed.

Well that's the most random clusterfuck hahah. Whatever tension she might've felt got finished with your fall, if that serves any consolation

We had a wonderful evening together. Had some drinks and played video games until the early am — way past either of our limits and either of our bedtimes. We topped the evening off with some marital bedtime bliss and fell asleep holding each other... ...and I very nearly never woke up. I am a person with environmental allergies. I had never before experienced anything as severe as anaphylaxis, but the allergies have undoubtedly gotten worse as I age even with medication. My wife, meanwhile, is a person with chronic pains. Her physical therapist had recently sold her a topical pain salve made from all natural resources. On the night in question, my wife had applied the salve to her sore neck hours before I fell asleep with my face cradled there. This pain salve, as it turns out, is a simple mix of poplar buds and honey. I am very allergic to poplar. Sedated by the wine and extreme fatigue of a late night, my body slept through the early warning signs. By the time I woke up, I was covered head to toes in hives and struggling to steal gasps of air. My fingers and toes were completely numb. Nothing made sense to me. I’m very happy to report that the medications I have on hand curbed the attack, but another hour asleep might have done me in, or at the very least sent me to the ER. Wifey threw away the salve. God I love her. TL;DR: Amazing date night with my wife almost ended in fatality when I passed out in a puddle of allergen and nearly experienced my first episode of full-on Anaphylaxis. Wife continues to be amazing woman worthy of love and adoration.

This is also why access to an EpiPen is vital. The people I know who really need one either _don't_ have one because it's expensive or have a super old expired one... because it's expensive. Edit: u/Cheibutbetter suggested an affordable option: >I would recommend anyone struggling to afford EpiPens ask their allergist if **Auvi-Q** is available to you/suitable for you! If it is, ask them to prescribe it and jump on that! Edit 2: u/the_crumb_monster had a helpful tip! >I work in an assembly plant making a generic epinephrine device. If the cost of an Epi-pen is prohibitive, **have your doctor write the prescription for an epinephrine auto injector.** If they write Epi-pen most pharmacies do not allow a generic to be substituted. Certain doctors definitely write Epi-pen intentionally but that's a discussion for another time.

So, the day started out wonderfully. I woke up around half past six, went out to see that there is absolutely no one at the beach. I quickly ran downstairs, ate a bagle, while putting on my swim trunks. Looking at the clock in my living room I was happy with the amount of time it took for me to get ready and rushed off to the beach. Once at the beach I took of my shirt and layed on the sand for a while. All that sun and the gentle rolling of the waves put me to sleep pretty fast. To my surprise I nodded off a fat one, three hours had past since I fell asleep. I was woken up by the screeching of seagulls and yawned while still laying on the sand. When suddenly something wet and mushy landed right in my mouth, yea that's right a seagull shat in my open mouth. Four hours and 3 tubes of toothpaste later I can still taste the soury bitterness of the turd. TL;DR Yawned at the beach and a seagull shat in my mouth. Edit: Oh my, didn't expect that this shitty story would blow up like this. Some say that that brings good luck, guess it brought me good karma, also thank you for my first award yay! Edit 2 lol: For all of you who were wondering if I got a sunburn. The sun here isn't all that strong in the morning, so I got off without a sunburn.

Holy shit.

I am so beside myself with shame that I almost couldn’t bring myself to post this. But reddit karma is my mistress and I must heed her sweet call. So yesterday was my sister’s birthday (this fu didn’t happen today, yadda yadda), I was waking up from a dead, night shift worker induced sleep when my teenaged sister wandered into my room to proudly boast of her garnered treasures. “Look what mom gave me,” said my poor sister, unaware of what was about to happen as she placed a pretty little golden ring with her birthstone into my palm. Now, I cannot stress enough that what happened next took nothing more than a split second. I looked at that ring in my hand and I just got this image of me throwing back my head and swallowing the damn thing like a Looneytoon. My primitive ape brain said “funny joke!” So I did it. I think it was the next split second when I saw the horror in my sister’s eyes and felt the ring slide past my gullet that I realized what a horrible mistake I had made. So my little sister runs screaming from my room and I hobble out as well, head bowed in repentance and eyes brimming with shame as I admitted that I, a twenty year old grown ass woman, had swallowed my little sister’s ring. No, I didn’t know why I did it. Yes, I am an idiot. No one was amused and everyone was very mad, which is very understandable. So brief intermission from my sister’s birthday as I make a quick excursion to the ER, where my story is once again not found funny by anyone and is met with either stern disapproval or a remarkable sense of passivity, like you could see in their eyes that they had seen endless shit and to them I was just a simple drop in the ocean of human stupidity. They took a couple X-rays and I hung around the ER for about 8 hours before they broke the news that I was going to live (much to my mother’s chagrin) and to go home and wait for nature to take its course. I shat out the ring this morning. Happy birthday sis. TL;DR: I am an idiot and I ate my sister’s ring because I thought it would be funny. EDIT: good fucking god my inbox. Tune in tomorrow morning and I’ll share a picture of the accursed ring EDIT 2: no, not a picture of it covered in shit. EDIT 3: front page!! We did it reddit. [Here’s the the divine artifact, as promised](https://imgur.com/gallery/PVA6Zvh). May it’s legend be told for many generations to come.

Is she really gonna want to wear it again? "Yeah it's my birth stone. It also came out my sister's ass"

> So for a bit of a light hearted break from all those creepy incest posts- this actually happened yesterday but I am ready to laugh about it now. > >Theres this other mom at my daughters daycare, and she is hot to trot. She looks like a buff version of morena baccarin (sp?) and to top it off shes super cool and fun to talk to. I don't really know her outside of drop off/pick up time but we're always friendly and make basic chit chat when we see one another- smile, say good morning, comment on parenting, etc. > >Well I recently had a pretty drastic schedule change at work and my husband became the primary daycare drop off/pick up for about 2 weeks while we all adjusted. Things settled down and I was able to start being the primary again, and a few days ago I saw hotpants lady- she was still her beautiful self, but had put on about 50lbs- I was astonished, she was always ultra fit, how on earth did she do that in 2 weeks? To top it off when I said hi the first morning I was back she barely made eye contact with me and just gave me a half smile and curt nod. I asked my husband if he noticed the change and he said he just thought maybe her recent switch from workout clothes to big dresses were making her look bigger. Maybe? No, she was definitely more voluminous. I spent 2 more days trying to catch her eye and facing chilly disposition and I finally decided to try and reinitiate friendly conversation with her. > >Me: "Hey, I haven't been here for a while, good to see you again! You been feeling ok?" Her: "Oh, yeah, but I haven't been here in months." Me: (not catching on) "Oh? Haha, everything is such a blur with kids, I never know what day it is anymore" Her: "I suppose, but I wouldn't know, I only watch my nephew when my sister is out of town." Me: (realization hitting like a thunder clap) "oh, OH! So you're..." Her: angrilly interupting "Yes, I'm the fat twin. I've seen you staring at me trying to figure that out." She just sort of stalked off, leaving me mortified- and now I've got to put my husband back on daycare duty for several days to avoid the humorless wench who has clearly been eating all the chips on her shoulder. > >TL;DR: I didn't see this sexy fitness goddess at daycare for a fortnight and assumed she had put on an amazing amount of weight- only to be snapped at by her plushy twin. > >edit: this sort of blew up and I realize I made some weird formatting error on mobile, making it hard to read- I hope I've fixed it!

