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blog30407 | It's not bad -- the tanginess of the yogurt doesn't go with everything, but it's nice with most vegetables. The bean salad is a can of black beans, a can of "Mexican" diced tomatoes, and a handful of leftover lettuce. | blog |
blog30407 | I could have had pizza and brownies and ended up with a total in the 4000-5000 range, so in fact it was pretty moderate. However, it will ruin my calories-per-day average, which was quite low otherwise this week. | blog |
blog30407 | Remember how I said I was horrified about our Tahiti pictures? F**k, no, that's NOTHING compared to what I looked like in November. Okay, this was supposed to sound positive and it's not coming out that way, so I want to phrase it this way: I can really notice, myself, how much weight I've lost. I've become, incredibly, even MORE beautiful than I used to be. I RULE. | blog |
blog30407 | I am HUGE. HUGE. And I have no neck anymore. | blog |
blog30407 | Bucko is working like a dog, and I take back all the ungracious thoughts I had. We're both feeling happier now that the gaping hole is covered. And by the way, of course we found more extensive rot in the sill joist or whatever it's called, but that's a problem for another day. | blog |
blog30407 | 6:54 a.m. Thursday, Day 81. Feel pretty good. | blog |
blog30407 | I did SensibleGym first, so I imagine that had something to do with it. So that's great, I have one SensibleGym done, one to go for the week. | blog |
blog30407 | I've been getting inspiration in the weirdest places. I mean, no insult to Oprah, but I don't expect to find anything meaningful in a television show. And here I found words of wisdom in the Nutty Professor, too. That's OK, I'll take the help where I get it. I might not admit to anyone else where I got it from, though. | blog |
blog30407 | It would be nice to know if this was working. Yes, I know, the Measurement Pants, the looser jeans, the ring, etc. etc., but I have been fooled before. | blog |
blog30407 | If all goes according to plan, I will do SensibleGym later. Feeling a bit peckish already, but not surprising since I got up so early (6:00). Also would like to congratulate myself again for getting through TWO WEEKS. | blog |
blog30407 | 2:38 p.m. Yes, Daisy was there, but I didn't really get a chance to talk to her. | blog |
blog30407 | They're still within my goal and very reasonable. I notice also that I started the week a little too gung-ho about beating last week and doing this thing to death. | blog |
blog30407 | You can just accept it at face value and it's an excellent detective movie, or you can pick apart the plot elements and go crazy trying to figure out who knew what when and who is on whose side. It's cool. | blog |
blog30407 | Haven't heard from Daisy for over a week, which is always depressing. The last time this happened, I decided to wait her out. I hate always being the needy one calling her three times a day. Yeah, so the last time I waited her out, it was more than two weeks, and I ended up calling her anyway. | blog |
blog30407 | Friday, Day Five. Feeling OK today. | blog |
blog30407 | Let's see if I can limit it to this one. Had to talk to Crazy Hair. What a tool. It's 1:36 now and I feel done in for the day. | blog |
blog30407 | Didn't drink, so that's good, but I was pretty thirsty from the fish. Have a small headache this morning. | blog |
blog30407 | I thought, that can't be right. I must be missing something. No, I wrote down everything I ate. | blog |
blog30407 | That's what I dreamed; I'm not making it up for an attempt at humor. Neither of these dreams was unpleasant, but both were so vivid as to be unrestful. | blog |
blog30407 | All I could handle was 45 minutes. Mostly because of nothing on TV. Johnny English was absolutely unwatchable, Dr. Phil had his most recent Fucked Up Family, and Carol Duvall is not good exercise material. | blog |
blog30407 | Haven't eaten anything since lunch. Actually, I'm still full. | blog |
blog30407 | I think there's more realistic sizes now, though. And I wouldn't be looking in the Junior department of the store, either, so I think I would have better luck. It's not something I focus on, but it would be so nice, and such a relief, to walk into a store and be able to buy clothes without wanting to cry. Or just be able to buy clothes! | blog |
blog30407 | I'm not sure of the time, because apparently it turns over after a certain amount. When I finished it said I had gone 10 minutes, which makes no sense. My brain is too numb to figure it out, but next time I glide I won't reset the clock, and I'll just see where it turns over. Anyway, I don't know if this is clever or me, or totally disordered, but since I know I'm going to drink tonight, I might as well work off the calories, rather than drink tonight and not work off the calories. | blog |
blog30407 | Holy cow, who has killed me and replaced me with a non-eating robot??? I am so rewarding myself for this! | blog |
blog30407 | Today we will go in to town (Vaitape) to look for provisions. I feel a little weird, as though the floor is moving in the bungalow. I know it isn't, but it feels strange. Hope I'm not getting seasick. | blog |
blog30407 | We have the heat turned up pretty high so that if/when the power goes out, we might stay warm a little longer, and it's uncomfortable in here. I only have the heat at 68 degrees -- I don't know how people can stand it at 70 and 72. Trying to drink another glass of water before I start gliding. | blog |
blog30407 | Another day in the house. Bucko may try to go to work, but I'm not budging. Be surprised if I could get out of the neighborhood. | blog |
blog30407 | Various dates in the 1960s. Starring Don Knotts, Dick Van Dyke, and other people. | blog |
blog30407 | It would be easier if I was buying pre-packaged food, but I cook almost everything fresh. So if I make stir-fry tonight, I have to figure out the calories for: the oil, the meat, the broccoli, the zucchini, the peppers, the garlic, the onions, etc., etc., and then divide it by whatever amount we eat as one portion. And if I have a bag of frozen peppers, for instance, it gives the calories as "one serving" of the bag, with 3.5 servings per bag. So I have to figure out THAT. Now, vegetables like that are not a huge amount of calories, so I don't have to worry about accuracy that much, but I can't just GUESS. | blog |
blog30407 | 2:18 p.m. I had the last little bit of leftover turkey scraps for lunch, and also steamed three carrots. I ate them all, and I am FULL. | blog |
blog30407 | And I still say, No, I wasn't eating "too much." Not by any reasonable standards. But dieting for weight loss is not a reasonable standard, and this time around I'm willing to do whatever fucked up thing I have to. | blog |
blog30407 | 12:49 p.m. Back from the museum and so glad I went. Expressionism and the beginnings of Abstractionism. Wonderful. | blog |
blog30407 | 10:02 a.m. I just had to go and try on the Measurement Pants. | blog |
blog30407 | Still looking for some inspirational websites. Also not reading NAAFA anymore. | blog |
blog30407 | I'm not sure about the she-crab soup; I used the biggest-calorie clam chowder I could find in the Netzer book. Should be close enough. | blog |
blog30407 | Having salmon, steamed broccoli, and black bean salad for dinner. It will be a pretty big piece of salmon, around 8 ounces. Made a sauce/dip for the broccoli out of no-fat yogurt with about a tablespoon of gorgonzola cheese, ginger, and fresh ground pepper. | blog |
blog30407 | That's cutting it a little short. Also moved over to the PC. | blog |
blog30407 | It would be easier for me to search, because most recent food would be close, but I like to read back over the past few days, and it's easier to do that in this order. I don't want to get TOO wrapped up in the journal, I spend enough time in here as it is, but I guess I'm jealous of the websites I see. Also I really need to go to the supermarket today, and have zero interest in doing so. It's so damned far away! | blog |
blog30407 | I mean, is the body guiding me toward health, or is it trying to trick me into more fat-producing patterns? Gah. | blog |
blog30407 | 1:08 p.m. I got a bunch of stuff done -- painted the office door, cleaned off the shelves and moved the baker's rack stuff there, packed the stuff in the baker's rack, cleaned and packed a bunch of tchochkies (NO idea how to spell that)... I'm tired but happy. | blog |
blog30407 | 11:33 a.m. Just back from the dentist. I am so sleepy! | blog |
blog30407 | I thought it was the monitor, because it's all flickery, especially around the edges. If I focus on something reflected on the glass, the flickering disappears. But I noticed the same thing happen on the PC. Also the light in the room seems to be flickering to me, I thought the lightbulb was loose until I turned around and stared at it, and it's fine. | blog |
blog30407 | No no no, I have to get the BAD fat. Of course. | blog |
blog30407 | Yeah, it's ugly to think something like that. But you see, that person has already wished the same fate on me; that person has already decided that my safety and indeed my very life are not as important as their momentary excitement or sense of power or whatever childish gratification they're getting from behaving like an asshole. As far as I'm concerned, the sooner that person is taken off the road, the better, and I don't much care how it happens. | blog |
blog30407 | I want to SNACK. What's going on? | blog |
blog30407 | Everyone has a favorite Hemingway story, everyone has a favorite Bogart movie. Mine happen to be the same one. You'll find only a casual relationship between the book and this movie, but the performances and the tension between the two stars are sizzling. This is when Bogie first met Bacall, so you're seeing Hollywood history occur right before your eyes, as their famous real-life love affair begins. It's HOT. | blog |
blog30407 | So the rest of my Quiznos sandwich for lunch, and a glass of new raspberry-flavored seltzer water. Which, by the way, exploded all over the front of my blouse, the counter, and the cabinets when I opened it. Very fizzy stuff, seltzer water. | blog |
blog30407 | I don't want to do weights every day, but I could dance, or do Cindy Crawford, or pilates, or whatever. Also: wait one hour after workout before eating. | blog |