She must be pretty sensitive about her weight/being compared to her sister for her to snap at you that way... Of course people are going to be confused if they don't know that you're a twin (especially if their facial features are very similar). I've had a total stranger come up and hug me, believing that I was my sister. Sometimes it's just difficult for people to tell.

I guess this is more of a positive fuck up, but still a fuck up. Anyway, I've been smoking (just cigarettes) regularly for a bit over 4 years now. I really like smoking, it relaxes me, clears my head, and I love the taste of different tobaccos. Well, loved. I don't smoke a lot unless I'm out with friends, which as you can guess it's something that's just not happening during this pandemic. As a result, I've spent the last month or so smoking just a couple of cigarettes a day, which really enhanced my sense of smell. Well a couple of weeks ago, I've had a terrible sore throat, to the point of not even being able to talk; smoking was out of the question, as it was simply too painful. My cravings were easy to manage, as I already didn't smoke a lot. Fast forward 10 days, I'm feeling alright again and I finally grab a cigarette. I light it up, inhale... And it tastes like absolute shit. It feels like I've licked clean my ashtray, nothing at all as what I'm used to! The smoke itself that's coming from the cigarette has a barely tolerable smell, I just can't stand it. So here I am now, almost a week later. I'd really like to smoke, I loved it so much, but it's just so disgusting I can't bring myself to do it. I've tried, but it's just horrible and the taste just seem to get worse. I had no plans to stop smoking anytime soon, this was 100% not intended and I'm actually pretty annoyed by it. I guess it's good for my health and everything, but I'm probably one of the only idiots in this world that accidentally quit smoking. This whole thing sounds so stupid. Edit: holy hell somehow this reached r/all I’m getting a lot of comments and while I might not be able to reply to all of you, please know that I’m reading them all. With so many people sharing their positive experiences about quitting and showing support, I’m actually quite happy this happened to me now. I might be pissed off today but I’ll probably be happy about it in the long run. Thank you! Edit 2: I’ve literally just received the results of my Covid test: I’m negative!!! I saw a lot of you guys were worried since altered taste and sore throat can be Covid symptoms, so I thought I’d update on my test results here. No Covid for me, the cigarettes taste bad for real! Tl;dr: Had a really bad case of sore throat that forced me to give up cigarettes for 10 day. Now they taste like absolute shit and I'm actually pretty pissed of because I had no intentions of actually quitting.

Worked at a bar part time and picked up a full smoking habit. I stopped working at the bar then the world got shut down. I can't remember the last time I smoked a cigarette and I love it.

TLDR; sister died and left me her home, parents tried to sell it so I had to explain the will. Now they’re gonna sue me. [edited to fix spelling / grammar / weird ass sentences I used] My 36F sister died 6 months ago from a heart condition. She practically raised me so it’s been difficult to deal with. I’m in my final year of University and have failed every single class this semester. She’d be disappointed but it is what it is. My sister never married, never had children. I lived with her near campus. She ran her successful side business, I got to help her occasionally as a paid intern. She worked a lot but not to support us, she wanted to retire by the time she was 40. She would’ve been done in 4 years and her heart had to fail her first. When she died, her attorney read her will to me. She had left everything to me. She had a generous amount of money put away for her retirement and side accounts for various activities for her retirement. I did not know that she had made several real estate investments so she could continue living a comfy lifestyle once she retired. She left her 2006 Subaru to me and willed our current house to me as well. She left nothing to my parents but as they didn’t know she had assets, they willingly paid for the funeral and any other associated costs. My sister was no contact with our parents and I’m very low contact. We are their only two children. At the funeral my parents asked me how I was going to continue going to college without her money (lol, they thought she paid for them. Sike I have student debt.) I told them I’d continue to take out loans. They asked about my living arrangements and I shrugged, at the time I didn’t know all the details anyway. Well 2 weeks ago, I found out my parents tried to sell my sisters house whilst I still lived there. They brought a realtor and toured our home and everything. it was all on the cameras set up in the home. When I called them and informed them I’d be calling the police, they explained the situation. I told them it’s my home and it was willed to me. They couldn’t sell it. They were confused heavily. I told them to meet at my attorneys and set a time. Cue today. My attorney explained the will to my parents. My mother went white as a sheet and my father was grumbling about suing me for his rightful money plus the cost of the funeral. My mother began ugly sobbing telling the attorney he was wrong, her daughter would not leave the house to someone like me. The attorney cut the meeting short and now we’re preparing for the inevitable lawsuit coming my way. I just want to sleep and avoid all of this. just some added info: mom is a stay at home mum but like the kind who spends her life at the country club, not the involved kind. Dad is a business man and is typically on business trips for weeks at a time. They live, as they call it, lower upper class. edit: I didn’t expect this to blow up tbh, thank you everyone for the support. I’ve gotten to read almost all the comments and I feel a lot less anxious now. I did talk to my professors and 4/6 of them gave me extensions but the other two are being jerks about it. It’s fine tho. I did sign up for my schools grief group. I just got done changing all my locks too. Thanks to everyone who helped me with home stuff too, I’ll be sure to watch the home insurance bill or get a financial advisor or something. My sisters degrees and mine are in the same field so I’ll be continuing her business too and I’ll need a real estate attorney to redo the leases on her other rentals I guess. I don’t know it’s overwhelming. edit2: since this keeps coming up, I stupidly gave them a key a few months after she passed. I didn’t know they’d even be trying this until after the fact. The will doesn’t say anything about them but I’m leaving it up to the attorney to figure everything out. I will be paying them regardless for the cost of funeral, celebration of life, etc. Final Update for now: father sent me a text apologising, said he wanted to sell the house because of the market right now but won’t push me. will give more details at some point, gonna see how this plays out first and I’ll give an official update at some point.

Imagine losing your child, and being mad about not getting money from it

**My Experience:** I’ve had small amounts of bright red blood on my stool for years. I had always dismissed this finding because I’m young with a horrible diet. I have always been taught that black stool is the worrisome stool, as that’s indicative of upper gastrointestinal bleeding, whereas stool that has bright blood just indicates hemorrhoids. **My logic for dismissing the bright blood on my stool:** \- I’ve had a diet consisting of high sugar + high fat, processed foods with low fiber in addition to being very inactive causing constipation and straining – So, bleeding from straining just “made sense”. I’m 6’1 @ 225 \- Blood was not consistent-- It came and went. \- There was not a lot of blood, and when there was it looked like skid marks on the stool (something I thought was “obviously” related to hemorrhoids \- I’m young (29) \- Family history of hemorrhoids, so I thought me having hemorrhoids was just part of the family business \- Lack of education – especially knowledge relating to polyps (an abnormal tissue formation resembling a skin tag in the colon). **Why I eventually met with a GI specialist:** The blood in my stool became more of an everyday thing that lasted for a month. From my perspective, that frequency was abnormal. My GI doctor thought it was more than likely hemorrhoids, but still recommended a colonoscopy because no matter what, blood in stool, especially in young adults, is not normal should ALWAYS be inspected. **What was found from the colonoscopy:** A 20mm polyp. To put in perspective, a 10mm polyp is considered big. The polyp was sent to pathology and in a few days I received a call. **Pathology:** They discovered that cancer had formed on the polyp. It’s more of a rare cancer (<1% of colon cancers) that is unfortunately a bit more aggressive than the average colon cancer. At this point, I’m had been staged at stage 3a. After getting part of my colon (large intestine) removed and six weeks later, I will now be starting chemotherapy in five days. The doctors do feel I have an 80-90% chance of being cured with chemo’s assistance. But what’s more interesting about this cancer is that it is most common in younger people (around later 20s-30s). **The doctors mentioned that they are seeing colon cancer arise more often in young people.** **TL;DR:** If you have blood in your stool, you more than likely do NOT have colon cancer. But you should get yourself checked by a doctor if you are having this symptom just to make sure there is nothing going on. Edit- some clarifications: -cancer formed on a polyp relating to the length of time it had not been addressed. -i now have no blood in my stool after the polyp was removed -the type of cancer I have is adenocarcinoma with signet ring cells -I've decided to document myself as I progress through chemotherapy for myself, but also to help increase awareness. Link to my first video basically restating everything I've stated here. I will additionally answer questions in a video response format to help save time, as it might be more bearable to respond in that manner than time during chemo. https://youtu.be/DJCkUGaN6eU https://www.twitch.tv/nursedaveith is another place you might be able to find me if you have any questions.

Um unexpectedly great advice

Happened about a week ago, but I've been hesitant to post this as I wasn't sure if it really fits. No one involved in this story is a minor. Tl;dr at bottom. I am a freshman in college, and have fairly quickly settled in with a group of friends, which is awesome. There are about six of us, and we were all eating dinner in our university's dining hall one night. We were just chatting when one girl went to show us a picture on her iPhone. She was scrolling through her camera roll when she suddenly recoiled and started nervously giggling. "What?" the collective asked. "There's some dude's DICK here!" We gathered around her phone to see that indeed, there was a photo of a man's penis, as well as a fully nude full body mirror selfie (notably, without face showing). We laughed about it for a second before trying to figure out how the hell the photos got there. We looked at the time it was saved to the phone, about noon, and figured out she was in class while it happened, so no one could have put them there when she wasn't looking. We also realized it wasn't a young body, it was a classic dad bod, and the guy was wearing a wedding ring. We couldn't figure it out until something occurred to me. Before I turned the setting off, everyone using my family iCloud account (my parents and brother) had access to my photo stream- they could see most of the photos I saved to my phone. This got annoying after my mom started questioning things I had saved (nothing bad, just weird memes or out of context texts from friends) so I turned it off. Without thinking of the consequences, I asked her if she shared an iCloud account with anyone. She said she shared one with her parents. She got quiet for a moment before the realization hit the entire table. I've never seen someone go from laughing to crying so quickly. The rest of our group was silent for a minute until the situation was explained to the android users among us- that this poor girl had almost definitely seen her father's penis. We sat there for probably another fifteen minutes trying to comfort her with an alternative explanation, but what can you say in a situation like that. The image is burned into all of our minds. I've never met her father but I'm terrified one day I will, and that he'll have a dad bod and a gold wedding ring and I'll know exactly what his penis looks like. Tl;dr: Friend found unexpected dick pic on phone, I can't keep my mouth shut, told her it was near certainly her dad's penis shared through iCloud, and now none of us are okay. Edit: Clarifying the tl;dr Edit 2, electric boogaloo: Why on earth is this on the front page of reddit. Also thanks for the silver Edit 3, freud enters the chat: Since like half of the comments are "why would you cry from seeing your dad's dick": * We are all Americans and nudity, esp with your family, is more taboo for us * We are assuming these were taken in a sexual connotation, which isn't really how we like to think about our parents * It wasn't crying like OH MY GOD WHAT WILL I DO, it was more a mix of laughter and crying like "I can't believe this is what just happened" Edit 4, the (provable) finale: I’m not posting a picture of this man’s penis you nasties

You hear that? That’s the sound of thousands of iPhone redditors suddenly checking to make sure that setting is turned off. ~~EDIT: A lot of replies I’m getting suggest that people are misunderstanding the situation. I don’t believe OP is talking about sharing a single iCloud account (username and password). OP is talking about a feature where multiple iCloud accounts can be linked via Family Sharing. This allows purchases on one account (apps, music, movies, etc.) to be accessed by all, without the need to share account credentials with multiple individuals (which, as multiple commenters have pointed out, is colossally stupid). Family Sharing also allows for the sharing of photo streams which is where OP’s story comes from.~~ ~~So to all of you saying, “Why would you ever share an iCloud account?” That’s not what’s happening. Family Sharing has its uses, but it can also be problematic.~~ EDIT 2: Maybe I’m wrong. I re-read OP and it does sound like their friend was sharing a single iCloud account. Yeah, that’s stupid.