blog30407 | 11:09 a.m. Making small progress. Bucko is working on the faucet right now, and I've got the hallway and living room wall painted. Starving, had the last bit of turkey lunchmeat and swiss cheese. Too early for lunch, so I guess it's a large snack. | blog |
blog30407 | 1:37 p.m. Talked to Daisy and that helped, I feel a bit cheered up. Also she gave me permission to slack off today, and that's just what I needed. I did attempt to call Liz at E. G., and of course she doesn't work today, but I am impressed that I made the effort. Right now I'm uploading some Tahiti pictures to my [other] web page, so everyone can see them. | blog |
blog30407 | I will print out that McN. letter and get it ready for the mail tomorrow. | blog |
blog30407 | I'm guessing I was eating a third again as much food, and maintaining my weight for the most part. Call it another 550 calories, or around 2195 total. | blog |
blog30407 | Week Five. I can't believe it. I can't believe I got through a whole month without falling off the horse, without "cheating," without going crazy, and most of all that I'm preparing to do it for at least another month. | blog |
blog30407 | I think getting the pistachios was a bad idea. They're pretty high in calories and fat, and an ounce of them is not at all satisfying, it just leads me to want more. Fortunately I don't have many here; I put up about five servings in baggies and sent the rest with Bucko to work. | blog |
blog30407 | 7:14 a.m. Monday, Day 50. First day of WEEK EIGHT. | blog |
blog30407 | Wore my new shoes, and they did okay except that by the time we walked back I started feeling a blister on the bottom of my left foot. My feet are a little sore today. But I know that's symptomatic of new shoes because the same thing happened to me when we went to London, and those shoes ended up being my most comfortable. But if I'm going to take these to Tahiti (not sure) I should start walking in them every day to get them in shape. | blog |
blog30407 | This morning breakfast at the hotel, and we have been lying around napping ever since. In an hour or so we'll go have a beer at the bar, and then we check out at 5:30 and onto the boat at 6:00. It's hard to figure with the time changes, but I think we have 24 hours of travelling ahead of us. I'm dreading that but looking forward to being home. I miss Daisy! | blog |
blog30407 | 3:40 p.m. Bored. That's what it is. | blog |
blog30407 | If you haven't seen any of these movies, you probably think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I LOVE these! Did you know Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was written by Ian Fleming (James Bond)?! | blog |
blog30407 | Frankly, I can't imagine that I could add anything that is smarter, funnier, more interesting, or in any way better than what others have written. But because they've shared their thoughts with me (and the rest of the world), it seems only fair that I should do the same. Tit for tat, so to speak. | blog |
blog30407 | 11:29 a.m. Finished the hour exercise. Hard going! | blog |
blog30407 | I'm still not sure about my numbers -- how much I should eat to lose x amount of weight. But if I go by the rule that 3500 calories = one pound, then I think I'm well in the range of oppw. | blog |
blog30407 | Feel pretty good today. I slept decently; woke up a few times but went right back to sleep. Also had normal dreams! | blog |
blog30407 | I can't believe how often I feel the need to "check in" here. It's just been my whole life for the past week, and I'll write any trivial nothing just to be writing and thinking about losing weight. Maybe that is what will make it work this time, maybe somehow I've developed the focus and interest to do it, and managed to set aside the resentment and onerousness. | blog |
blog30407 | Our money situation is depressing as hell, and I am becoming frightened that there's no way I can ever quit my miserable job. I've been dreaming that I'm going to be so successful as an artist that I can make my living that way, but looking over our expenditures recently, there's no way. | blog |
blog30407 | Doing a little formatting of my [offline] journal today. Putting my week's wrap-up in a box, and bolding progress text. Whenever I see something that says "I could button the Measurement Pants today," I'm highlighting it so I can see that progress DID occur. | blog |
blog30407 | Because I cannot tolerate the idea of gaining back those five or six pounds. I can no longer accept the idea of not being in a state of weight loss, no matter how slow and dreary it is. | blog |
blog30407 | It's enough to give me a good picture and it's fun and interesting to maintain. Any more and I'll either lose interest or I'll focus too much on filling out a chart instead of living. | blog |
blog30407 | I'll think of something else to celebrate the two weeks. Which should be, by the way, between two and four pounds. I wish it would be five pounds. | blog |
blog30407 | And if one meal is boring and unsatisfying, don't freak out, because the next one will be good. I can't believe my dependence on food! | blog |
blog30407 | I want to sit here and write all day, but I need to get ready for work pretty quick. Bah. | blog |
blog30407 | Not that there was any doubt, anyway. I realized a long time ago that I was going to do this for a year or more. | blog |