(UPDATE AT BOTTOM!) This happened yesterday. I can't wait until it's much further away than that. So this is a throwaway, I have \*(had) another account where I like to post nudes of myself. That can be your judgement, and why I do it is a whole other conversation, lol, but I do. As a straight guy who posts nudes, most replies I get are from guys. But occasionally I get replies from girls who frequent these subs. My face is never in the photos, nor anything very defining about my outer appearance. Just my... ya know, body. So I had a girl reply to me a week or so ago from a throwaway account and we chatted and actually hit it off pretty well. Our conversation was sexual and non sexual, but was really fun. She said she had some nudes too but she didn't want to post them, so our conversation moved from reddit. A lot of people in the "nudes" community use Kik, so that is what we used (no phone numbers exchanged). She is from a large city on the other side of the country as I am, but conveniently I was traveling there next week (this week). We started sharing some fantasies and ideas about what fun it could be to actually meet up. She worked in a big corporate building, and told me she always had the fantasy of a delivery guy coming in, no words exchanged, and he would drop to his knees and lick her pussy and ass until she came, and then he would leave. This idea turned me on like crazy too, so we started to work out the logistics. We decided I would carry an envelope and say its for office "XXX," she would already tell reception she was expecting this delivery and that she had to sign for it personally. No names needed. Most importantly we decided we weren't going to exchange face photos...we had already shared WAAAY too much, and were super attracted to each other based on bodies and conversations. We literally shared dozens of nudes, even some videos. And lots and lots of dirty dirty sexting. So along comes yesterday, the big day. I'm so worked up. She's so worked up and sending me photos of where in her office this will happen, what kind of panties she wore today. Shows me that she is already masturbating. Etc. Oh lord, etc. I text her and tell her I'm in the building. I get to her office, my heart is racing but I'm beyond excited. I see the receptionist, tell her I need a signature from office "XXX" and she points me in the right direction. As I walk up, I see the name on the door. My cousins name. My first cousin, who I have known my whole entire life. My cousin, who I spend every holiday with and am very close with. It can't be, I think. So I knock and she says to come in, and, yes...it her. And she is obviously masturbating under her desk, assuming this "guy" was going to walk in. I just peak my head in, leaving my body and the envelope outside of the door and say "Heyyyy Cousin, I was in town and thought I'd stop by!" She is blushing bright red and obviously flustered and says "OMG COUSIN!" and gets up to hug me. I literally drop the envelope in the hallway and come in, and we have a really awkward conversation. She tells me she is about to step into a meeting, and to hit her up and we'll get drinks that night. I race out, grab the envelope, go downstairs and delete all of my accounts. She surely thinks this guy ghosted her, I really don't think she thought it was me. Maybe I read her face wrong, but her embarrassment seemed to be more about maybe catching her in the moment. I'm sure the receptionist told her that the delivery guy came, but maybe she just thinks there was a confusion with me sneaking in. I don't know really though. I texted her later and told her I was too busy for drinks, but maybe tonight. We're supposed to get a drink tonight. I'm petrified and don't know how in god's name I will be able to make eye contact with her. edit: It's hard to reply to all of the comments, so I'll say some stuff here. She works for a very large company in a very large city. She told me what floor to go, I honestly didn't even pay attention to the company name when the elevator opened. I DO know what company she works for, and its not hard to find the address if I wanted. Like I said, it's a big company, and not a shock that I could pop in. Yes she is on reddit but I highly doubt she will see this post. She told me she uses reddit for porn only lol. edit 2: Headed out for drinks now. Wish me luck guys. I think i’m going to be honest. I don’t know. edit 3: Well, first of all, Id like to address everyone calling BS on this. It seems highly unlikely, implausible, and all of that. I agree and would call BS reading this also. I can’t really defend it or prove it (or can I? if i can let me know how. also this a throwaway, not sure what i get out of this karma? let me know if you want my account or my gold lol, I could give a shit!) • She doesn’t have a reddit account, she just goes to porn pages with the r/subshelikestovisit. • She lives in NYC, it’s big. The buildings are big and the company she works for has multiple offices and does many things. It didn’t occur to me, I guess I was worked up. • I come here often, it’s not that I didn’t call her, but sometimes when i’m here she’ll dm or comment on my insta story and say “hey come by and visit next time” • In our scenario setup she told me she would tell reception she was expecting a package that she needed to sign for. There was no door man or anyone else I needed to get past. I don’t know if that is weird in an office building but that is what happened. • We didn’t actually say “hey cousin” lol, i’m just censoring our names for the post. • Yes guys post nudes to reddit, I would mostly post to ladybonersgw, penis, and massivecock. (purposely not linked, check them out at your own risk/interest) • I’m 35, she’s 26. • I deleted my account after freaking out, but I’m sure I’ll post again and I’ll let you know lol. oooookay, so now onto drinks. I decided to just come right out and tell her because i felt bad ghosting and also couldn’t fucking focus on anything else. And as many of you guessed, she knew. She didn’t buy the “i just popped in”. She figured it was me, asked the receptionist to confirm, and even worse, thought that I knew it was her all along and felt kind of gross. I assured her I didn’t, it was really weird. We slowly got past it and had our drink, and another, and got a little more comfortable and started to actually talk about all of the things we said and showed each other. We complimented each other on our, assets lol, and realized freakiness must run in the family and shared stories we had heard about relatives over the years. We talked about if we actually did anything, it’s a slippery slope, because we do see each other fairly often. And then we had another drink. And then I licked her pussy and ass in the bathroom of the bar. I stroked myself while I did it, and after I made her cum she helped me out. We promised we would never do this again, but I think we’ll get drinks one more time before i leave. judge away, people. tl:dr - Post nudes on reddit, girl replies with elaborate sexual fantasy, go to act out fantasy and realize girl is my cousin.

Shouldve just walked in like 👉😎👉 zoop But seriously, you don't think she'll see this and know

So my wife loves to watch Tiktok videos at 100% volume while I watch shows she doesn’t really care for. Eventually I just give in and watch them with her on her phone. (Some of them are actually decent) One started as a prank video between a husband and wife. The mildly attractive wife in the tiktok made up a story about her normal spa being closed and she needed her husband to wax her booty hole. And that completely grossed the husband out. My wife then looks up at me and jokingly asks, “Would you shave my butthole?” Without thinking or missing a beat I respond, “No, but I would shave her butthole.” Instant regret flooded my whole body. I didn’t mean it but I knew that didn’t matter. She turned bright red with tears in her eyes and stormed off. Then I said the least likely sentences I ever thought I would utter to my wife as an apology. “Baby, come back. I didn’t mean it. I would love to shave your butthole.” She has not talked to me in 3 hours. TL;DR - TIFU by telling my wife I would shave some random woman’s turd cutter on tiktok before I would shave hers. Edit - We eventually made up and I even showed her this post and we had a good laugh. Some solid advice in the comments lol. For those looking for the tiktok, its from Billy and Brandy and should be easy to find.

Just go get the supplies you need to shave her butthole and surprise her. It's the only way

Obligatory this is a throwaway and this happened last winter yada yada yada. &#x200B; I had this couple matched on tinder for a while, never messaged them before, never really cared for the idea but I still swiped out of boredom. They were listed about mid 30's, and the woman was big, but had huuuuuuge boobs. Couldn't see her face, but that didn't matter to me. Only boob. There was no picture of her husband. I take a few shots and message them. After like an hour of talking, I decide to just do it. We never traded any other pictures, the conversation was only about sex. She wanted me to have sex with her while her husband watched. At first I was like really not for it, I originally had no intention of actually doing anything but more and more it didn't feel like it was me at the wheel, and I was at the peak of not caring what happened to me, even if it resulted in something tragic. At 2AM I left the house, and this is where I regret everything. &#x200B; After driving for about an hour, I miss their street by a turn, and decide to turn back around through a parking lot, and while doing so drove over a curb that popped TWO of my tires. I'm in a shitty ghetto town that I've never been to, with two popped tires, not a fucking clue how I'm getting home now. I thought I was going to have to sleep in the car and call a friend and make up some story the next day. But since there was no turning back now, I decide to just walk the rest of the way to the couples house. The husband is there waiting for me, and as soon as I see him, my gut and inner voice are SCREAMING at me, don't do this, turn back. And I wish I had listened. For reasons unknown, I followed him into the house. It was pitch black, not a single light was on. He lead me down into the basement, unsurprisingly it reeks of must and beef stew. I was unsure if they were going to rob and kill me or if this was just normal to them. If there was ever a time I disassociated, it was then and there. It was no longer me behind the wheel. The dude leads me to their bed, and shines a flashlight on his wife. Does anybody remember the scene in Blade where he shines the light on that mega obese vampire? That was what I saw. A disgusting ogre wildebeest, with a crooked line of teeth. I was horrified but at the same time, I didn't care. They both fucking STINK, that was one of the worst things. The smell took forever to wash off my hands after. Months later I'll get a whiff out of nowhere. That disgusting beef stew and body odor smell. I take off my clothes and get in bed with her, meanwhile the husband is talking THE ENTIRE TIME, like fucking Gollum. Saying things like "yeah it's been a while since she's had another. Look at that beautiful pussy. Ain't she so fuckin wet?" Nonstop. Meanwhile shining the flashlight on both of us to get a look. Like I said before, it didn't feel like it was me at the wheel, I managed to perform to a degree but I never did finish. It probably didn't help I was wearing a condom but I'm extremely glad I was. The entire time there's about 5 different things running through my head at the same time."How the fuck am I getting home? This smell is going to kill me. How do I end this? How do I get out of here?" I decided it was time, I had to get the fuck out of there asap. I told them I couldn't cum, it wasn't going to happen. They insisted I put it in her ass, and me being a polite dude, didn't want to offend them, obliged. I just wanted to make it look like I at least tried. If the smell was bad before, it took on an entirely new dimension with the smell of shit burning the hairs in my nose. I pulled out and of course there was a fat wad of shit glued to the head of my dick. I stuck it back in to hopefully wipe it off inside her asshole and called it quits. I politely reiterated I wasn't going to be able to finish. I blamed it on my tires being popped and I was too tired. They were cool about it, and I quickly gathered my things and left. I BARELY had the money for a tow truck driver to get home, and at least he got a kick out of the story. So we both had something to talk about for the hour long drive home. My hands reeked for at least another week, no matter how many showers I took and how many times I washed them. I blame it on a poor mental state with lack of self care for doing what I did. It took many months for me to even think about sex without being able to smell them. Easily the biggest regret of my life, and probably ruined sex for me for forever. &#x200B; TLDR; Drove an hour to pop both my tires in a shitty mystery ghetto town, then had traumatizing sex with a female version of Shrek while her husband shined a flashlight on us and muttered the entire time. &#x200B; Edit: I'm really glad I was able to make a lot of you laugh, even if it's at my own expense, I'm laughing with you. A lot of you have kind things to say and it means quite a lot, thank you. I hope anybody that can relate to the self destructive mindset finds happiness.

This story makes me feel like you raped yourself.

My wife broke her phone over the weekend, so we got her a new one. After it came in yesterday, she used my phone to log onto her Google account to so something, sets her phone up and gives mine back to me. I'm playing Dark Souls 2, not thinking much about it. She goes to bed, I stay up gaming for a while. The next morning, a guy in our fantasy football chat posts an image of his Squirtle evolving. Somewhere in the back of my head, I seemed to remember a Riley Reid/Squirtle "Fuck I'm gonna evolve" meme, so searched for it. Google thinks I meant Riley Reid Squirt" of course, so I'm instead greeted by pics of Riley violently blasting cum everywhere, so move on with my morning. My wife walks into my computer room and says "I think my phones been hacked, there's someone searching stuff that isn't me". She shows me her phone, and all the previous search history pops up: Riley Reid Squirtle Riley Reid Squirt find Darklurker farm giant souls As a 36 year old man, worse than being caught with porn is having to prove to your wife that you were actually searching Pokémon memes, believe me. Also shout-out u/hepatitisC for the perfect meme (which didn't exist at the time) https://i.imgur.com/IZZO0Lp.jpg &#x200B; tl;dr Wife was logged into my phone, tried to find Riley Reid Squirtle meme, got caught being porn and/or Pokemon fan EDIT: Just to clarify, she was only very confused as to why these searches were on her phone, not angry that I was responsible for them. Trust me, much easier to explain "oh I was looking for porn" than "oh I was looking for Squirtle with this specific woman's face cumvolving because Cody's, a 32 year old man, Squirtle evolved this morning."

Strange cover story for a pokemon-pornstar-squirting-kink

This is a throwaway account, and this happened about two years ago. I was fresh out of high school (18F), and in desperate need of some funds. I already had a job that I didn’t make enough money doing, and I needed cash fast. Naturally I became a prostitute. I’m not one anymore but I used to average about 5 clients a week, and it was really good money. I actually ended up enjoying the job immensely. One night I had a brand new client (35M) contact me and ask to meet up. I texted him my address and got ready. When he came over, i asked him what he wanted and how he liked it, all the usual questions. I started to undress him and make him comfortable, and soon enough I was on top, riding him. We started to a bit rougher when all of a sudden there was a sharp extreme pain in my pelvis. I could barely breathe from the intensity of the pain. He asked if I was alright, and like straight out of a movie with the timing, I looked straight at him and just threw up all over him. He pushed me off and was naturally very alarmed as I kept throwing up. The sheets, both of our clothes (and his very expensive leather jacket), and the area was just covered. He immediately asked if he should call an ambulance and all I could do was nod as I moaned in pain and kept throwing up. Eventually I went to the hospital that night to find out that I had an ovarian cyst that ruptured. I was in the hospital for a week after surgery, being watched and on medication before I was able to go home. He ended up texting me later on asking if I was alright. I apologized for everything, and told him that of course I would pay for the damage to his jacket and he didn’t have to send me anything. He was such a sweetheart he still paid me, and he actually asked me out on a date which I said yes to. We don’t talk anymore but I’m very grateful for him. TLDR; I was a prostitute and threw up all over my client in the middle of sex. Ended up in the hospital with a ruptured cyst.

Excellent throwaway account name.