blog30407 | Directed by M. Night Shyamalan, starring Bruce Willis and Haley Joel Osment. I love a good scary movie, but I am so sick of violent slasher movies. | blog |
blog30407 | Got a couple solid hours at the end, so I'm not doing too badly today. Must make sure to drink enough water, though. | blog |
blog30407 | I want to think they were the tiniest bit looser than last week, but it's too subjective to tell. I really want some sort of visible, measurable proof of progress so I don't lose motivation. | blog |
blog30407 | The museum was great, had a nice time. Then I decided to give blood, since they're so low recently (the Red Cross, not the art museum). I made an appointment and then had to kill time for and hour and a half, so I went to the bank, got a sandwich at the grocery store for lunch (will have to estimate), and picked up videos. | blog |
blog30407 | I've never in my life been able to do that. Tee hee, I'm being all girly and gushy. What the hell, it's fun. | blog |
blog30407 | I have two cuts on the end of each middle finger, from something sharp under the dishwasher. I was sweeping out underneath for putting in the tile, and encountered something that gave me what amounts to a large paper cut. Twice. | blog |
blog30407 | Before I've even added in my calories, I'm going to congratulate myself. Two drinks, a salad, and a dinner roll (the roll was irresistible). I probably have gone over my target, but I still was remarkably restrained in an environment where I could have easily added on another 1000 to 2000 calories. | blog |
blog30407 | 1:20 p.m. Just back from meeting with GMcN. He was very charming, very kind. I felt quite at ease with him. He seemed to like me and my work, but not quite to the point of commissioning any pieces from me. I am not crushed, however, because I didn't see it as a loss; if nothing else (and it may indeed be nothing else) it was a personal victory for me in being calm and confident and not hysterical when making a sales call on a stranger. | blog |
blog30407 | So also had the last leftover drumstick. That's actually fewer calories than the pita alone. Bread sucks! | blog |
blog30407 | I'm hoping I can do even better this month. Especially in this area: drink more water and less alcohol. | blog |
blog30407 | I think I must take the risk, though, today or tomorrow. If they give me good news, it will inspire me for the next two weeks! | blog |
blog30407 | You know, it occurs to me I'd better start planning some strategies for our vacation. Almost two weeks -- how will I keep from overeating? | blog |
blog30407 | 8:13 a.m. Boy, I REALLY don't feel like gliding today. | blog |
blog30407 | You want to weave, run lights, and tailgate? Nope, sorry, that's not allowed anywhere. You're just going to have to suppress that little impulse. | blog |
blog30407 | Man, I slept awful (awfully?) last night. And I took a whole melatonin. | blog |
blog30407 | Anyway, she's back in town and we have grandiose ideas for our Plan 9 and how we're going to change our lives. So yay. | blog |
blog30407 | I really hate the idea that I'm too weak to manage a moderate, self-imposed regimen. And I hate the way I'll lie to myself and rationalize in order to pretend (to myself!) that I'm telling the truth. | blog |
blog30407 | 3. I have a much better body image than I used to, believe it or not. I simply no longer hate myself for being fat. I hate BEING fat, but I don't hate myself for it. It's not my fault. | blog |
blog30407 | Going to be high, but I feel like splurging. Also Daisy called. So good to hear from her. I miss her terribly, I've felt completely unanchored since she left. | blog |
blog30407 | Yes, let's talk about last night and get that out of the way. That was quite the big blow-out for me. | blog |
blog30407 | So I am wearing the black linen-esque dress that has a sheer navy blue polka dot duster with it. It's also too big. Damn, I look good. | blog |
blog30407 | On Huahine, we shopped in the (only) grocery store and bought: 5 cans of beer, a wedge of brie cheese, a loaf of bread, a can of sardines, a can of deviled ham, a box of raisins, a small package of cookies, five eggrolls. Price: $38. | blog |
blog30407 | I won't be able to have a garden this year, but I'm hoping for next year, after we've moved. Maybe we'll have a yard that's better set up (sun) for growing things. I've wanted a kitchen herb garden for years. | blog |
blog30407 | It's not that I'm hiding it, but I swear I just didn't have the energy to refigure all my numbers for the week. So I'm letting myself have that one. | blog |
blog30407 | Weirdly, I haven't had so much issue with that. I plunged into the journal and the whole experience fully, and that's helped. I made this my entire life, and it's working. | blog |
blog30407 | 7:00 a.m. Monday, Day 91. First day of Week 14. Woke up a bit groggy, but feel okay now. | blog |
blog30407 | I thought as I lost weight I would become more comfortable, not less. In good news, I tried the Measurement Pants again this morning, and found that while they are still too tight to wear, I am able to button them without much struggle. | blog |
blog30407 | Just tossing and turning, waking up a lot, and DREAMS. Far too many dreams with too much detail. | blog |