Obligatory this didn't happen today. This is a project I've been working on for the past week, but the FU only became apparent yesterday. The characters in this story are: 1. Me, father to a 16-month-old 2. My wife, mother to the same 16-month-old 3. Our 16-month-old For the past couple of months, Kiddo has been saying "Dada" and "Da" quite a lot to refer to me. He says it when I walk into the room. He says it when he hears my car pull into the driveway. He says it when he wants my attention. A dozen times a day at least. Let me tell you, there are few pleasures in the world as great as coming home from work and having a toddler look at you and exclaim "Da!" with a huge grin on his face. Now, he's said "Mama" and "Ma" before to refer to his mom, but it's rare. I know she wishes he would more, and I want her to get that feeling as much as I do, so I decided that I was going to work with Kiddo on saying "Mama." In my 16 months of parenthood, I've learned that my kid picks up skills ok from watching and listening, but that they stick best when he learns by doing. With this in mind, I've been trying to get him to say "Mama" on his own accord. He has already demonstrated in the past that he knows his mom's name is "Mama," so I've been working with that. Whenever she walks into view, I'll excitedly say "who's that?" He basically never says that it's "Mama," but he does run over and give her a hug. At least there's that, I guess. After a week of no progress, Kiddo came running into the kitchen yesterday morning, looked right at his mom, gave a big smile, and said, "who's that?" Ouch. Maybe he learns better by listening after all. TL;DR - My toddler now calls his mom "who's that?" because I tried to teach him using the Socratic method.

For months, every time I saw my niece I would ask her "who's your favorite uncle?" and point to myself. After a few months it finally paid off. I asked her "who's your favorite uncle?" and she looked at me with a huge smile... and pointed at herself.

Obligatory this happened over the course of a few days, ending a couple days ago So I was on a certain adult website having a browse of certain adult products, ended up popping some stuff in my cart until I hit the free postage amount. I was pleasantly surprised when I was offered 20% off as a new customer, and applied the discount. However, this then took me below the amount I needed to get free postage. So I decided to get one more thing to push me back over that limit. I did not know how far I had pushed the limit until it was too late. I kept browsing and then decided I would get a new buttplug, maybe a slightly bigger one than current just to try it. I found a reasonably priced one in 3 sizes, 3.5 inches, 4 inches and 4.5 inches. I, the anal NOOB that I am, assumed this was in reference to LENGTH. So I clicked on the largest one to add to cart, because you know, new experience, the length doesn't seem that bad, worth a try. Fast forward a couple days and my delivery arrives! I'm excited, I don't know what's coming. I wait for my partner to get home and we unbox it together. It's all fun and games and lighthearted until... We unearth a MONSTROSITY of a buttplug, it is quite literally the SIZE OF MY HAND. Theres a stunned silence before I rush to explain this was an ACCIDENT and all my partner can do is crack up. (No pun intended). I tore off the packaging incase it was some sort of optical illusion making it look bigger but NO ITS JUST MASSIVE AND IT IS GOING NOWHERE NEAR MY SCARED AND NAIVE BUMHOLE. Hope this brings you all more joy than it brought me. Honestly the best part of this is I now have an interesting story to post on reddit. TL;DR - I'm out a bit of money, own a MASSIVE buttplug and have caused a small injury to my partner when I jokingly threw it to him and the WEIGHT OF IT CAUSED HIM PHYSICAL PAIN.

Everything is a ... ...I guess you weren’t brave enough.

So apparently I'm a genuine idiot. My husband and I sometimes send flirty pics back and forth when we haven't gotten to spend much time together because of busy schedules. Last night I was having some drinks while he was at work, but safe to say I was drunk. I took a few photos and went to send them to him, well to what I thought was him, but accidentally pressed the button for my snap story in my drunken haze. I didn't realize, went to sleep, and woke up to the tragedy Friends, family, co-workers, people from high school, etc. It's like f*cking D-Day. They all had access to my full frontal nudity and vagina on display just right up there for 8 damn hours overnight. I couldn't even bear to look at who all saw it. Excuse me while I go die. I'm just deleting that app from hell and then going to change my name, cut my hair and abandon my life, brb. I don't know how I'm going to recover from the embarrassment, I'm just going to go dark for a few months TLDR: I was drunk and stupid, went to send flirty nude pics to my husband but accidentally pressed my story. Went to sleep, woke up to seeing what I had done 8 hours later. Friends, family, co-workers, people from high school, etc, are all on the account. I'm going to change my name and move to recover from the embarrassment

When I was in high school we had a CVS that had a Subway shop inside. A girl in my grade worked there, and took a bunch of nude photos all around the Subway kitchen, posing on the prep tables etc. She then went to get the photos developed at the same CVS that the Subway where she worked was in. She got fired.

TIFU by giving my old sports car to my stepson (16), instead of my actual son (20) who wanted it since he was a child. This happened last year, but yesterday I got a grim reminder. Before we start off with this trainwreck of a story, here is some background information. I've been a car mechanic since the age of 19 and I have my own garage/store since I was 28 years old. After my first marriage went to shambles, I remarried a few years later. Just like my current wife, she had a son from her first marriage. My stepson was around 4 years old back then and he sees me as his real father, seeing his own father walked out on him. My son from my first marriage was living with his mom, but I saw him quite often shop was on his way back from school, he dropped by occasionally to say hello or look at the cars I had in the shop. My wife and ex-wife actually got along well, there was never any issues with my son staying over or staying for dinner, he lived with his mom though. When I turned 17 my dad bought me a black Chevrolet Chevelle SS, through my entire live I've always taken care of that car. I loved that car to dead, 90% of that car is still consisting of it's original parts. Seeing I'm a mechanic I had no issues doing everything myself, this car was standing in front of my shop most of the time or in my garage at home. My son, loved this car as well. He always wanted to go along for rides and he knew everything about it. He even had a small model car that looked just like it. So, where did it go wrong you wonder? My ex-wife remarried as well 8 years ago, but they moved a few states away seeing her new husband got a new (and better paid) job offer. After that, I spoke to my son mostly on the telephone and saw him maybe once every 3-4 months for a long weekend or half a week. The phone calls became less frequent and he said he wanted to focus on his schoolwork. Seeing he was a teen and I couldn't blame him for that. My stepson was already 10 at that time. When my son was 16 he went to univeristy a few states away, I barely had time to speak to him or to see him, my business was doing bad at the time and my wife had also gotten really sick at the time with E. coli and got kidney failures. It was a tough time keeping everything together, but somehow we made it through all of it and my wife is doing far better now. Fast forward to april 2019, my stepson was turning 16 that month. My stepson always got on with my son, so he invited him. My son was busy at the time, but promised he would show up a few days later. After all that happened I didn't see him for almost 4 years, so I was glad he was coming over. Now here comes to part where I fucked up badly. My stepson was a grade A student, even when times where tough he managed to get good grades at school and even got into the university where he wanted to study Medicine. My wife and I where so proud of him. So I decided to give him my old Chevrolet Chevelle for his 16 birthday. He was pretty amazed by it and so were his friends, it's a car that to this day still makes an impact. It so on my son as well, one that would cost my relationship with him. I texted him a picture of my stepson with the car on his 16 birthday party, not knowing what would happen next. My son texted me back with "Is this a joke?" I didn't understand at the time and texted him back with "No, why?" He called me not a few seconds later, yelling at me to tell him that it was a joke. He told me that I promised him the car when he was 10 years old, that if he did well in school I would give it to him. The part that made me yell back at him through the phone was when he called me a "louzy father that didn't care about his real son", let me tell you things were said from both sides that weren't nice from that point onwards. My wife told me to calm down and to talk it out because there was some misunderstanding. I then did the most regretabble thing I've done and If I could take it back I would do it, I told my son in a fit of rage that "he didn't deserve the car" and that he could call me back if he changed his attitude. After I hang up the phone, I got into a fight with my wife, who stood up for my son. At that moment in time I didn't care, I was insulted for being called a bad father. I tried to contact my son a few days afterwards, but I wouldn't get any response. I think he changed his phone number a day after the fight. I couldn't care any less at the time. Three weeks later my ex-wife called, furious as hell. My son had apparently gratuated from University and I was (in hindsight) not invited by my son. My ex-wife already found it strange that I wasn't there, my son told her there and then what happened and that he wanted to invite me on the day he would come to visit for his graduation. The worst thing is, he was graduating as an automotive service technician and was apparantly one of the best in his class. I then realized that I was indeed, a bad father. In those 4 years of not seeing him and all the stress around me I didn't even bother to ask what he was studying. My ex-wife told me that he was heartbroken and felt like he was unwanted unlike my stepson. She started crying on the phone, saying he just wanted to be a mechanic just like you. He apparently wanted to move back and work with me in my shop and take over when I was going to retire. My entire world crumbled up in front of me, I felt and still feel so encridibly stupid for saying those things to him. My ex-wife wouldn't give me his new number and adress, seeing he wanted no contact with me ever again. She also told me to never reach out to her ever again. It's been more then a year now, I've had a few fights about it with my wife. My stepson gave the car back and settled for something else if it ment that my son would come back. I've tried getting into contact with him for the last 11 month's. Until a few months ago the last thing I found out that he was probably working for some big car manufacturer, but they didn't want give out any information about the people working there. Yesterday I got a package from him, unexpectedly. It didn't come with a letter or return adress on it, but I knew it was from him. It was a box with his old Chevrolet toy car, an old picture ripped up of him and me on the hood of the car and a videotape. I watched the videotape, he was probably seven years old at the time, in the video I was fixing a car. I cried halfway through this, because I then knew why he mailed me the tape. I said to him while he was filming it, if he wanted and kept up his grades that the shop could be his one day including my Chevie. TLDR: I didn't keep my promise to my son and gave away my sports car to my stepson.Things were said and now I will never see him again. Edit: a part I left out Edit 1: Some of you didn't clearly read everything and that's okay. I would be mad to while reading this. My stepson is not to blame here, he gave back the car and the car is now stored in a garagebox. This car has become a thorn in my eye and I can't look at it tbh. Edit 2: Me and family tried to search for him on facebook and all the other popular social media apps, seeing how he never was into any of those we couldnt find anything. Edit 3: I've been searching for him for quite some time already. If this virus clears out I can travel to some states to see if he actually lives or works there. Edit 4: After actually contacting my ex-wife a few times over the course of months, she told me half a year ago that she would ask him once to contact me. But she couldn't force him to if he didn't want to. Edit 5: Some of you have reached out to me, I'm grateful for the help from some of you to try to help me track him down. But as you can understand I can't give out personal information about myself or my family and my son. There is already to much at stake. Edit 6: Deleting this account. I know a lot of you people are angry. Believe me I know the feeling, I hate myself as well. I came here to share a story of how I fucked up badly, hoping some people maybe would learn of it. But the nasty messages and death threats I'm receiving in my inbox from other car enthusiasts and other upset people are really not worth it. From one worthless father to any father or future one, please learn from my mistake.

I dont even know how to respond to this, this is the biggest fuck up i have ever read. Sounds like that promise was one of the things that guided his childhood, something that guided his decisions through his life, and you broke it. Im sorry to hear about this situation with your son.

This happened last month during a staycation in the U.K. with my (25M) girlfriend’s (25F) family. My GF, her mum and her sister decided to go shopping for the day. Her dad, sister’s boyfriend and I headed for the pub. We were about 3 pints in when the FU began.. GFs Dad: “OP, how long have you and my daughter been together now?” Me: “Almost 6 years” GFs Dad: “Wow, that long already. No 7 year itch yet?” Here is where it started to unravel. I couldn’t recall the exact meaning of the phrase “7 year itch” but i thought it was meant to be a tongue in cheek question, basically asking if my GF was getting impatient about when I was to propose and when we would get married. Except, It doesn’t mean that at all. Me: “Yes, in fact, I have been thinking about it more and more recently and I expect it to be on the cards soon. Of course, when the time comes, I will ask for your blessing.” My GFs dad choked a bit on his beer and stared at me blankly, visibly uncomfortable. I smiled and took another sip of my beer. We finished up, and headed home. After dinner that night, I asked my GF if her Dad was okay as he seemed off with me. I briefed her on the conversation in the pub. She stopped me halfway through, with a huge grin on her face, struggling to contain her laughter. She went on to explain that the phrase “7 year itch” is in fact a saying or popular belief that after 7 years, a relationship or marriage declines and often results in one of both parties having an affair. So in essence, I told my girlfriend’s father that I had been thinking about the decline of our relationship and when the time came, I would be asking his blessing to sleep with other women. Thankfully, my future in- laws are good people. Once I explained my FU and apologised, they laughed it off and we forgot about it :) TL;DR I misunderstood a common phrase and effectively told my girlfriend’s father that our relationship was in peril and I would be asking his blessing to have an affair. EDIT: Wow this blew up! Thank you kind strangers for the awards and all the wholesome comments. Just to clear a couple things up.. 1) There are a few people calling me out and calling me an arsehole for wanting to ask permission to marry my girlfriend. First of all, I would like to say this is a common and traditional practise in the U.K. one which I don’t particularly agree with. That said, my girlfriends family are very traditional people and would likely be offended if I didn’t ask. I am going to respect their traditions, even if I don’t agree with them. My girlfriend is fully aware of this and agrees it is the right thing to do. 2) Many people have questioned why the hell my girlfriends dad would ask that and they are trying to somehow psychoanalyse the situation. I have known my girlfriends dad for many years, we are good friends and often go to the pub, watch football etc. He didn’t ask the question seriously and was joking. I think it was meant rhetorically and my response took him by surprise (probably the stupidity of it) and was trying to make sense of it before the girls turned up shortly and we had to leave. 3) I have changed “permission” to “blessing” as it has been pointed out that the former implies it’s ultimately the decision of her parents, which it isn’t. Thanks to those who pointed this out :)

Haha, you had such a wholesome “I love her and I’m thinking of marriage” intentions and you totally fumbled what would have been a great moment. I’m sorry, glad they understood the misunderstanding. Edited to fix autocorrect.

This morning I was out for a walk with my two dogs. Now it's important for context that you understand how pretty my dogs are. They are both rescue husky mixes that look fairly unusual and have really beautiful blue eyes. It's not out of the ordinary for people to stop me and ask about them, compliment them, and want to pet them. Having these ridiculously gorgeous dogs has somewhat desensitized me to people yelling out of car windows and across streets because maybe three times a week someone will yell a dog-compliment at us. So we were walking along the sidewalk when a man working on some new construction across the street yelled, "Oh my God, I love your doggers!" I gave him a big smile and yelled back, "Thanks! Wanna say hi?" He looked slightly surprised but smiled and started walking over. When he crossed the street he was suddenly acting a bit awkward and not really paying much attention to the dogs. I had them sit so maybe he'd feel comfortable petting them, but honestly I was getting a weird vibe now and wanted to get on my way. We then had the following interaction: Him: So do you want to give me your Snap? Me: Um, no thanks. You can say hi to them here, and I'm going to get going. Him: Here? You just wanna... *mimes pulling down a shirt* Here's where I realize all at once that I'd fucked up. I had been desensitized by years of dog-compliments and am now putting the pieces together that this man had very-likely catcalled me and I was basically a cat-callers dream, friendly and receptive to his advancement by smiling and inviting him over to say hi. My mind locked on to what he had originally yelled. Oh my God, I love your doggers! I love your doggers! Doggers! Finally, my dumbass brain puts the peices together and I squeak out a horrified, "Did you say you love my knockers?" He nods yes and I wish I could say I had some cleaver retort, but honestly I just gave him a firm point of my index finger and an exasperated, "no!" before the pups and I hightailed it outta there. TL:DR I thought a random man was complimenting my dogs. Invited him to come say hi. Turns out, he was cat-calling me. Dog tax: http://imgur.com/gallery/ExbqwCx

Dog tax?

Obligatory 'this happened yesterday'. The day before yesterday, my foster daughter had a bunch of her friends over to watch the premier of the new BTS video. I'd check on them every now and then and every time I saw them, they were doing these weird stretches with their arms over their heads or behind their backs. After a while, I asked, 'what are you guys doing?' They said it was a flexibility test they learned from friends at school. Move 1: [Clasp your hands behind your back](https://imgur.com/a/lSDPR7B) with one hand going over your shoulder and one going under. Move 2: [Prayer hands behind your back](https://imgur.com/a/VmJaqGY). Move 3: [Touch your elbows behind your back](https://imgur.com/gallery/v5kNu7f). Most of the kids could do 1 and 2, and they were laughing at each other's struggles to do 3. After a while, their video started and they moved on to more important things. The next morning at work, I was curious to see if I could do the stretches. I stood in front of the full length mirror in my office and tried them. 1 was a little tough, especially in a button down shirt. 2 was easy and felt pretty good. 3 seemed to conflict with basic human anatomy. I tried different angles and wrist positions and didn't even come close. While I was doing this, a young female co-worker comes over and asks what I'm doing much like I did the previous night. I explain the stretches and figure she'll have more work since she's younger and in better shape than me. Stretch 1, no problem. Stretch 2, it's like she was born to do this. Then she tries to touch her elbows behind her back and the buttons of her blouse completely give up. I'm staring at her in the mirror with her shirt split open with nothing underneath. She looked shocked and embarrassed. She covered up and walked out of the room. I run to the supply closet to grab a promotional t-shirt that we hand out at events and give it to her in her office. Then I go back to the room with the mirror to find her button, which I ended up sewing back on before anyone else made it to the office. tl;dr: I asked a young female co-worker to try a difficult stretch. Which led to her blouse splitting open while we were alone in the office.

This sounds like a trick invented by schoolboys to get girls to push out their chests with maneuver #3.

Happened just now. Sorry for my possible slips as English is not my mothertongue. I mostly only lurk around, but this time I decided that it's something worth sharing, given the spirit of the sub. I've been in quite a low mood because of some job related bullshit. Usually when I get depressed at home I start doing the dishes, dusting the rooms, and what not, not even because I like keeping things clean but removing my so to say "traces" are a small subconscious obsession of mine. See, since I'm not under a huge load of work it suddenly occured to me that checking my email's "Accounts" folder and terminating the ones I don't use anymore would be a nice idea (both out of privacy-related paranoia and just for the heck of it). The thing is I used to have an Imgur account a lo-o-o-ong time ago (plz don't bully), so I decided to delete it as well, but that didn't seem quite possible to do the traditional way, since I didn't get it by registering at the service directly. I'll omit the details of all the cyber sex I went through with my keyboard and the browser, but I somehow got the long awaited notification confirming the fact that my account got discontinued, so I pretty much forgot about the whole deal. But little did I know. Later in the day I get back to browsing some picture subreddit and notice that some Imgur posts linked on the page suggest me to delete the image, although it wasn't even submitted by me. In addition to that I still seem to be logged in, although no username shows up in the top-right dropdown user menu. Being the total jackass of an idiot that I am, after checking and confirming this with a few more links, I decide to google the #1 top Reddit post of all time, which, of fucking course, is a link to a post on Imgur (yeah, the one about the Senate, with a total of whole damn 310K updoots). I open it and see the tempting red button suggesting me to praise Satan himself. Of course Imgur won't allow me to do that, those buttons probably don't work, do they? It can't be this bugged, right? (I hadn't clicked one by then YET). So I click the button a-a-a-aand see the title of this TIFU. I'm sorry. I didn't want to. Please, forgive me everyone. I'll commit Sudoku before the shame befalls on the name of my forefathers. If somebody working for Imgur sees it here, please, report it to who it would be most appropriate. **TL;DR: I deleted Reddit's [#1 top post](https://www.reddit.com/r/movies/comments/62sjuh/the_senate_upvote_this_so_that_people_see_it_when/?sort=new) picture by playing around with Google sign-in on Imgur.** P.S.: resubmitted because it didn't have TL;DR in the beginning Edit: link for clarification (try clicking the original "Senate" post's title link). Edit 2.0: **I guess *I am the senate* now** Edit 2.6.5.32: I submitted the bug to Imgur's contact form just in case... Edit 4.1.15: **just got from work to find a message from [u/_BindersFullOfWomen_](https://www.reddit.com/user/_BindersFullOfWomen_) on the behalf of Imgur's team, so the bug seems to be closed by now, the picture's back too** That's pretty cool and fast of a reaction for such a huge service, especially for me since it's already post working hours for me (I know, I know, time zones'n'shiiieeet). Edit over 9000: [to all the guys telling me about the difference between Seppuku and Sudoku](http://i.imgur.com/fs3Lkmj.png) Edit "I lost the count": [666 updewts](http://i.imgur.com/ilXdUsJ.png) Edit from the high ground: What the heck? Gold, 30K+ updanks, /r/all and numerous crossposts? **IRONIC** Edit from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away: **holy shit, now [the title of the Imgur post attached to the original Senate one](http://imgur.com/ChYwfMq) has my username engraved into it!**

"Nah theres no way" *checks top post of all time* "Oh shit"